Is the day! I am so nervous already...I can't imagine how bad it is going to be tonight just before I get up there. And...Wednesday night usually isn't soooo bad. Most of the adults are helping with AWANA with the children so there is usually less than 70 or so in the sanctuary...not so bad huh???? Well, Last week was the last week for AWANA...so guess where the adults are going to be????????????????? SO that # is going to close to double!
To make matters worse...my brother is coming into town tonight. Hopefully not in time for church, but more than likely YES and he has such a wonderful voice. He sings ALL the time, but not gospel music...he is a country/blue grass singer. But, when he does sing a gospel song it just blows me away!
I haven't seen Johnny in a long time. I don't think I even got to see him when we went home for Christmas. I miss him a lot. Out of all of my brothers, I felt the closest to him. But now that I am in Myrtle Beach, we haven't kept in touch like I would like. I try to call but he is so busy with his job and with Susie and life...I understand why he can't call me sometimes.
Oooo please say a prayer for me today!!
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Prayers Answered!
At the end of nearly every service, our pastor asks for a show of hands for unspoken prayer requests. A few Sunday's during altar call, Scott and I went forward to pray. Though our baby journey is always near the top of the list...Scott's brother Chris has been weighing so heavy on our hearts that he has been the subject of many of those prayers. I have sat and watched Scott weep ... SOB even over things concerning Chris. Scott loves his brother so much, it really is a beautiful thing. Scott and Chris have talked about a business together and Scott has been worried about partnering with anyone that is not walking with Christ.
We invited Chris to live with us a few months ago and when we moved into the house, he took us up on the invitation. Chris was in a bad place in his life. Him and Amanda had separated about this time last year I guess, the kids went with her. This divided some of their friendships and I am sure Chris felt alone. There were so many things said by people about why they separated and who was at fault. I am not going in depth about them, but most left me with a not so happy feeling with either of them. All I could think about were the babies. But, the kids are so loved by both Amanda and Chris that they handled it better than the rest of us. I never spoke to Amanda about any of the things said to me, and as an after thought.... I should have probably. I never wanted Chris to marry her if they weren't in love with each other and I was starting to doubt it, but really believed they did. But, marriage based on kids or obligation or anything other than love and trust and commitment to each other is more than likely going to end very ugly.
Even though Scott and I knew that his parents would blame Scott and I for taking Chris away from them, we just wanted what was best for Chris. All of the people we are around are Christians and I hoped that this influence would be what Chris would need. One of the rules was that Chris would go to church with us. But, Chris likes church I think. I watch him during the services and he drinks it in. He loves prophecy and we have a lot of that in our church. We just really felt that Chris needed a change of environments. I hate that Scott felt in the middle, he really did get scolded by his mother.
Sooo... It has been over a month now since Chris has came to live with us and I can see such a change in him. He got a job the first week at a printing company doing what he did when he worked with his dad. He goes to church with us regularly and hangs out with people from church playing golf and such.
But, I really was worried for a bit. He was chatting online with some girls...one in particular (and I know some people really do find their soul mates there), and he was getting in deep I think. I had a horrible feeling about it from the first day he told me a little about her. But, I knew he was hurting...I knew he loved and STILL loved Amanda. He was trying to fill the emptiness he was feeling from losing her. This one girl, I just knew she wasn't who she said she was. There was too many bizarre things that happened to one person. And every time she was supposed to meet Chris, she would disappear for a few days then come back with this outrageous story.
Well, last weekend (Memorial day weekend) Chris went home to see the kids and family. He called us a lot and told us that Amanda cried every time they saw each other. Even before he told us this, Scott and I had talked about inviting Amanda and the babies down while she wasn't working so that the kids could see us and Chris. Then last Tuesday, Chris calls me at work. He said... what would you think about Amanda coming to visit and maybe them working on things. I was dumbstruck a little at first. I told him, I thought that would be awesome and that if that was something they really wanted then I would be behind them all the way. All I wanted is for Chris to be happy. I told him that this wouldn't work though if they can't TOTALLY forgive each other for things each of them have done to hurt the other, and not throw things up into each others faces. Also, if God wasn't in this it will never work. If they want to make this a family again, they had to make a commitment to each other instead of just living together. I told him we would talk later when we got home, but if he wanted to let her know it was ok that was fine. When we got home we talked a while. He said he does still love her, he never stopped he was just stupid and confused and hurting. I told him to really pray about it and he said he had been. :) He said it just felt right.
So, he talked to her and they came to Myrtle Beach on Friday night. Chirsten and Caleb were soooooooooo cute, I hadn't realized how much I missed them until they hugged my neck. Amanda looked great too, she has lost all the baby weight now and just looked so pretty. I didn't know how things would be. Christmas the conversation was very minimal between us, I just didn't know how to act then. So, I just acted normal. (YES, I CAN BE NORMAL!) We grilled out and just spent the evening with the kids laughing and having a good time. The whole weekend went great. We all went to church on Sunday morning and then out to the mall for lunch. Chris and Amanda and the kids went to walk around the mall and later I found out they actually looked at rings!!
Sunday night, Scott, Chris and I went to church and it was a great message about the Garden of Eden and the invitation centered on living our lives for Christ and doing things we were supposed to do and turning from Satan. I could hear Chris sniffling a little then I felt his hand wrap around mine. We were all standing and I turned and hugged him and realized all those prayers Scott and I prayed for him were being answered, we both cried. And when he asked for unspoken prayer requests, I realized I could move Chris down a little and pray for his family. HIS family...that sounds good. They have been broken for so long, only God could mend this and He is. I heard them tell each other they loved the other. I am so happy for Chris. He is such a wonderful boy...ok Man now and he has such potential. He has fathered two beautiful babies and is so good with them. He loves so deeply, and he is a hugger, he loves to laugh, he has a beautiful smile and dimples. I had forgotten some of these things over the last few years. I think some of them had been muted by some choices he was making. I wonder sometimes why God led us to move to Myrtle Beach. And if His grand plan was to help us help Chris in any small way to better his life I hope we are doing what He wants! I do know the move here has made our walk with our Lord deeper, more intense, more evident in things we do and say.
Well, to cap off this entry... Amanda and Chris are officially going to try to get back together. They had a great weekend, she is going back to NC today to get Chirsten back for gymnastics. But... and this is the kicker... She is going to talk to their realtor friend and list the house and hopefully move her and the babies here soon.
When John and Lena hear this, I am sure that it is going to be very hard for them. Their lives have been completely about the babies. But, maybe this will give them sometime to be together as a couple and not as parents and not as grandparents. But, my biggest fear is that they will blame Scott...and me for taking them away from them. I hope it doesn't come to that. I hope they see that bringing the family unit back together with Christ in the middle can be the best thing for Chris and Amanda and those precious children.
Scott and I have felt disconnected from John and Lena for a while now and I hope that all of this doesn't make it worse. Time will tell. All we can do is turn it over to God and let go. All I know is, Chris has been the happiest I had seen him in a long time since he has been here. And then, when Amanda and the kids got here...you can multiply that by 100!
Sooo I guess we will have a full house! My parents are coming this weekend...well, that is the plan!! It has been in the works for over a month now! So when Amanda and the kids come I am not sure how we will work it out but we will. Only thing that keeps me worried....is they are not married and I have my own convictions about them sleeping together in my house. Especially with my parents there. My daddy said he would marry them! ha ha. I am just so happy for them both! I just want what is best for them both....I love them and those children so much.
WOW I had a lot to say huh?
We invited Chris to live with us a few months ago and when we moved into the house, he took us up on the invitation. Chris was in a bad place in his life. Him and Amanda had separated about this time last year I guess, the kids went with her. This divided some of their friendships and I am sure Chris felt alone. There were so many things said by people about why they separated and who was at fault. I am not going in depth about them, but most left me with a not so happy feeling with either of them. All I could think about were the babies. But, the kids are so loved by both Amanda and Chris that they handled it better than the rest of us. I never spoke to Amanda about any of the things said to me, and as an after thought.... I should have probably. I never wanted Chris to marry her if they weren't in love with each other and I was starting to doubt it, but really believed they did. But, marriage based on kids or obligation or anything other than love and trust and commitment to each other is more than likely going to end very ugly.
