High upon this mountain - the sun is shining bright
My heart is filled with gladness here above the cares of life
But I've just come through the valley of trouble, fear and pain
It was there I came to know my God enough to stand and say
Even in the valley - God is good
Even in the valley - He is faithful and true
He carries his children through - like He said He would
Even in the valley - God is good
The road of life has lead you to a valley of defeat
You wonder if the Father has heard your desperate plea
But there is hope in the rugged place where tears of sorrow dwell
Can't you hear Him gently whispering "I am hear and all is well"
I want to hear Him whispering, I sit quietly sometimes turning off everything and close my eyes waiting to hear that this trial is almost over. I haven't heard those words, but tonight after a long few hours of a pity party...I sat quietly praying and a feeling of it won't be long settled over me and it is like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I pray that this is something real and not just my wishful thinking.
I am so blessed, I know this...I know that God has overwhelmingly blessed me with friends and family and Scott, sometimes I feel selfish asking for more.
My heart is so heavy for so many reasons. I go back to the doctor on the 25th and I guess we will see what is next. The pain in my leg, the numbness is still there. Maybe not as intense as before but I am on drugs :) I keep hearing the doctors warning...the nerve may be damaged permanently...if so I guess this is something I may have to live with. I am just praying for His will and I pray it is complete healing.
The baby bug is biting again too, kind of funny since we can't even make love right now. I think that losing a little weight has helped my cycles as they have been more normal since the surgeries. I think I even had ovulation pains last month. It was about 18 days into my cycle and 14 days later my period started...who knows.
Little Tom called and we talked for a long time, he sent me pictures of my great neice. She is beautiful. I pray that mom, dad, Tommy and I will be able to drive out to see them before Christmas. I am working on a family album for him with pictures of everyone. He has texted me a few times and Brad, Cara and Lisa have talked to him too. His mom Annie called too and that really touched my heart so much. I loved her so much and miss her.
Mom is feeling much better, she spent a few days in the hospital but is home doing fine now. She was more worried about me than herself. Lisa and Cara came and stayed two days, got to see Illan...he is growing sooo much. Lena brought Caleb and they stayed one day. I tried to tell mom that I will be fine this week, but she insists on coming to stay with me. Mom is so awesome, she gives the best advice and has such a loving heart. I feel so honored when people say I remind them of her. I remember when I was younger I said I will never be like her...and now I am honored...my how time changes. I had to look at her through God's eyes and I saw an angel.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Monday, September 10, 2007
Dreams...so real....
you wake up and can feel it, smell it...still see it and almost feel it was real.
I dreamed last night...I don't usually remember my dreams especially when I am on pain medications.
In my dream, I lived in my uncle Wilson's old house. I don't know why...but that is where I came home to. Scott was away somewhere, it was like a week before he came home. I went to the hospital and gave birth to a baby boy. No one was there with me, I couldn't get anyone even Scott on the phone. I looked at this tiny 5 pound baby boy and had to give them a name right then, they couldn't wait for Scott to call or come. So I named him Henry John Alexander Lail. I know...Henry huh? My dads middle name is Henry. It was the next morning and I was ready to go home, but I didn't have a car seat, no clothes nothing. So, I ran out and bought one and some clothes and bottles and formula and then came back and picked up my bundle. I brought him home to Wilson's house. My best friend Leslie came to my house with Colin and she brought me pants lol. We talked and she gave me a baby shower from my old church and friends in Myrtle Beach. I loved showing him to people, I remember Scott coming home and I fussed at him for not being there. But then seeing him hold our baby was all it took to take away the anger. Todd stayed with me that week while Scott was gone, he put me a dishwasher in saying I needed to be able to sterilize those bottles and such.
I remember mom coming by once in the dream, but never daddy. Burt was always working, never got to see him, but Leslie was with me all the time it seemed. The last thing I remember was Leslie helping me give him a bath, then me holding him so close, smelling the baby smells...when I woke up this morning...I tried to hold my eyes tightly closed trying not to lose that moment...I could still smell the baby shampoo, I could still feel the soft towel with him in it in my arms....Ohh I didn't want to let go....still now I am holding my eyes tight trying to get that feeling back. I have been in my own little world all morning...trying to remember every detail of that dream....I don't know how I can let it go....even the pain in my back and legs aren't distracting me. I opened email and there were pictures of a friends baby...and that just made the pictures in my dream flood back in.
This is the second time I have dreamed this dream....not all the same, but the same intensity of when I woke up, the same day full of hugging pillows, closing my eyes trying to make myself sleep to dream of him again. It didn't work last time...by the next day the dream was distant and the pain of my empty arms eased. Right now though, these empty arms make the pain....all the pain I have had this last month in my back pale in comparison.
I don't know why God would let me dream like this, letting me wake up with empty arms. I hope, I pray that maybe He let me dream of something soon to come. I have to hold on to that reasoning...as anything else would be cruel. My God is not a cruel God.
