Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Death and memories

Funny how death of someone brings up so many memories of the past.

Today I went and picked up my mom and we went to services for my mothers cousins family. They lost Mary Clark...I think she was 90 or so. My mom talks about her frequently, she and her family was some of my moms favorite. One of the daughters in specific was Wanda. Mom and her have always been close. Mom calls her Sally Gooden...I will have to ask why :)

I woke this morning thinking about the family of Mary's that I knew. First person that popped into my mind was Cindy. Her and I are around the same age, but that was probably one of the few similarities. Cindy was tall, black hair dark eyes...beautiful. She was always right in style, she wore make up :), she listened to pop...she was a Duran Duran freak! Oh wow, that made me smile. She was smart, pretty and popular in school...I got good grades too but she was really smart. I was the pudgy, not the most popular but I was liked. Cindy would have her friends over and she would never make me feel left out. I always admired her, and how she stood up to people and she stuck to her beliefs. We lived pretty close together, she has a little sister...Janet. I didn't have a little sister, but I had Misti and sometimes we would go walking and take them with us...I have pictures somewhere of her with Janet on her shoulders and me with Misti on mine. Now that I think about it...that picture looks so much like Lily.

Cindy had goals and plans and as far as I know she did them all. She lives in Georgia I think, Atlanta or close to it. THOUGH...she told me she didn't want children...she had brothers and Janet and they drove her nuts :). I told her I wanted 4...haha. Memories. I saw her today, could tell her heart was broken about her grandmother. She is still so beautiful, she has a very handsome husband and a few months ago I was shocked to hear she was pregnant...and today she told me she has a baby. I really am so happy for her. Before she told me about her baby, she asked..."Hope, so how many babies do you have?" I could hear in my head me telling her..."I want 4" and I just felt the tears well up as I said none. I choked them back, tried my best not to let them spill over my eye lid and ruin my make up. She hugged me tight, I told her I loved her and was so sorry for her loss. She told me she loved me too, and I know she meant it. I really would love to sit and just catch up with her, but I know this is really a family time and hope that in the near future we can catch up.

Another person died around the same time. Chuck Boone. He was a good friend of Johnny's. They played music together for a long time, our families were close for a long time too. But, kids grow up, and things change. Johnny and him weren't as close either. I remember him fondly...except for making him stop forwarding me dirty jokes :). I called him Bucket Mouth of the South...he was on the CB radio a lot and had a realllly deep voice. He called me Bucket Mouth number 2! I am so sorry for the loss, he was such a character. My mom cooked and sent them food last night and they are going to the receiving of friends tonight.

I don't want to ever be in the position of being the grieving family again, doing it with Mark and our grandparents was enough. I wish sometimes the Lord would just come on back and keep me from that, and end this pain of my childless life. I can't even entertain the foster/adoption route right now. Mom will be living with me for a long while after her surgery and all we have are 2 bedrooms. i can't tell mom that, she would feel like she was imposing. She isn't at all, God has a plan Hope...remember that!

1 comment:

  1. Hope, you have such an amazing family! You are all so close. You have such a gift in that. I want so badly for you to have a baby. I pray that for you often. I just cannot understand why God won't bless you and Scott with children. You are one of the sweetest people that I know with such an amazing heart for the Lord. I do not understand why God will not let you share that with your child. There are so very many things that this side of heaven we will just never know... I think this is one of them. Hope does have a plan for you Hope, and right now I guess your mama needs you more than any child out there would and God knows that. Hopefully one day soon you can look back on all of the struggles and understand. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord"~ Isaiah 55:8 That verse helps me to remember that my plan and God's plan are not always the same. I will continue to pray for you!