Even though Scott and I knew that his parents would blame Scott and I for taking Chris away from them, we just wanted what was best for Chris. All of the people we are around are Christians and I hoped that this influence would be what Chris would need. One of the rules was that Chris would go to church with us. But, Chris likes church I think. I watch him during the services and he drinks it in. He loves prophecy and we have a lot of that in our church. We just really felt that Chris needed a change of environments. I hate that Scott felt in the middle, he really did get scolded by his mother.
Sooo... It has been over a month now since Chris has came to live with us and I can see such a change in him. He got a job the first week at a printing company doing what he did when he worked with his dad. He goes to church with us regularly and hangs out with people from church playing golf and such.
But, I really was worried for a bit. He was chatting online with some girls...one in particular (and I know some people really do find their soul mates there), and he was getting in deep I think. I had a horrible feeling about it from the first day he told me a little about her. But, I knew he was hurting...I knew he loved and STILL loved Amanda. He was trying to fill the emptiness he was feeling from losing her. This one girl, I just knew she wasn't who she said she was. There was too many bizarre things that happened to one person. And every time she was supposed to meet Chris, she would disappear for a few days then come back with this outrageous story.
Well, last weekend (Memorial day weekend) Chris went home to see the kids and family. He called us a lot and told us that Amanda cried every time they saw each other. Even before he told us this, Scott and I had talked about inviting Amanda and the babies down while she wasn't working so that the kids could see us and Chris. Then last Tuesday, Chris calls me at work. He said... what would you think about Amanda coming to visit and maybe them working on things. I was dumbstruck a little at first. I told him, I thought that would be awesome and that if that was something they really wanted then I would be behind them all the way. All I wanted is for Chris to be happy. I told him that this wouldn't work though if they can't TOTALLY forgive each other for things each of them have done to hurt the other, and not throw things up into each others faces. Also, if God wasn't in this it will never work. If they want to make this a family again, they had to make a commitment to each other instead of just living together. I told him we would talk later when we got home, but if he wanted to let her know it was ok that was fine. When we got home we talked a while. He said he does still love her, he never stopped he was just stupid and confused and hurting. I told him to really pray about it and he said he had been. :) He said it just felt right.
So, he talked to her and they came to Myrtle Beach on Friday night. Chirsten and Caleb were soooooooooo cute, I hadn't realized how much I missed them until they hugged my neck. Amanda looked great too, she has lost all the baby weight now and just looked so pretty. I didn't know how things would be. Christmas the conversation was very minimal between us, I just didn't know how to act then. So, I just acted normal. (YES, I CAN BE NORMAL!) We grilled out and just spent the evening with the kids laughing and having a good time. The whole weekend went great. We all went to church on Sunday morning and then out to the mall for lunch. Chris and Amanda and the kids went to walk around the mall and later I found out they actually looked at rings!!
Sunday night, Scott, Chris and I went to church and it was a great message about the Garden of Eden and the invitation centered on living our lives for Christ and doing things we were supposed to do and turning from Satan. I could hear Chris sniffling a little then I felt his hand wrap around mine. We were all standing and I turned and hugged him and realized all those prayers Scott and I prayed for him were being answered, we both cried. And when he asked for unspoken prayer requests, I realized I could move Chris down a little and pray for his family. HIS family...that sounds good. They have been broken for so long, only God could mend this and He is. I heard them tell each other they loved the other. I am so happy for Chris. He is such a wonderful boy...ok Man now and he has such potential. He has fathered two beautiful babies and is so good with them. He loves so deeply, and he is a hugger, he loves to laugh, he has a beautiful smile and dimples. I had forgotten some of these things over the last few years. I think some of them had been muted by some choices he was making. I wonder sometimes why God led us to move to Myrtle Beach. And if His grand plan was to help us help Chris in any small way to better his life I hope we are doing what He wants! I do know the move here has made our walk with our Lord deeper, more intense, more evident in things we do and say.
Well, to cap off this entry... Amanda and Chris are officially going to try to get back together. They had a great weekend, she is going back to NC today to get Chirsten back for gymnastics. But... and this is the kicker... She is going to talk to their realtor friend and list the house and hopefully move her and the babies here soon.
When John and Lena hear this, I am sure that it is going to be very hard for them. Their lives have been completely about the babies. But, maybe this will give them sometime to be together as a couple and not as parents and not as grandparents. But, my biggest fear is that they will blame Scott...and me for taking them away from them. I hope it doesn't come to that. I hope they see that bringing the family unit back together with Christ in the middle can be the best thing for Chris and Amanda and those precious children.
Scott and I have felt disconnected from John and Lena for a while now and I hope that all of this doesn't make it worse. Time will tell. All we can do is turn it over to God and let go. All I know is, Chris has been the happiest I had seen him in a long time since he has been here. And then, when Amanda and the kids got here...you can multiply that by 100!
Sooo I guess we will have a full house! My parents are coming this weekend...well, that is the plan!! It has been in the works for over a month now! So when Amanda and the kids come I am not sure how we will work it out but we will. Only thing that keeps me worried....is they are not married and I have my own convictions about them sleeping together in my house. Especially with my parents there. My daddy said he would marry them! ha ha. I am just so happy for them both! I just want what is best for them both....I love them and those children so much.
WOW I had a lot to say huh?
Thursday, May 25, 2006
You just never know...
I work in an office seperate from the hospital. I have my own space, but there are others that work out front and such. There is a very nice black guy that works here. We talk sometimes, he always has the best smile and always says good morning. He has a lovely wife.
Today, Dee...my friend from the lab came by to say hi. She and I were talking and Nate walked in. He talked to Dee a minute, saying hi to me as well. I took a call while they were talking...and I heard him say something about my music. I always have some gospel music playing. I heard him tell Dee that when he needs a breath, he comes and stands by my door and just listens. He said he doesn't let me know he is there, but he appreciates the music I play. How awesome is that???
What if I had been listening to country or pop or whatever... I wouldn't have been a blessing to him I am sure. Made my day I tell ya!!
Let's go cook dinner...friends coming over.... I love friends coming over. AND YES that means you BURT!
Today, Dee...my friend from the lab came by to say hi. She and I were talking and Nate walked in. He talked to Dee a minute, saying hi to me as well. I took a call while they were talking...and I heard him say something about my music. I always have some gospel music playing. I heard him tell Dee that when he needs a breath, he comes and stands by my door and just listens. He said he doesn't let me know he is there, but he appreciates the music I play. How awesome is that???
What if I had been listening to country or pop or whatever... I wouldn't have been a blessing to him I am sure. Made my day I tell ya!!
Let's go cook dinner...friends coming over.... I love friends coming over. AND YES that means you BURT!
Back to work!
Well, I am sitting here at work...not getting much done. My period is due this weekend and all I can think about is .. is this the month. I hadn't obsessed at all until today...and now that is all I can think about. And I have these pictures of Lily on my desk and I can get lost in them. I can't wait for a visit. I want to test so badly....but, I don't want to ruin the weekend with a big ole negatory!
I went with Leslie to meet her parents before their big trip to St. Barths. They are so nice, and they make a wonderful couple. You know how sometimes you can look at people and wonder what on earth attracts them to each other...they are so different. But, you can look at them and they just 'fit'. Her dad said the sweetest thing. Leslie and her mom were walking around with Colin and Devin her nephew....and he said..."Leslie is such a good mom". Then he told me a little about how Burt and her helped raise Devin and that they did such a good job with him too. Mothers say things like that, but for it to come from your daddy...I thought it was special enough to tell Leslie. We got home and watched American Idol...YES, I watch it...and was so glad Taylor won.
Well, I got ambushed and received a call from Doug, our church music director. He informed me that I WILL be singing...and just wouldn't take my excuses not to. He has an amazing voice and has no reason to be nervous. I on the other hand just had a wave of nausea just thinking about it. I don't know how I will be able to get up there. *SHIVER* It is all BURT's fault, and I will get him back!!! Burt gets right up there too...he isn't at all nervous. I wonder if I can get sick on Wednesday morning????
