Givin' it up...to Him!

Monday...Scott comes in (after multiple calls through the day), he almost seemed to be bouncing when he walked. He says that he has never felt like he is right now, and couldn't imagine working anywhere else. We talked about some of the other jobs that he didn't get and how they would not have been anything like he has now. We talked about how sad and angry we were when a door was closed. We thanked God that He gave Scott the job that would be the best all the way around. He knew that this job was coming, we would have settled for anything to get him closer to home. But, HE knew....He knew what we needed - and he gave it to us on his time, not ours.

Tuesday...We both are lighter, we both are talking and laughing and he said something to me that was so true. He said he forgot 'this us'. He forgot that we are corny and giggled at the silliest things. He forgot that we hugged just to hug and copped a feel sometimes. He forgot that we joked and laughed. We had been in such a place that we hugged just to console each other, we talked about what was wrong - not what was right. Few things made us laugh and giggle, our nightly chats that use to end in a great snuggle and laughs...for a long time I was asleep by the time he got in bed and there was little talk. I forgot about this us too, I like this us...love this us. Last night we fell asleep wrapped up in each other instead of only our feet touching.

Wednesday....He just called, his voice sounds so different. He is happy. He is going to his brothers to work on his computer. His family lives only a few minutes from his job. He works with 3 men and 1 woman. He says they are all super nice and the guys like to play games online and some of the ones that he plays. He has only made 'friends' at one other job and that was in Myrtle Beach. No where else has he felt like he had real friends where he could invite over or go out with. I just hope they have nice wives :).

So that is where we are with his job. We are beyond happy with all aspects of it. It is funny how just one thing...one big thing, but one thing can flip it and we went from despair and sadness and anger to happiness. It happened in one breath.

May 8th I see the neuro doc, praying he will fix me so I can get back to normal. I would love to go back to work...out of this house.

I read a blog yesterday. I respect her opinions and honestly felt some of what she was feeling during the lowest of times. She doesn't understand why God lets things happen, why He lets His children hurt. She doesn't believe in Him at all. She experienced one of the worse losses a women can experience. 36 weeks she lost her child. I can't imagine her pain, and I understand her doubt. I agree that when people hear you have went through something and say "God has a plan"...it angers her and me.

It is hard when a woman says "Maybe God doesn't want you to have children", it makes me angry! Why chose a 15 year old to have a baby, why does He chose her over me!? It confuses me when I read that If I delight in Him, He will give me my hearts desires. I don't understand.

But, I do know that He loves me and that He is on time all the time. Even when I push and shove Him away, He pulls and holds me in His arms. Once I gave Him my heart, I am His and He won't let go. Even when I don't understand His ways, I am so confused that I doubt my heart...even then He shows me love and compassion.

Others had posted to her that He is real and that He loves her. Her heart is closed to Him right now, am sure so many are praying for her. I understand how she feels, I have asked all the same questions.

His grace is sufficient. He is there always, we have the choice to take it to Him or do it ourselves. Looking back on my life my toughest time was when I thought I could do it alone.

I am giving it all to Him, and yes, I have done it many times before to only jerk it back when I think it isn't happening how I want it to.

Dear God, I am giving you my burdens. You have the power to make all my prayers come true, and also the power to give me peace if my prayers are not going to be answered how I want. God you know that my heart is consumed with having a child. A child that I would give back to You, a child that would know Your love and grace and power. Lord, You know that my back can't handle a pregnancy as it is, couldn't handle the day to day care of a baby. I am praying for healing in my back, give this new doctor the discernment to make me better and to prepare my body for a child. Fixing my back will be the one thing that will help fix the rest of my body. I will be able to exercise and lose weight and be a better representative of You. God Scott will be such a great father, he loves You so much and he will take the time to teach him or her about You. Be with my friends Lord, keep them safe and bless them with their heart's desires as well. There are few going through IUI's and at least one just went through an IVF. Dear Lord, You gave these doctors the knowledge to do these procedures and help fertility challenged women have a child. Bless them and make their efforts fruitful. Be with my family, bless them with good health and lots of happiness. Thank you Lord for all you have done in my life, lead us to the right church and let us find a great church family. Bless Leslie and Burt, Colin and Jack Henry. Leslie's grandmother is sick with cancer and the entire family needs Your touch to grant them peace and clear minds so they can agree on her treatment. I ask all of this in Your precious name, Amen.

What a friend we have in Jesus,

All our sins and griefs to bear!

What a privilege to carry

Everything to God in prayer!

Oh, what peace we often forfeit,

Oh, what needless pain we bear,

All because we do not carry

Everything to God in prayer!

Have we trials and temptations?

Is there trouble anywhere?

We should never be discouraged—

Take it to the Lord in prayer.

Can we find a friend so faithful,

Who will all our sorrows share?

Jesus knows our every weakness;

Take it to the Lord in prayer.

Are we weak and heavy-laden,

Cumbered with a load of care?

Precious Savior, still our refuge—

Take it to the Lord in prayer.

Do thy friends despise, forsake thee?

Take it to the Lord in prayer!

In His arms He’ll take and shield thee,

Thou wilt find a solace there.

Steps

Week went by so fast. I made a grocery list, went to 4 different grocery stores and bought over 300 bux in groceries...never done that. I had to change a lot of things, tossed a lot. My diet has to change for my diabetes sake.

Ohh did I forget to mention...am on Insulin now. 3 huge needles a day. I am getting used to them but still, Insulin...how did I get there? How did get from taking metformin 5 or so years ago to treat my PCOS, to upping the dose because my sugars started increasing....to taking Insulin 3 times a day. How did that happen!?!

So, let's just tally this up...

PCOS (google it if you wanna know more)
hypertension...on 3 medications for that yay
hyperlipidemia...yay to Lipitor!
diabetes...nuff said
back pain...taking Lyric.a, pain medication and cele.brex
hypothyroidism...woot on Syn.throid

all that together equals....

no doctor in his right mind will ever try to get me pregnant

which equals....well, that is obvious and there is no point in stating the obvious.

I have been thinking about this all week. You know how you can close your eyes and picture what you will be doing next year for Easter. You picture your child picking up eggs or you on a vacation somewhere nice. I close my eyes and I can't see past tomorrow. I can't see past this back pain, the bottle of insulin in the frig, the next finger stick, the next hand full of pills for this or that. Sure, I have plans...such as a wedding for a friend in September. I am not focused on how much fun it will be to spend time with friends, how beautiful it will all be...I am wondering if I will be able to walk without pain, stand without leaning on someone, if Scott doesn't go who will drive me - will I be able to drive?

But, maybe that is a good thing? I should be looking at the next step instead of ten steps away...since those steps are dependant on the next step taken. (if you are confused....I am right there with ya)

I guess I am in the process of taking the next step. Fixing my sugars - via healthier eating and medications. I can't exercise which is so important in diabetes but getting rid of the pain will lower the sugars and hopefully get me to where I can exercise. Losing weight and moving will help fix all of it.

