DMS'ing

*DMS...During Menstrual Syndrome


I have started to post several times. LET ME WARN YOU AHEAD OF TIME - I HAVE MY PERIOD...whoremoans are running wild through my system!

I can't get this girl out of my mind. I am calling the mother tomorrow to hopefully get her for the weekend.

*More common opinions given by others:
-You will get too attached and then she might leave.
-You don't know what kind of people they are.
-You don't want to get involved with this situation.
-Why not just call social services and let them take care of it.
-You have so much on your plate...are you sure you can handle this?
-She will break your heart.

I heard them, my head was spinning so fast after meeting her and hearing the things this little 4 year old girl had to say. From an hour after meeting her she was calling me mommy and the kids were her brothers and sisters.

After a while the mommy thing didn't startle me as much.
This little girl didn't know me, she didn't know the emotions I would feel having that coveted title replace my name.

I thought about what everyone had to say. Every morning I wake up and she is the first thing I think about. I wonder if she has breakfast, if she got to take a bath and put on pretty clothes. I may be obsessing but I don't think so.

My heart is open to her. I am not trying to be her mother. I am not trying to save her from this horrible family life...well, I guess sorta I am.

I just think that having the mind set that I would get attached, my heart will break is selfish. For me...not saying everyone would be, but for me...it would be selfish. What if God said...I can't send my Son to die for their sins because it will break My heart.

I don't think this will be a long term situation. This child has parents - granted one is in jail and the other ... well, I just don't feel right putting that out there. I feel she will be moving back to where her family lives. Even if I don't get to see her again - she has the memory of a great day with me and my family. Maybe she won't forget that.

So, despite some well meaning advice, I hope to get her Friday night through Sunday. I don't think she has ever been to church so I plan on taking her.

Pray for me - it will be hard.
My heart will probably break.
I know I will get attached.
I know that Scott will love her too.
I know the possibility of never seeing her again.

I know that someone loved me enough to take a chance.
I know that God has turned me every which way to show me this is the right thing to do.
I know that she will enjoy every thing she experiences with us.
I know that I want her to see the love of God through us.
I want her mom to know that I am not trying to take her child, just wanting to give her some love and nurturing she is not getting right now.
I know, without a shadow of doubt that God is wanting me to do this.

Pray for her and her baby sister and her older sister and the baby that the mother is carrying.

I am going to try to be more consistent in blogging. I have lost track since Italy has been in my life, she is with me quite a bit and when she is here...I can't take my eyes off of her. She is uber special to me.

I woke up this morning saw a news story about a local girl that was lost being found - I cried.
I watched part of a soap opera - I cried.
Stupid commercial came on - I cried.
My friend Leslie calls me and we hang up - I cried.
I went to her facebook page and saw the pictures of her, Burt and the boys - I cried.

Unfortunate for me, the last cry wasn't alone. Scott came in and thought someone had died or something. I couldn't even talk at that point. I miss them so much and I see what I am missing out on with the kids and they are growing up with out me. I miss my friend *GRRR CRYING AGAIN*. Scott hugged me asking me to tell him what was wrong - he was almost in tears thinking something horrible had happened. In that ugly crying voice I bellowed..."I HAVE MY PERIOD!" He had the kahunas to LAUGH at me. What was he thinking?

I had a long talk with my niece, I can't tell you how much it means that we are getting back to talking to each other and enjoying every minute. Yep...love her.

There are some things going on with Scott and I that has put our adoption plans off a little longer. When they kind of settle down I will tell more and we will hopefully get back on track. I called the social worker and told her I would call her next month to reschedule.

I have thought about the people I have met her a lot, I keep ya'll in my prayers and even if I am not here I am praying for you.

Thank you...and a request...

Thank you all for the encouragement - you are all the best!!

I will post more later...

I met this little girl...kind of random, my brother's van ran over her...she is more than ok in that aspect...Thank GOD the van straddled her and she got a bump and some hair on her head scraped off.

