Monday, February 04, 2008

I was a cute baby....

The last few days have been long...more pain lately than I have had in a while. I have been trying to cut back on pain medications for a couple reasons. First, addiction is something that has always scared me - I totally fear dependency on pain meds. My brother had this addiction and it eventually took his life. is hard to gauge pain when I am consistently on pain medications. Ok, it is gauged and my nurse called and said that letting the pain get out of control and then taking more than needed is how the majority get addicted. Taking scheduled doses, keeping the pain tolerable is necessary to keep me sane - (no comments on the sane part). Also, pulling back on the meds has increased my blood pressure and sugars. SO, back on schedule.

Unfortunately, I did this at a time when my mom needs me. Today she went to the ER with a heart rate of 32-34. VERY short of breath and weak. When she got hooked up to the monitor a doctor who had been looking at the screen at the nurses station came flying in with pads to shock her!! But, mom was coherent and talking so...they put on an external pacemaker and she is having a real pacemaker put in tomorrow morning. I am trying to get through this pain and unsure how I will take care of her. I guess the words of my niece will kick in..."I am not an island!!" I am just so use to being the one - ya know!?!

Still no period, makes me angry - no period no new cycle. I guess that should be kinda a good thing...means no 2ww and no obsessing. I have my screen saver doing a slide show of pictures on my computer. I was sitting here watching it and some old pictures I scanned were on there. One came up was me as a baby....oh maybe 2 months old. I can't help but get emotional, seeing my baby face and slowly coming to the realization that I may never see my nose on our baby, that little whisp of hair sticking out of the cap I was wearing. January is gone, 11 more months to get pregnant then we stop trying. I typed that and throat hurts trying to keep the tears from falling!

the pic...

My devotion today was about how God knew today long before it happened. He knows the path laid out for us and knowing that HE knows should really be enough to make us have the faith that everything is working for our good. I wondered how could I ever doubt that even in the midst of the most horrific pain in my life, He still has plans for ME … plans to prosper ME and not to harm ME, plans to give ME a hope and a future. Isaiah 54:10 For the mountains shall depart, and the hills be removed; but my kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the LORD that hath mercy on thee. He promised, I believe!

Then my perspective took a change. I read a blog by a husband and wife, struggling with infertility - did IVF, pregnant with triplet girls. Long story short, they just lost them and my heart just tightened up like it was my own personal pain times 10! I don't know how they will handle it all, I prayed hard for them. They have a wonderful relationship so I know they will be ok in time. But here I am, doing my self pity thing...thinking my issues are so horrible. Then, I read that and I am blown away. My problems are grains of salt comparatively. I am really going to try my best to see the good things every day, maybe if I concentrate on the good things in my life - the bad things won't be so huge.

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1 comment:

  1. I hope your mom pulls through. Hang on to your faith, if God says He'll be with us through the waters and the fire, that means we will probably be going through some of each :) Not the cheeriest of thoughts but...