Sunday, September 28, 2008

Scott and Hope...

Sitting in a tree
First came love,
Second came marriage,
Then here comes Hope pushing...umm, well...nothing.

From the time of my first crush (Steve Penland a friend of my brothers...I was like 10 and he was like 25...but he was so cute!) Anyways - we all have had that said about us, we believed that is how it happens. I followed the rules dang it, where is my flipping baby carriage!?!

I have been trying, I have been praying. I want some peace until things are right to start our adoption journey. But then I have days like today or yesterday and I just feel my heart is broken and that every day it breaks a little more.

Friday we got Italy, we went to John and Lena's (our inlaws) and spent the night with her...and with the Chirsten and Caleb. Italy was fussy - first time being fussy with us. She is teething and had a little cold. But the no sleep and worry and her being high maintenance was worth it just to see her little smile the next morning when we woke up.

Saturday afternoon after the kids had left, I gave her a bath and was getting her ready to go home. John and Lena came into the bedroom and all four of us were hanging out with Italy passing her around basically. John was the biggest hit, she just laughed and cooed and flirted with was precious. John loved it too. I sat back tears teetering feeling the crushing weight of the realization that this isn't our time really. This isn't PawPaw John entertaining his granddaughter. This wasn't my baby hanging out with her daddy and MawMaw. This wasn't a memory to write down in her baby book. She isn't mine. Ohh I would love for her to be, you should see her!

When we took her home, I cried all the way there. I tell Kita and Brad about her cold and what we did for her teething. Then watched as they carried her into the house. I want to see her all I can, but the pain of giving her up after a few days is so hard. I swear I heard her last night and started to ask Scott if he would check on her. Lena even said she thought she heard her twice. I got in bed and finally had my true meltdown. Held by the best husband ever made. He wrapped me up and soaked up all my tears and fears and told me he loved me and for a short period of time all was right with my world. You have probably realized that I am a drama queen to a point - I cry at commercials sometimes!!

My daddy isn't doing well. He has always been a rock. He is a smallish man, but he was a giant in my eyes growing up and even up until the last month or so he was invincible. He had pneumonia a few weeks ago and was in the hospital for a week. He thought he was feeling better and they let him come home. He has been so weak. This man who took care of two gardens, plowing, planting, picking...he did it all. I saw him on Sunday and was concerned. So I went and spent the night with them on Tuesday night - they LOVED that by the way :). I watched him when he walked and after every step he trembled. He held onto things when he walked. He stayed in bed most of the day.

Will he know my children? He told me he was tired and didn't know how much longer he could do this. I told him he still had a lot to do for our Lord and he has to teach me his pickling tricks. He smiled and then I said and you got to hang around to teach my children how to fish, tell them stories about Jesus, how to make things much. He didn't say a word, he didn't look at me. I just snuggled up with him and silently cried. He couldn't hear me crying anyways - he listens to the TV at maximum volume...and ALWAYS on Fox News!

I am blessed to have such great in laws, I get comfort knowing our children will have them...but my dad and mom...*GASP* I never dreamed when I was K-I-S-S-I-N-G in the tree that I wouldn't get to push the carriage. I always pictured my daddy out on the boat showing our child how to put the worm on the hook, or how to put the minnow on so it won't flip off and catch a big ole crappie. I want memories made of them coming in with a huge haul - or one skinny catfish. My daddy knows the Bible and teaches so well, I want him to teach our child things that will form his faith and make his love for God be stronger than any love in their lives. WHERE IS MY CARRIAGE!?!?

sorry for a blah post

Maybe this will turn it all around. My daddy walks in from being outside. He has coaxed these two baby chicks (they have lots of hens and roosters and they have babies - such a sweet sound baby chicks) he has coaxed them to eat out of his hand. Well now they are bigger and they jump on his lap to eat. He goes and gets fancy parrot food! Well, I was laying on the couch with Italy sleeping and all of a sudden I hear this gurgle gurgle and I look up and there stands my poppy with a chicken in his arms smiling from ear to ear. I busted out laughing at him and mom saw it and of course she shooed him out with it. He feels like crap and still tries to make those around him dad ever.


  1. :( & <3 then :) praying for you , your dad, your hopes and dreams.

  2. Okay, I was holding it together until you got to the part about your Dad, then the tears came. I love my Daddy so much and I can't imagine not having him in my kids lives. I'll be praying for your Dad's health.

    Also praying for you and Scott. I know how badly you want this.

    It was so good to see a new post from you. I have been thinking about you a lot. Thanks for updating and don't apologize... sometimes we have those kind of days...the blah kind. It's okay to blog about those as well.


  3. Anonymous8:46 PM

    It's good to read your update, I've been wondering how you are doing. I don't think we realize all the parts of our lives that are affected by having a baby or not - like every part of our lives - and all of our family. Your nephews & neices are blessed to have such a loving aunt. The child(ren) destined to be yours will be blessed to have such a loving mother, who hoped & prayed for them such a long time. I am looking forward to the day when you are a mom, however it comes to pass.

  4. I am sorry for your struggle, friend. I SO know how you feel. I went through a period of about 6 months, where all I did was cry. I would cry when we left parties, cried when I went to showers, cried when I saw a baby in a stroller, on tv, etc, etc. I felt like I was a water faucet able to turn at a moment's notice.

    I love what you said about hubby holding you...and for that moment the world was right. I have had those same moments so many times. Thank God for good men. Truly.

    My only words of advice, are the same ones the Holy Spirit spoke to me, "Push through the pain." It sucks, it's not fair, but keep pushing through.

  5. Where in the fat world is your carriage anyway? *humph* Well all I know is when it comes, you have to share becasue I wanna push your baby too. :-) Huge hugs cuz I know you need it! (((((((huge hugs))))))

  6. I'm sorry to hear about your Dad....and your despair!
    I wish I knew what God had in store for you all! I do know that it will be for your best and His glory b/c you love Him!
    Hang in there!!! (((hug)))