Monday, July 21, 2008

Always a bridesmaid...

Wait...I did the bride thing!

I meant always an Aunt...never a mommy...sigh

This weekend was full of highs and lows. Misti and I had a play date planned, well, a meet and greet date kinda. Mom found out and wanted to cook us all breakfast and have all the great grands there.

I was so excited, I woke up early Friday morning so I could go get Italy...but I got up and as soon as my feet hit the floor I feel heavy and dizzy. I thought I just got up too fast and when I got in the shower, it was all I could do not to lose the previous nights dinner. I got out...had to lay down. There was no way I was gonna miss this.

I wanted to see Simon and I just wanted to have some family time.

I got up and got ready, Scott said I looked like a ghost..which you can tell in the pictures..SIGH. We got going down the road and I felt it, I grabbed a walmart bag that was in the back seat and nearly filled it. I started feeling ok until Scott said...your bag is leaking! UGH...I fortunately found another bag and rode the rest of the way to get Italy and then to mom's covered in vomit. NASTY. I washed up and mom gave me a different shirt and for the most part I felt better. I don't think it was a bug...I think it was something to do with my meds.

It was all overwhelming. I walk in and Mom has Simon, Lily is with Misti and Scott brings in Italy. I go get cleaned up and there comes Cara with Ida Hope and Illan. I didn't know which baby to pick up first. At first it was so overwhelming I couldn't think...I just enjoyed. At one point I had two babies in my arms, no at 2 points haha. Italy pretty much slept through it all, poor Ida Hope had a sore stomach and Simon just took it all in...such a good baby.

Mom wasn't feeling too good so she went to lay down for a while and we all crashed her bedroom and took pictures of her with the kids. She enjoyed it so much. Illan and Lily stole the show though, every time Illan would walk into the kitchen Lily would laugh so hard and look back telling us "he did it again" wasn't funny but her laughing was what was sooooo funny. She laughs with her whole body.

Then when Illan would walk away from her she would tell him "No, No, No, No"...we thought he was doing something then Misti went to check and she said "come back" haha. Slowly people start to leave and it is Misti, Lily, Simon and Scott, Italy and me. Dad left to take mom to work. Lily and I were playing around a bit, she actually gave me some lovin :)

It was when things got quieter, when Misti went into the kitchen with Lily...I was holding Simon and Scott had Italy...our eyes locked on each other and both of us failed miserably at holding back the tears. This all feels so natural.

My arms are full, but empty of my own child. It drives home that I am meant to be a mommy. I just thought it was supposed to be done a certain way - God had different plans.

It was hard to say goodbye to all the excitement. We went home and had our night with Italy. I don't sleep much when she is here, not necessarily because she is awake...but I watch her, rub her face and talk to her, kiss her little fingers and toes. Friday night she slept in her boppy thingy, but Saturday I just had to have her in bed with us. She slept cradled in my arms all night. She woke up to eat and to have her diaper changed and then went right back to my arms.

Saturday I had promised Chirsten to bring Italy by. We get there and boy Chirsten and Caleb have a fit over her, they held her and fed her and talked to was so sweet. Their daddy and his wife are expecting a baby and they both will be such great siblings. Jennifer actually came by and at one point the baby started crying and Jenny got her and she calmed right down. We are hoping she has a girl too.

Sunday came and Brad called wanting to come get her. I had just taken my shower and gave her a bath...I was rubbing her down with baby oil and brushing her hair when he called. It was like someone woke me up, I actually sat up and felt this lump in my throat and had to catch my breath. I know this isn't my child, I know she has wonderful parents...but for some reason Sunday morning I kind of forgot I guess.

Brad came and we had packed all her stuff together. She had ran out of diapers but I had kept 3 last time so I was safe. Scott was threatening to use a maxi pad and duct tape...SILLY SILLY MAN!

I heard Brad come in and I had put her in her carseat already, she fell asleep. I carried her into the den and Brad started loading her stuff into his car. I held her up to me while he was doing that and my heart was breaking. I can almost imagine the pain in the stories on TV about how hard it is to experience an adoption gone wrong.

Brad came in to get her and I tried not to cry, but I did. I know she isn't mine. I would never step over that line but am I getting too that possible? I love her so much and would give anything for her to be mine, but I know that won't happen...she has great parents. I am the aunt dang it. After she left I had almost 2 hours of tears and thought I would take a was about 2:30. Umm, I woke up practically this morning! When I did wake up I told Scott we were out of diapers.

I think baby sitting her will be easier and I really look forward to that. Seeing the look in Brad's eyes when he saw her after the weekend was so sweet. She has so much love for her from so many people.

All of this just reaffirmed our decision for adoption. I think maybe God gave us this time with Italy to show us we will be good parents, that it will all come naturally. There always has been that fear that maybe there is a reason God hasn't given us a child and that it might be that we would suck as parents. Now I know better...I know Scott will be so attentive, I can handle fussiness and feeding and all that baby stuff.

We are waiting for packets of info from 3 different agencies. I am excited. I am nervous. I am anxious. We are looking at baby room furniture and accessories.

Going through the pictures we took on Friday and over the weekend was soothing in a way. One of my favorite pictures is me holding Simon, he is laying on my chest asleep. He is precious.

I know I just did a picture post, but I can't help but post some of Friday and Saturday...I won't post them all...maybe :)


  1. Love the pictures! And your blog layout. It looks AWESOME! Don't beat yourself up over wanting to take other people's kids...I've experienced the same emotions. I've spent many a nights crying after being around babies...even when I love them more anything...

  2. What great pictures, looks like such a wonderful family you have! You have a mixed blessing, I know, in having so many children to love on while you wait for your own! It's a joy and a sorrow at times! Hang in there!