B I G...huge news!

ooops hit enter before I put the post in haha.

NO not pregnant..blah

Huge H U G E!

noo H O O O O O G E !

Where do I start. ok bad craptastic morning first. This is gonna be a long one so if you don't got the time to sit here and read it all just skip it til later - but it is H O O O O O G E !

Went to the fertility doc. Sat down, first thing he said...I think that treatments will be a waste of your money. There is very little chance that we can get you pregnant. With your history the pregnancy will be extremely high risk but I will do what you want shy of IVF which he said the chances of that working are even worse without donor eggs. BAH! :( He said with the history of a stroke they would have to put me on heparin. My diabetes will be a huge factor along with my high blood pressure. We talked and came to the agreement that we will do three cycle and if no baby...end of road, door shut...finito!

Needless to say I left crying and discouraged. We did schedule a saline study of my uterus for the 16th and see him again the following month. Left pissed and sad and really began to feel like this was it.

I met up with John and Lena and couldn't tell them about the visit while we were out, went to Steinmart (LOVE THIS STORE) and ended up going back to the car pretty quick with Caleb (who HATES to shop) and hung out in the van while they shopped. pout pout, poor me - ok done...with that.

I have to back up to last week. Jami calls me...at first I thought she was pregnant again or something she was so excited. She tells me that BreAnn came home or DeAnn visited her (I can't remember) and that a girl that is in rehab with Bre is pregnant and wants to give the baby up for adoption. I was in a room full of people and couldn't jump up and down...but I was so excited. She told me to call De later that day and I would get more details. I talked to De and she said a lot of the same things Jami said, but that she wanted my number to call me! :o She said the girl had 2 other children (not with her) and that is in rehab for Marijuana.

Jami called me and said that De had left me a message, but I didn't get a call - was at my in laws and just as I told Jami that the reception sucks we got d/c lol.

(BTW...De and Jami sound like twins on the phone!)

So Monday came, no call. I was disappointed but not devastated. We have been in situations similar and things can happen. De told me that she had to coordinate the call with her counselor so it may be later in the week.

Tuesday, no call. I talked to Jami and De on messenger and they still said that she will call that she even thanked Bre and De for finding someone for her baby.

I then remembered there was that message from De on my phone, so I listened to it and got chills! We have always said if we had a son we would name him Isaac. Sara in the Bible was barren and God blessed her with a child later in life. Isaac grew up and married Rebecca.

De says, (in her Jami like voice...really yankee by the way haha just kidding) Rebecca is gonna call you. The baby is due September 10th and she will have an US on the 5th of May to know the sex. (Issac married Rebecca...hence chills)

Wednesday came, no call...hope dwindled but if she decided to keep her child and work on herself how could that be wrong.

So today...super craptastic day it started out to be...turned around with the ring of my phone. Rebecca called. She CALLED!

She asked is this Hope? (She also has a Jami - esque tone to her voice...maybe it is an IL thing :) ) I said yes, she told me she was Rebecca and she was friends with Bre. My mind spun in a million different circles. I had all these questions written out - at home. So I had no clue what to ask. She told me that she had 2 kids and they weren't with her. That she needed to concentrate on her sobriety and getting her life straight and another child would be too much for her to handle. She said she considered abortion but she was getting back into church and is catholic and abortions are a big no no and she didn't want to live with that on her heart. She said she prayed for answers and adoption seemed to be where God was leading her. Then she met Bre, and Bre and De told her about me and so here she was - prayers answered. She wants to get to know me of course, I am over nighting my adoption portfolio in the morning. She said all her docs visits have been great too by the way and that her due date is OCT 10th, not September...just more time to get ready!

I am calling our lawyer in the morning. I am not sure if he does interstate adoptions.

She didn't sound like a crazy girl that was pulling my chain. She said she cried when they told her about me. She feels like a weight is off her shoulders.

She couldn't talk long, but said her children are being baptized on Sunday and she will have a pass, so she could call me to talk longer. So she will call me at 2 on Sunday. tap tap tap is it 2 yet?