Dear Lord, please let this dream come true, forgive me of anything in my life that might hinder this prayer. God, You alone are the miracle maker, You can make my dream come true, You can help me make Scott a father. Dear Lord, please touch my womb, heal my ovaries, make it so that we can be fruitful and raise a child that loves You and will live in Your light, Lord I promise if You give us a child we will give him back to You to do Your will and be a light in this world of darkness. Sweet Savior, please bless Leslie with an easy healthy pregnancy. She loves You, she serves You, her children will be brought up knowing You. She is precious Lord, she loves me and has been the friend you have sent to be there, to talk to, to share YOU with. Dear Lord, Michelle just had Lilliana and she is so sweet, keep her healthy and take care of Michelle as she heals from the delivery and as she discovers all the wonders of being a new mother. Kari Lord, You know her well, she is one of Yours, she has the same desire as I do, give her that wish Lord, Her and her husband Rich have recommitted to each other and to You, I pray Your will is giving them this child. Please put a hedge of Angels around Jami and CJ, he is out of town for almost a month and she is home alone with the twins and her older 2 children. Keep them all safe, give them peace and let these days go by so fast. Be with Shannon as she plans her wedding, her and Steve deserve every happiness. Dear Lord, Laura just got the suprise of her life with finding out she is pregnant again. Be with this pregnancy and give her every joy of motherhood once again. Be with Christina and Josh and their baby girl as they travel to Florida, give them safety and let them have fun. Be with Jennifer as they finish this house to sell, let it sell fast and with the profit they need. Carla has been sick for so long, please give her doctors discernment to fix what is wrong and to do it swiftly. Dear Lord, she is trying to have a baby as well, answer her prayers and make her dream a reality, and if it is Your will Lord, bring her home to the states to her family. Ohh Dear Lord my dear friend DeeDee has her hands full with the twins, and her husbands constant pain. Let the doctors fix his neck and help them with their finances, I know that You can do all of this for them. Robyn is about to go through IVF again, during the stress of buying and redoing the house. Give her peace and let this baby stick. My family Lord, there is so much I could pray for for my family. Little Tom called and he had to have a kidney removed, please keep him and Anjel safe and healthy. Give us the time and finances to go out and visit him with mom and dad. Maybe Tommy will even go. Take care of Scott as he drives so much, please Lord give him a job closer to home. He needs this Lord, his back is hurting so much and the driving is really making it worse. Please Lord, give him a closer job. Be with mom and dad, they are so faithful to You Lord, keep them safe and healthy in the palm of Your hand. Heal my back, give me relief and give me my life back. Direct us to a church, I long for that family feeling we had in Myrtle Beach, something close to that Lord, we need it for so many reasons. I ask all these things in Your precious name Jesus, Amen.
I dreamed last night...I don't usually remember my dreams especially when I am on pain medications.
In my dream, I lived in my uncle Wilson's old house. I don't know why...but that is where I came home to. Scott was away somewhere, it was like a week before he came home. I went to the hospital and gave birth to a baby boy. No one was there with me, I couldn't get anyone even Scott on the phone. I looked at this tiny 5 pound baby boy and had to give them a name right then, they couldn't wait for Scott to call or come. So I named him Henry John Alexander Lail. I know...Henry huh? My dads middle name is Henry. It was the next morning and I was ready to go home, but I didn't have a car seat, no clothes nothing. So, I ran out and bought one and some clothes and bottles and formula and then came back and picked up my bundle. I brought him home to Wilson's house. My best friend Leslie came to my house with Colin and she brought me pants lol. We talked and she gave me a baby shower from my old church and friends in Myrtle Beach. I loved showing him to people, I remember Scott coming home and I fussed at him for not being there. But then seeing him hold our baby was all it took to take away the anger. Todd stayed with me that week while Scott was gone, he put me a dishwasher in saying I needed to be able to sterilize those bottles and such.
I remember mom coming by once in the dream, but never daddy. Burt was always working, never got to see him, but Leslie was with me all the time it seemed. The last thing I remember was Leslie helping me give him a bath, then me holding him so close, smelling the baby smells...when I woke up this morning...I tried to hold my eyes tightly closed trying not to lose that moment...I could still smell the baby shampoo, I could still feel the soft towel with him in it in my arms....Ohh I didn't want to let go....still now I am holding my eyes tight trying to get that feeling back. I have been in my own little world all morning...trying to remember every detail of that dream....I don't know how I can let it go....even the pain in my back and legs aren't distracting me. I opened email and there were pictures of a friends baby...and that just made the pictures in my dream flood back in.
This is the second time I have dreamed this dream....not all the same, but the same intensity of when I woke up, the same day full of hugging pillows, closing my eyes trying to make myself sleep to dream of him again. It didn't work last time...by the next day the dream was distant and the pain of my empty arms eased. Right now though, these empty arms make the pain....all the pain I have had this last month in my back pale in comparison.
I don't know why God would let me dream like this, letting me wake up with empty arms. I hope, I pray that maybe He let me dream of something soon to come. I have to hold on to that reasoning...as anything else would be cruel. My God is not a cruel God.
