DMS'ing

*DMS...During Menstrual Syndrome


I have started to post several times. LET ME WARN YOU AHEAD OF TIME - I HAVE MY PERIOD...whoremoans are running wild through my system!

I can't get this girl out of my mind. I am calling the mother tomorrow to hopefully get her for the weekend.

*More common opinions given by others:
-You will get too attached and then she might leave.
-You don't know what kind of people they are.
-You don't want to get involved with this situation.
-Why not just call social services and let them take care of it.
-You have so much on your plate...are you sure you can handle this?
-She will break your heart.

I heard them, my head was spinning so fast after meeting her and hearing the things this little 4 year old girl had to say. From an hour after meeting her she was calling me mommy and the kids were her brothers and sisters.

After a while the mommy thing didn't startle me as much.
This little girl didn't know me, she didn't know the emotions I would feel having that coveted title replace my name.

I thought about what everyone had to say. Every morning I wake up and she is the first thing I think about. I wonder if she has breakfast, if she got to take a bath and put on pretty clothes. I may be obsessing but I don't think so.

My heart is open to her. I am not trying to be her mother. I am not trying to save her from this horrible family life...well, I guess sorta I am.

I just think that having the mind set that I would get attached, my heart will break is selfish. For me...not saying everyone would be, but for me...it would be selfish. What if God said...I can't send my Son to die for their sins because it will break My heart.

I don't think this will be a long term situation. This child has parents - granted one is in jail and the other ... well, I just don't feel right putting that out there. I feel she will be moving back to where her family lives. Even if I don't get to see her again - she has the memory of a great day with me and my family. Maybe she won't forget that.

So, despite some well meaning advice, I hope to get her Friday night through Sunday. I don't think she has ever been to church so I plan on taking her.

Pray for me - it will be hard.
My heart will probably break.
I know I will get attached.
I know that Scott will love her too.
I know the possibility of never seeing her again.

I know that someone loved me enough to take a chance.
I know that God has turned me every which way to show me this is the right thing to do.
I know that she will enjoy every thing she experiences with us.
I know that I want her to see the love of God through us.
I want her mom to know that I am not trying to take her child, just wanting to give her some love and nurturing she is not getting right now.
I know, without a shadow of doubt that God is wanting me to do this.

Pray for her and her baby sister and her older sister and the baby that the mother is carrying.

I am going to try to be more consistent in blogging. I have lost track since Italy has been in my life, she is with me quite a bit and when she is here...I can't take my eyes off of her. She is uber special to me.

I woke up this morning saw a news story about a local girl that was lost being found - I cried.
I watched part of a soap opera - I cried.
Stupid commercial came on - I cried.
My friend Leslie calls me and we hang up - I cried.
I went to her facebook page and saw the pictures of her, Burt and the boys - I cried.

Unfortunate for me, the last cry wasn't alone. Scott came in and thought someone had died or something. I couldn't even talk at that point. I miss them so much and I see what I am missing out on with the kids and they are growing up with out me. I miss my friend *GRRR CRYING AGAIN*. Scott hugged me asking me to tell him what was wrong - he was almost in tears thinking something horrible had happened. In that ugly crying voice I bellowed..."I HAVE MY PERIOD!" He had the kahunas to LAUGH at me. What was he thinking?

I had a long talk with my niece, I can't tell you how much it means that we are getting back to talking to each other and enjoying every minute. Yep...love her.

There are some things going on with Scott and I that has put our adoption plans off a little longer. When they kind of settle down I will tell more and we will hopefully get back on track. I called the social worker and told her I would call her next month to reschedule.

I have thought about the people I have met her a lot, I keep ya'll in my prayers and even if I am not here I am praying for you.