Wednesday, July 30, 2008
I am feeling a lot better today. I umm...*blush* think the exacerbation of my back pain was due to umm... severe constipation! I am an every day kinda girl and it was almost 8 days...so yeah, that would make anyone's back hurt.
My mother spent many years in an orphanage. The alumni get together once a year and they are having this 'reunion' this weekend. She is excited to show me where she spent a good part of her childhood, her and her brothers. She wants me to see the friends she had there and a few she still is in contact with.
I also have a play date planned with little miss Lily :) We are going to scrap book the pictures we took at the babybonanza. I have been gathering some stickers and paper and such so she should have fun. I hope to get some finger paints to maybe do a hand print or two for her mommy and grandmommys. I plan on getting Chirsten and Caleb too, they are more crafty than me sometimes...and I am not kidding. Chirsten can knit and she has been for about a year or so. She isn't super fast but she can cast on and do a scarf - knitting all of the stitches. She has tiny hands - she is only 6.
I need to call Brad because starting Monday I am supposed to be babysitting Italy YAY! I haven't seen her all week and am having withdrawels...haha.
I am really jonesing for some Huggins time too...can't help but get all teary eyed just thinking about how much I miss them...how could I not!? Look at them...
Sunday, July 27, 2008
I know I have told ya'll that my dad and mom have a service there monthly and my dad goes weekly for a Bible study. Well, my dad has been bugging me constantly to go sing and today I did.
I sung But the blood says you can...and of course Child of God.
You may have wandered
From the path you were on
Found yourself lonely and lost
A long way from home
The guilt deep inside says
That you've gone too far this time
That you can't be forgiven
And there's no need to try - but
The blood says you can
Put the past on behind
Your sin will be covered
And your pardon signed
Satan tells you it's hopeless
And that you can't go back home again
But the Father is waiting with arms open wide
The blood says you can
We've all made our choices
That became our mistakes
And stood in the ashes, the bridges we've burned
The pain and heartaches
But the blood of Jesus
Does what nothing else can do
There's a place called forgiveness
And there's room there for you - 'cause
When you're reminded of mistakes that you've made
Just remember the price has been paid - and
It was strange, I only practiced Child of God 'cause that is what daddy wanted me to sing. But I actually dreamed about this song last night. I woke up to find the CD and it wasn't in my box. I went to feed the fish and there it was laying on the couch!
There were tears and raised hands. I have never been a part of a prison ministry but it really touched my heart. There were probably 30 there. It is the part of the prison that is minimum security, so people are just walking around. As they came in they hugged my dad and mom and told them how much they are a blessing to them...it was so awesome to see how they respond to my sweet parents.
I almost cried through the whole service...mostly because something has happened in my back and I can't sit or stand without intense pain...grr. I am calling the doctor tomorrow. This just started Thursday morning.
I also cried because dad gave his testimony of when he was saved...it always makes me cry.
I know the men there have done something to get them there. But I can't think of a better time to give them the plan of Salvation - they are alone, they have minimal contact with family and some none at all. My parents give them Bibles...not little New Testemants or a tiny Bible...they give them a full size big lettered Bible! I know they have given out at least a hundred...and they live on social security! I don't know how they do it...wait, YES I do...God!
I really am miserable so I am going to go lay down. My mind keeps screaming at me that this isn't good...who would give you a baby!?! HE HAS A PLAN HOPE...*SMACK*...yes, He has a plan.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
A father and a daughter was walking along on a beautiful day, side by side. Suddenly the little girl falls and scrapes her knee. The father scooped her up and kissed her and took her home. He put ointment on the scrapes and comfort her to make things better. The little girl hugged her daddy and thanked him.
I was walking along...alone I thought. I fell and my uterus got all scraped up. I thought I was all alone so I didn't let anyone pick me up and make me all better. I cried out to my God - why did you let this happen to me, why would you allow bad things to happen to good people? I didn't wait for an answer, I let Him take care of me in almost every other road in life...but infertility was a road I thought I was allowed to walk down alone.
For almost 18 years I felt I was alone there, asking him over and over WHY? I didn't sit still long enough to let him answer.
The answer has came over the last few weeks.
My child, it isn't that I allow things to happen to you. Just like the little girl with her daddy, he didn't allow her to scrape her knees. He never promised her bad things wouldn't happen, he just promised his unconditional love; that he would be there to scoop her up and heal her wounds. That is My promise to you, to pick you up and hold you while you cry and heal you according to My plan.