Dear Lord, please let this dream come true, forgive me of anything in my life that might hinder this prayer. God, You alone are the miracle maker, You can make my dream come true, You can help me make Scott a father. Dear Lord, please touch my womb, heal my ovaries, make it so that we can be fruitful and raise a child that loves You and will live in Your light, Lord I promise if You give us a child we will give him back to You to do Your will and be a light in this world of darkness. Sweet Savior, please bless Leslie with an easy healthy pregnancy. She loves You, she serves You, her children will be brought up knowing You. She is precious Lord, she loves me and has been the friend you have sent to be there, to talk to, to share YOU with. Dear Lord, Michelle just had Lilliana and she is so sweet, keep her healthy and take care of Michelle as she heals from the delivery and as she discovers all the wonders of being a new mother. Kari Lord, You know her well, she is one of Yours, she has the same desire as I do, give her that wish Lord, Her and her husband Rich have recommitted to each other and to You, I pray Your will is giving them this child. Please put a hedge of Angels around Jami and CJ, he is out of town for almost a month and she is home alone with the twins and her older 2 children. Keep them all safe, give them peace and let these days go by so fast. Be with Shannon as she plans her wedding, her and Steve deserve every happiness. Dear Lord, Laura just got the suprise of her life with finding out she is pregnant again. Be with this pregnancy and give her every joy of motherhood once again. Be with Christina and Josh and their baby girl as they travel to Florida, give them safety and let them have fun. Be with Jennifer as they finish this house to sell, let it sell fast and with the profit they need. Carla has been sick for so long, please give her doctors discernment to fix what is wrong and to do it swiftly. Dear Lord, she is trying to have a baby as well, answer her prayers and make her dream a reality, and if it is Your will Lord, bring her home to the states to her family. Ohh Dear Lord my dear friend DeeDee has her hands full with the twins, and her husbands constant pain. Let the doctors fix his neck and help them with their finances, I know that You can do all of this for them. Robyn is about to go through IVF again, during the stress of buying and redoing the house. Give her peace and let this baby stick. My family Lord, there is so much I could pray for for my family. Little Tom called and he had to have a kidney removed, please keep him and Anjel safe and healthy. Give us the time and finances to go out and visit him with mom and dad. Maybe Tommy will even go. Take care of Scott as he drives so much, please Lord give him a job closer to home. He needs this Lord, his back is hurting so much and the driving is really making it worse. Please Lord, give him a closer job. Be with mom and dad, they are so faithful to You Lord, keep them safe and healthy in the palm of Your hand. Heal my back, give me relief and give me my life back. Direct us to a church, I long for that family feeling we had in Myrtle Beach, something close to that Lord, we need it for so many reasons. I ask all these things in Your precious name Jesus, Amen.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
Time flies...when you're having a second surgery!
Yep....you read that right, second. On Friday August 24th, I picked up a computer cord that was on a box about knee high. I turned and walked 2 steps and POP....something popped, later found out it was the remainder of the disc rupturing. I cried out for Scott he came running, shaking when he got there and he basically carried me to the bed. I thought I could take pain meds and just sleep it off, the pain was the worse EVER. I cried all night - taking multiple pain pills and phenergan as I was so nauseated from the pain. I got out of bed Saturday morning and somehow took a shower and then made it to the ER after calling the ortho doc. I get there and I can't sit so they have to get a stretcher and wheel me that way into the ER.
I got so frustrated while in the ER. The ortho doc already said they would admit me, I told the ER doc that and he seemed to ignore me. He came in and said he would give me something for pain and send me home until I could have another MRI on Monday. I said WOAH...I can't even sit on a commode to pee...I can't walk, I can't lay...pain pills worked like tic tacs! I asked if he called the ortho and he said no, I took a deep breath and asked him to PLEASE call and about 5 minutes later they were coming in to put IV in and get me on a pain pump (Morphine) and get me up to a room. The morphine pump started every 20 minutes I could get meds....finally down to every 10 minutes. I couldn't pee...they put me on a bed pan and do you know how hard it is to lay down and pee??? I couldn't get a drop out so they put in a catheter...of course I had a male nurse that night...EEEK
Susie was such a God-send. She knew all the nurses on the floor and while I know they are great nurses and probably treat everyone great...they really went over board with me. I got such a great treatment while there, Catawba is my hospital of choice! The ortho doc came in and said the ER doc told him I wasn't having pain down my legs so he ordered a CT and x-ray...I said WHAT??? I told him everything I told the ER doc...pain down my leg was excruciating! He got as frustrated with the ER as I did...and then ordered an MRI with contrast. They did it and the disc had ruptured and I needed immediate surgery. Dr. Maxy had 13 surgeries on Monday...I didn't want to be 14...so on the 28th I had a second surgery. The excruciating pain was gone at first. I came home and it got worse. It has finally evened out...but I can't do anything alone. I have to use a walker to get anywhere. The doctor said I could NOT sit for more than 5 minutes, recline for more than 30 and to walk only as tolerated with the walker. So I am in bed for 30 days pretty much.
Mom stays here through the week and takes care of me...she has been so wonderful. She and Lisa bathed me when I got home....I can now take my own shower...it is rough but getting better. I hate being in bed, but I am not going to go against the doctor....I want to get better.
I have gotten so many calls, cards, packages and so many prayers going up for me. I get in the dumps easy, but I know it is because I am stuck in bed...but my family and friends have really been here for me. I am so blessed.
Scott is amazing...he has done things he probably never thought he would do. He cleaned up puke, bathed me, wiped me, changed bandages...so much and never once complained.
Ooo it is late, gotta get to sleep...just wanted to update a little.
