Inquiring minds...

wanna know what Camera I am using. I am using the Canon Digital Rebel XT SLR...hoping Santa brings me the newest Canon for Christmas.

I LOVE it!

Ta Ta for now

I am bouncing in my seat - if possible. My heart just skips a beat every time I think of tomorrow.

Tomorrow - my parents and I hit the road.
Tomorrow- family will start trickling in from day to day.
Tomorrow- as we pull up into the drive way and daddy unlocks the house I will run (in my best and least painful run) to the back glass door, down the steps of the deck...down the familiar path that I can walk in the dark with no lights...down the wooden pier to the end and take a few deep breaths as I look out across the lake that my family has visited since I was about 10. (My father fished there with Roland Martin long before I was born).

I loved the beach, but there is something about this lake. Santee Cooper in South Carolina. Lake Marion to some. This is the true meaning of vacation. We used to stay at this judges house my dad knew, then dad met up with this woman called Gaynelle ( couldn't make that up if I tried!). She is a super sweet lady, she has a daughter named Little Gaynelle :p...still not kidding. She lives in a house with a helicopter pad, huge hunting land...just awesome. She has a house she rents out - mostly to hunters, but her and mom and dad hit it off and we started going there every year...two or more times a year. It isn't fancy by any means - the judges house was and it kind of made us all work harder to be neater and such. While we still like it clean, no one freaks out if you run in with sand on your feet or so excited about the crappie you just caught that you run through the house with it dripping a little :). It is homey, has a pool table for those rainy days or those way too hot days....also great for those 3 a.m. pool tournaments!! We have had more than 20 staying. There is a piano too and some of my favorite memories have been hearing Mark play the piano and make it sound in tune. Johnny too has that talent.

Mom and dad loved Santee so much they bought a house there, we all loved it. Then dad got sick and he sold it. But we always had the Clarendon Club! But we haven't been there really in almost 10 years I guess. We stayed at Johnny's place a few times...but nothing is like this house.

TV is just local chanels, it is 10 miles from the highway I think and unless you have your cell phone you don't have to worry about phone calls. I just can't wait.

I have packed enough yarn to knit and crochet a blanket to cover the house haha. Camera is ready to go too - I promise some pictures. I can't wait to spend some time with family and hopefully catch a few fish.

I will post soon as I get back! ((HUGS))

one of our biggest catches!! HOOOOGE catfish!

umm did I mention there are gators there and we swim in that water!?!?!

Brad and his big catch...that was about 15 years ago - aww

Daddy and Johnny in front of 'our' house...yumm at the fish fry!

you know you wanna be there too!!

I wish I were alone.

I wish that I were the only one in the world who prayed for God to answer my prayer tonight...you know that prayer about us having a baby.

I wish that it was just me who couldn't drift right off to sleep without sighing...thinking about the empty room down the hall.

I wish it were only me who got choked up seeing an old friend after a few years when they asked me about our kids.

I wish on every star above that I alone avoided the baby aisle like satan himself was going to jump out at me if I dared to turn my buggy in that direction.

I wish I were alone.

Why can't it just be me who gets that knot the size of Alaska in my stomach when mother's day approaches (father's day too)?

What I wouldn't give to be the one who smiled when the "We're pregnant" announcement was made...to just sneak out shortly to my car to let the stream of tears fall.

If it was just me there would be no need for IVF or reproductive endocrinologists, fertility clinics, fertility drugs, shots. Others wouldn't feel like they have road the 'wand' so many times they should get frequent flyer miles!

If it were just me, the pain wouldn't change. I still would feel empty. Whoever came up with the quote misery loves company should have put an asterisk there to say * except for people with infertility*. I wish that something silly or creative brought me together with these wonderful people I have met here and there. I am saddened that our first thread of communication started from pain that can't be described properly.

I wish I were alone.

I wish I were the only one who watched their husbands ache to be called daddy and it hasn't happened.
I wish it were just me who declined baby showers due to self preservation.
I wish it were only me who felt left out of the PTA, potty training, swimming lessons, 'family' time, and the spit up club where they wear it like perfume or something.
I want to be the only one who sees some stupid commercial and cries or some movie...heck even some cartoon movie like Meet the Robinson's (which I will deny to have watched more times than Officer and A Gentleman, Ghost, Pride and Prejudice all together...I can deny it this is my blog!).