I am being more strict on my intake, I have to...my dreams hinge on it, my health...last chance, 2009 is coming like a freight train and if I don't do it now...it will be too late.

I am doing this 10 pounds at a time. Every 10 pounds is a step.

I am waiting for neurodoc appointment, to take away my pain.

On a sweet note, babies are coming....Cara is already having some contractions. A fellow blogger got her long awaited BFP....CONGRATS to her, I am happy when just any ole person gets pregnant (well, most of the time). But...when it is someone who knows the road, felt the pain...gets pregnant it gives hope to all of us that are still hoping.

I had a great dinner at my mom and dads today. It felt like home, they are back downstairs. Several from my family was there and we all ate good and I got to stretch out on moms bed and just enjoyed being home.

We left and rode down to Gilboa church, beautiful as usual. Found an odd bush and took a pic, so pretty. THEN...we get home and hear a bird...crazy loud scary bird! Finally we saw it in the tree next door and it was a peacock! I couldn't believe something so big could fly but it sure took off and took my breath with it.

All that beauty, God blessed me with all that beauty today.

Operation Baby...still have hope

Operation baby seems to have stalled. The back problems limit almost all types of intimacy. Can't get pregnant without exposure... :)

Mostly I have been ok with it since the prayers answered about the job. It was just what we needed, it restored hope.

Then there are days...have I ever mentioned how much I hate some commercials. I could list them and most people who are trying to conceive will agree that they are like little daggers tossed through that black box right to my heart and uterus.

I admit I watch some soaps, not as regular as in the past...but enough to keep up with the stories. It sickens me recently how some of the women are so flippant with getting pregnant. It is like they put the baby and say...their career on a scale and try to rationalize which one is best for their future. I know these are fictional stories, but they happen every day in real life. I can not reconcile in my mind and heart how wonderful women...loving and long for a child can go barren and women who I am sure have good qualities but they don't' want a child, they don't want to share a son or a daughter with the love of their lives....they get the blessing of a tiny human being that shares her ears and his eyes....they get it!?! They get it and chose to throw it away.

January 2009 is rapidly approaching and I promised to myself that on my birthday in January that I will give it up, no more meds, no more special doctors, no more temping and checking cervical mucous. No more hope for a child of my womb. That will be the end of that dream, but the beginning of another...adoption. People say it so easily..."why don't you adopt"? Like it is something you can just do. Like you can walk into the hospital and say ok, I want to adopt...ohh that one with the head of hair and soft round nose.

I wish it were that easy, I think about all the babies that have been ab.orted and how many women and families would have taken them and they would gladly take the new title of mommy or daddy. If all those babies were still in this world, it would probably be so much easier to find a child to adopt.

Ugh...anyways...I am waiting now until my new insurance kicks in to initiate with the RE. This insurance pays like the last for infertility. I really feel like he won't do much for me until my back is fixed. So I will do whatever is necessary to fix it with this new doctor. Our appointment for last week had to be rescheduled to May 6th.

So now I am going to work on losing weight, have lost 20 pounds since Christmas and that is a lot for someone who can't exercise. I have to get my sugars under control which is hard to do with all the pain.

On the health front...bah. last 3 days I have been nauseated and vomiting. My sugars have been so high...347 was the highest yesterday. I don't know if I have a bug or what, but under penalty of making Scott mad...I will call the doc tomorrow and see what he thinks. I really think it may be my thyroid. My temps are ranging from 96 to 97. While the 97's aren't new to me, last night when it was at it's lowest was when I was the sickest. I was sweating like I had a fever but was so cold to the touch and sore all over like it was a fever. Today is better though.

Just as an aside: baked potatoes are great when I am sick, those and salty lays chips or saltines. Apple juice is also something I can keep down. Scott went to Wendys and got me a tater and whew...it has stayed down and makes me hope this is over.

We went to the in-laws yesterday. Scott helped his dad do a lot of things and I just crashed on the couch. Lena was like a little angel to me. She fixed dinner and made me a comfy place on the couch. She brought me anything I needed and even gave me some pepcid :).

Things will be ok though, I got God on my side and he has blessed me with so much!

Stuck in a Pit...grr

I picked up the book by Beth Moore - Getting out of the pit. I bought this book a few months ago after the suggestion of a wonderful singer told me how it helped her get out of her pit of fear and pain. I started reading it again and one of the first chapters was about feeling 'stuck'. Funny how one of my last posts I said...I feel stuck!

I want to get back to praying every chance I got - which was multiple times a day. I open my mouth to say please Lord and I stop...I just stop. Stuck. Am I getting comfortable in this pit and taking up residence? My radios were always on a christian/gospel station. I haven't turned on a radio in weeks. The one in the car is on some pop station now. Hasn't been changed. All I have to do is hit the first programmed button and it goes straight to Joy FM. STUCK.

My mom calls and tells me to watch a preacher on TV that is giving a good message. I say sure to not hurt her feelings or make her think I am spiralling...but I leave it on TLC to finish watching some home makeover. I am not spiralling, I am at the bottom. Stuck in this pit. I keep waiting for some thing to happen, some thing to make me fall on my knees and pray ... that is all I want to do is pray. I feel like if I can get back to there at least the rest will just come back on it's own.

I want to feel that connection with God that praying gives...that it sustains.
I feel like I am here........................... ............................God is way over there and that gap can only close if I can pray. I wanted to pray for a friend who had a failed IUI cycle, I wanted to pray for Scott while he was sick, I want to pray for my own healing, I want to pray for my brother in laws wedding, I want to pray for my parents. I just want to pray to thank Him for a beautiful day, for my daffodils blooming so pretty in my yard. I have a prayer list that is filled with family and friends and strangers. I look at that list almost daily and I can't find the words that used to come naturally.

HOW DO I GET IT BACK? I do want it back. I want out of this pit, I want that relationship with God back.

I read the book on the way to a birthday party for my nephew. He is 5. He is beautiful. He hugs and kisses Scott and I, and no matter the mood it elevates us above any sadness that this party is not for our child. On the way there I had put down the book as we got off the interstate. The gift shuffling across the back seat with each turn, its' movement not interupted by a child saftey seat snuggly attached. The huge blue bow on top struggling to stay on not being pulled at by a nosey toddler in the back seat.

When we shopped for Caleb, Scott and I always feel the same things....oooo our child would love this, wish I was shopping for our son or daughter. I remember times when we would actually buy things for our 'child'. That has stopped. The box that had toys, a few clothes and other baby accouterments has stopped growing and for the most part the things in that box have found their way to other children and kid visitors.

