Tears...different kinds but they still make my eyes hurt!

I caught up on reading a couple blogs I follow and read this letter. It is amazing, as is this family!

http://www.mycharmingkids.net/2009/01/letter-to-stellan.html

Then Kari sent me a link to this blog. WOW, my heart hurts.

http://www.half12.blogspot.com/

Please join me in praying for Tuesday, for peace for it to be as easy as going to sleep in her mothers arms and waking up in God's.

will post more about my birthday tomorrow, my heart just isn't in it right now.

I'm not 40, I'm 18 with 22 years experience!

THEN...awww

and NOW

Turning 40 had made me think of where I was, where I am. Scott and I celebrate our 19th wedding anniversary next month and it is hard to remember life before him. He is my rock. I have wonderful family that are there when I need them. Friends that accept me faults and all.

I was saved when I was 6, but honestly I really feel like my walk didn't start until after Scott and I married. I mean, I knew I was saved, I went to church, I prayed, I didn't go crazy sinning...but something about having someone walking with me made it more substantial. Then ours really grew when we joined our church in Myrtle Beach.

I have regrets, I have things I wish that I never had to go through, hind sight is 20/20 no doubt.

I know sometimes I feel like my arms are empty - no baby. But there are times they are over flowing. Scott can make me forget about everything. I have children in my life that make me feel loved and needed. I haven't gave up on my child, never will until God tells me to.
But other than knowing I need to get my license renewed today...I feel the same.
I know Scott and I are spending the evening together - just us. He rubbed a gift under my nose all night and then had the nerve to take it with him to work so I wouldn't peak....how rude!!

Yesterday my family called wishing me a happy birthday. That meant so much.

so 40...where did it all go? It went spending time with family and friends hugging, fishing, laughing, praying, crying, eating, loving, fussing, making up, shopping, living, eating, learning, going to church, reading, driving to santee or the beach, fighting, having parties and yes - eating...our family is one crazy eating any chance they can together family. Looking forward to the next 40!

I had asked for prayers for my sister, and she is in surgery right now. Dad called and said the biopsy they did showed cancer. They are taking both ovaries. They are cutting down to tissue that isn't cancerous. Her name is Debbie, please keep her in your prayers.

We got snow! Very little, but it snowed. It was so pretty while it lasted.

Nothing much else going on in my fabulous life. Nothing exciting that is. Just the same ole same ole. Well, that and 7 more days and I will be 29 again :)...ok maybe not 29 but it is my blog and that is how old I will be here foreva!

BRR...new church

Haha...not that it was cold in the new church...

Brr...been way cold! I think we got down to 4 degrees the other night...I know, that isn't as cold as other places but 4 degrees for NC is rare. It was up to 40 today but the fountain uptown is still frozen. Had to take a picture. This fountain is in front of the old Waldensian Church in Valdese, NC.


This is the sweetest girl around playing with the ice...scaring her mawmaw to death while she hung over the side to pick up the ice out of the pool.

We visited a new church today - Tri City Baptist. The pastor was out on vacation and the associate pastor preached. (This or something similar happens a lot to us, the last church we visited the pastor retired the Sunday before!) The associate pastor was great though, if the pastor is as good as him we will be impressed. The choir was awesome, they have an orchestra which was so cool too. The church is bigger than any we have ever attended. Grand Strand in Myrtle Beach was big, but this one is about twice the size. That fact alone made me hesitant, but people were so friendly and they made you feel very welcome.

I am picky about the music where ever we visit. I like contemporary music but I also like hymns too. So far every church we visited has been either one or the other...this one was blended like our church is in Myrtle Beach...so YAY! The church has a casual feel to it too, I don't mean jeans and t-shirts but not all the men wore suit and ties and the women didn't all wear hats and super dressy dresses.

They had two young people get baptized today. They received the Lord at the Christmas performance. I love a church that you can hear the shouts of Amen and praise the Lord's! So far there isn't anything we didn't like. We didn't go to Sunday School, that will be next time.

The sermon was great. He preached on the sanctity of life. I don't want to start a debate, but he spoke on abortion. I was rattled by the statistics. Almost 4000 babies are killed every day. He spoke about the arguments that pro-choice people use to prove their points. He outlined 5, but this one really made me sit back and think.

The baby was created during rape or incest. Or that the birth of the baby will danger the mother's health. I am sure that things like that happen but I didn't realize that these reasons account for only 5% or less of all abortions! MOUTH AGAPE! He told that if we thought these babies should be aborted that we would never had Ethel Waters who sang His eye is on the sparrow...her mother a very young (13 I think he said) was raped by a much older white man. What if she had aborted her baby!? He gave a few other examples but this is an emotional subject for me obviously, and I had to try to think of something else for a few minutes to advert the tears. Didn't work of course, but it did make me lose track.

Scott was teary too, but for a different reason. Caleb and Chirsten went with us to church (as did my in laws). About half way through the service Caleb crawled up in Scott's lap, wrapped his little arms around Scott's beefy neck and went to sleep. Just before he drifted off he said Scott was softer than a pillow :). When we get in the car, I told Scott...Honey, just think if he loves you this much how much your own child is going to love you. You woulda thought I pinched him...he sobbed and said Caleb will always be like a son to him. He would give his life for either of them, he loves them with all that he is. I can't imagine ... I really can't imagine how that love could be more for his own children.

