I am....whew

My Name Is 'I AM'

I was regretting the past, and fearing the future.

Suddenly God was speaking:"My name is 'I AM'. "

I waited.

God continued:"When you live in the past, with it's mistakes and regrets, it is hard. I am not there".

"My name is not 'I WAS'. "

"When you live in the future, with it's problems & fears, it is hard. I am not there."

"My name is not 'I WILL BE'."

"When you live in this moment, it is not hard. I am here."

"My name is 'I AM'."

My hubby gave me....

A trip to....

wait for it.....

The ER for Valentines Day...ain't he sweet :)

He even sprung for the good drugs and a hot nurse. Ok, the nurse was not that hot but she was nice. I had a migraine for 4ish days and it was worrying him and between him and my mother and mother in law I went. I wish I had went Wednesday when he wanted me to, those drugs really worked!!

I did make it to Illan's birthday party for a short time, got some cute pictures but this one of his sister is my favorite. Lil miss Ida Hope

The more I post...the harder the titles come - I am not that creative!!!

Speaking of dreams...last night I had this dream that I was chosen to be on Survivor *I chuckle as I write that*. We were in some tropical place and my tribe was kickin the other tribes butt! We got to come home on the weekends and I loved telling everyone how nice and sweet Jeff was...and how purdy he was in real life. bahahaha. I woke up before I got voted off, but I think it was coming because I was a huge threat ya know.

Anyways, Scott got home last night and said..."read your blog - what is this dream? I think I know but tell me." I asked him what he thought and it was like he had the same dream, he guessed it word for word nearly. I will share more as it unfolds. Pray.

In other news...my friend Rebekah...well, I can't even sum it up so go read...amazing story and it just shows God's love. Amazing!

I had a dream...

I drifted off to sleep soon after posting last night. I was warmed by my sweet hubby...my skin is so cold any more - maybe some medication or something.

I usually toss all night long, waking up quite a bit but last night the only time I remember waking up was when Scott got up looking for one of our dying phones that was beeping like crazy.

But, last night - I dreamed a dream. It was one of those dreams that when you do wake up you still feel it all, you can still smell things and try extremely hard to not wake up just so I can see what happens next. Guess what, after Scott left for work I fell back to sleep and the dream continued.

I can't go into many details because I want to talk to Scott about it first. We had thought about this in the past, but we just never thought it all out and so it has never been a legitimate option.

I know this was a dream, but it was so real. What if God sent me that dream? When I woke up I wanted to call the person involved and blurt it all out. But, I didn't. I did pray to God, cried and it really feels like this is a path worth taking.

Don't cha love a mystery? It involves a baby of course. As soon as we talk, as soon as we both feel this is a journey we can do...ya'll will be the first to know...well, maybe after a few close friends and family :)

Ok, I have so much to do today that I can't even be sitting here writing...but I had to get that out!

I love him...

19 years ago today Scott and I said "I do". Details of that day are vivid as are the feelings and emotions. I remember the photographer telling us to stop kissing so much that every shot had us kissing in it! We couldn't let the other's hand go, it was magical.

Some know our love story.

I think I posted about it here, but I can't help but share it again...I promise briefly.

We met. We fell in love. We got married. We became best friends. The End.

Ok, ya'll aren't getting off that easy.

He was a blind date. I had no clue that a run of the mill family get together for a birthday would be the day I found him. Ok, I didn't find him - God sent him.

We knew. The love at first sight thing that we all have scoffed at - it happened to me. I was dating, knew he wasn't 'him'...but it was safe and easy. I knew when my eyes met his baby blues that this was something special, this was what God had done for me.

Scott told me he loved me that first night, ohhh about 8 or so hours after meeting. He told me he wanted to marry me, he asked. It wasn't that on the knee with a rock in his hands proposal but it was real, it was from God's lips to Scott's lips to my ears...to my heart. I just knew, Scott just knew.

I said yes with no hesitation. We kissed our first kiss, it was like no other. We wrapped up in each other. Neither of us had any doubts, we knew each other 8ish hours and we had no doubts. C-R-A-Z-Y huh? Possible, but the proof is in the puddin' I guess you could say.