I got so frustrated while in the ER. The ortho doc already said they would admit me, I told the ER doc that and he seemed to ignore me. He came in and said he would give me something for pain and send me home until I could have another MRI on Monday. I said WOAH...I can't even sit on a commode to pee...I can't walk, I can't lay...pain pills worked like tic tacs! I asked if he called the ortho and he said no, I took a deep breath and asked him to PLEASE call and about 5 minutes later they were coming in to put IV in and get me on a pain pump (Morphine) and get me up to a room. The morphine pump started every 20 minutes I could get meds....finally down to every 10 minutes. I couldn't pee...they put me on a bed pan and do you know how hard it is to lay down and pee??? I couldn't get a drop out so they put in a catheter...of course I had a male nurse that night...EEEK
Susie was such a God-send. She knew all the nurses on the floor and while I know they are great nurses and probably treat everyone great...they really went over board with me. I got such a great treatment while there, Catawba is my hospital of choice! The ortho doc came in and said the ER doc told him I wasn't having pain down my legs so he ordered a CT and x-ray...I said WHAT??? I told him everything I told the ER doc...pain down my leg was excruciating! He got as frustrated with the ER as I did...and then ordered an MRI with contrast. They did it and the disc had ruptured and I needed immediate surgery. Dr. Maxy had 13 surgeries on Monday...I didn't want to be 14...so on the 28th I had a second surgery. The excruciating pain was gone at first. I came home and it got worse. It has finally evened out...but I can't do anything alone. I have to use a walker to get anywhere. The doctor said I could NOT sit for more than 5 minutes, recline for more than 30 and to walk only as tolerated with the walker. So I am in bed for 30 days pretty much.
Mom stays here through the week and takes care of me...she has been so wonderful. She and Lisa bathed me when I got home....I can now take my own shower...it is rough but getting better. I hate being in bed, but I am not going to go against the doctor....I want to get better.
I have gotten so many calls, cards, packages and so many prayers going up for me. I get in the dumps easy, but I know it is because I am stuck in bed...but my family and friends have really been here for me. I am so blessed.
Scott is amazing...he has done things he probably never thought he would do. He cleaned up puke, bathed me, wiped me, changed bandages...so much and never once complained.
Ooo it is late, gotta get to sleep...just wanted to update a little.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Long time...no post...sorry
Sorry that I haven't been keeping up on my blog lately. It has been difficult to sit for any real period of time and that alone is discouraging. My back is not any better really, makes me think the surgery is a bust. The doctor called me to check up on me and is is disappointed as well. I see him on the 28th, he said we will see what is next then...possibly more surgery.
I don't know how much more of this I can handle...thank God I have Scott...and thank God I have GOD! These two are who get me through it all.
Enough of that...
We visited a church on Sunday, we had never been there. We walked in and they had a new sanctuary with two screens behind the choir and all...we were like oooo looks similar to Grand Strand...the similarities stopped there. While people were nice, the church just felt dead - nothing moved either of us. I miss our church, I miss our friends...we both left the church with tears thinking about what we left in Myrtle Beach. We are craving that Spirit, that familiarity, fitting in, music...all the things that we miss from our Church in Myrtle Beach. But, this did make us want to search harder and maybe look outside of Morganton.
We bought a car...a Ford Explorer. It wasn't my first choice, but we like it. We had to send it to get a little something fixed, we were given a loaner - a Toyota Camry...and it reaffirmed that I can't have a low car ever again - well not while I am hurting like this. It was miserable trying to get in and out.
We are still working hard to find Scott a job closer to home. That drive is crazy, more so than I ever thought. At least in Myrtle Beach he had no mountain to climb.
Other than all that, I am ok, just plugging along.
I got kisses over the phone from Colin last night...so sweet. I miss them sooooooo much, bad back or not...September I am going to go see them!
Guess that is it... later
I don't know how much more of this I can handle...thank God I have Scott...and thank God I have GOD! These two are who get me through it all.
Enough of that...
We visited a church on Sunday, we had never been there. We walked in and they had a new sanctuary with two screens behind the choir and all...we were like oooo looks similar to Grand Strand...the similarities stopped there. While people were nice, the church just felt dead - nothing moved either of us. I miss our church, I miss our friends...we both left the church with tears thinking about what we left in Myrtle Beach. We are craving that Spirit, that familiarity, fitting in, music...all the things that we miss from our Church in Myrtle Beach. But, this did make us want to search harder and maybe look outside of Morganton.
We bought a car...a Ford Explorer. It wasn't my first choice, but we like it. We had to send it to get a little something fixed, we were given a loaner - a Toyota Camry...and it reaffirmed that I can't have a low car ever again - well not while I am hurting like this. It was miserable trying to get in and out.
We are still working hard to find Scott a job closer to home. That drive is crazy, more so than I ever thought. At least in Myrtle Beach he had no mountain to climb.
Other than all that, I am ok, just plugging along.
I got kisses over the phone from Colin last night...so sweet. I miss them sooooooo much, bad back or not...September I am going to go see them!
Guess that is it... later
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Home...healing
I came home Monday evening around 7. It was such a long day on Monday, the stress test was NEGATIVE...thank You Lord! I was so glad to be home, to be in my own bed. An overnight stay turned into a 5 night ordeal. But, as I sat waiting during my stress test, it hit me things could be worse. A man was hit by a train and was brought into the department I was waiting in...he was barely alive, all bloody and not breathing on his own. I could have been hit by a train, or never woke up. I am so blessed to be home with my family!
I had a rough 2 nights, but today was better. Mom has been here since I came home and wow...hard to believe that a month or so ago I was doing all this for her. She has been cooking and keeping me company making sure I don't do toooo much. I love her!!