I wish I were alone....

But I am not.

So many precious people I have met (here and in person) share this struggle.
I am not the only one who buys things here and there ... having the hope that one day our child will need this.
In that same respect I am not the only one who eventually gives it to someone when that faith wanes.
If on mother's day - all the tears from every woman longing to be celebrated as well were collected we could fill a few Olympic sized pools easily - I am not alone.
Even when we don't tell others, I know I am not alone in feeling almost like I am suffocating as Christmas inches closer and closer.
I am not the only one who has every intention of buying real gifts for the children in my life and sometimes stuff cash in a card and hand it over.
I am not the only one unfortunately who avoids the mall at Christmas like a man avoids the tampon aisle. This girl likes to shop, but my heart can't handle the lines of strollers filled with the cutest little faces all waiting to tell Santa what they want for Christmas.
I know that it isn't just me who bites her tongue (most of the time) until it bleeds when well meaning relatives (mostly old aunts for some reason) tell us "Just relax - don't think about it...your cousin's mother's uncle's nieces twice removed sister went on vacation and got pregnant...she relaxed". *For those times I can't bite my tongue I reply..."ummm Aunt Millie...her husband didn't go on vacation with her - he was in jail remember? When they get Valium for the ovary problem I have and it will help - lemme know!"

I am not alone.

I could list every person I know and have encountered that share this *ugh stuck for a word that can express it...sigh - nothing* sadness and it would take me all night and day and then some to put them all here. But you know you have some of those people who you just feel like you have joined elbows with and are walking on and on. And when one of us get discouraged and weak, tired, angry, confused, broken...we know that we are being carried by the others in our chain of elbows. We know that someone is lifting us up in prayer, just thinking about us, calling or writing...something. We all wish that no one had to experience this with us - that we carried this burden alone - we all wish it. *Wish in one hand and poop in the other - see which one fills up first...my brother in law says all the time* But we are here. Some days are better than others, some things we can handle and some things are so heavy we can't take another step.

So many have inspired me and carried me when they didn't even know it.

It is 2:30 in the a.m. Pillow is soaked, Scott is snoring, I gotta pee (sure you wanted to know that). (Pillow is soaked with tears...not pee - I know Burt would have said something smart about that!) I go tomorrow for the second nerve block, this one did good for about 2 weeks and it was like someone flipped a switch on Monday or so...and I am back to walking like the hunchback and saying 'oy' way too much. Pain meds aren't touching it; physically I am back where I was. But that ray of hope that I can have days where I can think outside of the pain, where I can drive, where I can make love *sorry Misti, Cara and other family...I know you really didn't want to know that*...that has helped me emotionally and mentally more than anything.

I have to have a beta done before they will do it, the meds and the fluoroscope can be detrimental to a baby. I would endure whatever pain I had to for them to come back and say we can't do the block you are pregnant. Which I know will not happen - Aunt Flow...Aunt Millies sister is visiting ha ha.

This is a crazy post I know. I was watching the clock and when it is all one number like 11:11 or 2:22 or 1:11 I say an extra prayer. It was 1:11 am and I started praying for family and friends, for Amanda and the craziness she is being put through, for Rebekah to fill up that beautiful nursery, for Robyn to not go through this next IVF and still be in the ranks of 'married - no children'. I had so many I was praying for and I asked God to just let me be alone in infertility land, I could take it. Lord - I can do anything with You in my life. Yeah, I knew that was like asking for a money tree to sprout in my yard with enough seedlings to start my own forest...don't ask for that tree...I have asked many times and I just don't think it is happening.

I should be in bed - well I am in bed but I should be asleep. Well it is 3:15 I better turn this off. If you got down this far - it isn't that I don't want you here...as in my life...I just wish you weren't HERE..you know...here where our arms are empty.

Random picture post...

I got a new lens for my camera and have been playing a little with it. I saw the cat in the yard and sat on the poarch and thought I would zoom in a bit. Aww he is licking his lips...how cute...NOT



Not so sweet...he has a MOUSE...poor thing, gross...I even yelled gross!

That is when he looked up at me like I was stealing his prize...ick

This a picture at the lake, the trees and water was so pretty - it was so warm that day...

This was another picture that day...wished I was out on that boat. This girl LOVES to fish!