What are the chances that there is some girl in a state a 1000 miles away has a baby in her belly and wants to give it up for adoption? Pretty good I guess. But what are the chances that that state be the state that some of the people I love the most ever live in? Still pretty high I guess. BUT, what are the chances that that girl would be in a rehab at the exact same time that one of the said beloved people's relative is there and knows that Scott and I want to adopt a baby???? What are the chances that her name would be Rebecca the same name of the woman that marries Isaac in the Bible - the same name we will give our son??? Not chances - God's hand. I believe that.

So yeah, cloud 9987938493897 right now. Even though I just threw up my veggie lo mien. Pray for this miracle. Pray that she likes us. Pray that our finances can handle the costs of adoption/travel. Pray she has an easy pregnancy. Pray if she does change her mind it is for all the right reasons. I won't hate her, I won't ever hate her. I already love her for the hope she has given to me. No matter how this goes, she is real. I heard her voice. Any other situation we have been presented with...the mother's were real but I never spoke to them, I never heard them choke up when talking about God sending someone to take care of their child.

Funny, I called Jami first...I promised :) Lena and John were in the car when I told her. I called Scott but wouldn't tell him on the phone. I called my mom...so funny, she cried like I was telling her I was pregnant. Kari called me and I told her. Then Scott came home and fussed because I was on the phone with Kari. So I made him sit in front of me and held his hand while I told him. With Jen and Chris hearing as we went. It is all just magical right now, I hope this feeling never ends.

P.S. Have I told you how much better life is with Jen and Chris in it. I think we have shared more, gotten closer in the last few weeks than I ever dreamed. Love that letting go and letting God makes things so much sweeter and easier.

Ok, gotta print our thingy out and add a few new things...such as a new baby :)

I love ya'll...thanks for being here for me .. always!

Am I Preachy?

I had a 'friend' blast me today for being preachy. For saying too many 'praise the Lord's' and pushing my beliefs down his throat. This really isn't pertaining to my blog I don't think because he was on Face.book. I don't know what others see of my posts there, and maybe I do post a lot there about His blessing...but is it too much I wonder. hmm I do love Jesus and love to tell people.

I am extremely tolerant of other's beliefs and while I am not ashamed of mine I try not to beat 'em to a pulp with it. I don't think I could be any other way. I would rather people see Christ in me by being nice and not over bearing...yet leaving no doubt on where I stand about God and my life with Him in it...or me in His.

Ironically, last night I got a message from a former high school classmate and I told him how his wife and I met on the computer when she sent me a message about appreciating my love for Christ and not being afraid to say it. We started talking and then realized that her husband and I knew each other. Then I woke up to those emails...got pretty ugly as well. I was told maybe I stepped on toes or something. Should I put a disclaimer on my blog or is the name and verse up top enough?

I was tempted to be hurt, because even though I don't share his beliefs I considered him a friend. But, I am a child of God. I hope that if it came down to it if I was required to give my life for Him that I would. While this wasn't life or death, it was sad for him to leave my friends list, and in the last mail from him he said I sent him links to sites about how he needed Jesus and needed to be saved. Hmm I don't have such links I don't think...but he said this to lump me into militant Christians who use extreme methods to bring people to Christ kicking and screaming. If I thought someone I loved could accept Christ that way...I might be so inclined but I don't think that way works.

Also ironic was that a friend and I were talking about cleaning up our friends lists...haha.

Off to eat, drink and be happy that the C word is off the table! YAY

Benign...

Love that word. I just got the call that the biopsy is benign. She called in Prover.a and even if the flow stops by the time I see the doctor on Thursday...probably still will have a d&c. Just so relieved...oo hate that C word.

Thank you all for your prayers and comments...so much appreciated!

Tomorrow...

I get the results of the biopsy. Praying that things are normal. IF (have to laugh at if) I am still bleeding tomorrow they will schedule a D&C. If I am not I will declare it a miracle :) He still does those! But, I am not sure I could go from full steam to nothing in the next 12ish hours.

