you wake up and can feel it, smell it...still see it and almost feel it was real.
I dreamed last night...I don't usually remember my dreams especially when I am on pain medications.
In my dream, I lived in my uncle Wilson's old house. I don't know why...but that is where I came home to. Scott was away somewhere, it was like a week before he came home. I went to the hospital and gave birth to a baby boy. No one was there with me, I couldn't get anyone even Scott on the phone. I looked at this tiny 5 pound baby boy and had to give them a name right then, they couldn't wait for Scott to call or come. So I named him Henry John Alexander Lail. I know...Henry huh? My dads middle name is Henry. It was the next morning and I was ready to go home, but I didn't have a car seat, no clothes nothing. So, I ran out and bought one and some clothes and bottles and formula and then came back and picked up my bundle. I brought him home to Wilson's house. My best friend Leslie came to my house with Colin and she brought me pants lol. We talked and she gave me a baby shower from my old church and friends in Myrtle Beach. I loved showing him to people, I remember Scott coming home and I fussed at him for not being there. But then seeing him hold our baby was all it took to take away the anger. Todd stayed with me that week while Scott was gone, he put me a dishwasher in saying I needed to be able to sterilize those bottles and such.
I remember mom coming by once in the dream, but never daddy. Burt was always working, never got to see him, but Leslie was with me all the time it seemed. The last thing I remember was Leslie helping me give him a bath, then me holding him so close, smelling the baby smells...when I woke up this morning...I tried to hold my eyes tightly closed trying not to lose that moment...I could still smell the baby shampoo, I could still feel the soft towel with him in it in my arms....Ohh I didn't want to let go....still now I am holding my eyes tight trying to get that feeling back. I have been in my own little world all morning...trying to remember every detail of that dream....I don't know how I can let it go....even the pain in my back and legs aren't distracting me. I opened email and there were pictures of a friends baby...and that just made the pictures in my dream flood back in.
This is the second time I have dreamed this dream....not all the same, but the same intensity of when I woke up, the same day full of hugging pillows, closing my eyes trying to make myself sleep to dream of him again. It didn't work last time...by the next day the dream was distant and the pain of my empty arms eased. Right now though, these empty arms make the pain....all the pain I have had this last month in my back pale in comparison.
I don't know why God would let me dream like this, letting me wake up with empty arms. I hope, I pray that maybe He let me dream of something soon to come. I have to hold on to that reasoning...as anything else would be cruel. My God is not a cruel God.
Dear Lord, please let this dream come true, forgive me of anything in my life that might hinder this prayer. God, You alone are the miracle maker, You can make my dream come true, You can help me make Scott a father. Dear Lord, please touch my womb, heal my ovaries, make it so that we can be fruitful and raise a child that loves You and will live in Your light, Lord I promise if You give us a child we will give him back to You to do Your will and be a light in this world of darkness. Sweet Savior, please bless Leslie with an easy healthy pregnancy. She loves You, she serves You, her children will be brought up knowing You. She is precious Lord, she loves me and has been the friend you have sent to be there, to talk to, to share YOU with. Dear Lord, Michelle just had Lilliana and she is so sweet, keep her healthy and take care of Michelle as she heals from the delivery and as she discovers all the wonders of being a new mother. Kari Lord, You know her well, she is one of Yours, she has the same desire as I do, give her that wish Lord, Her and her husband Rich have recommitted to each other and to You, I pray Your will is giving them this child. Please put a hedge of Angels around Jami and CJ, he is out of town for almost a month and she is home alone with the twins and her older 2 children. Keep them all safe, give them peace and let these days go by so fast. Be with Shannon as she plans her wedding, her and Steve deserve every happiness. Dear Lord, Laura just got the suprise of her life with finding out she is pregnant again. Be with this pregnancy and give her every joy of motherhood once again. Be with Christina and Josh and their baby girl as they travel to Florida, give them safety and let them have fun. Be with Jennifer as they finish this house to sell, let it sell fast and with the profit they need. Carla has been sick for so long, please give her doctors discernment to fix what is wrong and to do it swiftly. Dear Lord, she is trying to have a baby as well, answer her prayers and make her dream a reality, and if it is Your will Lord, bring her home to the states to her family. Ohh Dear Lord my dear friend DeeDee has her hands full with the twins, and her husbands constant pain. Let the doctors fix his neck and help them with their finances, I know that You can do all of this for them. Robyn is about to go through IVF again, during the stress of buying and redoing the house. Give her peace and let this baby stick. My family Lord, there is so much I could pray for for my family. Little Tom called and he had to have a kidney removed, please keep him and Anjel safe and healthy. Give us the time and finances to go out and visit him with mom and dad. Maybe Tommy will even go. Take care of Scott as he drives so much, please Lord give him a job closer to home. He needs this Lord, his back is hurting so much and the driving is really making it worse. Please Lord, give him a closer job. Be with mom and dad, they are so faithful to You Lord, keep them safe and healthy in the palm of Your hand. Heal my back, give me relief and give me my life back. Direct us to a church, I long for that family feeling we had in Myrtle Beach, something close to that Lord, we need it for so many reasons. I ask all these things in Your precious name Jesus, Amen.