The rest of these were just some random pictures I took here and there. I love this tree in our yard, the leaves are always magnificent!

I was taking some pictures of dads flowers and spotted this honey bee. He raises bees so I am sure it was one of his. Just loved catching it and the bumble bee too.

This picture was taken at Kobe's in Hickory after eating dinner there for Chirsten's 8th birthday. Aunt Shirley, Lena, Scott, Me, Caleb, Chirsten, John and Amanda. I am so blessed that Scott chose to share his wonderful family with me.

Little this and that...

The block afforded me the ability to go to the beauty shop! I haven't been able to really sit in the chair and lean back in the chair to wash my hair...so I got my hair cut, put on some make up and enjoyed my scalp massage!

The beach was amazing. Rest and a little shopping can nearly cure what ails ya!

I tried out my new lens and took this shot of the moon...soo much fun!

• first and foremost - Jubilee blessed my soul, spirit, heart...whew, all that and everywhere in between! The music was amazing, songs that speak right to where I needed some healing. The preachers preached right to me! My cup runneth over! 4 words impacted me the most...In EVERYTHING give Thanks!! I was 'not so gently' reminded that He puts things in my life for a reason - good or bad. For every bad thing there are two (or more) good things and that one bad thing gets more powerful and I forget to be thankful.
  
• Time with my mom was a balm like none other. I don't always have extra money to spend on her, but watching her eyes light up is worth it all. Snuggling up with her, talking to her about silly stuff or her favorite - God stuff. Laughing so hard with her that tears flow and sometimes even snot (I am sure you wanted to know that). Watching her getting lost in thought while staring at God's ocean. Hearing her sing How great Thou art softly. As a teen thinking that my life would be so much more fun when I get out of the house and away from mom...and now as a grown woman grasping for every minute to spend with her. Sitting with her in church, watching her eyes well up with tears and seeing them splash down her cheeks. Some people when God moves them praise the Lord, they raise their hands, stand up...my mother sobs, she cries like a baby...can't control it kind of cry - and that is me too!

• Time with my Aunt Louise and her daughter Lori and granddaughter Courtney was wonderful too. We are so much alike. We laugh with our whole bodies! Sometimes not even knowing what we are laughing at - but still cackling. Courtney and I are a lot alike too I think, she is silly and loves to make people smile and loves the Lord with all our hearts. She is a homebody too, she would rather be with family than anyone else in the world. We pulled pranks on each other and everyone else...including Scott haha. I really want to start spending more time with her.
  
Mom and Courtney...she is so sweet...well, they both are!



Courtney and me.




• The weather was divine...never below 70 and always sunny skies. The pools were warm and we swam outside and inside even at night. The dolphins were playing, kids running on the beach...so wonderful. The hotel was the best hotel ever. We had a 3 bedroom condo and it was perfect. The staff and food was great, and my only complaint was parking and all the golfers. Though mom made them fun too...we would get on the elevator with a group of them and the elevator would say..."This elevator is going down". My mom would giggle and say we might be going down now but one day soon Jesus is gonna be taking us up! I just don't know if those golfers knew what to say. She left gospel tracts everywhere.


• But the best was time with the Huggins. Colin and Jack Henry are dolls, Colin has grown up so much. He has such a great big vocabulary and he almost always uses full sentences. He would say I want to see the dragon, mommy or Guess what I want for Christmas Hopie. Ask him if he liked something and he would say Yes I do mommy....so cute. Him and Scott played a lot...they were so funny together. But hugging Leslie and Burt, spending time with them...having dinner, laughing and catching up was more than amazing. We couldn't get enough of them...they took us to the Mellow Mushroom for pizza - AHH best ever! Colin is in LOVE with Scooby Doo and he kept saying he wanted the doughnut Scooby Doo...I was like what?? FINALLY Leslie told me he wanted the grown up Scooby Doo movie. Burt couldn't find it so Scott went through the movies at Wal-Mart and found it - you should have seen his eyes. Ooo we love them so much.

This is Jack Henry...look at those eyes. He is such a good baby, Colin is so cute with him too!

Colin and I shared extreme air heads...super sour! We had fun. Oooo look at them eyes! I could just eat him up!
Leslie and Jack Henry...he looks so much like her. Gosh it was so good to just hang out!
Colin and Daddy Burt...he is such a good daddy but don't tell him I said so...as you can tell his head is big enough HAHA!