Chirsten wanted Red Lobster, and they get what they want from their paw paw. Caleb hasn't let Scott get out of his sight all day. He begged for us to stay the night with him here at the in laws and Scott would not say no for anything. They have been joined at the hip. Scott plays online video games with people and they talk on something where they hear each other, and Scott and Caleb played. He let Caleb talk to the 'guys' and you should have heard them. I stole the lap top for a bit to do this and they are crashed on the bed playing x-box now. I tried to play with Caleb the other day...some racing game. I won and Caleb looked at me and said so matter of factly.."Uncle Scooter lets me win!" HAHA.

This is a couple of pictures from Christmas...Best buddies!


I have been feeling pretty good since this last block...except for some crazy nausea. You know what nausea says to a girl with infertility! I wouldn't think twice about it - BUT...with my back feeling some better we umm..well, I umm...let's just say Scott doesn't feel quite as deprived as he had been *blush*!

I am not delusional, even though all the 'dancing' happened mid cycle with optimal CM...so who knows. God fed the masses with fish and bread, turned water into wine and raised the dead...He could just as easily make a miracle in me! He already has, when he forgave my sins and came into my heart. Wooo hoo gonna start shouting next *smiles*.

Be praying for my half sister, she has surgery next Wednesday for a mass on her ovary. She is in her 50's so she doesn't need the ovary but who wants surgery!?! Also, my brother in laws baby is due soon. I am not sure of the date, but I think it won't be too far away. There are some family issues going on but Scott and I do pray that everything goes smoothly and the baby and mom are healthy.

I gotta catch up on my blogging and catch up on reading. I guess this is it for now. I am gonna have to run some boys out of the bed! Chirsten and I snuggled up and she was almost asleep in my lap.

Oh lemme tell you this. I have to take insulin and Lantus. She gave me both of my shots tonight. She wants to be a doctor or a vet when she grows up and she didn't even hesitate. She did great too. She is 8, I just love her ... ooo so much.

Have a great night ya'll.

Last nerve block...thank God!

Tomorrow I go for my last nerve block for my back. We are also scheduling the appointment with the surgeon to discuss/plan for the stimulator. Pep asked what that was so I will explain. It is a small implant that goes under the skin with leads that go to the spine at the place where the nerve is causing the pain. It give off a current that blocks the pain from getting to the brain. It is a gentle tingle that is continuous. The one we are talking about has a remote control of sorts that increases/decreases the intensity. I can't drive with it on, and he said most turn it off at night - the tingling he says can be a little too much for sleep. It is along the lines of a pacemaker of sorts I guess.

I have to have a psychological evaluation before they will do it...lol, guess that might rule me out huh? The doctor said that it is not something they just do. I have had 3 back surgeries and I am still in pain, possibly more than before. He called it failed back surgery syndrome...hmm.

Scott and I said we weren't gonna weigh but on the first of every month...but I am addicted to the scale! I have lost 3 pounds!!! wooot. All we have changed is no soft drinks, I haven't even had a diet one. I think all that sodium out of my diet is helping a lot.

Scott works with a lady that adopted one child a while back and is about to adopt two more. He is going to get more information from her and who she went through. He said he thinks she went through the foster system. We will see.

Guess that is it...except 21 more days until I reach the top of the hill and start the rapid slippery slide down it. UGH I knew I couldn't stay 29 forever.

Ya'll have a great night, thanks for all the prayers...peace surrounds me more and more. We are visiting a new church on Sunday...I am excited really. I have felt pulled to this church for a while, but it is a bit away...maybe 30 minutes, but if that is where He wants me....zoooom zoooom zooooom!

New year...renewed Hope

After all the crazy emotions of the holidays - ya'll know the ones - I feel refreshed in a sense. We have set some goals for this year, and we made some resolutions for the year. Things that are reachable, things that we need to change or happen in our lives. We feel good about it.

We also talked about what direction to go in to expand our family. We are getting our ducks in a row and then hopefully by March or April we will go full steam ahead. One of our ducks being...

HEALTH...we are both over weight, we both want to lose enough weight to be able to run around after a child. Also I hope to get the spinal stimulator put in soon so I will be in less pain and be able to run around too!

My birthday is this month...the big 4-0. SIGH I know as it gets closer it will hit hard. Where did time go?? I just feel like the last 10 years have flown by while I am still 29 going through even more fertility treatments...realistically expecting a child way before I was 40.

But, my hope is renewed...we both feel like this is going to happen soon. We know that God wants us to be happy. There have been some other things that happened in our lives that make us really feel like something is about to finally happen.

I have a lot of catching up to do. I haven't done much of anything online lately, I have had so much family drama going on and have really not been feeling great lately - physically and emotional. But I am better.

The holidays were hard for many reasons. Aunt Flow visited and that makes me so hormonal. I miss my brother Mark so much at holidays. And now our family misses Chris. He hasn't passed away, he isn't dead...though he has said we are dead to him. None of it makes sense. God just opened my eyes that I can't change any one's mind that doesn't want to be changed. Even though he is hurting his entire family - I can't make him care. All I can do is pray for him and his new family. Thank God for the children's mother (not his wife)...she gives us time with the children; that alone takes the edge off of the pain. Those two wonderful children make all the stress and grief worth it. Just please pray for him and our family. He is out of church, pray that God convicts him and he finds his way back into God's will.

Finally got my blogger template updated...not my favorite but I like it.