Well, I am leaving early from work for Therapy...PHYSICAL, not mental..ha ha! Sooo I had best get back to work and get some things done.
Ohh...and the song I am supposedly singing is 'Child of God' by the Hoppers.
Child of God, do not be afraid
Child of God, trust and obey
He will walk with you in the way
Child of God, do not be afraid.
Lost and wandering in a world of sin
Why would God ever let me in
A cry rang out from Calvary's blood-stained hill
"Child I love you, and I always will".
Time will pass, and eyes will start to fail
Tired and weary, life becomes so frail
But I'll not make this final walk alone
The Lord will Lead me to my heavenly home.
Child of God, do not be afraid
Child of God, trust and obey
He will walk with you in the way
Child of God, do not be afraid.
Hold to God's unchanging hand
Hold to God's unchanging hand
Build your Hope's on things eternal
Child of God, do not be afraid.
I hope I do it justice, and not fall, trip, yawn, sneeze, cough, spit, pass out, forget, cry, laugh, poot, throw up...annnything weird! I just got to remember to do it for Jesus!
I went with Leslie to meet her parents before their big trip to St. Barths. They are so nice, and they make a wonderful couple. You know how sometimes you can look at people and wonder what on earth attracts them to each other...they are so different. But, you can look at them and they just 'fit'. Her dad said the sweetest thing. Leslie and her mom were walking around with Colin and Devin her nephew....and he said..."Leslie is such a good mom". Then he told me a little about how Burt and her helped raise Devin and that they did such a good job with him too. Mothers say things like that, but for it to come from your daddy...I thought it was special enough to tell Leslie. We got home and watched American Idol...YES, I watch it...and was so glad Taylor won.
Well, I got ambushed and received a call from Doug, our church music director. He informed me that I WILL be singing...and just wouldn't take my excuses not to. He has an amazing voice and has no reason to be nervous. I on the other hand just had a wave of nausea just thinking about it. I don't know how I will be able to get up there. *SHIVER* It is all BURT's fault, and I will get him back!!! Burt gets right up there too...he isn't at all nervous. I wonder if I can get sick on Wednesday morning????
Well, I am leaving early from work for Therapy...PHYSICAL, not mental..ha ha! Sooo I had best get back to work and get some things done.
Ohh...and the song I am supposedly singing is 'Child of God' by the Hoppers.
Child of God, do not be afraid
Child of God, trust and obey
He will walk with you in the way
Child of God, do not be afraid.
Lost and wandering in a world of sin
Why would God ever let me in
A cry rang out from Calvary's blood-stained hill
"Child I love you, and I always will".
Time will pass, and eyes will start to fail
Tired and weary, life becomes so frail
But I'll not make this final walk alone
The Lord will Lead me to my heavenly home.
Child of God, do not be afraid
Child of God, trust and obey
He will walk with you in the way
Child of God, do not be afraid.
Hold to God's unchanging hand
Hold to God's unchanging hand
Build your Hope's on things eternal
Child of God, do not be afraid.
I hope I do it justice, and not fall, trip, yawn, sneeze, cough, spit, pass out, forget, cry, laugh, poot, throw up...annnything weird! I just got to remember to do it for Jesus!
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Ohh...and progress...
As you know, I have ...HAD 50 pounds to lose before we do the first IUI. Well, I finally found the scales and weighed....and...drum roll please...
I have lost 17 pounds!! I am so excited. I guess with my back and such we haven't been eating out as much and that is my biggest down fall! Sooo...33 to go!! If Scott gets this job, we are going to see if we can do the IUI sooner, his insurance will end if he takes this job. And his new insurance doesn't cover infertility, and treatments are sooooo expensive. Why can't I just have a baby on my own.....don't get me started!
Later
I have lost 17 pounds!! I am so excited. I guess with my back and such we haven't been eating out as much and that is my biggest down fall! Sooo...33 to go!! If Scott gets this job, we are going to see if we can do the IUI sooner, his insurance will end if he takes this job. And his new insurance doesn't cover infertility, and treatments are sooooo expensive. Why can't I just have a baby on my own.....don't get me started!
Later
Results are in...
The MRI showed 2 bulging discs and some arthritis and that those two discs have lost most of the fluid from inside. Oh yay. BUT, he thinks we can make things better with therapy and minimal medications. So, I started therapy yesterday...it was ok, hurt a lot. She said the first one would, they test my limits and such. I go back in the morning. THEN...I get to go back to work on Monday...I am so ready, I have actually missed my job and my patients.
We went to church last night, there were some missionaries there from Mexico...it was awesome to see what they do there. Before we went to church, we went to eat at Beef O'Bradys...one of our favorite places to eat. We met Burt, Leslie, Colin and Leslie's mom there. UNFORTUNATELY, I had to sit across from Burt without Leslie for a while...and we all know how Burt drives me crazy!! He thinks he is funny, but he isn't. He is lucky I love his wife so much...and his baby or I just wouldn't put up with him
HA HA!! OK....I do like Burt a little.... I mean it does say in the Bible...Love thy neighbor...
Let's Unpack!!
Hope
Monday, May 15, 2006
Scott....
is at an interview right now!! He loves his job, hates the drive and the lack of appreciation verbally and financially he receives. There were promises made when he took the job, that have failed to be realized. Scott is not one to push things, so instead he sits back and waits. He has gotten tired of waiting, mainly because he sees them spending big money elsewhere, and him and his co-workers get like a 2% raise.
He applied for this job months ago. He heard from them, then nothing. THEN, Friday they called and wanted to see him today. Sooo I got him all dressed up, and he is there right now....Really he should be calling me soon saying it is over and what his thoughts are. He looked so handsome...hmm, see if I can post a picture!
aww so handsome! Well, he is on the phone and it went well he thinks. I guess we will see.
He applied for this job months ago. He heard from them, then nothing. THEN, Friday they called and wanted to see him today. Sooo I got him all dressed up, and he is there right now....Really he should be calling me soon saying it is over and what his thoughts are. He looked so handsome...hmm, see if I can post a picture!
aww so handsome! Well, he is on the phone and it went well he thinks. I guess we will see.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Mother's Day..
This is a very difficult day to experience every year that I am not a mother. I typically never make it through the church service. Probably 95% of the mother's day services I have been to were preached by my daddy. It is hard to hear him preach about the precious gift of motherhood, how it is a blessing and to know that for some reason God hasn't given me that gift or blessing. It isn't him (dad) it is just hard to deal with. But today, I made it through. It was a very different mother's day sermon than I usually hear. He started out with a story about an 11 year old in Great Brittain that is pregnant with her proud mother standing beside her. She had gotten pregnant during a drinking party by a 15 year old. I had read the story yesterday and was appauled to say the least. He really stressed how mother's impact our lives. How we reap what we sow.
It did get a little difficult when they started giving out gifts to the mothers. I remember how mom would win for the most children at church! Over the years, we let her down at that. That is a regret, and today, I wish I could have been with her. I wonder if any of her children were at church.
We came home and went across the street to our friends for lunch. I got there and Leslie came out with a gift for me from Colin. *smiles* I did shed a few tears. It was a beautiful plaque and a card...and some of the CUTEST pictures. It said to Mommy Hope. *sniffles* While Leslie and Burt cooked I got to rock him to sleep. He is such a good baby. He is so sweeeeeet.
It was difficult when we were quite in his nursery, him laying in my arms asleep...I couldn't help but cry and wonder WHY?? God's timing I know, and I will have a baby.... I could be pregnant right now! If it is God's will! But, with my back, I doubt it...plus I have been taking meds and having xrays.
I am so blessed, I shouldn't ask for more, sometimes I can't imagine my life fuller...but my empty arms...make me want a baby every day.
I found this poem...
A Talk With My Unborn Child
a poem by Amy Borens
These arms of mine are still empty,
It's been far too many years.
I can hardly keep them hidden,
The heartache and the tears.
I am waiting for you, sweet angel
To bless my life, my heart, my soul.
I think I've been a good wife,
Now I want so much a mother's role.
My life doesn't seem complete.
You are not there to hold.