A D&C at this point would be a relief just to get it over with...never thought I would want one. Have had many and fought to not have each and every one.

In other news... I am addicted to Facebook...it is official, I can't believe it. My friends list exploded sort of this weekend. I have discovered family, friends, old class mates, (yeah I guess old fits at this point) people I used to work with...and a few others. I have lunch plans in the works, a family get together with family that we see at funerals and such. Fellow student and I are gonna work to get our classmates together for a reunion of sorts. I found a cherished teacher/friend. She played the piano at my wedding - her brother played the trumpet. It is amazing how memories ease every day life stresses. Also, going through pictures and scanning some of my own..haha.

I am anxious about tomorrow, but God is in control and He will carry me through whatever valley or mountain I must endure.

Today we were heading to Scott's parents. I didn't feel like going, I don't think I have ever missed an Easter sunrise service or regular Easter Sunday service...but I just couldn't go. I missed my sweet baby Italy's dedication today as well. I can't sit for long or be far away from the bathroom for long due to Auntie Flow. SO OVER IT!

But, I was laying back in the seat...grumbling about the cramps and whatever else. Then I heard a song on the radio...wasn't familiar with it but a line of He died so I could live came across and tears filled my eyes. I was holding Scott's sweet hand and I squeezed it as I prayed...thanking God for giving me life, for taking my sin and making it possible for me to have salvation. Then I thanked Him for Scott. He knew that I would be where I am right now. He knew this 20 years ago before I met Scott that I would be in a valley. He knew that I needed Scott. He knew that I would struggle to make it day to day without someone that loved me like Scott does. Thank You!

Thank You Jesus for Scott, for his love, for his patience, for his sacrifices, for putting up with things and never grumbling. Scott amazes me daily. While the love that God has for me is amazing and indescribable....so is Scott's. God gave him a heart just for me.

He holds my hand any chance he gets.
He rubs my back every night.
He kisses me even when I am asleep - or he thinks I am.
He calls just to hear my voice.
He brings me a cranberry limeade from Sonic even when I don't ask.
He hangs a towel and washcloth on the bar everyday so I don't have to bend over to get one.
He washes clothes.
He makes sure I have a bottle of water every night.
He doesn't watch a movie he knows I would want to see until we can do it together.
He keeps a supply of ice pops in the freezer for me.
He makes sure I take my medications.
He makes me call the doctors when I don't want to.
He lets me listen to my music in the car.
He parks the car so I have a short walk to the door.
He holds out his hand to help me up the steps.
He never complains.
He hugs me anytime he catches me out of the bed.
He rubs my feet even when I don't ask.
He lets me put my cold feet on his skin to warm them up.
He takes the long way so we don't hit the big bump in the road.
He will drop everything to take me to the doctor or to bring me something to make me feel better.
He still loves me even though it seems I won't ever give him a baby.
He loves me.
He loves God.
He loves my family.
He loves our crazy pets.

I could go on and on...

Introducing

...Lyric Grace Lail

Ouch Charlie...

that really hurt! (I just love that video!)

I am sure that fire was flying from my eyes when I raised up on the bed, my feet in the stirrups and yelled..."STOP, NOW!"

The doctor must not be afraid of fire shooting from a hormonal, pissed off, cramping, living on day 18 of a period that should go down in the books of how a period should NOT be. Nope, she wasn't afraid she just kept on yelling back - we are there, almost...just a little more - BAM we got it.

So yeah it hurt, it sucked, I am angry, stressed, worried, in pain, the medication to get my cervix to dilate is still working and is causing cramping that I can't even explain.

YAY, tomorrow is Good Friday. Oh wait, not yay...means no results until Monday!!! So, no medications to stop the flow. Nothing. Then she tells me this which made my head spin and fire shoot out. Much more dramatic yet it still left her unphased...."Hope, if you are still bleeding when I call you on Monday we will have you come in and schedule a D&C." WHA?