Less than 2 weeks we let it out. He had already told Jon. Jon was his cousin that helped in the blind date. My parents loved him from the get go. He asked my dad and my parents just knew too. They had prayed Scott down from heaven for me, this was my gift from their prayers...God's answer for their daughter.

My brothers took longer to accept, but about 2 years or so into it they accepted him too :)

August 1989 we met. February 1990 we married. It all happened smoothly. My in laws were wonderful from the beginning, they helped my parents make it all happen quickly and beautifully.

I had been 21 for 12 days when we married. I have nearly been married half of my life. I only wish we had met sooner, married sooner, began our lives sooner, started fertility treatments sooner.

19 years and we still say "I love you" every night, every morning, after every call...not by habit but because we mean it and neither of us can hear it enough.

19 years and we still crave time together. We love our time alone. We never spend time away from each other if we can help it. We can't sleep apart. We have to touch ... if even just our feet while we sleep. But, mostly we are wrapped up in each other.

19 years and we still hold hands constantly. In the car, at church, walking in Wal-Mart, good times and bad.

19 years and people are still telling us to stop kissing!

19 years and he still makes the butterflies go crazy.

19 years and his voice still makes me smile. His touch alone can speak volumes.

19 years and we still love each other. We are still best friends. We think our love can't grow any stronger then something happens and our love is anew with even more strength.

I love him, I don't deserve him, I can't imagine life without him.

I cherish our time just before we drift off to sleep. We are silly, we talk and laugh. We tickle and hug and he lets me put my ice cold feet on his toasty skin without tooooo much fuss. Every night he brings me a bottle of water and rubs my back. Every morning he puts a towel and wash cloth out for me. He kisses me bye even if I am still asleep - or so he thinks.

I can't imagine better years but I know they are coming. We are beautiful, we are blessed, we are in love forever.

The only thing that can make our lives even more complete will be a child, but I am thankful for God letting me so blessed with Scott...I almost feel selfish sometimes asking for more.

Ok....that wasn't too brief but hey...19 years!!!

I am going bionic!

Today was my appointment with the surgeon that does the spinal stimulator. He went over my chart and asked me a lot of questions. He examined my ROM and pain triggers. He was very talkative, but also listened to me.

He asked me my thoughts after watching the video and such and I told him if this was something that would give me relief that I would let him do it on the roof in the snow!

He then told me that he doesn't just do this on just anyone. He is very selective and that if he had any real reservations he wouldn't even consider it. He said that this procedure is not a money maker for him. But the gratification of seeing someone that has been in pain so long have significant relief is worth it. I really feel like he meant it.

He said he doesn't do it like some other doctors...just lining a group of patients up and bam bam bam. He said he likes to be very hands on and available.

When my insurance ok's it, I will get a call with an appointment to come in and have a temporary one put in. I will have this for about a week. If things improve, if it is significant then they will take that one out and wait a month and put the real one in.

He said there is a certain amount of improvement that he wants before he will put the permanent one in. He said that some people just want this to work so bad that they exaggerate their improvement so he doesn't tell the parameters he uses.

But, I wouldn't want another surgery if it isn't gonna work.

So, just waiting for the insurance to ok it!

Aside from that...we are heading to Myrtle Beach this weekend with the inlaws. I am so excited to see the Huggins - even Burt!! :) The weather there is supposed to be great.

Speaking of weather...our mountains got blasted! I want to go up and see some. Then Leslie from Myrtle Beach called and said it was doing some serious snowing there this morning! Crazy, we got a speck...UGH!

Thanks for all your prayers.

My sister got her results back and they got all the cancer - praise the Lord. Her margins were clear.

Still pray for my families. Pray for healing hearts, and mending of relationships.

I guess that is all for now. Gonna catch a cat nap...the docs appointment was early and I don't do 6 am very well!

Happy Birthday to me ... still!

Wow, 40 ain't so bad!!! The birthday day was great. I woke up to hugs and kisses from the best present I ever got. The day before all my brothers called me and told me happy birthday along with some other family. It really meant so much to me for the calls and wishes, I would rather get cards and calls and wishes than any gift....those gifts from the heart mean so much!

I wake up and my day was pretty mellow. I knew Scott had me a gift, he put it all up in my face the night before and said he was putting it in the car so I just knew he took it with him. He called me all day and said for me to be at his mom's by 5:30 because he had dinner plans. I rode around in our car for a little bit, went to the mall to spend a gift card and such. I got in the back of the explorer to find my boots and then finally got to Lena's and got dressed and put my make up on.