I had a really rough day on Tuesday. I got a migraine...no THE migraine of migraines. I haven't hurt so badly in a long time. I had daddy, mom and Debbie to pray over me and thought wow I wish Louise and Lori were here, and what do you know...8 0'clock here they came. Within an hour of them (all of them) praying over me I was feeling better. Amazing is the power of prayer.
My back...well, is no better, actually worse than before surgery but I have hopes that some improvement will come. I have another appointment with him August 28th.
And as if things couldn't get worse...aunt Flow (period) has decided to rear her ugly head!
I had a rough 2 nights, but today was better. Mom has been here since I came home and wow...hard to believe that a month or so ago I was doing all this for her. She has been cooking and keeping me company making sure I don't do toooo much. I love her!!
I had a really rough day on Tuesday. I got a migraine...no THE migraine of migraines. I haven't hurt so badly in a long time. I had daddy, mom and Debbie to pray over me and thought wow I wish Louise and Lori were here, and what do you know...8 0'clock here they came. Within an hour of them (all of them) praying over me I was feeling better. Amazing is the power of prayer.
My back...well, is no better, actually worse than before surgery but I have hopes that some improvement will come. I have another appointment with him August 28th.
And as if things couldn't get worse...aunt Flow (period) has decided to rear her ugly head!
Friday, July 27, 2007
Long story...
Short version!
I can't sit here very long so I will make this short and...well, just short.
I am still in the hospital, I am going home tomorrow I HOPE. Still having a lot of pain but not as bad as yesterday morning but still worse than before the surgery. He has me on some high powered steroids for the inflammation, which he thinks is causing the pain and such. They seem to be working but my sugars have been really high reaching 597 at one point. They are giving me insulin to help with that.
Thank you for all the visits, calls, flowers and prayers...they mean so much. I can't wait to be home to be in my own bed and to wear my own clothes.
He still believes things will be better and I do too. He was very disappointed that I am not doing better, but he said his hope and prayer is that things will get better soon. He discussed the possibilities of this being a scenario before the surgery but said it was very unlikely to happen...only 5-10% of patients have this type of outcome. I should have warned him about my recent luck :)
Misti, thank you for the call yesterday, I talked to mom and she said you had called her too. I really appreciate you calling your dad for me too...I was so sad that I hadn't heard from him and it hit me that he could be out of town and was so glad to hear he was. He called back again this morning, he always makes me smile. He did say he has cut his finger really bad and was gonna find some duct tape to fix it right up LOL. I love you...and you could have let me live in fantasy thinking Lil was saying HOPE in the background haha..jk, one day SOOON she will be saying it over and over!
I can't sit here very long so I will make this short and...well, just short.
I am still in the hospital, I am going home tomorrow I HOPE. Still having a lot of pain but not as bad as yesterday morning but still worse than before the surgery. He has me on some high powered steroids for the inflammation, which he thinks is causing the pain and such. They seem to be working but my sugars have been really high reaching 597 at one point. They are giving me insulin to help with that.
Thank you for all the visits, calls, flowers and prayers...they mean so much. I can't wait to be home to be in my own bed and to wear my own clothes.
He still believes things will be better and I do too. He was very disappointed that I am not doing better, but he said his hope and prayer is that things will get better soon. He discussed the possibilities of this being a scenario before the surgery but said it was very unlikely to happen...only 5-10% of patients have this type of outcome. I should have warned him about my recent luck :)
Misti, thank you for the call yesterday, I talked to mom and she said you had called her too. I really appreciate you calling your dad for me too...I was so sad that I hadn't heard from him and it hit me that he could be out of town and was so glad to hear he was. He called back again this morning, he always makes me smile. He did say he has cut his finger really bad and was gonna find some duct tape to fix it right up LOL. I love you...and you could have let me live in fantasy thinking Lil was saying HOPE in the background haha..jk, one day SOOON she will be saying it over and over!
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Today's the day..
I am not toooo nervous, but as the time ticks closer I can feel palpitations :) Thank you all for your prayers and I know HE will get me through this.
Peace...
Peace...
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Faith..
Faith is trusting what the eye can't see.
Eyes see the prowling lion. Faith sees Daniel's angel.
Eyes see storms. Faith sees Noah's rainbow.
Eyes see giants. Faith sees Canaan.
Your eyes see your faults. Your faith sees your Savior.
Your eyes see your guilt. Your faith sees his blood.
Your eyes look in the mirror and see a sinner, a failure, a promise-breaker. But by faith you look in the mirror and see a robed prodigal bearing the ring of grace on your finger and the kiss of your Father on your face.
Eyes see the prowling lion. Faith sees Daniel's angel.
Eyes see storms. Faith sees Noah's rainbow.
Eyes see giants. Faith sees Canaan.
Your eyes see your faults. Your faith sees your Savior.
Your eyes see your guilt. Your faith sees his blood.
Your eyes look in the mirror and see a sinner, a failure, a promise-breaker. But by faith you look in the mirror and see a robed prodigal bearing the ring of grace on your finger and the kiss of your Father on your face.
Video worth sharing..
I was reading a blog the other day and saw this video, well worth sharing.
Then I get this email from a friend...really made me think. I know God speaks to us in many different ways, and maybe God is speaking to me through a friend.