A big piece of my life is missing,
Your destiny is yet untold.
I see you in my dreams, baby.
Ten little fingers and toes.
You have your Daddy's blue eyes,
And your Mommy's ears and nose.
When my eyes are closed I think,
Will your room be pink or blue?
And how much of my life will pass
Before all my dreams come true?
Will I ever know the joy
Of rocking you at night?
Telling bedtime stories
And tucking you in tight?
Will I ever be able to comfort you
When you fall and scrape your knee?
To kiss and make it better
At the tender age of three?
Can I watch you graduate
And drive you to the mall?
Your dad could take you fishing
And teach you to play ball.
Will you make me a gradma
When I am old and gray?
Looking back at my life,
I would be blessed in every way.
So why have I been left behind
When I have so much to give?
I would gladly show you the whole world
If you could only come to live.
Will my turn ever come?
I search my anguished mind.
But questions without answers
Is all I seem to find.
I go home every night
And fight the tightness in my chest.
The silence is so deafening
In my big empty nest.
God has a plan for me
And I shouldn't have such fear.
But why you can't be in my life
He hasn't made quite clear.
I pray for you llittle one
Everyday, can you hear?
So tell God we are ready
To hold you forever dear.
You would never go without.
We would shower you with love.
My little piece of heaven
Sent from up above.
*sniffles*
Happy Mother's Day!
Misti, if you read this....Happy first Mother's Day. I remember last year when I bought you the card when you were pregnant, I am sure today has been so special for you. I will try to call you tonight. I love you and am so proud of you!!!
It did get a little difficult when they started giving out gifts to the mothers. I remember how mom would win for the most children at church! Over the years, we let her down at that. That is a regret, and today, I wish I could have been with her. I wonder if any of her children were at church.
We came home and went across the street to our friends for lunch. I got there and Leslie came out with a gift for me from Colin. *smiles* I did shed a few tears. It was a beautiful plaque and a card...and some of the CUTEST pictures. It said to Mommy Hope. *sniffles* While Leslie and Burt cooked I got to rock him to sleep. He is such a good baby. He is so sweeeeeet.
It was difficult when we were quite in his nursery, him laying in my arms asleep...I couldn't help but cry and wonder WHY?? God's timing I know, and I will have a baby.... I could be pregnant right now! If it is God's will! But, with my back, I doubt it...plus I have been taking meds and having xrays.
I am so blessed, I shouldn't ask for more, sometimes I can't imagine my life fuller...but my empty arms...make me want a baby every day.
I found this poem...
A Talk With My Unborn Child
a poem by Amy Borens
These arms of mine are still empty,
It's been far too many years.
I can hardly keep them hidden,
The heartache and the tears.
I am waiting for you, sweet angel
To bless my life, my heart, my soul.
I think I've been a good wife,
Now I want so much a mother's role.
My life doesn't seem complete.
You are not there to hold.
A big piece of my life is missing,
Your destiny is yet untold.
I see you in my dreams, baby.
Ten little fingers and toes.
You have your Daddy's blue eyes,
And your Mommy's ears and nose.
When my eyes are closed I think,
Will your room be pink or blue?
And how much of my life will pass
Before all my dreams come true?
Will I ever know the joy
Of rocking you at night?
Telling bedtime stories
And tucking you in tight?
Will I ever be able to comfort you
When you fall and scrape your knee?
To kiss and make it better
At the tender age of three?
Can I watch you graduate
And drive you to the mall?
Your dad could take you fishing
And teach you to play ball.
Will you make me a gradma
When I am old and gray?
Looking back at my life,
I would be blessed in every way.
So why have I been left behind
When I have so much to give?
I would gladly show you the whole world
If you could only come to live.
Will my turn ever come?
I search my anguished mind.
But questions without answers
Is all I seem to find.
I go home every night
And fight the tightness in my chest.
The silence is so deafening
In my big empty nest.
God has a plan for me
And I shouldn't have such fear.
But why you can't be in my life
He hasn't made quite clear.
I pray for you llittle one
Everyday, can you hear?
So tell God we are ready
To hold you forever dear.
You would never go without.
We would shower you with love.
My little piece of heaven
Sent from up above.
*sniffles*
Happy Mother's Day!
Misti, if you read this....Happy first Mother's Day. I remember last year when I bought you the card when you were pregnant, I am sure today has been so special for you. I will try to call you tonight. I love you and am so proud of you!!!
Friday, May 12, 2006
The move....and my back!
Well, I am not sure if I posted that we were moving into our new house....God blessed us so much...it is right across the street from our Best friends from church...
I will post some pictures later. It is 3 bedrooms, 2 baths with a nice kitchen living room and garage. But...things are still in boxes, because I have hurt my back...
During the move, I have hurt my back. I went into work that monday after the move and couldn't handle it. I went straight to the doctor. She said she thought it was muscle spasms along with a strained lower back and muscles. She said she could see the muscles spasming under the skin. I didn't think muscles could hurt so badly, but...I was miserable. She gave me drugs and some instructions and I went home. I was supposed to lay on the floor on my back for 30 minutes at a time several times throughout the day. Well, that just made it hurt worse. I did do the heat and cold and meds, and still tried the laying on the floor. By Wednesday, it was worse. I was supposed to return to work on Thursday...but there was no way. I called her and she said to give it til Monday and if no better, call her. I continued the meds and tried some stretches and such. I had paid for and signed up for a ladies retreat in Charleston. I called to tell them I wasn't going, but they talked me into it. They promised they would make me comfortable and I didn't have to do any of the activities. So, I went. I was miserable. I attempted to walk out to the beach and sit in the sun...but, I got out there for 5 minutes and tearfully walked back to the room and took a pain pill and rested for 4 hours. BUT, I enjoyed the devotions and speakers and such, and it was something I needed to hear. I was feeling so inadequate at church, I just don't do enough. I turn things over to God, but I take them back all the time. The theme was walking with God, and what kind of shoes I am. It was wonderful!! BUT, Monday came and I didn't call the doctor...I went to her office. She sent me straight to an orthopedic doctor and then he set up physical therapy and an MRI. I had the MRI yesterday and will get the results on Monday. He is concerned that I have a disc problem, I have pain going down each leg and numbness in my feet. I had to have an MRI when I was diagnosed with migraines, and I don't remember it being so bad. But laying down on that hard table and squeezing in that tube was miserable. She had to pull me out because I couldn't stand the pain. But I did finish it.
There is a sea of boxes in the garage that I can't unpack until I am better. If I let Scott do it...I would have panties in the kitchen and forks in the closet!Mother's day is here, it is the hardest day of the year for me. I hope next week I will know what is wrong and it will be fixed and I cant get back into the swing of things!
Chris is living with us, and though I was concerned how it would be...it has been great. He is so helpful and he even cooks!!! He has been going to church with us, and I really hope he finds some peace and his way back to God. He is even interested in attending the prophecy classes!!
I have to get out and get some cards to send out for Mother's Day, I hope I am not too late.....but late is better than NEVER! I just mailed out moms Easter card this week...lost it in the car and just found it!
I just hope this pain goes soon, I can't handle much more!!
I will post some pictures later. It is 3 bedrooms, 2 baths with a nice kitchen living room and garage. But...things are still in boxes, because I have hurt my back...