Last minute my brother asked me to take her swimming with the kids and I said yes - even though I was sure her mother...not knowing me from Eve probably wouldn't let her go. Without hesitating and with very little communication (a sentence at most) she sent me out the door with her 4 year old little girl. The mother is pregnant and has a 1 year old...she also has an older child but she is not with her.

I will post more about little Memphis when I feel more comfy about it. Just really pray for her and her mom and family. Pray for me .. that the Lord will give me answers and a clear path. My heart is breaking for her and I think I know what to do and then I don't.

This is her...the picture doesn't do her justice.

Bam

The weekend was a long one. We were coerced into staying Friday night as well with the in laws. Caleb and Chirsten were staying and all Caleb had to do was say...Uncle Scooooooter *smiles*

When the highs come they are so great, dulls the memory of the low times. Scott and I are so full when we have the kids with us, for the last month or so we have barely had a day without someone being with us.

Last night the low came - I guess a low, we sat alone in our car. No car seats. No singing. No laughing. No are we there yets. No fighting. Silence.

We had just left my moms and were about 10 minutes from home. I don't even remember what Scott said to trigger it but the flood came.

Nothing could stop it.

He apologized for saying something about our lack of children, expressing how sad it makes him as well and POW right in the kisser!

He said I am sorry for making you think about it.

Tears streaming, we passed a sign for the fair. We passed a huge tree. We passed an ice cream shop. We passed a car place that had old hot rods.

Everything triggers a thought. I won't be taking our child to the fair, won't be putting up a tire swing anytime soon in a big tree, no sharing a triple decker ice cream and no sharing Scott's love of old cars with our child. I truly believe it is coming - if I didn't I don't think I could function really.

False hope? This is one time where I think any hope is better than none.

I told him not to be sorry, I don't think there is an hour in the day that something doesn't remind me I am Hope, wife, sister, daughter, friend, aunt...not a mom. He talked about having Caleb and how he just hung on everything Scott had to say. He wanted to know how to play this video game and he sat up on Scott's lap and unlike most kids...watched and drank it in while Scott actually played the game and describing the how to's. UGH

The most random things open those thoughts up.

We sat in the car for about 20 minutes after getting home talking about it. He doesn't say how he feels about it much, but he let it all out last night. He cried, he talked about it and I realized he thinks about it as much as me...he is just a little more manly and doesn't let it get to him I guess.

The last thing he said is that he thought about how if we had a baby when we first started trying they would possible be graduated from high school. They would possibly go to the college he works at. They would be so proud to have him as a father.

What ifs suck!

What if we had a child when we started?
Would we have moved around so much?
Would we have been healthier?
Would I have had all my problems if I had a child that kept me active and healthy?
Would we have moved to Myrtle Beach? *the thought of never meeting Leslie makes me cringe!*

WHAT IF!?!?!

But, we are here.

We are madly in love, have crazy but great families, beautiful friends and have finally became thankful for the babies in our life. We can't get enough of them. We are seeking His will. We are just us, but praying for a bigger us. We are trusting in His plan. As painful as the waiting is, as heart wrenching it is to give back the kids, as hard as it is to sit in an empty house...we are trusting in Him. Even though we shed tears and cry out that we don't understand...we are at His feet feeling His hands on our head comforting us saying I love you, I have a plan, trust in Me.

What is your biggest trigger to make you remember the emptiness?

So much to say ... so little time

I have got multiple posts to post, just can't fit it all in today.

Still need to post about our trip to the orphanage my mother grew up in.
Need to post about Friday night at the Waldensian Festival in Valdese. If you know what beach music is, shagging (the dance not the act :p)...my brother got the Tams there to play...was AWESOME!
Need to post about some other things too...

BUT, I have pulled a muscle in my shoulder (assuming that is what it is) and it hurts like crazy. Been doing ice and heat and it is easing up some.