I just wanted to tell you about a dream that I had, it really was more like a vision. So vivid, and when I woke, I believed it. In my dream, I was at church and they said we had a guest speaker who was there to talk about faith and how God always follows through(After Ayla was home from the NICU my husband and I talked to our church on this very subject)Anyway, you and Scott walked up to the front and began to talk about your journey with God through the TTC process. You had FOUR beautiful children. FOUR! They had come from a family who didn't care for them properly and you and Scott adopted them. Hope these are the children th were created for you and Scott, they looked like you and immediately called you Mommy and Daddy. You were saying that you now understood why you hadn't conceived, you had children but just needed to find them. You and Scott and your children were happy and complete. You also spoke of your stroke and felt that at that time that was god's way of stopping you from taking the TTC further - you were meant to find these children. There were 2 girls and 2 boys. I hope you don't think I'm crazy. I was so touched by the realness that I felt - I just needed to share with you. I feel like God was talking to me, that He wants me to guide you in the direction of fostering/adoption. You have babies Hope, they're waiting for you!!
Then I get this email from a friend...really made me think. I know God speaks to us in many different ways, and maybe God is speaking to me through a friend.
I just wanted to tell you about a dream that I had, it really was more like a vision. So vivid, and when I woke, I believed it. In my dream, I was at church and they said we had a guest speaker who was there to talk about faith and how God always follows through(After Ayla was home from the NICU my husband and I talked to our church on this very subject)Anyway, you and Scott walked up to the front and began to talk about your journey with God through the TTC process. You had FOUR beautiful children. FOUR! They had come from a family who didn't care for them properly and you and Scott adopted them. Hope these are the children th were created for you and Scott, they looked like you and immediately called you Mommy and Daddy. You were saying that you now understood why you hadn't conceived, you had children but just needed to find them. You and Scott and your children were happy and complete. You also spoke of your stroke and felt that at that time that was god's way of stopping you from taking the TTC further - you were meant to find these children. There were 2 girls and 2 boys. I hope you don't think I'm crazy. I was so touched by the realness that I felt - I just needed to share with you. I feel like God was talking to me, that He wants me to guide you in the direction of fostering/adoption. You have babies Hope, they're waiting for you!!
Tomorrow
Is the big day! I went for pre-op yesterday and had the other MRI. If anything is worse or changed, he will call today and discuss it...otherwise I will see him tomorrow at 11. I am nervous, but I have faith that this surgery will make all the difference.
Twice we have found a car that we wanted but had to talk about it and went back the next morning and it is gone! SOO frustrating. So we are still down a car and Scott will have to go on his own after my surgery to look. He found the VW on his own, so I am sure he can do this too.
I went to church with mom and dad on Sunday, Tommy and Little John and Korey were there too. I took a song to sing just in case, and they asked me to sing. I walk up to the front, and being as I can't feel anything in my right foot I didn't realize I hadn't cleared the alter and tripped...yep my greatest fear happened. I hope my skirt stayed down *UGH*. I scraped and bruised my leg, but I did sing. I probably sounded horrible, it hurt soooo bad. I sang I bowed on my knees and cried Holy. Mom loves that song and it was one I felt led to sing.
I have been battling the devil lately, he has made me feel overwhelmed, made me feel like God is putting more on me than I can handle. God is going to get me through this surgery and take away my pain, God will deliver us from this accident and make everything ok, He will make a way for children, He will direct us to a church, He is FAITHFUL!!
I withdrew from a lot of things, the devil got me to think I needed to handle things on my own. He does that! He really made me think that things would be easier if I just drew from my own strength not involve friends and family or God. My strength is nothing without those three resources. My friends can sympathize and empathize, they can be impartial and caring and give the best advice. My family are my rock, Scott and the rest unconditionally love me and will be there for me if and when I need them. And God is my everything, He is THE One! I just have to remember that my strength isn't me, it is within me. My family, friends and God are IN me and I have to draw from that not from self.
I really appreciate all the emails and calls during this time, it has meant a lot to know that I am thought of :)
Twice we have found a car that we wanted but had to talk about it and went back the next morning and it is gone! SOO frustrating. So we are still down a car and Scott will have to go on his own after my surgery to look. He found the VW on his own, so I am sure he can do this too.
I went to church with mom and dad on Sunday, Tommy and Little John and Korey were there too. I took a song to sing just in case, and they asked me to sing. I walk up to the front, and being as I can't feel anything in my right foot I didn't realize I hadn't cleared the alter and tripped...yep my greatest fear happened. I hope my skirt stayed down *UGH*. I scraped and bruised my leg, but I did sing. I probably sounded horrible, it hurt soooo bad. I sang I bowed on my knees and cried Holy. Mom loves that song and it was one I felt led to sing.
I have been battling the devil lately, he has made me feel overwhelmed, made me feel like God is putting more on me than I can handle. God is going to get me through this surgery and take away my pain, God will deliver us from this accident and make everything ok, He will make a way for children, He will direct us to a church, He is FAITHFUL!!
I withdrew from a lot of things, the devil got me to think I needed to handle things on my own. He does that! He really made me think that things would be easier if I just drew from my own strength not involve friends and family or God. My strength is nothing without those three resources. My friends can sympathize and empathize, they can be impartial and caring and give the best advice. My family are my rock, Scott and the rest unconditionally love me and will be there for me if and when I need them. And God is my everything, He is THE One! I just have to remember that my strength isn't me, it is within me. My family, friends and God are IN me and I have to draw from that not from self.
