Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Hateful 2ww

I am 9 days past ovulation and I hate it. I don't think I am, but my wants are overriding my brain. Here is my chart...see why I can't help but be a lil excited.

My emotions have been everywhere the last week. Friday night, my long time boss and friend passed from Cancer...he was awesome and will be missed so much. Then Sunday night my mom tells me of a little boy...Ashton...that needs a family. He is 2 and the great grandson of a family friend. We just knew from the time she said it...that we wanted to. So mom called her back and let her know we were interested and we really thought since we knew the family...we would be favored over the other 3 families interested. All night Sunday night...all day Monday...all I could think about was this little dark haired blue eyed baby boy. I thought about Scott rocking him to sleep, my mom singing to him, my daddy teaching him to fish, me giving him baths and feeding him and Christmas and John and Lena spoiling him...all my family falling in love with him. I thought about nursery and baby proofing the house...all things baby ran through my mind in those 24 hours. How did that in that short period of time did I fall in love with him...or maybe was just the idea of him. When I got out of the shower and looked at Scott in bed....I could see him snuggled up in his arms...UGH We all prayed hard, but...Monday night...the mother put him in Foster care and said she didn't want anyone that knew the family to adopt him. I was shocked and sad and crushed. I let so many tears flow that night that I really wonder how I wasn't dehydrated. I screamed out to God...why can't I be a mommy...why can't Scott be a daddy???? I know He has a plan, but wow...I would love to be let in on it sometimes. Then my ever faithful friend Kari...posted something...

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

"Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones: "Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "adopt and you'll get pregnant," of the most painful from those who think they've got the goods on God's plan, "Maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me.

"These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say, "Maybe God never meant for you to live." However, because I am infertile, I'm supposed to get on with my life. It's hard to understand that people can not see infertility for what it is, a disease for which I have to seek treatment. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die." What if he'd never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that that was God's plan?

"What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?"I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

"No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let him down.

"Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

"While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."

Kari has this uncanny ability to post things to me that are just what I needed to hear...and just when I needed to hear it. I was just ready to give up on having a child...naturally or otherwise. Sometimes the pain is too much to bear, I find solace in my fertility challenged friends. I find solace in God, in my family, in Scott....but the most comfort I seem to find is with a group of ladies that I have never met. How strange I am sure most think, but it is what it is! I don't know if it that common thread, if it the fact that most know how hard this is, empathy is sometimes stronger than sympathy. I don't know how to explain it. People look at me like I am crazy when I mention these ladies by name or if I get a call while in their presence and then they ask who was that....and I say....ohh Jami...and of course they ask who is that...and they don't understand. But that is ok, I do...God does...He no doubt brought these ladies to me! I am so blessed! Ohh and they are such Divas...but in our am I!?!?! Love, Love, Love them!

I know I have let this blog get stagnant, but Operation Baby has been on hold anyways due to my health. And this cycle was/is a complete meds, just when I got my period...I thought heck....why not try. And now...I am so completely excited.

Myniecee is pregnant, I admit it....jealousy has hit me hard. When I see her sonogram on her happy as I am for her, I can't help but be sad and hurt and JEALOUS! I hate that! I love her so much and want to share in this with her....but how do I explain to her that it hurts. I don't even understand it. I have got to find a way to do this, she is important to me, we were so close there for a long time, she is a woman now...pregnant, do I acclimate to this? Praying hard for peace, as when we move home...I want to be there, I want to share this with her. I want to let her know how much I care and how much she means to me. I want her to know that I don't hate her....I hate my empty arms! It's insane to associate the two, but it isn't just her...almost any pregnant woman...I wanna know why her and not me????

Ok, I can't cry anymore at work, people are starting think I am losing it. I am wondering if I ever had it ha ha.