We were handling it all very well, watching the kids run and bowl and yell for mommy and daddy to see the pins that they knocked down. Then there was the 3 month old baby there, friends of my nephews mother. She was so cute, being passed from woman to woman. Not me, I didn't offer my arms and wasn't asked to hold her. Then there were 3 women in my life sitting at our table talking about the sizes of their children at birth, they even tried to engage me in this conversation. I shoved a french fry in my mouth and blamed the hotness of it for the reason my eyes are tearing up. UGH

Just every day there is something that reminds me why I am here, why I am stuck. Whether it be a pregnant 15 year old walking through Wal-Mart or a young couple looking at vacation photos of them hiking and having a great time, or a mother swinging her child around in a circle not worrying about her back pain - because she has none. No matter if on some TV show where something grand happens or something I see in real life...something reminds me of my prayers...my personal for me prayers either being shut down or not answered. I get angry and am becoming bitter. What if I stay here? How bleak is that!?! I have become one of those the glass is half empty kinda girls. That has never been me. I have always been able to see the good, even the possibility of good.

I hope this book helps me, I hope the pit is temporary. I can't stand this - this pit disconnects me from people, God, life...and worse of all I think I have brought Scott into it with me. ... no think about it..I have brought him in it with me. :( Scary because he was always the one on the other end of the rope pulling me out. I even see the rope coiled up in the corner of this pit so even if there were someone up there....I hope they have another rope! EEEEEEK

The new medication he put me on for nerve pain is making me even more crazy. Today...I woke up at 12:30...pm not am! I went to bed Saturday night by 9. Actually was in bed around 8 took 2 pain pills and finally went to sleep by 9. It wasn't that I was laying there tossing and not sleeping...I slept 15 hours!!! I could have stayed asleep had it not been for Scott waking me. That has to be some world record or something. I was going to stop it on Friday but I thought I should wait until I talk to the doctor. I could go back to sleep right now I bet. UGH.

OK, book is written ha ha. I do feel better after posting here for some reason.

I can't

I don't even know how to start this really.

Just in a low dark place in life right now. It is so dark I honestly can't remember a time over the last ... almost 2 years that was truly happy and carefree.

I don't remember a YES from God in these past 2 years.

I can't even remember how it feels to be pain free, to feel free to jump out of bed in the morning and get ready for work. I took for granted the freedom to do normal every day things. Hopping in the car to run to Target or the grocery store...heck Hopping would be nice!

Overwhelmed with the ability to remember every no over the last 2 years, every bad, sad, draining, heartbreaking NO handed down to me by my loving Father.

Occasionally everyone...everyone needs something to hold on to. Some answer of YES, some personal yes to span the distance between those devastating no's.

Granted, I have prayed for others, for healing, for their happiness, and of course their yes's ... their blessings are wonderful and to a point lift me up to hope for my own. I have watched as family and friends have prayers answered, their faith renewed or strengthened. I am not jealous of their happiness - I really don't think this is jealousy. It isn't their fault that I am where I am.

I know...yes, I know that God has blessed me with air, water, home, food, life...but for the most part everyone has that. My needs are pretty much met...I guess that should be enough. But sometimes...once in a while we all need a want - a personal, all about me, all about my family, heart soothing, soul rejuvenating, faith renewing answer of YES to a want. My wants aren't something extreme...family of my own, Scott a job closer to home, my pain to ease...it isn't like I am asking for some crazy unrealistic thing.

I thought time would soften this hurt, but it hasn't. Usually I get this overwhelmed and go through the anger, the hurt, the sadness finally making it to acceptance. I seem to get to acceptance and my faith is intact, my heart healing and I rest firm in the knowledge that my life and my whole being is in the hands of God.

I am stuck in anger, hurt and sadness. Within a time frame of a few days...I was bombarded with NO's. Not just the silence of not answering...which leaves hope. These were cut and dry...N-O! It wasn't just this job, if it was.... I think it would have never been this big of an issue in my heart and soul. When Scott got home that day that we found out he didn't get this job...half joking I said all we need now is a no to this certain prayer we had been praying and that will be the cherry on top. The next day...that cherry came. And it didn't stop there.

So here I am, feeling like my prayers, my wants are falling on deaf ears. I have never been one to expect the worse. I have always been one to see the potential, the possibility, the positive in most everything. Right now...I don't even feel like I can pray. I have even caught myself mid sentence saying Please Dear God....STOP IT HOPE...HE ISN"T LISTENING TO YOU! Maybe that sounds harsh or childish but I can't help but feel like my prayers are being redirected or aren't making it through the clouds.

It is difficult to see how all of this is impacting Scott. He works all day to come home to a wife that can't make love to him, can't really cook him a meal, can't lift clothes baskets to wash his clothes, barely keeping the house manageable. He never knows if he is coming home to a bucket of tears or a semi happy wife. He does know he hasn't came home to the woman he married...in the last 2 years pretty much, and he doesn't know when or if his 'wife' will be back. I am lucky he comes home at all huh?

If not for friends, for my mom and dad, for Scott I think I would just stay in bed all day every day. Most of my family and my in-laws know nothing of what we are going through. Honestly no one knows it all. I hate pity.

I know that He saved my soul...the anniversary of that is March 9th. Kinda ironic that that date would coincide with the lowest point in my Christian walk. I have only felt this alone one other time. Not alone from family or friends...but alone from His grace, His love, His tender care.

I can't pray.
I can't remember how faith felt.
I can't feel Him.
I can't see the light.
I can't find my way out.
I can't type anymore....I can't see through the tears.

What a week..

Scott has been so sick, I think it was the flu to begin with but he developed some type of bacterial infection in his lung!?! He was put on a strong antibiotic and was out of work almost all week. Needless to say I hate to see him sick, it breaks my heart! We weren't able to go to the beach of course, last thing we would want is to make anyone else sick. It tore me up not to go but, I know it was best but I hated to miss the birth of baby Jack Henry.

All went well even though I wasn't there *wink*. He was born healthy and happy on the 21st, 8 pounds and 6 ounces. He is soooo pretty - oops excuse me handsome. Burt and Leslie texted me pictures and he looks a lot like Colin but has his own little look to himself as well. Colin is going to be a wonderful big brother, already he is in love with Jack Henry. Leslie said he told Jack Henry to open his eyes so he could see him...aww. And he wanted to feed him his bottle too...I think he will be mommas little helper.

I can't wait to get there to hold him and love on him, both of them. I can imagine Colin checking in on his brother when they both are in daycare, how cute will that be!?! I am sure Burt's chest is all puffed out and is so happy to be the daddy to these two beautiful babies...can't blame him. Even though Burt is a stinker...a big ole stinker...I love him too. Him and Leslie are such great parents already I am sure the addition of this little bundle will make them all the more better. I hope when we become parents we can use them as our example!!

