When you are wanting to have a baby every detail you scrutinize as if it were a symptom of pregnancy. It has always been that way for me, but this month...I have a headache and I am thinking..hmm, that is a symptom! Today I am so nauseated...a symptom yes...but very unlikely a symptom of pregnancy. Probably a symptom of upping a medicine or a symptom of eating something I shouldn't have last night. *rolling my eyes at myself*
My dear, sweet, very articulate niece encouraged me to do this. I don't know if I will keep it up or not, but only time will tell. Sometimes when I do journal it hurts so much to go back and read it after a rough time. And my trying to have a baby has been the roughest thing I have ever encountered. The majority of women feel this is the most natural and easy thing to do...bear a child. It is like being told all your childhood and early teens that you will get to drive a car when you are 16, and then when you turn 16 you take the classes... you test drive the car over and over and go to get your license and you fail the test. You can study, test drive, read every book on driving but you always fail. 16 years later, you still are walking to work or riding in the passenger seat. Watching others drive their precious cars, you can even touch them mmm that new car smell...drives you nuts. Ok stupid analogy but you get the picture.
Very early in my marriage to Scott, the dearest man on earth, we decided to have a baby. We test drove.....erm, tried and tried on our own...to no avail. We started seeking my doctors help...I could go on and on about this, but I won't. He told me that I didn't ovulate and had very few eggs and unless I wanted to use donor eggs basically I wouldn't have a baby. We were devastated and a young couple still in college and no way could we afford invitro. Trusting this doctor...he had been my doctor since I was 16... we went on with our baby-less life. Not sharing that with many, and when people would ask why we don't have children....I would always be creative, though inside dying each time the question was asked. Then when I turned 35, people would say it is best not to have a baby or you are older now...enjoy your life. Or the ever so popular, borrow mine...it would change your mind about having kids and you would return them! GRRRRRRRRRRRR people just don't know sometimes how sharp words are, how hurtful they can be. I digress...*after walking away from the keyboard for a few minutes*
Well, firstly, I changed doctors by accident really. I had a kidney infection and my doctor was out of town. I was working at the Health Department and one of the OBGYN's that was there said he would write me a prescription but would want to examine me the next morning. So I went to see him at his office, with the intention of just seeing him that one time...as I had a doctor. I had to fill out some papers and when I went in to see him before the exam, he asked me if I had PCOS. I said no, I had asked my other doctor about it and he said that PCOS was not my problem. I trusted him as most of us do and let it go. Dr. Hamer asked if he could do an ultrasound and some blood work to just make sure. And lo and behold....full blown PCOS! He said that if I had been diagnosed and treated ... I could have had a baby by now...do you know how frustrated, angry and sick I was!! He started me on the meds and within 3 months I went from having 1 period a year...to being almost normal.
Well, we moved to Myrtle Beach and I was set up with a OBGYN here and she also confirmed the PCOS. She also did a D&C and biopsy. She said my lining was thick and that if we wanted to have a child we would need to get on the ball. She did 3 rounds of Clomid (fertility med) and after 3 failed months, she sent us to Dr. Schnorr in Charleston.
So late February we went to see him. He was so kind and I guess because of the fact he deals with women who can't easily conceive all the time, he really seemed to have the touch of dealing with this. We talked for about 45 minutes. Then we did another US and he said something that made my heart flutter....you have TONS of eggs!! He said that everything was shaped perfect and that he didn't see why with his help we couldn't get pregnant. He said there were tons of cysts on my ovaries...hence POLY cystic ovaries. Soooo...we made a game plan. Scott was to have another semen analysis with a hemazona (sp?) assay and I was to have an HSG (hysterosalpingogram). So we went back a few weeks later and EVERYTHING came back perfect. Scotts tests were all WAY above normal. My HSG was all normal, my tubes were very open. The last part of the game plan was for me to lose 50 pounds. GRRR With my BP and diabetes he wants me to lose the weight that I would probably put on with pregnancy....so it will be a few months before we really try, but it will happen. We are going to be doing IUI's....which is basically artificial insemination with Scott's swimmers. They wash his 'stuff' and pick out only the best, strongest swimmers and put them at the top of my uterus. This is after I take some injections to make me ovulate...oh yay.
So that is where we are. I have lost 9 pound so far and 41 to go seems like a mountain the size of Pikes Peak! But with God's Grace, a wonderful husband and friends encouraging me on....I can do it.
In the mean time...I have found this wonderful site full of women facing the mountain of infertility. FERTILCHAT is the name, it is amazing...all this time I thought I was alone in this (not realistic I know)...and here are hundreds of women going through it too. I feel their pain when they get a BFN (big freakin' negative) on a pregnancy test...and feel the happiness...and yes, jealousness when they get that BFP (positive). There are a lot of Christians there too :). I also joined SPARKPEOPLE to help me with the weight...and found a wonderful lady named Marilyn there that has helped me more than she will know. It is amazing how people you don't know really, can inspire you daily!
Lastly....without Christ and his wonderful grace, an amazing church and some friends from church, I think Scott and I would be ready to move home and find solace in our families. Even though we are miserable when we are in Morganton. Here we are so happy, but it was hard not to have someone to talk to and physically be with. Burt and Leslie...and baby Colin have filled that hole so wonderfully. We are so blessed to have such wonderful Christian friends. THOUGH...Leslie is an enabler when it comes to food....last night trying to get me to split a burger with her....GRR I talked Scott into doing it....he he. They share a lot of our values and are so fun to be with. Burt is sarcastic like me, and we go at each other a lot. He has a wonderful singing voice, I love to hear him sing. Leslie...she smiles constantly, and doesn't hold back how she feels about things; which is wonderful! We have fallen in love with all 3 of them.
OK...umm, I am at work and haven't got a thing done....so, I guess I better go.
I will try to write a long post later...HA HA!