This is a very difficult day to experience every year that I am not a mother. I typically never make it through the church service. Probably 95% of the mother's day services I have been to were preached by my daddy. It is hard to hear him preach about the precious gift of motherhood, how it is a blessing and to know that for some reason God hasn't given me that gift or blessing. It isn't him (dad) it is just hard to deal with. But today, I made it through. It was a very different mother's day sermon than I usually hear. He started out with a story about an 11 year old in Great Brittain that is pregnant with her proud mother standing beside her. She had gotten pregnant during a drinking party by a 15 year old. I had read the story yesterday and was appauled to say the least. He really stressed how mother's impact our lives. How we reap what we sow.
It did get a little difficult when they started giving out gifts to the mothers. I remember how mom would win for the most children at church! Over the years, we let her down at that. That is a regret, and today, I wish I could have been with her. I wonder if any of her children were at church.
We came home and went across the street to our friends for lunch. I got there and Leslie came out with a gift for me from Colin. *smiles* I did shed a few tears. It was a beautiful plaque and a card...and some of the CUTEST pictures. It said to Mommy Hope. *sniffles* While Leslie and Burt cooked I got to rock him to sleep. He is such a good baby. He is so sweeeeeet.
It was difficult when we were quite in his nursery, him laying in my arms asleep...I couldn't help but cry and wonder WHY?? God's timing I know, and I will have a baby.... I could be pregnant right now! If it is God's will! But, with my back, I doubt it...plus I have been taking meds and having xrays.
I am so blessed, I shouldn't ask for more, sometimes I can't imagine my life fuller...but my empty arms...make me want a baby every day.
I found this poem...
A Talk With My Unborn Child
a poem by Amy Borens
These arms of mine are still empty,
It's been far too many years.
I can hardly keep them hidden,
The heartache and the tears.
I am waiting for you, sweet angel
To bless my life, my heart, my soul.
I think I've been a good wife,
Now I want so much a mother's role.
My life doesn't seem complete.
You are not there to hold.
A big piece of my life is missing,
Your destiny is yet untold.
I see you in my dreams, baby.
Ten little fingers and toes.
You have your Daddy's blue eyes,
And your Mommy's ears and nose.
When my eyes are closed I think,
Will your room be pink or blue?
And how much of my life will pass
Before all my dreams come true?
Will I ever know the joy
Of rocking you at night?
Telling bedtime stories
And tucking you in tight?
Will I ever be able to comfort you
When you fall and scrape your knee?
To kiss and make it better
At the tender age of three?
Can I watch you graduate
And drive you to the mall?
Your dad could take you fishing
And teach you to play ball.
Will you make me a gradma
When I am old and gray?
Looking back at my life,
I would be blessed in every way.
So why have I been left behind
When I have so much to give?
I would gladly show you the whole world
If you could only come to live.
Will my turn ever come?
I search my anguished mind.
But questions without answers
Is all I seem to find.
I go home every night
And fight the tightness in my chest.
The silence is so deafening
In my big empty nest.
God has a plan for me
And I shouldn't have such fear.
But why you can't be in my life
He hasn't made quite clear.
I pray for you llittle one
Everyday, can you hear?
So tell God we are ready
To hold you forever dear.
You would never go without.
We would shower you with love.
My little piece of heaven
Sent from up above.
Happy Mother's Day!
Misti, if you read this....Happy first Mother's Day. I remember last year when I bought you the card when you were pregnant, I am sure today has been so special for you. I will try to call you tonight. I love you and am so proud of you!!!