Speaking of us becoming parents...grr. I went to the doctor last week I think it was....time flies. My sugars have increased which confuses me, my home testing seems to show they have decreased. A hgb A1c was done and that looks at your levels over a period of time and it went from a 6.3 to a 6.9. Sooo he put me back on injections twice a day and a different medicine for pain - well, for nerve pain. I hope it works. As far as my glucose levels...I have noticed a big decrease already and the meds make me nauseated so I have lost 3 pounds since last week. My migraines were making a comeback so I went back on Toporol for those - and also my blood pressure. That medicine helps with both so fingers crossed. With all of this...trying to conceive is put on hold for 4 months yet again...sigh.

God, I don't understand why...I don't know how to face my future with dreams of a child not becoming a reality. Scott and I talked about adopting again, and that is something we are really considering. We also for the first time talked about surrogacy. We have someone in mind, someone we feel would do this for us because she loves us that much. But...it is hard to swallow, right now my throat got tight and the thought of it all made me tremble. The cost of it all will be overwhelming as well...for the baby to be of Scott and I - we would have to have egg retrieval, have it fertilized and see if it becomes an embryo. Success and the next step would be IVF - CHA CHING$$$!! That is the only way we would go with a surrogate - if the child could be 100% ours. The other thing to consider...say they retrieve 10 eggs...8 become embryos and 2 are implanted during IVF...what about the other 6? Those are babies too...ugh. So much to think about.

I just feel stuck, but I know that my God is bigger than all of this. I know that without valleys there would be no mountains...without rain there would be no flowers or rainbows. But when it is raining - flowers and rainbows are the furthest from my mind. So in this storm I need to be reminded of rainbows and the birth of a best friends baby is certainly a reminder. The warm touch of the love of my life...rainbows. The answered prayer surely brings the fragrance of flowers.

I got this soundtrack in the mail today...can't wait to sing it.

You are Good by Point of Grace
When the sun starts to rise and I open my eyes
You are good, so good
In the heat of the day with each stone that I lay
You are good, so good

With every breath I take in
I'll tell You I'm grateful again
When the moon rises high before each kiss goodnight
You are good

When the road starts to turn around each bend I've learned
You are good, so good
And when somebody's hand holds me up, helps me stand
You are so good

With every breath I take in
I'll tell You I'm grateful again
'Cause it's more than enough just to know I am loved
And you are good
So how can I thank You
And what can I bring
What can a poor man lay at the feet of a king
So I'll sing you a love song
It's all that I have
To tell You I'm grateful
For holding my life in Your hands

When it's dark and it's cold and I can't feel my soul
You are still good
When the world has gone gray and the rain's here to stay
You are still good

With every breath I take in
I'll tell you I'm grateful again
And the storm may swell even then it is well

You are good
So how can I thank You
And what can I bring
What can a poor man lay at the feet of a king
So I'll sing you a love song
It's all that I have
To tell You I'm grateful
For holding my life in Your hands

and last thing...this video is worth watching and will bring many tears.

http://www.ignitermedia.com/products/iv/singles/570/99-Balloons

2008 off with a bang

Scott and I are planning a trip to Myrtle Beach next week...Leslie and Burt are gonna be birthin a baby! So excited. I hope it is a little girl, but will be just as happy with a boy. I can't wait to spend time with Colin too - he is soooooo cute, got his birthday picture and he is growin up sooo...tooooo quickly!



We are faced with decisions and I detest not feeling certain about things.



We wanted to buy my uncles house - well it isn't his anymore as he has past. It was the house my grandfather built, it was the first house my parents lived in...and it is connected to my parents land. Unfortunately things didn't happen as hoped and the house was being put on the market. I pray that someone that is wonderful gets the house as it is next door to my brother Todd and my cousin Steve. Realistically the house was probably too small, in desperate need of updating.



So, we are thinking of maybe updating this house...but Scott works in Asheville...he has an hour and half drive one way...it is getting to be too much. We contemplated moving up the mountain for 6 months, see if it makes him like his job any more...but he really wants to find a job here. Soooo we are going to try to hang out a while longer...but those gas fill ups are bankrupting us!!



There is a house next door to us that we have wanted for a long time, it is beautiful and in no need of updating...3 bedrooms .. much nicer house than my uncles or this one. If we moved in there, we would let my nephew and his wife move in here. That is the perfect scenario...they are having a baby and would be so nice to be able to help them and babysit for them when needed. Plus Brad is our lifesaver, he is like our child in a way!



I am disgruntled with my current orthopedic doctor...am not satisfied that this is permanent and to accept we are at pain management. So...making the choice to find another doctor. We need another car, hopefully something better on gas...so that is something we are discussing. I can't really drive right now but can go to the grocery just up the street or maybe to the pharmacy. Being stuck here with no way to do what I want is killing me!



STILL NO PERIOD! gonna fix that though. 2 months are almost gone now and dang it...we are sticking to our time frame as of January 2009 - no more TTC...full on intense adoption will be our next step to parenthood.



My brother in law is getting married in April, lots of things I would love to do for that...but my back is keeping me from it. They really seem happy and I am glad that Chris is excited and in love. I feel for Amanda, I love her and want her to be happy too but it isn't going to be with Chris. Jen is great and she loves Chris so much, and we all are falling in love with her too.



My mom is doing better, her pacemaker is making her feel better...so on that front things are improving. My family still is split and I don't see healing there anytime soon, all I can do is pray.



My back is a bit worse I think, I feel like something is going on. The pain in my left leg is back - not as intense but it is back. The other pain is getting worse, and I feel like I am at a dead end with my current doctor. I do have physical therapy coming up, but my moms ordeal put it off and with my trip next week I think I will wait until the week after.



Hmm that is about it I guess...I wish that it was all sugar and sweetness...I know one day that I will wake up completely happy with my life. God is always here, He is faithful - I just have to have faith in Him!

I was a cute baby....

The last few days have been long...more pain lately than I have had in a while. I have been trying to cut back on pain medications for a couple reasons. First, addiction is something that has always scared me - I totally fear dependency on pain meds. My brother had this addiction and it eventually took his life. Second...it is hard to gauge pain when I am consistently on pain medications. Ok, it is gauged and my nurse called and said that letting the pain get out of control and then taking more than needed is how the majority get addicted. Taking scheduled doses, keeping the pain tolerable is necessary to keep me sane - (no comments on the sane part). Also, pulling back on the meds has increased my blood pressure and sugars. SO, back on schedule.



Unfortunately, I did this at a time when my mom needs me. Today she went to the ER with a heart rate of 32-34. VERY short of breath and weak. When she got hooked up to the monitor a doctor who had been looking at the screen at the nurses station came flying in with pads to shock her!! But, mom was coherent and talking so...they put on an external pacemaker and she is having a real pacemaker put in tomorrow morning. Soo...here I am trying to get through this pain and unsure how I will take care of her. I guess the words of my niece will kick in..."I am not an island!!" I am just so use to being the one - ya know!?!



