Spring has sprung :)

The sun is shining and there are a few white billowy clouds in the sky. There is a light breeze blowing and the bumble bees have went nuts I think. You can hear the birds singing and playing. There goes the neighbors dog, it barks at bugs I think :) Henry is perched up high on the shelf above the TV keeping from the heavy paws and sharp teeth of our loving Sandy...who is contently chewing on .... ooo something she shouldn't be! I didn't need that plastic cup anyways.

Life goes on, nothing that breaks my heart or makes me cry or takes my breath interrupts this ... this cycle of living. Even my own life. I still woke up this morning, still took my shower and brushed my teeth...even though I was heartbroken last night and at that moment in time it did feel like life had stopped...it hadn't. There was Scott getting ready for work and all those feelings from last night dulled by the light of a new day and the sight of my soul mate leaning in to kiss me good bye as he left for work...a trailing I love you as I heard the door shut. I am amazed every day that I have the love of this man. He continually picks me up, holds me tight and makes everything ok.

Yesterday started off great, we had planned a picnic at the falls and Mom, Dad, Tommy, Scott, Myself, Brad and Marquita, Cara, Randall and Illan, Misti, Brady and Lily came. Ohh don't forget Sandy...she was the life of the party. We eat and talk...then we all go down to the water. There were a lot of families there which always tugs at my heart...I want our child to be there playing too. But, there was my family playing and laughing...I caught it on the camera and here are some pictures.

Sandy...lovin her some water!

Marquita and Illan...aww she needs to get pregnant already they have been married 4 months now dang it!

Family pic with Misti, Lily and Brady

She has stolen Sandys ball and is shocked that Sandy wants it back!!

rare picture that I have...Brady and his baby girl Lily

My Poppy

Sandy just took a seat...a cool one :)

Cara and Illan...he wasn't crazy about the sun :)

Kita and Brad...they make an amazing couple!

Family pic of Cara, Illan and Randall

Group Cousin pic!

We were all about to come home and Cara asked if we would watch Illan and of course I said yes. He is 5 weeks old now and I couldn't wait to spend some time with him. We get home and I take him out of his carseat and lay him on the couch...sleepy lil boooger. Finally he got hungry so I made him a bottle and fed him, was so nice. I burped him and then he threw up...not just spit up...threw up all over me. Poor thing, he did that then filled his diaper. Sooo I cleaned him up, changed his diaper then asked Scott if he wanted to hold him...and a first...HE SAID YES!! So I handed him over to Scott and the baby was so sweet in his arms. I sat down and my eyes filled with tears....this is the first baby Scott had ever in his life held. He says it was because he didn't want to break them, but as soon as I saw the look on his face, the quiver in his lips as he looked down at Illan...I knew the real reason why. I could barely say anything and walked to clean my self and change shirts. As I was walking back I heard him talking to him, not baby talk...but couldn't understand what he was saying but when I walked back in...he was crying as hard as I was and I just sat down beside him and with few words we just enjoyed this moment in time, this moment of my sweet gentle husband holding a new life with the love of his life by him. If someone was looking in the window they would have thought it was a happy little family.

We haven't talked about it really, there wasn't much to say. My heart still is tight with the memories of him holding the baby. I felt/feel like a failure as a wife in not being able to give that to him. No one can understand this if they have had a child...and I know family really try to just find the right things to say...but there isn't anything...no words that can even take the edge off of this pain.