I will post a little about today since it is fresh in my mind and there are no pictures to add to it.

I had Italy today, aww. But, I really wasn't sure how I would do with this stupid (insert your favorite explicative here)shoulder! Misti came over and helped a lot, she fixed lunch and while Lily and I did a scrapbook she cared for Italy. At one point Misti had them both in her arms bouncing lightly on a big exercise ball and put them right to sleep.

Shortly after Misti got here it was all I could do to hold back one of those ugly, nose running, face exploding, loud...did I mention ugly cries. When she had Lily I had thought I would have been pregnant around that time too. I pictured her and I taking them on walks, changing diapers and feeding them...laughing when one of our children burped or tooted. But here we sat on separate couches changing diapers, her with her beautiful children and me with another child that isn't mine. I think the pain of not having a child is gone sometimes but maybe it really isn't.

Ok, just had that ugly cry.

SIGH

I can close my eyes and see me with Lily and Italy and Simon...God I will make a great mom I promise, let me prove it to you please....ugly cry continued.

The shoulder is why I haven't been on really and it is crazy how much I think about fellow bloggers and things I want to say when I can't get on really. Typing one handed has taken about an hour to type this much.

We are going to my mother in laws tomorrow for the night - canasta night with the ladies from her church.

love to you all

I am still alive...I think :)

What a weekend!



Sunday morning we got up, got dressed with all intentions of going to church...we got in the car about half way there and I realized the clock said 11:23 and we were still about 10 minutes away. So I decided that we would not go into the service and interrupt everything...so we all went back home and got out of our church clothes and put our picnic/swimming clothes on. We stopped at mom and dads and picked up Lisa, Corey and Shay and Cara and Brad along with their families created a caravan to the lake.

It was so fun listening to the conversations between the kids. Corey and Caleb had met before but it had been a long time ago. Chirsten and Shay just met and got along really well. Chirsten is 7 1/2 and Shay is 8.

They all were so much fun, wanting to know how many minutes til we get there, how much should they count...I immediately thought of that movie - are we there yet haha.

Scott was a champ. When we got there and finished our picnic lunch he got in the water and stayed there the whole time with the kids. He tossed and swam with them all. He was the diving board, the holder of goggles, the retriever of water balls, my eagle eye...he was awesome. He enjoyed them so much.

Brad and Caleb became quick friends, they were inseparable most of the time.

The babies were so cute, Ida slept most of the time but Italy did get her toes in the water. Illan was a little apprehensive but I think he finally decided he liked it. All of the kids listened to us, behaved so well...It really was a stress free outing.

We get home and the girls take a bath and we all make our own pizzas and made super chunky chocolate chip cookies. They had a blast.

Corey is such a sweet kid, he is super competitive...when playing the x-box if he was losing he wanted to change games haha. He has these amazing blue eyes and a wild imagination. He has an endless supply of energy too. He gave me hugs which I LOVED! I loved having time with him and hope to get to spend more time with him soon. I felt so sad for Little John though, he said I was the first family member to want to take Corey for the day and Corey is 5 now. I had to apologize to him for my distance as well, explaining how raw the feelings and emotions are when you can't have a child. It is amazing how the decision to adopt has started to heal those.

Shay is Little John's girlfriends daughter. She is 8 and a talker! At first she said she didn't want to spend the night with us, she had only met me once before. I told her she could make her mind up after we went swimming. While we were out in the water together she swam up to me and said...well, I have been thinking and I think I do want to spend the night with ya'll. *SMILES* She was a great kid, her and Chirsten helped me with the baby a lot. She is a cutie pie too!