I really appreciate all the emails and calls during this time, it has meant a lot to know that I am thought of :)
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Ever feel...
Like you just can't take one more thing? I know that everyone has issues...but lately I swear I have more issues than Time Magazine! Infertility, family, wreck...ohh goodness I could go on and on. Sometimes I have to wonder what I have done to warrant all these things that are soooo difficult in my life. Some days I can just look up and really believe that God won't give me too much, that He knows my limits...but today, I am feeling like my cup is over flowing...and not the cup of blessings. All of these difficulties make the blessings harder and harder to recognize.
Just please say a prayer for me tonight, my heart, mind, body and spirit feels so weary. Scott thinks that this surgery will really make me feel better and if I don't have to deal with all the pain that the rest might not seem so bad. I hope he is right. I have been praying, but things seem to be spiralling and it is like He isn't hearing my prayers....I know I am being dramatic, but every day something else gets piled on.
Just please say a prayer for me tonight, my heart, mind, body and spirit feels so weary. Scott thinks that this surgery will really make me feel better and if I don't have to deal with all the pain that the rest might not seem so bad. I hope he is right. I have been praying, but things seem to be spiralling and it is like He isn't hearing my prayers....I know I am being dramatic, but every day something else gets piled on.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Stressful weekend
We spent all day Saturday and Sunday looking for a car. I hated looking for our first one, but this one is even worse. First, we LOVED the car we had...so our bar is set pretty high. Second, we have a deadline really and we can't do much until Geico gets their gecko in gear and sends us the check. But, last...is pushing through the pain! Riding in a car is so painful already...but getting in and out of cars, riding for close to 14 hours straight has been excruciating. By the end of the night Saturday I was in tears, Scott was hurting so bad as well. Just to wake up groggy Sunday morning (from pain medications that were necessary to take to sleep the night before) and do it all again.
Saturday we were chased by several sales men, one in a golf cart. That really turned me off, Scott too. I mean...we were still in our car and were being chased! So, we thought if we go out on a Sunday afternoon no one will be open and we can 'look'. Plus it was pouring the rain, lots of lightening so we thought we were safe. Umm, NOPE! We pull into this dealership and as we pull in we see a guy jet out in his yellow golf shirt, we thought maybe he was just running to his car. Surely they wouldn't be open on a Sunday and even more...surely he wouldn't be running out in the rain. Running, YES running...he was as big as Scott and we got tickled...every time Scott would slow down he would run harder like he was catching up. We drove maybe the length of a football field and turned the corner to go down an aisle and there he was, red faced, dripping of rain waving at us. Then we thought maybe something was wrong, so Scott rolled the window down and he started his spiel. Scott rolled the window back up mid pitch and we drove away.
We think we found a couple to chose from, waiting now for the check to come. SIGH.
I honestly don't know how much longer I can handle this pain, I thought I could just deal until the surgery but after the weekend...hurting soo much, my days are consisting of waking up in pain, dreading that first step on the floor, walking around my house in pain pain pain, then taking a pain pill to go to bed. I don't want to see people, talk to anyone...just want to get to the 25th and get it over, that surgery has to work...I have to feel better. I can't live like this. UGH
Saturday we were chased by several sales men, one in a golf cart. That really turned me off, Scott too. I mean...we were still in our car and were being chased! So, we thought if we go out on a Sunday afternoon no one will be open and we can 'look'. Plus it was pouring the rain, lots of lightening so we thought we were safe. Umm, NOPE! We pull into this dealership and as we pull in we see a guy jet out in his yellow golf shirt, we thought maybe he was just running to his car. Surely they wouldn't be open on a Sunday and even more...surely he wouldn't be running out in the rain. Running, YES running...he was as big as Scott and we got tickled...every time Scott would slow down he would run harder like he was catching up. We drove maybe the length of a football field and turned the corner to go down an aisle and there he was, red faced, dripping of rain waving at us. Then we thought maybe something was wrong, so Scott rolled the window down and he started his spiel. Scott rolled the window back up mid pitch and we drove away.
We think we found a couple to chose from, waiting now for the check to come. SIGH.
I honestly don't know how much longer I can handle this pain, I thought I could just deal until the surgery but after the weekend...hurting soo much, my days are consisting of waking up in pain, dreading that first step on the floor, walking around my house in pain pain pain, then taking a pain pill to go to bed. I don't want to see people, talk to anyone...just want to get to the 25th and get it over, that surgery has to work...I have to feel better. I can't live like this. UGH
Friday, July 13, 2007
July 25th
That is the date of my surgery. I have to go on the 23rd for pre op. I am nervous, but hopeful that this will be my cure all. I have faith in my doctor, he has such a great personality and seems very smart. He seems very concerned and feels he can really help me. I hope so, I pray so.
There has been so much going on lately, my life has been crazy. I think about why these things have happened. I wonder if God is testing us, if me starting to sing has ticked the devil right off and he is making things around me hectic. I have no clue about the why's. But...I do know God will take care of me...of us. He has a reason for everything and I have to cling to that.
I do know all my prayers about my family are being heard. I can feel my relationship with some family getting back to normal. Maybe better than normal...smiles.
Funny how I can accept things...to most would seem worse than infertility, but that is the one thing that until I am face to face with my God...I probably won't understand.
