Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Days are...

so unstructured since I haven't been working. I never thought I would miss work but I DO! Too much free time, time to think, time to just dwell on so much!

I woke up this morning with a high temp...NOOoo not a fever, a higher basal body temp, meaning maybe I ovulated this month, will see how it carries out. I don't think it happened, but who know...God does!

I think I am ok, then I watch something on TV, go into a baby store, walk down the babyfood section in the grocery store, and I wanna be able to tell my mom I am pregnant like the girl on TV, I want to go buy new clothes and spend way too much on my child, I want to get baby food and diapers and formula and bottles...ugh. I sit reminded of my empty spot that no well meaning family member can make go away...just this week was told again..."If it is meant to happen...it will happen" I wanted to say sure, and it must be meant to happen that I hang up on you...CLICK. See how that would make them feel?? People just don't get how excruciatingly painful infertility is...every day, every hour...some days every minute. This morning sitting on the porch watching the dog play, thinking about how much my child would enjoy this puppy...crying, and the only way I can think to get the pain across...to somehow explain this is - to me, I have experienced a death....my most deepest desire....no my child has died. That sandy blond haired, blue eyed baby boy I have dreamed about, secretly bought clothes for and toys and such for, has died. He was as alive in my heart and soul and mind as any other baby, but lately I have realized that the chances of that baby being in my arms...being anything other than a dream are very slim. I know that may sound dramatic, but getting to the point of foster care and adoption has came at the high price of acceptance...acceptance that my Isaac isn't going to be. And before all my Christian - God can do anything - family and friends think I have given up on God's power.....I haven't, but clinging to this hope has made me wait 17 long long years before I could say ok, there is another way. I still know that once a month or so...I will think ooo I am 2 days late, could it be...then emotionally go through that whole process again. I wish God would do the writing thing on the wall, or a dream, or some way have told me a long time ago, thousands - maybe 10's of thousands of dollars ago that I was not going to have a child. Funny, when family and friends thought we just don't manage money well, we blow it a lot...most of the time we were privately seeing a specialist, doing tests, buying meds that insurance wouldn't cover. We aren't Burt, that is for sure...love you Burt :), but now that we have given up that quest...our bank accounts look better, bills are paid on time and ohh gosh we have some money in Savings!!

Before I end this, ALL the love in my heart that I have had for my Isaac is still there, some days it consumes me...today is one. But, my heart is open to a gift, to a child that may need me, need my love, my silliness, my laughter, my tears, my arms, my home, my family, my God, my everything. I know that all I have I could and will give to whatever child God sends my way. This is His plan, I am but a pawn. I know that Scott feels the same way, he is the one that opened my eyes to all of this when he said that God may have a child out there that needs us just as much as we want a child. He said that maybe our plan isn't just to have a child, but to save a child.

One day at a time, Lord Jesus, that is all I am asking from you...

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