Needless to say I am so overwhelmed by the responses here, sometimes I forget that some people actually read the things I say. I almost wish I hadn't put it out there, but too late now I guess.
I don't really know what to say at this point. I wish I could tell of some miracle or wonderful thing in my personal life...nothing there. I am just numb really right now.
Someone said it is scary to be 'alone'. It really is. A friend called and we talked a bit, she had no clue what was going on in my life - had been a while since we had talked. We kind of caught up and she needed to go and she said Hope, please pray for this certain thing...we really need God's hand to take care of this. I didn't know what to say. Usually my response would be of course, I know He will take care of you, I will pray hard for the answer. I didn't know what to say so I just said I am sure things will be fine.
I want to pray, I want to feel like I am fruitful with my prayers.
Scott had another interview this morning with a different company. We didn't really tell anyone because I know they will say we will pray for it, and pray with you. My mom always tells me to fast and to pray when we want something. I did that last week when he had the interview with the other company...maybe that is why it was so tough. I took all these extra steps to please Him and .... nothing.
The replies here are touching and amazing to say the least. I opened my email one night and saw there were all these posts to me. I can't tell you how much I appreciate them and how they did help. I am researching my insurance to find out about talking to someone. I have never felt like I would ever in my life need to talk to anyone in this manner. I feel isolated, all my friends are Christians and are so close to God. I don't feel they can understand this distance between God and my heart. I love my friends and if not for them this hole would be so much deeper and darker. My bestest friend called today. I want to just go there and feel that closeness, feel that relationship we share and it's healing properties. Times like this make me regret moving back to NC. Friends I had here before moving to SC have moved on and I can't blame them really....with all that is going on I let myself fall further and further away from them. I didn't reach out. I didn't let them in.
If not for Leslie and Lisa and crazy as it sounds my mother in law and my parents and Scott - I really don't know what I would do. These people are physically in my life, these are my anchors that keep me grounded and keep me from feeling completely alone. I don't know what I would do without them. But, I can't let it all out with them. It makes me feel like I am not a good friend, wife, daughter, sister. Each of them have their own lives and all that goes with it. I don't want to add anything negative to their busy, stressful lives. So for the most part I put on the happy face and share a different part of what I am going through with each of them so no one has to carry it all. I am going to screw up one day and forget who knows what and get yelled at for not telling it all to begin with SIGH!
On the other side of that friend coin is my sister in Christ, someone who shares my faith and even when it is shattered and I am gasping for air she is that little light sent to share her breath, and when my faith is shattered she has enough for both of us. She is holding on to those pieces waiting patiently to help me put them back together. She has this voice that always sounds like she is smiling. She understand that it has to take a lot for me to get where I am. We have this similar level of faith in, love for, awe of our God. So she knows for me to feel so alone from Him...it takes a lot. She doesn't question me, she offers support. She doesn't tell me I just need to trust that He will take care of it. She listens to my pain and instead of telling me to pray when I can't...she prays for me. I have never touched her, I have never felt her hand in mine. But, I have felt her love and prayers and through her words I feel her hurt for me. Between Kari and Leslie they have shown such unconditional love to me...when they didn't have to.
There are all the other 'Divas' on this black box that have kept me smiling and show so much love to me. And all these women who I have never spoken to or even read their blogs that has posted to me...took the time to offer prayers and their words to someone they don't know. Some have been where I am and have lived to tell about it. :)
Thank you all.
I am taking steps to get out of this pit.
I want to pray and feel like He hears me.
I know that all is not black in my life.
I know I am blessed with love.
I felt the love from my niece and nephew through such tight, warm loving hugs this weekend.
I am climbing up.
I haven't doubted my salvation, I know He is real, I know He has done and will do miracles. I just feel like I am waiting in line for my miracle and all of the other lines are moving forward but my line...kinda stuck, passed over.
I don't feel like I deserve all of this sadness...but Scott really doesn't. I want out of this pit so he can be happy, so he can feel loved, feel like he has his life he wanted with his wife. I want to pray for that. Should I? Praying without expecting God to hear it..much less answer it... just doesn't mesh with what I was taught about praying.
Emotionally I think things are a little better. I am not sure if it is because of the numb feeling or that I am just handling it better. I am not sure if any who have read this blog felt that I might do something detrimental to myself. NEVER. I have felt the pain of that selfish act and would never put my family and friends through that. NEVER.
The skies are blue in NC today, sun is shining and I wish I could get a redo for the past 2 years yet still have the knowledge I have today. So much would be different I think.
Don't take for granted any everyday mundane thing you do such as walking to the mail box, sweeping the kitchen, washing laundry, picking up your niece or nephew, putting on your socks...I could go on and on. I never thought I would miss doing house work.
New back doctor next month.
New nerve pain meds started last week.
Waiting for the insurance lady to call back with answers to my questions.
One day at a time.