I am not having a pity party really, just I sat back at the baby shower today and wondered if I would ever have one of my own. Would I ever sit there opening the gifts that friends and relatives bought for my child. There wasn't many there really, but I told Scott I wouldn't care if no one had shown if it was my baby shower...just to know that I was having a child or already had one would be good enough for me. I couldn't help but tear up...you know me the queen of emotion.
I fed and burped Illan, he is getting so big. Of course he spit up on me again, he does every time...but I don't mind, I just take every second holding him as a blessing. He brought me out of a lonely place. That is a lot to lay on a little 10 pound baby...but it is true. First there was Colin, he was really the first baby I had held in probably the entire time Scott and I had been married. Gosh I love and miss him. Then...now there is Illan. The precious time I get with him...I close my minds eye and for a split second he is mine...this feeling is what I am supposed to feel as a woman. His tiny hand wrapped around my finger, his soft skin against my face. It takes my breath those feelings...but in that same breath...in that same split second, I let the breath out and back to reality..he isn't mine. I claim no one as 'mine'.
As we were cleaning up from the party, Randall (Illan's daddy) was telling me of a house in Valdese they are looking into. That does excite me as that is just up the road. Then they were packing to leave and I leaned in to kiss Illan and he smiled, the biggest smile ever (NO CAMERA DANG IT!) and it melted my entire being. They were talking about who was to carry what and I jokingly said you can just leave me the baby ... and in a baby-fied voice I looked at Illan and said forever and ever. Randall - just as jokingly, said that will be 400 dollars down and 100 dollars a week. Before I even could think, I said...sad part of that Randall...is I would pay that and more to have a child. The sadder part still is that to adopt an infant is really like buying a baby. Until I have started looking into this, I never realized how expensive this is going to be. Fostering to adopt is a little cheaper, but you really never know what you will get if you even are able to adopt the child that you foster parent. At least with straight - on adoption you set parameters and you pretty much get what you want..just maybe not in a timely manner. But the money...20-40 thousand dollars...YES I said THOUSAND, is how much we will have to beg steal or borrow to have a child. WHY? Why when there are babies that need me does it have to be so hard? Who is making this money? It obviously doesn't go to the child. I am angry at this system, but what does one do that feels there is a child that needs me and can't see letting the almighty dollar keep that child away from his or her mother.
Wow, sorry didn't even know all that was coming out. We are at a crossing point now. We are considering adopting an older child - 12+. We have real concerns after sitting down and talking about it. Children this old, their morals and values and thoughts are pretty much set, or being set. How would I tell a child that I can't take them to their Catholic church - because I am a baptist. Who am I to tell a child that something they believe is not what I believe, so they have to change. But, then I think...this child probably more than a 1 year old needs a loving home, consistency, reliable people to consider their parents. That child may only have 2 years before he or she is considered an adult and then will be sent out into a world with no one to call home to. No one to give them away at their wedding, no one to introduce to their child as Grandpa. No one to have a history with. I know that we would have separate histories up until a point, but history starts as early as an hour....a minute ago. Some shared history to a 16 year old is better than none.
So yeah...frustrated with the system is an understatement. I have to wonder what is so different from the illegality of buying a baby versus paying unspeakable amounts to lawyers and such to get one legally. SIGH.
So frustrated I went as far as looking into surrogacy. I was thinking well...other than the cost of IVF and FET what else could there be??? WRONG! That is just the beginning. Surrogacy costs from 50k and up. No joke! If it was me and I could carry a child for someone unable to - I would do it out of sheer empathy. But I guess that is why I would, because I have lived the infertile life, knows every pain that includes and wouldn't wish that on anyone. But most surrogates charge 20k plus. That is not including ANYTHING else, medical, lawyers, maternity clothes, all sorts of miscellaneous charges. Soo, that is out of the question. So there I am in the adoption arena again - one I think we will have to forge ahead with. Choices are limited now. Now...we are having to make a plan on how to come up with all the moneys required to do this. A friend suggested Adoption fund raisers, I just don't know how that would fly. I could see some of the fuddy duddies that are in our family saying "WHAT?". No one would understand, no one that I know really in my family has had issues getting pregnant. I don't know why I have been 'blessed' with this with no one in my family to share it with. Not that I wish any of them to have had to go through this....but you know the saying "Misery loves company". So I think the fund raiser idea is probably not an option as well.
I am really surprised at the length of this post, it really wasn't headed in this direction. Gonna finish this one, there are other things going on in my life that I wanna post about.