During the move, I have hurt my back. I went into work that monday after the move and couldn't handle it. I went straight to the doctor. She said she thought it was muscle spasms along with a strained lower back and muscles. She said she could see the muscles spasming under the skin. I didn't think muscles could hurt so badly, but...I was miserable. She gave me drugs and some instructions and I went home. I was supposed to lay on the floor on my back for 30 minutes at a time several times throughout the day. Well, that just made it hurt worse. I did do the heat and cold and meds, and still tried the laying on the floor. By Wednesday, it was worse. I was supposed to return to work on Thursday...but there was no way. I called her and she said to give it til Monday and if no better, call her. I continued the meds and tried some stretches and such. I had paid for and signed up for a ladies retreat in Charleston. I called to tell them I wasn't going, but they talked me into it. They promised they would make me comfortable and I didn't have to do any of the activities. So, I went. I was miserable. I attempted to walk out to the beach and sit in the sun...but, I got out there for 5 minutes and tearfully walked back to the room and took a pain pill and rested for 4 hours. BUT, I enjoyed the devotions and speakers and such, and it was something I needed to hear. I was feeling so inadequate at church, I just don't do enough. I turn things over to God, but I take them back all the time. The theme was walking with God, and what kind of shoes I am. It was wonderful!! BUT, Monday came and I didn't call the doctor...I went to her office. She sent me straight to an orthopedic doctor and then he set up physical therapy and an MRI. I had the MRI yesterday and will get the results on Monday. He is concerned that I have a disc problem, I have pain going down each leg and numbness in my feet. I had to have an MRI when I was diagnosed with migraines, and I don't remember it being so bad. But laying down on that hard table and squeezing in that tube was miserable. She had to pull me out because I couldn't stand the pain. But I did finish it.
There is a sea of boxes in the garage that I can't unpack until I am better. If I let Scott do it...I would have panties in the kitchen and forks in the closet!Mother's day is here, it is the hardest day of the year for me. I hope next week I will know what is wrong and it will be fixed and I cant get back into the swing of things!
Chris is living with us, and though I was concerned how it would be...it has been great. He is so helpful and he even cooks!!! He has been going to church with us, and I really hope he finds some peace and his way back to God. He is even interested in attending the prophecy classes!!
I have to get out and get some cards to send out for Mother's Day, I hope I am not too late.....but late is better than NEVER! I just mailed out moms Easter card this week...lost it in the car and just found it!
I just hope this pain goes soon, I can't handle much more!!
God's Blessings!
This is something I was going to post a few weeks ago. The move and my back has kept me from doing a lot!
This was something I posted in my journal on the 18th.
About 8 months ago, I was at work. I work for the lab, but not in the lab very much. There is an office separate from the hospital that I work in. I stayed late one evening and went over to the lab and a patient walked in. Typically there are at least 2 other people in there that can take the paperwork and draw the patient's blood. But I was it! I could see this lady was upset, she was teary eyed. Her lab order was for a beta HCG. It will tell how the baby is progressing by a number. If it is low, then it is probably miscarrying. I wasn't sure if she knew she was pregnant or what. I usually don't ask, as you know...I am sensitive to pregnancy. Well, my mouth opened and I just started talking. I asked her if she was to find out if she was pregnant. She said, "I am 8 weeks and went in for my ultrasound and exam and the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat or the baby." She sobbed and said "they told me my baby was dead and that I have to have this to see if I will need to have a D&C or if I passed it naturally or will soon." My heart broke, I could feel my throat tighten and my eyes well up. I walked her back to the chair and she grabbed my hand and said "My God is good though, if this is meant to be, it will be." I smiled and squeezed her hand and said He is good and we are going to pray that that baby is ok and God can make it so! I drew her blood through tears, and we held hands and prayed over that blood. The tech that was there to run it was a Christian friend of mine and she cried at the story as well, and prayed too. I walked back out and told her it would be about 30 minutes for the test to run but she could wait there. She asked for me to take her to the chapel so she could pray. I walked her around and left her there, and went back to take care of some things. My heart and mind was so heavy for her. I wondered if I encouraged her enough, did I make her feel worse by saying God has a plan, did I give her a higher expectation that things would be ok...when they might not. I went down a few hours later and checked with Dee. She almost shouted when she told me, her numbers were PERFECT! That baby was there and when she called the doctor with the labs he said he was calling the patient in for another ultrasound the next morning. That he was sure she was losing that baby. I waited a week, a little afraid to call her, the devil was making me doubt what God can do! I called her and said, hi, I know you probably don't remember me...I am the girl that drew your blood the other day. She stopped me cold...she said, "I do remember you...Hope, you gave me just that-HOPE, I will never forget you". She told me that the doctor began the ultrasound and immediately heard the strong thump, thump, thump of the baby’s heart. There was the baby on the screen, the same one that had been empty the day before. She told me the doctor said he couldn't explain it, she told him...it was a miracle, God did it. God gave her back her baby. He said it was a miracle, yes...the doctor said that! We talked a couple of minutes, crying and praising God for this miracle. Then she said the most amazing thing to me. "Hope, when I came in, I was questioning God, I was angry and didn't know how I would tell my husband." She said, "You gave me hope, you prayed with me, you made me feel ok with whatever God had in store." "If it is ok with you, if this baby is a girl, can I name her Hope?" I could barely speak with the lump in my throat. I was in such a valley of my own, and here...when I think I don't do anything for God, I did do something. I told her that that was the sweetest, most wonderful thing anyone has ever said to me. I would love for her to do that. We prayed again and said good bye.
Today, Dee calls me. She told me that the lady came by the lab on Saturday to show her something....a beautiful, healthy almost 8 pound new bouncing baby GIRL! Her name....Ashton Hope. I was so excited, I called the mother and she told me that she was bringing the baby to see me soon. So I can see my namesake! She said that she will never forget us praying her baby back into her belly. She said the doctor told her family before she left the hospital, that this was truly a miracle. Sooo, needless to say... I have been choked up all day. God put me there for her. I have no doubt. I never stay late, and if I do...I avoid the lab. God knew I needed to be there, that Dee needed to run that test. If it had been any of the lab girls that were working that night, they are not Christian and wouldn't have prayed like we did and wouldn't have been as blessed by the result like we all were. For it to have been me and Dee taking care of her...It was all God's doing! Since then, I try not to second guess doing something out of the ordinary.
I shared this story on the Fertility site I am a member of. Also, it seems so much easier to share my faith when I type. It has given me more strength to also share it face to face. I have had several patients lately tell me that they are so blessed by my spirit or by something I say. I thank God for allowing me finally to be able to really show what he means to me. I think back how my mom would embarass me so much when she would 'preach' to people. I hear her coming out of me every day!!
These are some comments I received lately at the Fertility site:
That is beautiful!! God used you to make a difference in the woman's life -awesome!
TTCinNC
That is such a beatiful story, Im sure she is so greatful that you were there for her. Its amazing how God will put you in the right place at the right time. This is an example of how amazing God works!
Stephanie
Hope I admire you so much for the strenght that you find in God! I love how you are not afraid to share your faith on this board, knowing that there are those here that do not believe. This story is such a testimony of how God works, and how he does answer prayer and how much he loves us! I praise God that you were there for this lady and her beautiful, healthy baby girl!
Hope, thanks for sharing that story. You are truely amazing. God is able & one day we will all have our prayers answered.
SweetDallas
Hope,That is such a beautiful and heart-warming story. God works in mysterious ways. I'm happy he answered this mothers prayers. Being kind to others in their time of need is truly selfless.Baby dust....
That is such a beautiful story Hope, thanks for posting it. That story brought tears to my eyes. I remember that same exact feeling the women you helped felt. I wish someone would have been there to help me in that situation. Instead I prayed and was let down. For the longest I blamed him for taking my baby, even though I know today He only did it because something was wrong and he has my baby with him now, looking down at me everyday. You are such a blessing, and have such a big heart
Smiller
What a true deciple you are! YOu have given us all such HOPE and you remind us of our faith. Thank you for that! May God continue to bless us all!
Michelle
Hope that was so beautiful thank you for sharing, miracles do happen and I am a true believer in them. There was definately a reason you were named Hope, because you truly share that with others!!
Robyn
Of all the stories and sharing we have on this thread, this one really got me and just couldn't stop crying. Last time I cried this hard was when DH & I were anxiously waiting to see the results of our HPT when we got our BFP a month ago. Thank you for being the christian person you are and for making a difference. I know GOD will reward you with your bfp very soon and when you least expect it. I believe in miracles and in all of God's blessings and masterplan for us. I had my 1st ultrasound last week but there is no heartbeat yet and need to wait till upcoming Monday, april 24 for my 2nd ultrasound and hope we can see the heartbeat then. Oh, how I wish you had drawn my blood! You are in my thoughts
Hope, Thanks for adding truth to this site. God is so real and miracles DO happen!! You have such a good heart! Thanks for sharing your special experience with us!!