Dear Precious Lord, please forgive me for any shadows of doubt that has entered my mind and heart, forgive me for anything that might hinder my prayers. You are faithful to take care of me. Please be with my family as this turmoil continues, grant peace to each of them and let them see Your power to make things right. Jesus, be with Ellen as she works hard to take care of her bills, please give her a job close to her family so we can share our lives. If it be Your will dear Lord, please let a good Christian man come into her life and be the one she will share it with until You come to take us all home. Precious Saviour please touch Scott's back, let it be something they can fix with medications or therapy. Help us find the right car for us, help the insurance adjusters expedite all the paperwork so this ordeal is put behind us. Be with the doctors as they decide how best to take care of my back and other health issues. Ohhh sweet Jesus, please be with Leslie as she begins this new pregnancy, let it be a girl...she needs a girl Lord. Ease her morning sickness and give her that peace that everything will be fine. Make a way for us to get together soon, I need her...You gave her to me as a forever friend, one I can be myself with fully. Take care of Burt and Colin as well. Be with all my friends on FC, Clark has been sick Lord, touch his sweet ears. Robyn has been in the throws of buying a house, and also preparing for another IVF. Michelle, her and Jared are expecting really soon, You blessed them with this baby, make the delivery easy and the baby healthy. Shannon has been dealing with a lot lately, please let things settle down for her. Be with all the girls there, they deserve Your blessings Lord. Let them all know they can lean on You, let them see You through me Jesus. Grant Kari's desire to become a mother again, she is so faithful Lord, she loves You with all her heart and knows it is Your will that has to be done and in Your time. Be with Lily as she teethes again, give Misti and Brady all they need to comfort her and ease her pain. Lastly Lord, keep touching my sweet Mom, touch her lungs and let her get off the oxygen. Take care of Dad too, he is worried so much about mom. Dear Lord, I know I have asked for so much here tonight, but I know You can do it all and more. Thank You for all the blessings you have given to me, be with us dear Lord, strengthen us so we can better serve You. I ask all of this in Your precious Name....Amen
There has been so much going on lately, my life has been crazy. I think about why these things have happened. I wonder if God is testing us, if me starting to sing has ticked the devil right off and he is making things around me hectic. I have no clue about the why's. But...I do know God will take care of me...of us. He has a reason for everything and I have to cling to that.
I do know all my prayers about my family are being heard. I can feel my relationship with some family getting back to normal. Maybe better than normal...smiles.
Funny how I can accept things...to most would seem worse than infertility, but that is the one thing that until I am face to face with my God...I probably won't understand.
Dear Precious Lord, please forgive me for any shadows of doubt that has entered my mind and heart, forgive me for anything that might hinder my prayers. You are faithful to take care of me. Please be with my family as this turmoil continues, grant peace to each of them and let them see Your power to make things right. Jesus, be with Ellen as she works hard to take care of her bills, please give her a job close to her family so we can share our lives. If it be Your will dear Lord, please let a good Christian man come into her life and be the one she will share it with until You come to take us all home. Precious Saviour please touch Scott's back, let it be something they can fix with medications or therapy. Help us find the right car for us, help the insurance adjusters expedite all the paperwork so this ordeal is put behind us. Be with the doctors as they decide how best to take care of my back and other health issues. Ohhh sweet Jesus, please be with Leslie as she begins this new pregnancy, let it be a girl...she needs a girl Lord. Ease her morning sickness and give her that peace that everything will be fine. Make a way for us to get together soon, I need her...You gave her to me as a forever friend, one I can be myself with fully. Take care of Burt and Colin as well. Be with all my friends on FC, Clark has been sick Lord, touch his sweet ears. Robyn has been in the throws of buying a house, and also preparing for another IVF. Michelle, her and Jared are expecting really soon, You blessed them with this baby, make the delivery easy and the baby healthy. Shannon has been dealing with a lot lately, please let things settle down for her. Be with all the girls there, they deserve Your blessings Lord. Let them all know they can lean on You, let them see You through me Jesus. Grant Kari's desire to become a mother again, she is so faithful Lord, she loves You with all her heart and knows it is Your will that has to be done and in Your time. Be with Lily as she teethes again, give Misti and Brady all they need to comfort her and ease her pain. Lastly Lord, keep touching my sweet Mom, touch her lungs and let her get off the oxygen. Take care of Dad too, he is worried so much about mom. Dear Lord, I know I have asked for so much here tonight, but I know You can do it all and more. Thank You for all the blessings you have given to me, be with us dear Lord, strengthen us so we can better serve You. I ask all of this in Your precious Name....Amen
Ello...Mam, your car is totaled.. :(
Well, finally we have gotten some news about our car...and as the title of this post explains...it is totaled. SIGH. I hoped it would be really, I didn't want a nearly totaled car fixed up. But, it still is sad...we loved that car! Here are some pics:
My car...so pretty, before the wreckage...ugh, I loved my car!!!
My car...so pretty, before the wreckage...ugh, I loved my car!!!
So the adjuster called and told us it was totalled. It was in pristine shape before the wreck, and had a lot of options, so we have equity in it THANK YOU LORD! Means we have money for a down payment at least. We basically are breaking even. We are getting enough to pay off the loan and basically make the same down payment we made to begin with.
Still waiting to find out when my surgery is. I have called to tell them that I haven't heard anything...grr.
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