Still no period, makes me angry - no period no new cycle. I guess that should be kinda a good thing...means no 2ww and no obsessing. I have my screen saver doing a slide show of pictures on my computer. I was sitting here watching it and some old pictures I scanned were on there. One came up was me as a baby....oh maybe 2 months old. I can't help but get emotional, seeing my baby face and slowly coming to the realization that I may never see my nose on our baby, that little whisp of hair sticking out of the cap I was wearing. January is gone, 11 more months to get pregnant then we stop trying. I typed that and woah....my throat hurts trying to keep the tears from falling!



the pic...

My devotion today was about how God knew today long before it happened. He knows the path laid out for us and knowing that HE knows should really be enough to make us have the faith that everything is working for our good. I wondered how could I ever doubt that even in the midst of the most horrific pain in my life, He still has plans for ME … plans to prosper ME and not to harm ME, plans to give ME a hope and a future. Isaiah 54:10 For the mountains shall depart, and the hills be removed; but my kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the LORD that hath mercy on thee. He promised, I believe!

Then my perspective took a change. I read a blog by a husband and wife, struggling with infertility - did IVF, pregnant with triplet girls. Long story short, they just lost them and my heart just tightened up like it was my own personal pain times 10! I don't know how they will handle it all, I prayed hard for them. They have a wonderful relationship so I know they will be ok in time. But here I am, doing my self pity thing...thinking my issues are so horrible. Then, I read that and I am blown away. My problems are grains of salt comparatively. I am really going to try my best to see the good things every day, maybe if I concentrate on the good things in my life - the bad things won't be so huge.

Her Blog

Back update SIGH

I am reading a book by Charles Swindoll about Esther.

In the book Esther in the Bible - God, prayer, praise, heaven - NOTHING God related was mentioned at all in this book. But, even though His name wasn't mentioned He is alllll over this book of the Bible.

I went to the doctor yesterday...was blah. The back doctor by the way.

He walks in, shakes my hand and here is how it goes...
"Hey Hope, how are you doing?"
"About the same I guess - no wait better because the infection is gone!"
"How is your pain?"
"Same as last month, though I have fallen a few times and have bruises up and down my legs - wanna see??"

He looks at my legs and takes notes - I hate when they take notes, I wonder if he wrote "She actually shaved her legs today!"

"So what is the plan doc? I want my life back, I want to work, I want to be able to pick up more than a gallon of milk without wincing."

"Looking at your last scan and since your symptoms have not improved and maybe a little worse - I hate to tell you but the nerve damage may be permanent"

I am a big crier - so my eyes fill with tears, he hands me a kleenex and proceeds to tell me that pain management is my course for a while. I am still stuck on permanent damage and barely hear what words comes from his mouth.

"What about physical therapy? Can I do that and maybe get some strength back and some stability back?"
"Well, I don't recommend it - I am afraid at this point that you may push it to far and hurt yourself further"
"But, I can't sit here and do NOTHING...please let me do PT!"
"I will write an order for 4 weeks and it isn't going to be running on a treadmill or biking - just heat/cold/US therapy and some minimal stretches and exercises."
"I will take anything that might veer us off the single avenue of pain management"

Soo...that is where I am. I got home, and was quite upset but tried to not let Scott know. I just don't know how I can deal with this all my life. How can I even have a child if I can't pick them up or heck...carry one in my belly??? Just a little heart broken about the pain and about the baby thing. I am still keeping my appointment next month with the gyno/RE but I am sure they are going to be really reluctant to help me at this point...and well, I will be 39 in a few short days and that makes me a year from old. Sorry if anyone that reads this is 40 but I am being dramatic..I know 40 isn't old but in the ttc world it sure seems like it is!

I got a great email from my nephew and nieces mother....God knew what I needed to hear and He gave her the words. It really made me feel so much better to read...will post part of it here

I know it is hard to see past what our flesh wants allot of the time, but remember that Gods gifts are sometimes spiritual and not physical. I may wind up just being a great SINGLE mother who trust in God, and counsels others...or maybe I will be a great singer and my testimony will touch somebody that way. I don't really know. All I can do is trust that whatever he has in store for me, will be the greatest thing I could ever have. I understand that great things don't always come easy. Some of the greatest things in life, requires great sacrifice. I'm learning to be self-LESS and to embrace others happiness. Even if it mean I have to sacrifice my own for a while.

This is from a new Christian...she is going through so much but I really believe she has something great in store.

I have had some great comments lately that have made me smile inside and out.

Confusion

I don't understand sometimes.

I had a rough weekend. Friday I woke up...got out of bed and spied an unused pregnancy test and thought hmm why not? I am addicted right?? So I pull out a cup and diddle in it and then drop the 4 drops in the peepee well. I watch it start to saturate the test window and of course that is when the dog started going crazy to go pee herself. So I took her out, grabbed a towel and washcloth for my shower and walked back in to the bathroom. I had forgot about the test...had been no more than 10 .. MAYBE 15 minutes. There is was on the side of the tub. I nearly fell when I picked it up and saw this...

I looked at it and didn't have to turn it, hold it up to the light, NOTHING...there were 2 lines there! Then I thought...whatever - I just went through this last month but it was after I left it for 1ish hours. There was no way it was even close to an hour. So I get in the shower, crying and praying that this was the real thing. I haven't had my period, but no symptoms. I would get giddy then literally pop myself in the forehead telling myself to STOP IT!!

This was all around 11 ( I know...it was a late morning sleep in ). I sit on it, I can't go anywhere so I can't get another test...so what do I do??? And so about 5 I call Scott and tell him and ask him to pick me up REAL tests from Wal-mart....and then sent him a pic of the test and he freaked too. He was so excited, he got home and we went through all the what ifs, all the ooo this is perfect timing and how good God is and we knew He would answer our prayers...then.

Then...I worked up some pee and took the 'real' test. NEGATIVE...not even a hint of a line. HOW??? I could barely breath, much less speak or type. My heart was broken, my sweet husband was broken as well. He hurt for me more than himself I think. I felt like I had failed him one more time, and wished I hadn't told him and snuck to get my own test later.

And yes, I did use the second test to retest with FMU, but it was a waste of tests! I will NEVER buy a dollar tree test again. This is the second time..actually the third time. The first was Easter almost 2 years ago.

I was inconsolable for 2 days, I tried to just brush it off but it is hard. That is my biggest problem is letting go of that hurt. I heard a song today that The sorrow is so deep, but God can soothe it. But, if I don't let it go....how can He? But, letting go of the pain of infertility is almost impossible. Everywhere I look there are children, pregnant women, some painful reminder that none of those things are part of my personal world. Snow is coming - benign thought to some...but all I can think of is how I won't be out playing with my child in it! I pray and wish and hope that I can let it go, but I can't. I admit it. Seems there is nothing that can release it.

I try and I have moved from hurt to anger when people say that my faith isn't strong enough, or I am not trusting God enough. It is hard not to tell them how I feel, but mostly I bite my tongue. I KNOW my God knows what He is doing, I know He can do anything - I don't doubt that He loves me and wants to make me happy - I just can't see His plan as clear as He sees it and that cloudiness leaves me with hope that MY plan is HIS plan.