I have finally let Him pick me up and answer my questions why. I believe we have a child out there, maybe not even conceived yet. He has shown me how much love we can give to our family's babies, shown us that our doubts of being able to handle some things were unfounded. I allowed him to open my heart to other things as well, but the biggest of these has been adoption.
When I am reading about success stories, or stories in progress...I feel Him.
When I am looking through the agencies paperwork...I feel Him.
When I make lists of things we have to do to prepare...I feel Him.
I don't know why it took so long for me to realize the bad things aren't His fault, even when we are right beside Him we can fall. His promise comes in the outstretched arms that wrap around us and hold us tight.
When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee. Isaiah 43:2
Thursday, July 24, 2008
I got some info from 2 of the agencies we are looking at. I called social services to talk to a social worker about a home study and what all I needed to do, the cost and such. We are excited to think that every day is one day closer.
We do need to do some things to this house before the home study. Also I told her a little about my health issues and she said information from my doctor may be required.
I hate putting it off for any amount of time, but it looks like September...the first week before we can really have everything in order. Really that isn't that far down the road, now that I think about that...eeek I hope we can be done by then!! :o
I keep hearing that song "freak out" in my head...haha
Today I spent it with my parents...I love them! Cara brought Ida Hope by and I got to feed and hold her. She is so pretty, I feel so much love for her and Illan too. Cara has turned out to be a good little mommy.
Well, I am zonked and am going to bed a little early. Speaking of early...do ya think it is freakishly early for us to be considering furniture for a nursery??? SIGH
Monday, July 21, 2008
I meant always an Aunt...never a mommy...sigh
This weekend was full of highs and lows. Misti and I had a play date planned, well, a meet and greet date kinda. Mom found out and wanted to cook us all breakfast and have all the great grands there.
I was so excited, I woke up early Friday morning so I could go get Italy...but I got up and as soon as my feet hit the floor I feel heavy and dizzy. I thought I just got up too fast and when I got in the shower, it was all I could do not to lose the previous nights dinner. I got out...had to lay down. There was no way I was gonna miss this.
I wanted to see Simon and I just wanted to have some family time.
I got up and got ready, Scott said I looked like a ghost..which you can tell in the pictures..SIGH. We got going down the road and I felt it, I grabbed a walmart bag that was in the back seat and nearly filled it. I started feeling ok until Scott said...your bag is leaking! UGH...I fortunately found another bag and rode the rest of the way to get Italy and then to mom's covered in vomit. NASTY. I washed up and mom gave me a different shirt and for the most part I felt better. I don't think it was a bug...I think it was something to do with my meds.
It was all overwhelming. I walk in and Mom has Simon, Lily is with Misti and Scott brings in Italy. I go get cleaned up and there comes Cara with Ida Hope and Illan. I didn't know which baby to pick up first. At first it was so overwhelming I couldn't think...I just enjoyed. At one point I had two babies in my arms, no at 2 points haha. Italy pretty much slept through it all, poor Ida Hope had a sore stomach and Simon just took it all in...such a good baby.
Mom wasn't feeling too good so she went to lay down for a while and we all crashed her bedroom and took pictures of her with the kids. She enjoyed it so much. Illan and Lily stole the show though, every time Illan would walk into the kitchen Lily would laugh so hard and look back telling us "he did it again"...it wasn't funny but her laughing was what was sooooo funny. She laughs with her whole body.
Then when Illan would walk away from her she would tell him "No, No, No, No"...we thought he was doing something then Misti went to check and she said "come back" haha. Slowly people start to leave and it is Misti, Lily, Simon and Scott, Italy and me. Dad left to take mom to work. Lily and I were playing around a bit, she actually gave me some lovin :)
It was when things got quieter, when Misti went into the kitchen with Lily...I was holding Simon and Scott had Italy...our eyes locked on each other and both of us failed miserably at holding back the tears. This all feels so natural.
My arms are full, but empty of my own child. It drives home that I am meant to be a mommy. I just thought it was supposed to be done a certain way - God had different plans.
It was hard to say goodbye to all the excitement. We went home and had our night with Italy. I don't sleep much when she is here, not necessarily because she is awake...but I watch her, rub her face and talk to her, kiss her little fingers and toes. Friday night she slept in her boppy thingy, but Saturday I just had to have her in bed with us. She slept cradled in my arms all night. She woke up to eat and to have her diaper changed and then went right back to sleep...in my arms.
Saturday I had promised Chirsten to bring Italy by. We get there and boy Chirsten and Caleb have a fit over her, they held her and fed her and talked to her...it was so sweet. Their daddy and his wife are expecting a baby and they both will be such great siblings. Jennifer actually came by and at one point the baby started crying and Jenny got her and she calmed right down. We are hoping she has a girl too.