The best/worst part of the trip...goodbye hugs and lovin'. Scott just can't stop talking about Colin and how he has grown and how smart he is. Scott said his favorite cartoons as a child was Scooby Doo too! We love them all so much, Scott and I had our share of tears heading back to the hotel that night. Hating that we miss a lot with the boys. Praying for a child soon so they can sorta all grow up together. I learn so much from Leslie and Burt, they are such great parents and they have so many of the same styles and such we would love to use with our own children.

Scott and I got to spend some wonderful time together *wink*. We laid down in bed about 9 one night and fell asleep just snuggling and slept until 11 the next morning.

I really was wonderful, leaving was the worst part...I miss it all. But I came home with a smile, feeling more like me than I had in a LONG time. The block is wearing off but knowing there can be times without debilitating pain has renewed a lot in my heart.

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Ok...just got back from the doctor and he walked in, looked at his chart, looked back up at me then said Hope?? What's up with you?? You have had a hair cut, got make up on and wearing something other than sweats - AND you are smiling! I just laughed and told him how I felt better with the nerve block and that just knowing that there is something that will give me relief even if just for a short time has changed my whole aspect. I told him that the new doctor laid it out, didn't sugar coat anything...just said it how it is! He told me that the nerve was damaged, that there was scar tissue and inflammation and this was going to be something I deal with for the rest of my life. I guess that should have been upsetting...but I found relief in having something definite said to me. The false hope of well, maybe it will get better in a year, ... blah blah blah...that was so hard because every day I woke up saying ok Lord, is this the day?

The block has worn off pretty much but even that little bit of relief was enough to change - well let me be me again. I think it is next week I go for the next one. I never thought I would be excited to get stuck with a huuuge needle.

Just an aside...HUMMUS IS DELISH! I had never tasted it, and while at the beach we went to the Mellow Mushroom for pizza and tasted it and wowza! We loved their pizza too, we ate lunch there on the way home and though Scott said he would NEVER eat hummus again, I made him taste it and he ate more than I did - HE LOVED IT! So today we found a new place in Hickory Jason's Deli and it was the best salad bar EVER (I have capped a lot of words in the paragraph huh?). They also had red pepper hummus - slurp. Speaking of hummus, we stopped by Sam's and lo and behold they were sampling hummus! This cranberry hummus and the roasted red pepper...we bought both!

Ok gonna load up some pictures of the trip and post them for ya's. I really don't know what all I said in this post because I had to leave for the docs...will probably think of more later. This was really done the next day.

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Friday night we went with John and Lena to get some Christmas decos for the yard and some things for the kids for Christmas. Holidays are SO hard. Scott and I would have to visit the tile aisle to keep the tears from drowning us. (we were in Lowes - they have great decos) When we left in our car, I told Scott how I wished that along with Chirsten and Caleb - John and Lena were decorating for our children. They are such great grandparents and while I fear losing my own parents before my child knows them, I share that same fear about John and Lena. They are such a blessing to me, more than in - laws. I love them so much. I know that some don't have that blessing of a great set of in laws, I do. They treat me like one of their own. John is a big picker on-er. Him and I go at it 24/7 when we are together. I tell him he is my favorite father in law...haha he is my only.

This is Saturday and we had a great day. We woke up and went with John and Lena to Boone/Blowing rock and the shops on the parkway. It snowed some while we were there...so pretty. We found some great deals and I found a beautiful purse...red! I am usually a simple black or brown purse. My most favorite is my black Coach purse. But I saw this in the Bass outlet and had to have it. Tag said 84 bux...that is a bit for me right now and I just knew I wouldn't spend that on a purse while I wasn't working. Well, there was a sign that said 60% off...hmm that is getting better! I had a 5 dollar off coupon and also a 20% off coupon. The cashier let me use all three discounts and I got the purse for 27 bucks. I am so excited.

Bought the kids a few things, I could have lived in oshgosh. When we do have kids (notice I said when and not if) Scott is gonna have to keep the keys/credit cards/cash/bank cards/checks locked up somewhere... I LOVE shopping for my kiddos. Had a great time shopping for Colin and Jack Henry at the beach.

I am gonna hit send soon...it is 1:20 am on Sunday morning. I can't sleep so I thought I would finish this up.