All of this and then a friend who just had her second IUI got her beta back today and it was negative. My heart breaks for her, I talked to her as she was going in for her blood work and the hope in her voice was intoxicating. I think I wanted it to be positive almost as badly as she did. For that time following her blood draw I prayed and cried to God begging Him for her, and then she lets me know it is negative.

I don't understand. She is so faithful, her heart is so precious and she loves Him and is such a wonderful Christian woman...I don't understand why I haven't been blessed - but why Lord has she had to suffer this pain. I guess it goes to show that faith and trusting has nothing to do with this trial. They are ready to give up, I am praying they don't. The next step is injectables and I really feel this is what it is going to take. I hope they at least try once, but that is between them and God.

I was better today until I got her news, then I went to spend time with my mom and my cousin Lori and her/our family. It was what I needed. My new baby cousin was there, and he is sooo cute. I wish I had taken my camera.

I am ok, it is those random commercials of fathers and their child, or the threat of snow, or looking through a family album that can really get to me. Scott seems to know when that is too - he hears me sniffle or he just feels that little dagger too.

I am going to see a new doctor in February. I hope that even with my back problems that the doctor will go ahead with fertility treatments. I guess we will see.

*WARNING - Pity Party going on...BYOB*

Desires of my heart...

My mother called me after watching a sermon on TV and the verses escape me but she said I should write the things down that I want the Lord to bless me with and pray over them daily. The list is long, the years praying for them have been long.

I got news today from Brad and my mother that Cara is having a little girl. As of right now, she plans on naming her Ida Hope. Ida was my great grandmother...and it starts with an I...just like Illan. Hope...I guess that is obvious. I am touched needless to say, how special is it to have new life named after me! She will be the second actually, the first was a girl that I had never met before...she came into the lab and we had a connection and though I only met her once, it was intense and we prayed together and cried together...she later called me and told me that if her child was a girl...she was naming her after me. She had a girl and named her Ashton Hope.

It is raining outside...it is raining inside it feels. Truly detest days like these. Pity parties SUCK! I could write a million times God give me a baby and I have probably prayed it that many times...and He never answers, He never even says no...or am I clinging to the prayer, to that hope of a child so tightly that I can't hear Him say NO!?!

Go figure as soon as my cycles get normal I decide to temp and chart...and the very month that i decide to do that my cycles go bye bye again! I seriously thought God was letting my cycles be normal as a sign that I should start trying again. 18 days, I will be 39. I guess menopause is around the corner...at least then I will know the answer is NO ... not just NO but smack me in the face no baby in your belly ever NO!

That would almost be better than that ounce of hope that drives me insane...I am so insane.

My body sucks it has failed me in so many ways...ugh have I mentioned I hate days like this???

I have a great husband, wonderful friends, great family, I have a house and food and water...blessings are abundant. I guess I am greedy to ask for more.


*My hearts desire list...
A child
The house we want
My back to be healed
Scott to find a better job close to home

just a few

Christmas - 2007

Today was wonderful in so many ways. I am exhausted to say the least, I am not sure if I will even be able to do very much tomorrow. I took pain meds to get me through the day, but even those didn't do too much. But I wanted things to be pretty and comfy. Scott had to work most of the day so I was home to do what all had to be done to get ready. But...my white horse rode in and saved the day...he has a way about him. Brad is probably the closest that Scott and I will ever get to a son, he NEVER hesitates to come help me or us. I just love him so much.



Anyways, dinner time came and things were great. Daddy was sick, he ate something Sunday that has made him sick...has a migraine as well. He was so upset he couldn't come. He called and said that he loved me and was so sorry he couldn't be here. Then he said...I got your sock. I will post more about that later.



Brad comes back early, just wanna squeeze him. Then here comes Illan and his mommy and daddy - Randall and Cara. He is so cute, he steals your heart every time you see him. His lil cheeks were red, and his smile was huge. They brought some of moms food for her and then Mom and her friend Korey came. I had made a big ham and some appetizers and such. Ohh some killer punch, mmmm. Mom made turnips (EWWW), turkey, dressing, sweet potatoes, salad, tea, ... she nearly brought the whole meal. Lisa and Todd came in next with mmm her potato salad!



TW, his wife Tammie and Briana brought in the rear. Junior and Joanne had something at church, Leon and Betty went to the beach to see David. Leon M. got sick and Travis was out on a call. So pretty much everyone that said they were coming showed up! Perfect amount either way, Those that were meant to be here...were here. Not saying I wasn't missing some people, because I was.

Everyone had a great meal, laughter and talking. Illan was the life of the party though he is such a cutie. He tries to say Hopie...his little lips will make the "O" shape...sooo flipping cute! I wanted to just kiss his little cheeks off. Todd is the cutest with him, I remember Todd and how he was with his kids but he is soooo cute with Illan. Everyone was being silly by the end of the night. I made cappichinos for everyone and by 10ish everyone was pretty much gone. Thankfully Cara, Brad and Kita stayed long enough to help me clean up a bit.

I basically fell into bed, took some more meds and went to sleep. I actually fell asleep typing this last night. Scott said I tossed and turned all night, crying out in pain every time. I remember tossing a lot...hate I kept him up.

We woke up this morning to get ready to go to Scott's parents and I just couldn't. As much as I hated it, I just couldn't handle the ride or even the getting ready. So he went, I stayed in bed...sleeping until almost 4! But, it helped I was able to get up and I did go to Brads house for a little dinner which was super nice. Mom and Dad were there, Corey, Cara, Randall and Illan. Kitas brother Tyler and her mom Miss Betty and another older lady I wanna say Kitas grandmother - not sure though. It was very nice and I was glad to see daddy, I would have went to see him at home if he hadn't been there.

Home now with a muscle relaxer kicking in soon I hope!

Yesterday and today were difficult, but the hustle and bustle yesterday kept me distracted. But, sadly it still wasn't enough. Very few gift exchanges really, but knowing if a child was here...the gift giving would be insane! I remember all the wonderful Christmas dinners at moms or our grandmothers and there were always so many gifts for all. But I kept all the tears at bay for each function and while it is never far from my mind...I even enjoyed the children.

Christmas was great as a whole, Leslie called and I heard Colin in the background. I spoke with Little Tom tonight too, and I hope his Christmas is blessed. I am sending him and Angel gifts this week. I am having several things printed and I wanted to make sure her name was spelled Angel or Anjel. I am making him/her a great picture album and also knitted them both scarves.

Well, am heading back to bed, I will upload pics either tonight or tomorrow.

Random post

For those who sincerely believe in Jesus Christ as their Savior - this short, trouble filled life on Earth will be the closest thing to Hell we will ever experience ... but for those who don’t believe, this life will be the closest thing to Heaven . . .