Caleb, oh what to say about him. He is such a sweetie. He says the cutest things and has an infectious laugh. He came in to the bedroom the first night and said...You know, uncle Scooter isn't fat..he just has a big belly...haha. He slept between Scott and I and he would put his hand on my face so softly just touching it. Then he would sit up and lean against one of us and just drift off to sleep. He is so well behaved and played so good with all of the other kids. Every once in a while he would run to find me and hug me telling me he loved me and then once he said he wanted to make sure I was ok and that I knew he wanted to spend time with me too...just the kids were so much fun haha. He took up with Bradly right off too, I am glad. I could just eat him with a spoon!

Chirsten is that sweet little girl that wants to help do everything. She helped so much with Italy and helped keep the kiddos in line. She wanted to love on the cats so much and they just were not having much to do with it. She has such an imagination and is super smart. She is becoming independent, I miss those days when she needed help to do this or that. She loves Scott so much, she wanted to sleep with me so Caleb was sleeping with Scott. Well, when he got tired he wanted to snuggle with me...aww. Then Chirsten didn't want Scott to sleep alone so she slept in the big chair beside our bed so Scott could sleep with us. She has a super big heart. She loves her brother so much too, she is protective of him. Though Chirsten did buy slime...and it is on everything in my living room ... accidents happen! She was so scared she was going to be in bad trouble...but looking at her with that toothy grin, I couldn't be mad at her!

Italy was awesome as usual...gosh that baby is too precious!

Monday evening came and it was time to let the kids go home. Brad took Shay to her dad's and we had the rest in our car. He also took Italy home which made me sad of course, but I had to hold it together for the rest of the kids! We took Corey to his dad and Little John and Tamara were both so sweet and thankful for spending time with their kids.

Then we headed to take Chirsten and Caleb home :(. We get half way there and Caleb had to pee...and when he has to pee you better stop cuz you got about 2 minutes before there is trouble! Scott pulled over on interstate and let him pee...was funny. I made a little video of them as we were going home. They are so cute...



Then we went to John's work to let the kids give him so loving...plus we had him some apple cobbler. I told them to hide in the back seat (third row) and we would have PawPaw John open up the back telling him that what we brought him was in the back. Chirsten said..."We might give him a heart attack!" I told her nooo, he would love it. She then said..."But he is old-old!" HAHA I took that video too...



Caleb was crying when we took him home, he said he wanted to go back home with us but his daddy wanted to spend the day with them today so they couldn't. I think he wanted to go to his pawpaws too. It broke our hearts to leave him, but we knew we had to. Scott and I got in the car and both of us broke down, hugged and cried how much we loved them and that we want to spend more time with them. We wish they were ours...they are such great kids.

Today I slept until 10, woke up and ate breakfast took my meds then fell asleep in the chair! I got back in bed and slept until 5:30!!! I had a lot of pain but I would do it over and over to spend time with all of them. It was hard to come home and the silence was deafening. I loved the sound of running, yelling and playing floating through our house. It felt right, it felt normal...it felt wonderful.

I am tired, sore, broke (who knew 5 kids would cost so much!), have a messy house, empty frig, finger prints on everything, cheerios EVERYWHERE, pair of kids shorts, one kid sock and a bottle.

I am all of that and more...but I would do it all over again, anytime. It was an amazing time.

Thanks for your prayers...I know you prayed for me, I made it through it all!! WOO HOO!

Here are pictures to the lake...enjoy! I decided to post them to another blog so if you don't want to see pictures you don't have to see them :)

Say a lil prayer for me...

Ok, if you guys don't hear from me by Tuesday morning...you might wanna send a search party, or you can call the local mental Hospital - Broughton in Morganton - I will be there.

Why? So glad you asked.

Well, for the last two weeks I have been trying to plan a weekend with Chirsten and Caleb before school gets started. I also wanted to have a play date with Chirsten and Lily. Things went this way and that and finally we all had some firm plans.

Today after taking mom to the orphanage she grew up in, we came home and headed to get the munchkins. I called and Chirsten answered. She asked with much anxiety...Hopie...when are you comin to get me!? *heart melted*

I told her I was on my way.