I wish upon all my wishes she could have understood how much pain and discomfort I am in, how much I really would like to have spend Easter weekend somewhere else other than bed. Who can do anything when you bend, cough, yawn...breathe and you PAC (if you want to know what that is...I will tell you, but it isn't pretty!). So, I have to deal with this at a minimum of 4 more days.

A D&C would have ended this pretty quickly...even though I didn't really want one...the thought of sleeping it off and waking up tomorrow with it pretty much gone is uber appealing. SIGH

They did another blood draw, she said I was super pale and wanted to make sure my counts hadn't dropped. I am assuming they were ok or similar as I didn't get a call back.

She said my platelets were elevated too, as much as I don't want to google that....I know I will eventually. SMACK - google is bad.

Thank you for your prayers, for the messages, they meant so much and were what I needed to read. My faith sometimes is hard to maintain...but then I am reminded that HE is constant and when I am weak - He is strong.

Speaking of strong. Scott is amazing. He took today off. He held me this morning when I had a momentary loss of sanity. Here I was taking a pill that assists in making labor progress, and all I was birthing was a seemingly endless supply of blood.

No matter how hard this journey, no matter how things seem so unfair and so out of focus.

Scott is my soft place to land. He makes me realize I am so blessed already by his love. When I look at him life is clear as glass. He makes it all make sense. I love him!

Ok, gonna go try and study the inside of my eyelids for a few hours!

Did you know...

The hormonal balance shifts toward more progesterone during pregnancy. So having many pregnancies protects against endometrial cancer. Women who have never been pregnant (nulliparity) have a higher risk, especially if they were also infertile (unable to become pregnant).

So not only do we 'infertiles' have the pressure of not being able to get pregnant...we also get to deal with the dark cloud of the dreaded 'C' word following us around, knocking on our doors with a chance of becoming a reality.

I bragged a little too soon about the normal periods I was having.
What feels like a 3 month period had me make a work in appointment today with my gyno.
Unable to do much of an examination due to the carnage (sorry TMI), we have scheduled a biopsy for Thursday. yay

So I have to take Cytotec to cause my cervix to open because my last biopsy done in 2005 was unsuccessful due to never being pregnant, never having a baby...causes my cervix to be difficult to get into/past to get to the tissue they want to biopsy. I explained to her that the last biopsy was cancelled and they did a D&C because of the pain and the cervix issue, so she suggested the Cytotec and a local. yay again

I passed out Monday, from blood loss the doctor expected...or stress...or the combination of the two.

She did a CBC (complete blood count) and most of it was normal. But my WBC (white blood cells) were extremely high and she gave me a few possible reasons. The only one I care to accept is an infection of some sort.

She told me my risk factors for C.
-family history - my sister just had ovarian cancer surgery.
-over weight...oh goody, something I could have controlled supposedly.
-infertility...no comment needed.
-lack of pregnancies/births...see above.
something else, can't remember number 5.

I couldn't ask questions, couldn't object to the biopsy...by doing the biopsy instead of the D&C I have to wait until Thursday to do it. The office is closed on Friday so no news until Monday. No meds to stop the bleeding or the cramping or the 'infection' until we get results...so no Easter for me.

The exam drained the life right out of me, I was mortified. When she told me to get undressed I couldn't have imagined how bad things would go. From the moment I removed my clothes until the moment I finally made it to the bed with the less than flattering paper tank top...there was a trail. Mortified x 10 when I had to be positioned and looked down at my foot in the stirrup to see a bright red quarter sized spot on my lily white socks. Then the event of trying to get dressed again while not in a bathroom to really be able to clean up was a joy as well. Yeah, fun day.

When Scott came to get me I could barely even talk to him about it. He tried to tell me not to think about it until we have some results, to claim the outcome we want and not think of anything else until Monday. Okie dokie. I am tired. I just don't know hot much more I can take.