I read that today and it gave me chills. I pray so hard for family and friends who can't say I am a sinner saved by grace. It breaks my heart that one day...and I feel that day will be sooooon, I will be in Heaven and will know they are not there. Life is so fleeting, how did this year go by so fast and 2008 is around the corner!!!

Every day is different, the level of pain is pretty consistent but I have started to learn how to sit...how to stand, how to even lay and the pain is still there but not as sharp and not tear-producing. It means I guess that I can tolerate most things, and to a point function a little better. Mondays and sometimes Tuesdays are better days - because my soul and heart are refreshed on Sunday and it carries over. But usually by Wednesday I am a big fat sad sack again looking at all the trials and physical/emotional/ pain I am dealing with. That sly devil sure knows my time schedule too...by Friday he has me spinning in circles sometimes.

Yesterday the pastor preached on Revelation 20:10 - And the devil that deceived them was cast into the lake of fire and brimstone, where the beast and the false prophet are, and shall be tormented day and night for ever and ever. AMEN AMEN AMEN...he has put me through enough and he deserves this and I hope for one minute I can look at him and go neener neener!

I am so tired, I don't know what to do other than to pray and to keep my eyes on Him. It is so hard though, every movement almost producing pain. I am tired of complaining, as much as some are tired of hearing about it. I have really tried not to even talk to people about it anymore...I know they are sick of it! People ask...how are you and I quickly say fine...they are well meaning I am sure but they REALLY don't wanna know!

Christmas is coming, I want to share it with our child...at this point by any means. I question if we will be able to adopt with my health as it is...who would want to give a child to someone like me???? Why is it when you are feeling as low as seemingly possible you think of all these things? My birthday is next month and I will be 39...yes, 39 and I am screaming inside...we have waited TOOO long, it is over we will never be parents....not only are we too old - oh my gosh how would I take care of a child when I can't take care of myself...which makes all this even worse because I want to know why God would allow this all to be on my plate. UGH...pity party over...pick your coats up at the door.

I know this is a mish mash of thoughts and feelings...woke up to that time of the month and it is just another reminder I am not a mother. I tried to bend over to pick up the dog and it isn't happening...SIGH.

OK, gotta get this day going...got to get my house ready for Christmas...dinner is here this year. I have to get all the rooms perfect - or close to it so I won't be so stressed that week before. I also need to send out some invites and call some people. Mom isn't up to doing it and the house there isn't ready sooooooo Hello me! I don't mind though, excited that Daddy's brother and his wife and family are wanting to participate!

Even in the Valley...

High upon this mountain - the sun is shining bright
My heart is filled with gladness here above the cares of life
But I've just come through the valley of trouble, fear and pain
It was there I came to know my God enough to stand and say

Even in the valley - God is good
Even in the valley - He is faithful and true
He carries his children through - like He said He would
Even in the valley - God is good

The road of life has lead you to a valley of defeat
You wonder if the Father has heard your desperate plea
But there is hope in the rugged place where tears of sorrow dwell
Can't you hear Him gently whispering "I am hear and all is well"


I want to hear Him whispering, I sit quietly sometimes turning off everything and close my eyes waiting to hear that this trial is almost over. I haven't heard those words, but tonight after a long few hours of a pity party...I sat quietly praying and a feeling of it won't be long settled over me and it is like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I pray that this is something real and not just my wishful thinking.

I am so blessed, I know this...I know that God has overwhelmingly blessed me with friends and family and Scott, sometimes I feel selfish asking for more.

My heart is so heavy for so many reasons. I go back to the doctor on the 25th and I guess we will see what is next. The pain in my leg, the numbness is still there. Maybe not as intense as before but I am on drugs :) I keep hearing the doctors warning...the nerve may be damaged permanently...if so I guess this is something I may have to live with. I am just praying for His will and I pray it is complete healing.

The baby bug is biting again too, kind of funny since we can't even make love right now. I think that losing a little weight has helped my cycles as they have been more normal since the surgeries. I think I even had ovulation pains last month. It was about 18 days into my cycle and 14 days later my period started...who knows.

Little Tom called and we talked for a long time, he sent me pictures of my great neice. She is beautiful. I pray that mom, dad, Tommy and I will be able to drive out to see them before Christmas. I am working on a family album for him with pictures of everyone. He has texted me a few times and Brad, Cara and Lisa have talked to him too. His mom Annie called too and that really touched my heart so much. I loved her so much and miss her.

Mom is feeling much better, she spent a few days in the hospital but is home doing fine now. She was more worried about me than herself. Lisa and Cara came and stayed two days, got to see Illan...he is growing sooo much. Lena brought Caleb and they stayed one day. I tried to tell mom that I will be fine this week, but she insists on coming to stay with me. Mom is so awesome, she gives the best advice and has such a loving heart. I feel so honored when people say I remind them of her. I remember when I was younger I said I will never be like her...and now I am honored...my how time changes. I had to look at her through God's eyes and I saw an angel.

Tomorrow

Is the big day! I went for pre-op yesterday and had the other MRI. If anything is worse or changed, he will call today and discuss it...otherwise I will see him tomorrow at 11. I am nervous, but I have faith that this surgery will make all the difference.



Twice we have found a car that we wanted but had to talk about it and went back the next morning and it is gone! SOO frustrating. So we are still down a car and Scott will have to go on his own after my surgery to look. He found the VW on his own, so I am sure he can do this too.



I went to church with mom and dad on Sunday, Tommy and Little John and Korey were there too. I took a song to sing just in case, and they asked me to sing. I walk up to the front, and being as I can't feel anything in my right foot I didn't realize I hadn't cleared the alter and tripped...yep my greatest fear happened. I hope my skirt stayed down *UGH*. I scraped and bruised my leg, but I did sing. I probably sounded horrible, it hurt soooo bad. I sang I bowed on my knees and cried Holy. Mom loves that song and it was one I felt led to sing.



I have been battling the devil lately, he has made me feel overwhelmed, made me feel like God is putting more on me than I can handle. God is going to get me through this surgery and take away my pain, God will deliver us from this accident and make everything ok, He will make a way for children, He will direct us to a church, He is FAITHFUL!!



I withdrew from a lot of things, the devil got me to think I needed to handle things on my own. He does that! He really made me think that things would be easier if I just drew from my own strength not involve friends and family or God. My strength is nothing without those three resources. My friends can sympathize and empathize, they can be impartial and caring and give the best advice. My family are my rock, Scott and the rest unconditionally love me and will be there for me if and when I need them. And God is my everything, He is THE One! I just have to remember that my strength isn't me, it is within me. My family, friends and God are IN me and I have to draw from that not from self.



I really appreciate all the emails and calls during this time, it has meant a lot to know that I am thought of :)

Ever feel...