He came in and was all smilin' and asked me if I wanted my gifts now or later....DUH, and then he tells me that my gifts were in the car...MY car!! I had been riding around with them...grr.

He got me a Nintendo DS with a few games, one is the cooking thingy....I LOVE it, has some great recipes and it shows you step by step what to do. I also got brain age and won't comment what my first attempt at finding my brain age was.

He also bought me a lap top, mine got crashed in our wreck and I do have a great desk top but I loved my lappy. Actually we got two lap tops - umm, we bought one at Sams, got it home and then found it at Office Max for 200 bux cheaper!!! Soo, we had to order it and I kept the Sam's one until it got here Friday. We have the Sam's one packed up ready to take back. We got such a good deal and got 3 years of in my home service free too. I love it, it has light scribe on it which will write directly onto the cd/dvd...super cool. It also has a remote so we can watch DVD's. My paint shop and photo shop runs soooo much faster too. Picaso is still my favorite free thing and it runs great on here too. I figured out how to transfer my feeds, which was stressing me out.

He also got me all the Bare Escentuals make up I wanted. I made a list of things thinking he would just get me a few things and he got them all!! I had used Lena's and loved it. The eyeliner is the best thing I have ever had in make up. It is powder but it sticks great. I don't break out with it either and that is the biggest thing, my stupid sensitive skin.

My in laws gave me moooolah and flowers. Scott also got me the greatest card. I will have to post it, because it mirrors some of what I had posted about my birthday. He hadn't read my blog...so it just makes me gooey inside thinking how we are on the same wave length.

I thought it was all over and I was so happy with it all. Then Saturday morning my sweet hubby said he had to go get a tool from my dad to work on his Audi. Then we were going out to eat. So I got ready and we headed out to my parents. Pulled up into the driveway and there was my in-laws van, a family friends car, my brothers cars...hummm. Something was a foot I do believe my dear Watson.

On the door was this lovely sign....

My mom thought she was so clever...and I guess she was :)

The sun was so bright out, and when I walked in it took my eyes a few minutes to adjust but there were my family and friends with big smiles wishing me a happy birthday. There was the table full of food...all my faves!
The kids were playing on the piano, everyone else were talking and laughing. That alone made this day my favorite yet. These wonderful people came to celebrate my birthday, they came because they loved me enough to take time out of their lives to be with me. How special!

Mom and Lena did it all, Scott just kept me at bay. I wondered why I couldn't spend the day at Lena's Friday...she was cooking all day.

I can't thank them enough for this memory. The prayer John prayed before we ate was so special, I wish I had recorded it. Daddy was so sweet and funny. Todd and Tommy hugged me like they meant it buddy, I got so tickled at both of them.

Everyone ate until they were sick, between my mom and Lena there are few that can out cook them. I will post the recipe for the Chocolate Supreme thingy Lena made...D-I-V-I-N-E!

The kids, all of them though...that was the best part of it all. Chirsten and Caleb helped me blow out the candles, and they played with Italy, Ida Hope and Illan. Illan kept saying that Chirsten was his...mine mine mine....haha.

I was so busy with the kids I didn't get pictures of everyone - somehow I missed my in -laws all together :(

But here are the pictures I did take -

This is mom and one of her best friends and a great family friend Debbie.

The kids helped me blow out the candles...then they helped themselves to licking the icing off of the numbers.

This was the cake after Chirsten and Caleb got the pieces they wanted with the most icing...silly babies!!

Chirsten and Ida Hope made quick friends! Scott and his best little buddy!
Illan wanted Chirsten for his very own!

That isn't a cigar in Caleb's mouth...it was a birthday blower thingy. I love them!! Illan and I...he gives great kisses and even better hugs!

I don't think he can go a minute without smiling...and he has such pretty teeth!

Baby Italy...she didn't feel good and was a little fussy - except when she was in my arms of course :) She is crawling like she has done it forever. It was soooo cute watching her little round butt getting it across the floor!

Daddy and Italy, he loves that baby girl!

Brother and Sister, he loves her so much. They both have such great dispositions.

Mommy and Italy, Kita had to feed her before she could eat herself!