This was my reply...
I have read every comment at least twice, and I have been so humbled. I told this story to hopefully encourage someone here. I am speechless at what you have all said. As far as my faith, it does get tested and shakey...but everyday, I see something, hear something or feel something that strengthens it again. And as far as sharing it... I hope I don't offend anyone, my mother always said that it is better to let your light shine in what you say or do than to push it down someones throat. I have my beliefs and views, but I would never force them on anyone, and I respect people enough NOT to belittle them or make them feel bad for something I don't agree with. Thank you all again for your comments. I was reading them and crying and my husband thought I was upset. I handed him the laptop and let him read, and he started crying!!
then I got this reply....
This was something I posted in my journal on the 18th.
About 8 months ago, I was at work. I work for the lab, but not in the lab very much. There is an office separate from the hospital that I work in. I stayed late one evening and went over to the lab and a patient walked in. Typically there are at least 2 other people in there that can take the paperwork and draw the patient's blood. But I was it! I could see this lady was upset, she was teary eyed. Her lab order was for a beta HCG. It will tell how the baby is progressing by a number. If it is low, then it is probably miscarrying. I wasn't sure if she knew she was pregnant or what. I usually don't ask, as you know...I am sensitive to pregnancy. Well, my mouth opened and I just started talking. I asked her if she was to find out if she was pregnant. She said, "I am 8 weeks and went in for my ultrasound and exam and the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat or the baby." She sobbed and said "they told me my baby was dead and that I have to have this to see if I will need to have a D&C or if I passed it naturally or will soon." My heart broke, I could feel my throat tighten and my eyes well up. I walked her back to the chair and she grabbed my hand and said "My God is good though, if this is meant to be, it will be." I smiled and squeezed her hand and said He is good and we are going to pray that that baby is ok and God can make it so! I drew her blood through tears, and we held hands and prayed over that blood. The tech that was there to run it was a Christian friend of mine and she cried at the story as well, and prayed too. I walked back out and told her it would be about 30 minutes for the test to run but she could wait there. She asked for me to take her to the chapel so she could pray. I walked her around and left her there, and went back to take care of some things. My heart and mind was so heavy for her. I wondered if I encouraged her enough, did I make her feel worse by saying God has a plan, did I give her a higher expectation that things would be ok...when they might not. I went down a few hours later and checked with Dee. She almost shouted when she told me, her numbers were PERFECT! That baby was there and when she called the doctor with the labs he said he was calling the patient in for another ultrasound the next morning. That he was sure she was losing that baby. I waited a week, a little afraid to call her, the devil was making me doubt what God can do! I called her and said, hi, I know you probably don't remember me...I am the girl that drew your blood the other day. She stopped me cold...she said, "I do remember you...Hope, you gave me just that-HOPE, I will never forget you". She told me that the doctor began the ultrasound and immediately heard the strong thump, thump, thump of the baby’s heart. There was the baby on the screen, the same one that had been empty the day before. She told me the doctor said he couldn't explain it, she told him...it was a miracle, God did it. God gave her back her baby. He said it was a miracle, yes...the doctor said that! We talked a couple of minutes, crying and praising God for this miracle. Then she said the most amazing thing to me. "Hope, when I came in, I was questioning God, I was angry and didn't know how I would tell my husband." She said, "You gave me hope, you prayed with me, you made me feel ok with whatever God had in store." "If it is ok with you, if this baby is a girl, can I name her Hope?" I could barely speak with the lump in my throat. I was in such a valley of my own, and here...when I think I don't do anything for God, I did do something. I told her that that was the sweetest, most wonderful thing anyone has ever said to me. I would love for her to do that. We prayed again and said good bye.
Today, Dee calls me. She told me that the lady came by the lab on Saturday to show her something....a beautiful, healthy almost 8 pound new bouncing baby GIRL! Her name....Ashton Hope. I was so excited, I called the mother and she told me that she was bringing the baby to see me soon. So I can see my namesake! She said that she will never forget us praying her baby back into her belly. She said the doctor told her family before she left the hospital, that this was truly a miracle. Sooo, needless to say... I have been choked up all day. God put me there for her. I have no doubt. I never stay late, and if I do...I avoid the lab. God knew I needed to be there, that Dee needed to run that test. If it had been any of the lab girls that were working that night, they are not Christian and wouldn't have prayed like we did and wouldn't have been as blessed by the result like we all were. For it to have been me and Dee taking care of her...It was all God's doing! Since then, I try not to second guess doing something out of the ordinary.
I shared this story on the Fertility site I am a member of. Also, it seems so much easier to share my faith when I type. It has given me more strength to also share it face to face. I have had several patients lately tell me that they are so blessed by my spirit or by something I say. I thank God for allowing me finally to be able to really show what he means to me. I think back how my mom would embarass me so much when she would 'preach' to people. I hear her coming out of me every day!!
These are some comments I received lately at the Fertility site:
That is beautiful!! God used you to make a difference in the woman's life -awesome!
TTCinNC
That is such a beatiful story, Im sure she is so greatful that you were there for her. Its amazing how God will put you in the right place at the right time. This is an example of how amazing God works!
Stephanie
Hope I admire you so much for the strenght that you find in God! I love how you are not afraid to share your faith on this board, knowing that there are those here that do not believe. This story is such a testimony of how God works, and how he does answer prayer and how much he loves us! I praise God that you were there for this lady and her beautiful, healthy baby girl!
Hope, thanks for sharing that story. You are truely amazing. God is able & one day we will all have our prayers answered.
SweetDallas
Hope,That is such a beautiful and heart-warming story. God works in mysterious ways. I'm happy he answered this mothers prayers. Being kind to others in their time of need is truly selfless.Baby dust....
That is such a beautiful story Hope, thanks for posting it. That story brought tears to my eyes. I remember that same exact feeling the women you helped felt. I wish someone would have been there to help me in that situation. Instead I prayed and was let down. For the longest I blamed him for taking my baby, even though I know today He only did it because something was wrong and he has my baby with him now, looking down at me everyday. You are such a blessing, and have such a big heart
Smiller
What a true deciple you are! YOu have given us all such HOPE and you remind us of our faith. Thank you for that! May God continue to bless us all!
Michelle
Hope that was so beautiful thank you for sharing, miracles do happen and I am a true believer in them. There was definately a reason you were named Hope, because you truly share that with others!!
Robyn
Of all the stories and sharing we have on this thread, this one really got me and just couldn't stop crying. Last time I cried this hard was when DH & I were anxiously waiting to see the results of our HPT when we got our BFP a month ago. Thank you for being the christian person you are and for making a difference. I know GOD will reward you with your bfp very soon and when you least expect it. I believe in miracles and in all of God's blessings and masterplan for us. I had my 1st ultrasound last week but there is no heartbeat yet and need to wait till upcoming Monday, april 24 for my 2nd ultrasound and hope we can see the heartbeat then. Oh, how I wish you had drawn my blood! You are in my thoughts
Hope, Thanks for adding truth to this site. God is so real and miracles DO happen!! You have such a good heart! Thanks for sharing your special experience with us!!
This was my reply...
I have read every comment at least twice, and I have been so humbled. I told this story to hopefully encourage someone here. I am speechless at what you have all said. As far as my faith, it does get tested and shakey...but everyday, I see something, hear something or feel something that strengthens it again. And as far as sharing it... I hope I don't offend anyone, my mother always said that it is better to let your light shine in what you say or do than to push it down someones throat. I have my beliefs and views, but I would never force them on anyone, and I respect people enough NOT to belittle them or make them feel bad for something I don't agree with. Thank you all again for your comments. I was reading them and crying and my husband thought I was upset. I handed him the laptop and let him read, and he started crying!!
then I got this reply....
Hi Hope! I just wanted to let you know that you were the topic and primary example last night at my small group bible study! We were studying the B attitudes, I believe it is Matthew 5, and we were talking about verse 15 & 16 (I think that's the right verse) about letting your light shine, and our Pastor asked us what we thought that meant. I shared with the group how you had made the comment that it is better to "let your light shine than to shove it down someone's throat". I think that is truely what "letting your light shine" is. Being a testimony to God's love and sacrifice in all that you do and letting others see Jesus in you. You are definetly an awesome example of that and I wanted to let you know that your "light" is shining and encouraging me. Thank you for who you are, and thank you for sharing it with us here on this board!
