Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Bam

The weekend was a long one. We were coerced into staying Friday night as well with the in laws. Caleb and Chirsten were staying and all Caleb had to do was say...Uncle Scooooooter *smiles*

When the highs come they are so great, dulls the memory of the low times. Scott and I are so full when we have the kids with us, for the last month or so we have barely had a day without someone being with us.

Last night the low came - I guess a low, we sat alone in our car. No car seats. No singing. No laughing. No are we there yets. No fighting. Silence.

We had just left my moms and were about 10 minutes from home. I don't even remember what Scott said to trigger it but the flood came.

Nothing could stop it.

He apologized for saying something about our lack of children, expressing how sad it makes him as well and POW right in the kisser!

He said I am sorry for making you think about it.

Tears streaming, we passed a sign for the fair. We passed a huge tree. We passed an ice cream shop. We passed a car place that had old hot rods.

Everything triggers a thought. I won't be taking our child to the fair, won't be putting up a tire swing anytime soon in a big tree, no sharing a triple decker ice cream and no sharing Scott's love of old cars with our child. I truly believe it is coming - if I didn't I don't think I could function really.

False hope? This is one time where I think any hope is better than none.

I told him not to be sorry, I don't think there is an hour in the day that something doesn't remind me I am Hope, wife, sister, daughter, friend, aunt...not a mom. He talked about having Caleb and how he just hung on everything Scott had to say. He wanted to know how to play this video game and he sat up on Scott's lap and unlike most kids...watched and drank it in while Scott actually played the game and describing the how to's. UGH

The most random things open those thoughts up.

We sat in the car for about 20 minutes after getting home talking about it. He doesn't say how he feels about it much, but he let it all out last night. He cried, he talked about it and I realized he thinks about it as much as me...he is just a little more manly and doesn't let it get to him I guess.

The last thing he said is that he thought about how if we had a baby when we first started trying they would possible be graduated from high school. They would possibly go to the college he works at. They would be so proud to have him as a father.

What ifs suck!

What if we had a child when we started?
Would we have moved around so much?
Would we have been healthier?
Would I have had all my problems if I had a child that kept me active and healthy?
Would we have moved to Myrtle Beach? *the thought of never meeting Leslie makes me cringe!*

WHAT IF!?!?!

But, we are here.

We are madly in love, have crazy but great families, beautiful friends and have finally became thankful for the babies in our life. We can't get enough of them. We are seeking His will. We are just us, but praying for a bigger us. We are trusting in His plan. As painful as the waiting is, as heart wrenching it is to give back the kids, as hard as it is to sit in an empty house...we are trusting in Him. Even though we shed tears and cry out that we don't understand...we are at His feet feeling His hands on our head comforting us saying I love you, I have a plan, trust in Me.

What is your biggest trigger to make you remember the emptiness?

6 comments:

  1. Hope, I'm sorry. I am just so sorry for your pain and the emptiness that creeps up. I understand your feelings and I so wish you didn't have to go through that.

    For me, it's just simply being in my house. Scott and I purchased this house three years ago with the intent that it would be our family home. It's got four bedrooms, perfect for us and two little ones, with a room left over for guests. Or, perfect for just the two of us as it goes right now.

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  2. I'm so sorry, Hope. Alex and I have been exactly where you guys are and it's a hard place to be.

    I'm finally to a point where the emptiness doesn't creep up as often. It took 2 years to get here but I'm finally here.

    I will say that being around kids and having to leave them was really hard for me. Also visiting the hospital for what seems like a thousand births over the past two years was hard as well...the tears always came soon after.

    It gets better...I promise.

    I just finished a book called "Pray All the Way, From Barren to Blessed"...it's actually a devotional that was never published but the author sent me her manuscript. It really helped me. I would love to send you a copy if you would like. Let me know, k?

    I'm praying for you, sweet girl!

    Chin up. :)

    *HUGS*

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  3. What triggers my emptiness? Isn't it odd that I have three kids, two dogs, two cats and a husband but I still have moments of emptiness? Small things trigger that yearning for our family to be complete. Milestones for the other kids, knowing that I will never experience that again with another child. Like yesterday, walking my baby to 1st grade, knowing it would be the last time. Emptiness comes when we are all seated at the dinner table and there is still one chair left empty. Emptiness creeps in when I see a newborn baby, when I donate clothes to the Goodwill because there will not be another child to pass them down to. I know that I need to turn to my Savior in those moments, He is the only thing that can sooth that pain...

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  4. Oh, Hope...unfortunately we're all in the same boat. It doesn't take much to trigger our sadness either. It's just like you said, things will be going great, we're at a party, we're having fun and then something random triggers my tears. Like me in the post office the other day. They just come on like a flood, in the most unexpected times.

    If our babies only knew...how much we love, how much we care...how much we yearn.

    You guys are going to make GREAT parents...incredible, really. Just keep holding each other.

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  5. I have missed reading and commenting on your blog (having problems downloading your page for some reason??) but, you have not been forgotten!!
    I'm sorry! I will never forget this time you are in when we were there! The pain lessens but, you don't forget.
    My biggest triggers were friends with babies and I could not volunteer in the nursery at church!!
    Hang in there!! It's soooo hard trusting God's plan for you!!!
    (If we'd have had a baby when we first started trying, we'd have a 15 yr. old, not an 8 yr. old but, God didn't fill our order when we submitted it eiher!!!)
    Press on! You can do it!
    Prayers your way!!

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