Like you just can't take one more thing? I know that everyone has issues...but lately I swear I have more issues than Time Magazine! Infertility, family, wreck...ohh goodness I could go on and on. Sometimes I have to wonder what I have done to warrant all these things that are soooo difficult in my life. Some days I can just look up and really believe that God won't give me too much, that He knows my limits...but today, I am feeling like my cup is over flowing...and not the cup of blessings. All of these difficulties make the blessings harder and harder to recognize.

Just please say a prayer for me tonight, my heart, mind, body and spirit feels so weary. Scott thinks that this surgery will really make me feel better and if I don't have to deal with all the pain that the rest might not seem so bad. I hope he is right. I have been praying, but things seem to be spiralling and it is like He isn't hearing my prayers....I know I am being dramatic, but every day something else gets piled on.

Stressful weekend

We spent all day Saturday and Sunday looking for a car. I hated looking for our first one, but this one is even worse. First, we LOVED the car we had...so our bar is set pretty high. Second, we have a deadline really and we can't do much until Geico gets their gecko in gear and sends us the check. But, last...is pushing through the pain! Riding in a car is so painful already...but getting in and out of cars, riding for close to 14 hours straight has been excruciating. By the end of the night Saturday I was in tears, Scott was hurting so bad as well. Just to wake up groggy Sunday morning (from pain medications that were necessary to take to sleep the night before) and do it all again.

Saturday we were chased by several sales men, one in a golf cart. That really turned me off, Scott too. I mean...we were still in our car and were being chased! So, we thought if we go out on a Sunday afternoon no one will be open and we can 'look'. Plus it was pouring the rain, lots of lightening so we thought we were safe. Umm, NOPE! We pull into this dealership and as we pull in we see a guy jet out in his yellow golf shirt, we thought maybe he was just running to his car. Surely they wouldn't be open on a Sunday and even more...surely he wouldn't be running out in the rain. Running, YES running...he was as big as Scott and we got tickled...every time Scott would slow down he would run harder like he was catching up. We drove maybe the length of a football field and turned the corner to go down an aisle and there he was, red faced, dripping of rain waving at us. Then we thought maybe something was wrong, so Scott rolled the window down and he started his spiel. Scott rolled the window back up mid pitch and we drove away.

We think we found a couple to chose from, waiting now for the check to come. SIGH.

I honestly don't know how much longer I can handle this pain, I thought I could just deal until the surgery but after the weekend...hurting soo much, my days are consisting of waking up in pain, dreading that first step on the floor, walking around my house in pain pain pain, then taking a pain pill to go to bed. I don't want to see people, talk to anyone...just want to get to the 25th and get it over, that surgery has to work...I have to feel better. I can't live like this. UGH

July 25th

That is the date of my surgery. I have to go on the 23rd for pre op. I am nervous, but hopeful that this will be my cure all. I have faith in my doctor, he has such a great personality and seems very smart. He seems very concerned and feels he can really help me. I hope so, I pray so.

There has been so much going on lately, my life has been crazy. I think about why these things have happened. I wonder if God is testing us, if me starting to sing has ticked the devil right off and he is making things around me hectic. I have no clue about the why's. But...I do know God will take care of me...of us. He has a reason for everything and I have to cling to that.

I do know all my prayers about my family are being heard. I can feel my relationship with some family getting back to normal. Maybe better than normal...smiles.

Funny how I can accept things...to most would seem worse than infertility, but that is the one thing that until I am face to face with my God...I probably won't understand.

Dear Precious Lord, please forgive me for any shadows of doubt that has entered my mind and heart, forgive me for anything that might hinder my prayers. You are faithful to take care of me. Please be with my family as this turmoil continues, grant peace to each of them and let them see Your power to make things right. Jesus, be with Ellen as she works hard to take care of her bills, please give her a job close to her family so we can share our lives. If it be Your will dear Lord, please let a good Christian man come into her life and be the one she will share it with until You come to take us all home. Precious Saviour please touch Scott's back, let it be something they can fix with medications or therapy. Help us find the right car for us, help the insurance adjusters expedite all the paperwork so this ordeal is put behind us. Be with the doctors as they decide how best to take care of my back and other health issues. Ohhh sweet Jesus, please be with Leslie as she begins this new pregnancy, let it be a girl...she needs a girl Lord. Ease her morning sickness and give her that peace that everything will be fine. Make a way for us to get together soon, I need her...You gave her to me as a forever friend, one I can be myself with fully. Take care of Burt and Colin as well. Be with all my friends on FC, Clark has been sick Lord, touch his sweet ears. Robyn has been in the throws of buying a house, and also preparing for another IVF. Michelle, her and Jared are expecting really soon, You blessed them with this baby, make the delivery easy and the baby healthy. Shannon has been dealing with a lot lately, please let things settle down for her. Be with all the girls there, they deserve Your blessings Lord. Let them all know they can lean on You, let them see You through me Jesus. Grant Kari's desire to become a mother again, she is so faithful Lord, she loves You with all her heart and knows it is Your will that has to be done and in Your time. Be with Lily as she teethes again, give Misti and Brady all they need to comfort her and ease her pain. Lastly Lord, keep touching my sweet Mom, touch her lungs and let her get off the oxygen. Take care of Dad too, he is worried so much about mom. Dear Lord, I know I have asked for so much here tonight, but I know You can do it all and more. Thank You for all the blessings you have given to me, be with us dear Lord, strengthen us so we can better serve You. I ask all of this in Your precious Name....Amen

Ello...Mam, your car is totaled.. :(

Well, finally we have gotten some news about our car...and as the title of this post explains...it is totaled. SIGH. I hoped it would be really, I didn't want a nearly totaled car fixed up. But, it still is sad...we loved that car! Here are some pics:

My car...so pretty, before the wreckage...ugh, I loved my car!!!

So the adjuster called and told us it was totalled. It was in pristine shape before the wreck, and had a lot of options, so we have equity in it THANK YOU LORD! Means we have money for a down payment at least. We basically are breaking even. We are getting enough to pay off the loan and basically make the same down payment we made to begin with.

Still waiting to find out when my surgery is. I have called to tell them that I haven't heard anything...grr.

Back Surgery...approaches!

Yesterday I went to see Dr. Maxi, he was very nice and very concerned. He looked at the MRI and he showed me what is causing my pain and numbness and pins and needles. He tested my leg strength, was concerned with how weak my toes and foot and leg is. He suggested SURGERY EEEEK. But, I sorta expected it...my other back doctor wanted to do it but I put it off.

So here I am, waiting for the girl to call me back with some info. It will either be next Friday or the following Monday. He put ASAP on the order, so I knew it would be within the next 2 weeks. She called and asked me my preference and said she would call me back after lunch with the details.

I am nervous, but more anxious to get this pain gone. He said that 90ish % of patients pain will be gone, he is worried about how long I have let this go. That the nerve damage may be permanent. That scares me, I can't deal with this for the rest of my life...ugh.