Because of Him,
Kari
This made me feel so good, and made me realize how much I appreciate what my mom taught me. Maybe one day she will read this.
Sunday, April 16, 2006
My heart...
I have sat down here to write about Scott several times. He makes me so emotional when I try to write about him.
We met on a blind date. A surprise blind date none the least!! My dear grandmother met him and thought he would be perfect. We were having a birthday party for my half sister and there he was. At first, I couldn't look at him. I had just gotten off work and had no clue this was a 'date'!! But then, we talked. I was lost in his eyes from the moment I noticed they were blue. We rode to the county fair, walked and talked forever. Then we sat out side on the car until ... oh about 2 in the morning. Before he left, he said..."You may think I am crazy, but.... I want to spend the rest of my life with you, will you marry me?" I didn't hesitate. I knew that he was my soul mate...(cliche' I know). I was dating off and on with a guy, but I knew he wasn't the one. I KNEW Scott was. I smiled at him, I am not sure if we had even kissed yet...no, I know we hadn't. I said yes, YES. He hugged me so tight. We agreed that maybe we should wait to tell people, that they might think we were crazy or pregnant! We tried to wait, but he told his cousin (my friend from highschool and my nieces husband). When I was riding home from work one day, I was thinking....I am going to have to have him change his last name. For 2 weeks or so...I thought his last name was HALE. I would have been Hope Hale...eeeeeeeeeek!! It wasn't long after that I did get his real name, ha ha. How silly is that!
It was late August when we met, we finally started telling people in September. My parents also knew from the start that he was right for me. They fell in love with him too. My brothers on the other hand....It took a good 2 years before they really would even talk to him. We were married February 10th, 1990...the following year. Sooo yes, that means we only knew each other 6 months when we were married. That was 16 years ago, I think something worked!
We have had all sorts of challenges. Dealing with the pain of the abandonment of his 'real' father was one of the biggest. Ted left him when he was 4 and Scott barely remembers seeing him as a child up until we met. We searched and found him, and it seemed like it was going to be a good thing. But, Ted chose not to pursue it. He will never know the wonderful, loving man he 'fathered'. He will never know his own grandchild. I gave Ted the benefit of the doubt for so long, until this past Christmas. We have always called Ted, and at least say hi...let him know what is going on and that is about it. I insisted we kept that line of communication somewhat open. This year, I assume Ted has caller ID now...someone picked up the phone and Scott could hear him in the background...he said...NO NO NO and hung up. The pain in Scotts face was more than I could bear. I will never mention Ted again to him.
The biggest most heart breaking challenge has been our desire for a baby. I feel I failed him because it is me that is stopping the process. He hurts so much for me. He tells me how I complete him and if God's plan is for it to be just us...then so be it. But, I see him look at Chirsten and Caleb...and I know he longs for a baby...to hear Daddy come out of his child's mouth. He WILL be such a good daddy, and God will bless us with a child. Our Isaac
I don't know what I did to deserve his love. He wraps me up in it every morning. I don't think we go more than an hour without calling each other or emailing...just to say I LOVE YOU. We never go to bed mad, we are always holding hands or kissing. We can't sleep unless something is touching...if I am in bed alone, I can't sleep and when I do... I search all over the bed for him. He is my everything. I barely can remember my life before him and could never imagine life without him. We have the same faith values and that makes church a lot easier!
I could go on and on.... I love him so much!!
Speakin' of favorites...
This is Cara, my niece from Todd and Lisa. She is one of my favorite nieces...I have several, but Cara and Misti...and now little Lily are the ones I am closest to. It is not that I don't love the other nieces, but they grew up thinking I was their cousins...LONG STORY!!!!
She is about to go to prom, this is her dress...her hair and stuff is not done yet. But, she still looks pretty.
I love her!!
She is about to go to prom, this is her dress...her hair and stuff is not done yet. But, she still looks pretty.
I love her!!
Happy Easter!
Here is a song our choir is singing this morning.....Such a BEAUTIFUL resurrection day!!
I was takin a trip on a plane the other day
just wishing that I could get out.
When the man next to me saw the book in my hand
and asked me what it was about.
So I settled back in my seat-"A best seller," I said.
"A history, a mystery in one."
And then I opened up the book and began to read
from Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.
Chorus:
He was born of a virgin one holy night
in the little town of Bethlehem.
Angels gathered round Him underneath the stars
singing praises to the great I Am.
He walked on the water,
healed the lame and made the blind to see again.
And for the first time here on earth
we learned that God could be a friend.
And though He never ever did a single thing wrong
the angry crowd chose him.
And then He walked down the road
and died on the cross and that was the end of the beginning.
"that's not a new book that's a bible," he said,"and I've heard it all before.
I've tried religion- its shame and guilt and I don't need it anymore.
It's superstition, made up tales and just to help the weak to survive."
"Let me read it again," I said, "listen closely, cuz this is gonna change your life.
Chorus:
He was born of a virgin one holy night in the little town of Bethlehem.
Angels gathered round Him underneath the stars singing praises to the great I Am.
He walked on the water, healed the lame and made the blind to see again.
And for the first time here on earth we learned that God could be a friend.
And though He never ever did a single thing wrong the angry crowd chose him.
And then He walked down the road and died on the cross and that was the end of the beginning.
"The end of the beginning," he said with a smile.
"What more could there be? He's dead.
You said they hung Him, put nails in His hands
and a crown of thorns on His head.
"I said, "I'll read it again but this time there's more,
and I believe that this is true.
His death wasn't the end, the beginning of life
that's completed in you.
Don't you see He did all this for you!"
Chorus:
He was born of a virgin one holy night in the little town of Bethlehem.
Angels gathered round Him underneath the stars singing praises to the great I Am.
He walked on the water, healed the lame and made the blind to see again.
And for the first time here on earth we learned that God could be a friend.
And though He never ever did a single thing wrong the angry crowd chose him.
And then He walked down the road and died on the cross and that was the end of the beginning.
then He walked and He died but three days late HE ROSE!!!!!!!!
Three days later He rose!
You see He came, He lived, and He died.
But that was the end of the beginning.
We had such a beautiful service today. He preached on Hope, how when we die, we have the hope of being in Heaven. AMEN!!
After services, we went to Burt and Leslies for Easter dinner. Oh my, I ate way too much. Everything was delicious. Bill and Becky, our Sunday school teachers and Lisa and Mason were also there. It was fun, we even hunted eggs in the yard!!
But, the best time was after everyone left and it got quiet in the house. It was just Burt, Leslie, Colin, Scott and I. I looked at her wedding photos and we laughed and talked...and watched baby Colin. I got home and thought how funny we all are. We have these little inside jokes and I can't think of a thing I wouldn't or couldn't tell them...and trust me, Leslie tells me lots!!!! (I LOVE IT!) I think back to my best friends from elementary school and on, and though I still love them and miss them and love to see them...there is something about Burt and Leslie...I really don't know how to explain it. Plus, Colin, he really has stolen my heart. I 'stole' him from Burt for a few and we laid back on the couch and it just felt soo good. He is so precious and such a good baby. Burt and Leslie are wonderful parents. Colin is so lucky to have them as their parents. Scott and I are lucky to have them as friend.
Well, after that big meal... I think it is time to go to take a nap.
I was takin a trip on a plane the other day
just wishing that I could get out.
When the man next to me saw the book in my hand
and asked me what it was about.
So I settled back in my seat-"A best seller," I said.
"A history, a mystery in one."
And then I opened up the book and began to read
from Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.
Chorus:
He was born of a virgin one holy night
in the little town of Bethlehem.
Angels gathered round Him underneath the stars
singing praises to the great I Am.
He walked on the water,
healed the lame and made the blind to see again.
And for the first time here on earth
we learned that God could be a friend.
And though He never ever did a single thing wrong
the angry crowd chose him.
And then He walked down the road
and died on the cross and that was the end of the beginning.