Sunday came and Brad called wanting to come get her. I had just taken my shower and gave her a bath...I was rubbing her down with baby oil and brushing her hair when he called. It was like someone woke me up, I actually sat up and felt this lump in my throat and had to catch my breath. I know this isn't my child, I know she has wonderful parents...but for some reason Sunday morning I kind of forgot I guess.
Brad came and we had packed all her stuff together. She had ran out of diapers but I had kept 3 last time so I was safe. Scott was threatening to use a maxi pad and duct tape...SILLY SILLY MAN!
I heard Brad come in and I had put her in her carseat already, she fell asleep. I carried her into the den and Brad started loading her stuff into his car. I held her up to me while he was doing that and my heart was breaking. I can almost imagine the pain in the stories on TV about how hard it is to experience an adoption gone wrong.
Brad came in to get her and I tried not to cry, but I did. I know she isn't mine. I would never step over that line but am I getting too attached...is that possible? I love her so much and would give anything for her to be mine, but I know that won't happen...she has great parents. I am the aunt dang it. After she left I had almost 2 hours of tears and thought I would take a nap...it was about 2:30. Umm, I woke up practically this morning! When I did wake up I told Scott we were out of diapers.
I think baby sitting her will be easier and I really look forward to that. Seeing the look in Brad's eyes when he saw her after the weekend was so sweet. She has so much love for her from so many people.
All of this just reaffirmed our decision for adoption. I think maybe God gave us this time with Italy to show us we will be good parents, that it will all come naturally. There always has been that fear that maybe there is a reason God hasn't given us a child and that it might be that we would suck as parents. Now I know better...I know Scott will be so attentive, I can handle fussiness and feeding and all that baby stuff.
We are waiting for packets of info from 3 different agencies. I am excited. I am nervous. I am anxious. We are looking at baby room furniture and accessories.
Going through the pictures we took on Friday and over the weekend was soothing in a way. One of my favorite pictures is me holding Simon, he is laying on my chest asleep. He is precious.
I know I just did a picture post, but I can't help but post some of Friday and Saturday...I won't post them all...maybe :)
The sign said .4 miles to the falls...it was down hill so I thought sure I can do this. About 10 miles later we finally get to the falls! (ok, maybe not 10 miles but walk more than you have in a year and see how long it feels...but everyone agreed it was WAY more than .4 miles...we think the . was in the wrong place). It was pretty but honestly wasn't worth the pain to walk there!
As we start walking back...there was this sign pointing to a lower parking lot...I was dreading the walk up the hill so why not have them go get the van and come to the lower one!?! Great idea. It wasn't a bad walk to that parking lot and we figured it would just be a short little drive to get there. Umm an hour later they finally pull in - they had to get on the Blue Ridge Parkway and drive a ways then get off and turn here and there...wasn't such a great idea after all. If we didn't have the kids with us I think they would have left us haha. (I don't think I am kidding)
It was a good day, we planned to picnic but stopped at Fatz and ate instead haha, we were wiped out! Enjoy the pictures...
This was just as we were waiting to go in...they are really good kids, even while waiting!
These are blind trout that live in the caverns...it is so dark in there the only light is from some very dim lights and the flashlight the guide uses.
Just some odd stalagtyes or stalagmytes...umm I didn't listen very well.
Yeah that is the water that kept me thinking bats were hitting me!
This looks like...well, I am not gonna caption this one!
All done and they are still such great behaved children!
At the little creek beside the caverns there were about 50 butterflies...blackish ones and yellow ones...I couldn't get close enough - dang back!
aww such sweet babies..
Chirsten had me taking pictures of every flower and mushroom we saw...so I am showing you one!
This lady had this little puppy, it has the bluest eyes!! She made the kids use hand gel before they could pet him...he hadn't had all his shots yet. When I was taking this picture she said kids...look up at mommy and smile :(
She is going to be a heart breaker!
I said Caleb...do ya gotta pee?? Nope I don't...umm then why the PeePee dance?? Cuz (which is his favorite word right now).
John and Lena my in-laws
Caleb was pouting...but they are sooo my babes
her being a typical girl...to have an ounce of there energy!
Posin with Scooter
I gotta go up that hill???
Chris and his babies...he has one on the way now too!
my honey again
Such a fake pout...she is a goob
Me and a tree...dang I need some sun!
dangers of riding with kids...care bear stickers in the oddest places :)
they are pretty
one of many flowers Chirsten had me snap
water was moving soo fast