Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Did you know...

The hormonal balance shifts toward more progesterone during pregnancy. So having many pregnancies protects against endometrial cancer. Women who have never been pregnant (nulliparity) have a higher risk, especially if they were also infertile (unable to become pregnant).

So not only do we 'infertiles' have the pressure of not being able to get pregnant...we also get to deal with the dark cloud of the dreaded 'C' word following us around, knocking on our doors with a chance of becoming a reality.

I bragged a little too soon about the normal periods I was having.
What feels like a 3 month period had me make a work in appointment today with my gyno.
Unable to do much of an examination due to the carnage (sorry TMI), we have scheduled a biopsy for Thursday. yay

So I have to take Cytotec to cause my cervix to open because my last biopsy done in 2005 was unsuccessful due to never being pregnant, never having a baby...causes my cervix to be difficult to get into/past to get to the tissue they want to biopsy. I explained to her that the last biopsy was cancelled and they did a D&C because of the pain and the cervix issue, so she suggested the Cytotec and a local. yay again

I passed out Monday, from blood loss the doctor expected...or stress...or the combination of the two.

She did a CBC (complete blood count) and most of it was normal. But my WBC (white blood cells) were extremely high and she gave me a few possible reasons. The only one I care to accept is an infection of some sort.

She told me my risk factors for C.
-family history - my sister just had ovarian cancer surgery.
-over weight...oh goody, something I could have controlled supposedly. comment needed.
-lack of pregnancies/births...see above.
something else, can't remember number 5.

I couldn't ask questions, couldn't object to the doing the biopsy instead of the D&C I have to wait until Thursday to do it. The office is closed on Friday so no news until Monday. No meds to stop the bleeding or the cramping or the 'infection' until we get no Easter for me.

The exam drained the life right out of me, I was mortified. When she told me to get undressed I couldn't have imagined how bad things would go. From the moment I removed my clothes until the moment I finally made it to the bed with the less than flattering paper tank top...there was a trail. Mortified x 10 when I had to be positioned and looked down at my foot in the stirrup to see a bright red quarter sized spot on my lily white socks. Then the event of trying to get dressed again while not in a bathroom to really be able to clean up was a joy as well. Yeah, fun day.

When Scott came to get me I could barely even talk to him about it. He tried to tell me not to think about it until we have some results, to claim the outcome we want and not think of anything else until Monday. Okie dokie. I am tired. I just don't know hot much more I can take.

What made it even worse. This is the new doctors office I was going to see at the end of the month. I walk in and the lobby was filled with pregnant women and their husbands. All rubbing their bellies like they were buddah. I walk up to the counter and got my paperwork and when I returned it, I was offered the chance to win this big ole baby bundle of goodies including a play pen kind of thing with tons of stuff in it. "You could win it for your baby" the receptionist said...I looked behind me like she was talking to someone else and then just totally ignored her even as she pushed the raffle ticket towards me. I bent it as I pushed it back. UGH

Baby/pregnancy/parenting magazines E V E R Y W H E R E!

Sitting there like my inside lady parts were gonna fall out at any moment paled in comparison to the feeling that my heart would fall out as well.

When I got back to Lena's though...there were the kids. They asked me how I was feeling and I said ok, but hungry. Caleb said "Well you would have thought since you were there so long they would have at least gave you crackers and a juice box!" How could I not smile at that.

Chirsten wasn't feeling well, but found a comfy spot on my lap for a little while.

But, Caleb in particular was all over me, smooching and hugging. We played polar bowler and every time he got a strike he would kiss me softly on the cheek, he whispered you have great cheeks Hopie, they are soft like my ear lobes. He has super soft chubby ear lobs like his uncle Scooter and his daddy. I LOVE to rub his, Scott won't let me much because he is afraid they will stretch or silly. Caleb won't let his be rubbed much either, but today he let me. One time he thought it was Chirsten and pulled away and when he saw it was me he said ohh Hopie you can do it. I cherish him....both of them. I think God made them just for me sometimes, I guess their parents might beg to differ.

So, not knowing will be the worst part for the next few days. I know Who holds all the answers. Sometimes I wish I could peak at my plan, just to know.

*I wasn't gonna blog about this. I just wasn't. Not yet. but I needed prayers and I can't get them from my mother - I just can't tell her, I can't worry her like that until I know what is going on. Also, I don't know if pain medications do anyone else like this...but I pop my pain med to go to sleep and probably 90% of the time it makes me chatty, it makes me emotional, it winds me up for about an hour or so. Then when it hits..bam I am out.

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  1. My heart goes out to you, Hope. I don't understand why God allows someone to go through infertility while another gets pregnant so easily. I don't understand why some people experience chronic pain while others are perfectly healthy. (Neither of these being attributed to anyone's personal fault) And, I don't understand why some people experience problem after problem. But I do know that God is sovereign in the midst of it all and has SOME reason behind it. And, i know that in His goodness, He still works it out for our good. My prayer for you is that He shows you how/why this is what He's allowed for you and what He is going to do with it. Thank you for sharing with us. Know that it will allow people all over the country, even the world, to be lifting your needs up to our Father in prayer.

  2. Hey Hope,

    I've got a feeling that was not an easy post to write. Thank you for sharing it, though, and please know that I will be praying for you. I'm so sorry things have been difficult.

    I don't know if you get the Sarah's Laughter devotionals (they are great), but when I was reading your post it reminded me of the devotional that was in my email yesterday. I wanted to share part of it with you, because I know you believe this too and I hoped it might encourage you. It helps me to remember this when I so desperately want to know what's next and where this will all end up:

    "If we knew every aspect of God’s plan, where would faith come in? What need would there be to trust God? If we knew fully now, there would be no need to peer into the Scriptures, to strain to hear the voice of God. There would be no reason to strive to seek His face."

    Praying for you today!