Well, I may cry again ... I have pictures of Colin on my desk, one when he was maybe 2 weeks old, I am holding him. And then a few as he has gotten bigger. And there is a picture of his parents...Burt and Leslie. I have gotten so close to them, and our friendship makes me doubt this move a lot. Scott and I have never made better friends than them, how do I handle that? I can run across the street any time pretty much and get my Colin fix, my Leslie fix...and even Burt. I can't even talk about it with them, I get so choked up. Scott and I as a couple have never had friends like them, and I haven't had a friend like Leslie ever....and the closeness I feel to her isn't comparable to other friendships I have had in the past. From the time we met in Sunday School I knew I wanted to know them better. And from the start Scott and I felt so comfy with them. Some of the things we talk about....EEEK I wouldn't talk about with others. And...I saw her we are bonded for life now HA HA HA. I know I will feel so lonely for a while when I get home, I will miss Colin walking and talking and won't be there to spoil him rotten...not that he needs me to do that... :) I am just praying that God blesses us with friends like them, I pray that Leslie and I keep in touch and keep this friendship strong. It isn't like I am moving to California! I want her to be a part of mychild'ss life, she gave me the blessing of being there with Colin a lot...she will never know how much it meant that she let me hold him and love on him....and her calling me Mommy Hope....even though I am not his mommy...she let me love him, she shared that with me for a while...I think it helped. I have always had a hard time being around babies...but never once Colin. Oooo I just love him! I love them all, so much. Scott really likes them too, which doesn't happen all the time...he thinks Burt is so smart and is so funny. Him and Burt are very different, but sometimes that is good. Now Leslie and I...freaky how sometimes we think and do things alike....a lot of the same tastes and such. If I could have had her around when I was 10 on up....well, that would have made her like 3...and I don't think we woulda hung out ha ha. SIGH I will miss them so much!


  1. Wow! When you update your blog, you really update your blog!

    I love the new color scheme!

    You mentioned that some people find it strange that you have connected to the Divas on the fertility site in such a huge way and I just wanted to say what I think about it.

    Overall, I think it's great that you have a group of ladies that you have bonded with. No doubt that those ladies sharing a common theme will bring you guys closer. The thing that I have trouble with, though, is this:

    Why do you have those negative feelings you mentioned towards your neice who is pregnant (or last year when it was me), but not your Diva friends when they become pregnant?

  2. I love these new colors too...didn't even know you could do it with blogger!! :)

    As far as the 'Divas'...I think it was the common thread of infertility that brought us together, but something more and deeper that has kept us together. All of us are so different, live different places, believe different things...but we fit for some bizarro reason.

    I NEVER had negative feelings about you being pregnant. I still remember the day you called me and I did cry...but there was nothing negative about it. I was worried since the time you started having troubles with your period and everything that you would be like me, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Ask Scott, I was so happy for you and yes...emotional, but never in a negative way! I might have wished it was me, but not to the point that I was wishing it wasn't you!! I am so sorry you felt that way. With Cara, it was different. At the time, and sometimes even now...I wonder why God would give a child...a child. And it isn't really a negative feeling toward HER, I love her to death and want the best for is just the situation I guess. It all came at the time where I was supposed to be starting intense fertility treatments and I got sick and the doctors made all that STOP. It was timing, it is that someone can have sex for basically the first time and get pregnant, it is all sorts of thing. And I never ever ever said I am not hurt sometimes, jealous, envious, all sorts of feelings about someone getting there "BFP" on the fertility site...BUT, I know that the majority have been in my shoes, ARE in my shoes. The empathy thing I think is it mostly...I don't know how to explain it. I know every pain they feel when they get that big negative on the tests, I know how empty they feel every time their period comes, I know how they feel when someone else gets pregnant and they don't. Maybe that is it, I don't know. All I do know, just as with anyone who has faced wanting something that is out of reach...when you see it just fall into someones lap when you have stretched every thing in you to reach hurts and that just is hard to let go of.

    When you told me you were pregnant, I am sorry if you thought I was negative and I wish you had said something before now. I could have defended my reaction and words a little better I think.

    I love you...and Lily