"that's not a new book that's a bible," he said,"and I've heard it all before.
I've tried religion- its shame and guilt and I don't need it anymore.
It's superstition, made up tales and just to help the weak to survive."
"Let me read it again," I said, "listen closely, cuz this is gonna change your life.
Chorus:
He was born of a virgin one holy night in the little town of Bethlehem.
Angels gathered round Him underneath the stars singing praises to the great I Am.
He walked on the water, healed the lame and made the blind to see again.
And for the first time here on earth we learned that God could be a friend.
And though He never ever did a single thing wrong the angry crowd chose him.
And then He walked down the road and died on the cross and that was the end of the beginning.
"The end of the beginning," he said with a smile.
"What more could there be? He's dead.
You said they hung Him, put nails in His hands
and a crown of thorns on His head.
"I said, "I'll read it again but this time there's more,
and I believe that this is true.
His death wasn't the end, the beginning of life
that's completed in you.
Don't you see He did all this for you!"
Chorus:
He was born of a virgin one holy night in the little town of Bethlehem.
Angels gathered round Him underneath the stars singing praises to the great I Am.
He walked on the water, healed the lame and made the blind to see again.
And for the first time here on earth we learned that God could be a friend.
And though He never ever did a single thing wrong the angry crowd chose him.
And then He walked down the road and died on the cross and that was the end of the beginning.
then He walked and He died but three days late HE ROSE!!!!!!!!
Three days later He rose!
You see He came, He lived, and He died.
But that was the end of the beginning.
We had such a beautiful service today. He preached on Hope, how when we die, we have the hope of being in Heaven. AMEN!!
After services, we went to Burt and Leslies for Easter dinner. Oh my, I ate way too much. Everything was delicious. Bill and Becky, our Sunday school teachers and Lisa and Mason were also there. It was fun, we even hunted eggs in the yard!!
But, the best time was after everyone left and it got quiet in the house. It was just Burt, Leslie, Colin, Scott and I. I looked at her wedding photos and we laughed and talked...and watched baby Colin. I got home and thought how funny we all are. We have these little inside jokes and I can't think of a thing I wouldn't or couldn't tell them...and trust me, Leslie tells me lots!!!! (I LOVE IT!) I think back to my best friends from elementary school and on, and though I still love them and miss them and love to see them...there is something about Burt and Leslie...I really don't know how to explain it. Plus, Colin, he really has stolen my heart. I 'stole' him from Burt for a few and we laid back on the couch and it just felt soo good. He is so precious and such a good baby. Burt and Leslie are wonderful parents. Colin is so lucky to have them as their parents. Scott and I are lucky to have them as friend.
Well, after that big meal... I think it is time to go to take a nap.
Thursday, April 13, 2006
More of my favorites...
Ok...I know this is weird... But when we were at the fertility clinic, it was raining..nothing pretty about that day. When we got in the car, here was this beautiful little flower stuck to the windshield. It was just so pretty and how odd that it landed just like that! Sooo I took a picture of it... I know, professional photographer I am NOT!
This is my favorite picture of my daddy! He is in the rocker with his older brother Leon. They both are so cute. There aren't that many photos of my dad really when he was a child. I think this picture is of his youngest age. My daddy...wow, where do I start with him!! I love my mother just as much, but I was always a daddy's girl. Poppy is what I called him mostly. I remember in church if he wasn't preaching I would sit beside him and put my little hand in his and was so amazed at how strong and big his hands were. I loved to hear him preach, maybe not as much as a child, but as I got older, I loved to hear him. But, my favorite thing to do with my daddy is ... fishing. I never cared really if I caught a fish at all. It was just so special to be in his boat...spending time together. He probably never knew that when he would pick me up at school or when he would wake me up early to go out on the boat...those were the times I looked forward to the most. I would love to tell my friends ... I am going out with my poppy. He always made everything ok. Everyone loves him, he does so much for people, and he really loves my mother. When I found Scott, there were a lot of the same qualities there. Thank you daddy for showing me how much you love me by spending time with me. THank you for preaching to me about Jesus...and yes, for praying for me!! I hope I have made you both proud.
These are my fish, they are such characters!
They are Blood Parrots, not sure why they
call them blood parrots. I know their mouths
are shaped like a parrots. They will eat out of my
hand and are getting huge!!!
If I have a daughter, they will have the same middle name...but that is ok!!! I am sure they will be best of friends. MISTI...FEED THAT CHILD!!!! *smiles*
This is Mark. It isn't easy to write about him. Mark, he was the youngest of 4 brothers. He was the most mischievous and rowdy of the 4. He was my fiercest tormenter and fiercest protector. He could pull my hair or kiss me all over my face or hold me down or a long list of mean things...but if anyone else dare...they would be in big trouble. We were close until something took over....drugs. When this happened, all relationships with him changed. I think it really did all start innocently enough. He was in an accident and was started on pain medications...and it just spiraled. I don't have a doubt that he was saved. He and I reconciled to a point about a month before he died. He died in the bedroom that was mine growing up. He died from an accidental overdose of Morphine patches. My father found him. My mother, told me once when I said I had a hard time even going near that room...she told me that she finds peace there. She said Angels, ANGELS...were in the room, they ushered him home. My mother, she can find inspirational things in the most difficult of situations. I miss him so much. There are so many regrets, so much I could have and should have said. I hope knew how much I loved him.
This is home. This is the road home. Just around that corner at the foot of that mountain are my parents, my brother Todd's house and my uncles and aunts and cousins. The house I grew up in, the trees I climbed and couldn't get down from, the creek we swam in and all the cats and dogs we would drag home. The puddles of water I caught tadpoles in, the fields I ran in to catch fireflies. The honeysuckles, the trees with 'club' houses built in them, bike trails....so many memories. When we go home, and Luc is with us...he knows when we get on this road we are almost home. He goes crazy in the back of the car. I do love this picture.
This is a 'family' picture we took a few years ago. We have had Luc since he was 5 weeks old. Dixie, Susie's sister gave him to us. He is like our child. He acts like a big ole baby. He was 15 years old in March. We love him so much, and miss him now that he is staying with my parents.
This....this is my most favorite picture of my mother. She is so beautiful here, and she had such a rough life. Her mother died when she was 6. She and some of her brothers were sent to live in an orphanage. She could have been bitter, but she is as beautiful on the inside as she is on the out. She is an angel to so many people. I meet some of those people that she comes across and I am so humbled by what they say about her. She takes care of people in their homes, and she sings to them, she tells them about Jesus and all the while taking such good care of them. If I can be even a fraction like her, I would be happy. When she prays, she is heard. People call her from miles around to ask her to pray for them. She is a true prayer warrior! There is so much more I could say. Like her hair, it is soooo soft. Her skin is too. Ever day when she gets out of the shower, she puts a 'dab' of olive oil in her hands and runs it through her hair and onto her skin. She is the most tender headed person I have ever met. While she was sick, I tried to brush her hair and get the knots out...and I thought she would cry each time I touched it. I want to have a grandbaby so bad for her. I know she has grand children from her sons, but they say it is different when it is a woman's daughter. I want my child to know her love, to feel her soft cool hands on their foreheads when they are running a fever. To hear her beautiful soft voice singing Jesus songs all over the house. To taste her vegetable soup or chicken -n- dumplin's or her fried cornbread...ooo I am making myself hungry!! There is so much I want my child to know about her. A lot of things, as a child and teenager..... I hated. I LOVE HER! Mom, if you ever read this. Thank you for giving me so much, for always thinking of your children before yourself. For telling me of Jesus and for always, ALWAYS praying for me. It worked!! Ok, I gotta talk about my daddy or he will be jealous!! *smiles* *going back up to his picture.
This is a recent picture of them..... I am so blessed to have such wonderful loving parents. I wish I had realized it when I was younger. This picture is just after Daddy had his pacemaker scare with the staph infection. Just before their 50th wedding anniversary. They renewed their vows at the party and I even sang them a song...Consider the Lilies. It was a wonderful time.
Well, there are soooooooooo many more favorite people/places and things I could add...and will. I don't want to bore you. :)
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