What made it even worse. This is the new doctors office I was going to see at the end of the month. I walk in and the lobby was filled with pregnant women and their husbands. All rubbing their bellies like they were buddah. I walk up to the counter and got my paperwork and when I returned it, I was offered the chance to win this big ole baby bundle of goodies including a play pen kind of thing with tons of stuff in it. "You could win it for your baby" the receptionist said...I looked behind me like she was talking to someone else and then just totally ignored her even as she pushed the raffle ticket towards me. I bent it as I pushed it back. UGH

Baby/pregnancy/parenting magazines E V E R Y W H E R E!

Sitting there like my inside lady parts were gonna fall out at any moment paled in comparison to the feeling that my heart would fall out as well.

When I got back to Lena's though...there were the kids. They asked me how I was feeling and I said ok, but hungry. Caleb said "Well you would have thought since you were there so long they would have at least gave you crackers and a juice box!" How could I not smile at that.

Chirsten wasn't feeling well, but found a comfy spot on my lap for a little while.

But, Caleb in particular was all over me, smooching and hugging. We played polar bowler and every time he got a strike he would kiss me softly on the cheek, he whispered you have great cheeks Hopie, they are soft like my ear lobes. He has super soft chubby ear lobs like his uncle Scooter and his daddy. I LOVE to rub his, Scott won't let me much because he is afraid they will stretch or something...so silly. Caleb won't let his be rubbed much either, but today he let me. One time he thought it was Chirsten and pulled away and when he saw it was me he said ohh Hopie you can do it. I cherish him....both of them. I think God made them just for me sometimes, I guess their parents might beg to differ.

So, not knowing will be the worst part for the next few days. I know Who holds all the answers. Sometimes I wish I could peak at my plan, just to know.

*I wasn't gonna blog about this. I just wasn't. Not yet. but I needed prayers and I can't get them from my mother - I just can't tell her, I can't worry her like that until I know what is going on. Also, I don't know if pain medications do anyone else like this...but I pop my pain med to go to sleep and probably 90% of the time it makes me chatty, it makes me emotional, it winds me up for about an hour or so. Then when it hits..bam I am out.

Happy Blogerversary to me...

Well, I guess that I was supposed to have some deep meaningful post, but I don't...and dang it I didn't even get any cake!?! I gotta talk to someone about that. Wow...3 years, time flies when you...well, it just flies.

Good Day...

Today has been such a good day. I chilled out at home, the weather was so pretty outside and I had dinner catered in .... haha, love the restaurant - Lena's Country Kitchen :) Roast, taters, corn, rolls and dessert. She so spoils me.

Then I get an email from a friend who saw the pictures of Illan and Ida...and she wants me to come and do some pictures of her kids and family in their back yard - some posed but a lot of candids and cutesy pics of her three kids. WOO HOO! I am so excited. I hope to start classes this coming semester for photography and since I can't do my job I went to school for and trained for - maybe this is something I can do to fill that hole. WOOT!

I have a lunch date scheduled with my niece and her kiddos next week, we are going to do Mexican I think...yummy.

I have a lunch date with my hubby tomorrow. I think his mother and father will be tagging along haha. That is ok. We are planning for Easter and tomorrow when the kids get to John and Lena's we are making cake pops - attempting these - HOW CUTE! But we may just end up with cake on a stick dipped in chocolate and written on with cake pens haha. Who knows, either way it will be fun to play with the kids - no matter how limited.

Scott is awesome - period.

Speaking of period...remember how I said mine was so normal for the past 5ish months 28-32 days probably more like 30ish no more than 32 days...but that is phenomenal for someone with PCOS and 40!! Sooo, I am on like day 4 and the last 5 months I am about done - no hellacious periods like before ... I jinxed myself of mother nature is playing a huge April's fools joke on me!!! *(TMI FOLLOWS) Well, yesterday evening until today the floodgates to satan's den have opened up and ugh...just is bad. Hormonal, emotional, crampy.....the perils of period land.

I guess that is it, I just feel like things are on the cusp of being great!! I get my next injection on the 9th, I hope to have the stimulator put in by the end of the month and I see the RE at the end of the month as well. oooo I hope that the surgery won't interfere with the RE.

Pray for Stellan!