*insert first witty comment from her* I am so glad you are coming soon, pawpaw has been grumpy all day and has been a butthead! We did have a lil talk about saying butthead on the way home.

So we get there and after a little snafu with the booster seats we finally got on the way home about 8. We went to Wal-Mart to get some foods and a 'toy'.

Chirsten and I were walking and she looked up at me and said...My uvula is itching! And she proceeded to cough....pointing at her throat! When did six year olds start knowing where their uvulas were???

We bought fruit and fruit and oh fruit! They both chose reasonable toys and we head home. Scott tooted in the car and they called him tooter scooter all the way home :)

Soon as they get here it is 999 miles an hour after the cats - who wanted nothing to do with them at first...but they are coming around.

So you maybe wondering why I am concerned for my mental and physical situation this weekend. These two kids are fun and sweet...no big deal. Anyone can handle two kids.

This is where it gets a little crazy.

I called my nephew Little John (not so little...30 years old) and asked if we could have Corey on Sunday until Monday. And then we asked if we could have his girlfriends little girl too since Chirsten and her are about the same age. Ok...4 kids...twice the fun ... it will be ok huh. Umm well, Sunday night I also get Italy for the night.

EEEK Yeah...going from barely babysitting one child to having 5 at one time??? What was I thinking???

Thinking, I wish had been doing this all the time and not letting my heart hurt.

So in the morning we are getting up and going to church. Then afterwards we are going to get come picnic fixings and head for the lake with Lisa, Cara, Randall, Illan, Ida Hope, Brad, Marquita, Italy, Little John, Tamara, Corey, Tarmara's daughter, Scott, Me, Chirsten and Caleb....hmm I am glad I typed that out...I dont' think one bucket of chicken is gonna get it!!

After the lake those that are going to be with us are coming back here and chilling out. Then we are making pizzas...I am rolling out the dough and having bowls of fixins and letting them do their own. Then the boys are going to play x-box and hang out in the den while the girls and I are going to do a makeup/hair thing and be princesses for the night. I think we might do a facial mask thing too. One of my favorite memories with Misti was putting on one of those masks and talking and laughing laying on the bed under the ceiling fan. We fell asleep and the mask like super dried to our skins...was so funny. So we will try that without the drying under the fan.

Monday after Scott goes to work - me and the five kids are going to the park for a little play time then to my moms. When we get there I bought some water balloons...ok 100 balloons! We are going to have a water balloon fight. I also bought a slip and slide...one of the double ones...so they will get to play with that too.

Then Monday evening, Misti and Lily, Simon and Brady are coming over and Lily and Chirsten and I are going to do a scrapbook for Misti and for my mom too.

Then at some point we will be taking the kiddos home, returning Italy to Brad and Marquita and come back to our empty home.

sigh

I finished Simon's blanket...will take a picture of it...turned out super cute.

I want to keep them all.

Scott just came in here with red eyes, Caleb wants to sleep with him. I was so sure that he would want to sleep with me and Chirsten. I am glad though he wants his uncle Scooter. While at Wal-Mart Scott and I held hands watching them sort through the toys. He whispered - this is what it will be like when we have our kids. I have never heard him say anything more than one but a couple times. It worried me that he may only want one. We talked about when we adopt our first child we want to go almost immediately through the process again for a second child.

*watching Meet the Robinsons. It got to the part where the peanut butter and jelly went all over the prospective parents. They left and on the way out they said "he is not the kind of child we want." Scott pouted his lip and said that is the kind of kid I want. 1. He LOVES PB and J. 2. He loves anything science. 3. He gets to ride in a space ship and Scott loves all things space as well.

If you have never seen this movie...watch it, even though it is a cartoon it does evoke lots of feelings and emotions.

Ok, got to go to bed...I don't know if we will sleep for the next two days!

I will post pics and details about the visit to the orphanage and the reunion of fellow homeless children.

Have a blessed weekend....pray for me! *smiles*