I love my daddy

I had a pretty bad day yesterday. I hadn't been up doing much all week and thought ok, let's just go to spend the day with Ma and Pop Lail. Scott went and picked up John to help him take off trash and stopped and picked me up on the way back. We get there and immediately we were on the go...we went to Hobby Lobby my most favorite place in the world - almost. I was there ohhh...about 5 minutes - maybe 10 and that was it. I gave Scott and Lena my stuff I wanted and got the keys and crashed in the van - in tears, in pain, super frustrated. UGH I hate feeling that way.

I cleared it all up and figured when they got back we would head back to the house....nope, there is a new hobby store in Hickory with trains and planes and all that jazz. Scott's parents bought him this cool train and he wants to look for accessories. So we go there, and I walked in...got the keys from Lena and walked right back out. The pain was so bad I almost threw up. I got in the van and left the sliding door open...regret that because I know people thought I was crazy.

I called my mom at work - the phone was busy. I always call her when I am past that point and need someone else to pray with me. She just has that way. So I called my daddy and he asked what was wrong and I told him. I then said I was calling so if mom calls you tell her to pray for me or call me. He almost seemed offended, and said "Well, I can pray for and with you!!"

So he started praying and I love to hear him pray, but usually when mom and him pray over me mom is doing the praying and daddy is 'yes Lord-ing' and not saying too much. Ohhh but this prayer was so sweet, just what I needed. He said things like, "Dear Lord please take this pain from my baby girl" and "Jesus - cuddle her up in Your arms and keep her safe". I was crying hard before he started but hearing my daddy say such things just made me melt.

I am so blessed to have such great parents. I love my poppy! And my ma too ... :)

We go back to John and Lena's and I headed straight to her bed. I crashed in the dark. Poor Lena tripped over my shoes trying to get to me with a phenergan and water. I took the pill and drifted off. I don't know what time the kids got there, but I knew that they would be worried about me so Scott and I headed home so they could have fun with their Maw and Paw.

Caleb was so cute, he came in to the bedroom and held my hand rubbing it...he is so sweeeet.

I got home and went to sleep and didn't get up until about 4 or so this afternoon. I do feel better. I am going to spend the day with Lena tomorrow - hoping the kids will be there. It is their day with their daddy but his wife is about to have or has already had a baby ... so maybe they will be at Lena's.

Can you believe April is almost here!?!?!?!? sigh

Spring has...

Speaking of pictures...
Before all of this pain stuff increased, I went out and started taking pictures showing that spring has...well, sprung!
Obviously I didn't get as many as I wanted - boo hoo me.
But enjoy the ones I do have :)

well, I know that this isn't springish really, but it is the last of the winter wood my parents will burn.
This is a bush in my front yard, there have been a few people call it different things. All I know is it has thorns on it, sometimes a tiny apple or 2 will be on the whole big bush. But it always blooms in the winter just as spring is being thought of.

Ok, not so springish either. But this funny little chicken has funny 'hair' so I snapped it's picture. See all those ball like things laying around???? Those are balls of hell! My parents must have had a brain blockage when they planted these trees - ohh about a dozen of them. I could never run around barefooted in the front yard. And if I did run outside with my shoes on there was still the likelihood of you rolling your ankle or just plain ole falling down. You rake and rake all summer, and fall and still they are there. They do burn good though. I have also seen crafts made out of them, but I just hate them for lots of reasons. Some of them still have a little stem on them which makes for good throwing when you are having a ball fight with your brother and cousins. They are called Sweet Gum Trees...don't buy them...even though they do have a great shade!

This rooster was giving me the evil eye, I had walked into their 'territory' - which is my parents entire property!

I just thought he had such pretty colors.

I finally got a pic of him crowing. He is the master rooster I think!

This is the rooster and his hen...I think that is a hen.

I planted these wild march flowers in the stump of this tree a long time ago. I was probably 15 or so. It was only 2 or 3 bulbs way back then. This year there were no blooms...not sure why.

Yes another hell ball, nestled in with some wild violets.

I thought this was a Bradford Pear tree, but daddy said it was some kind of wild tree that blooms. huh!

The hell ball tree starting to get blooms for the leaves...a few balls hung on long enough to fall later on and make walking treacherous in my parents yard...grrr!

This pretty little tree will have pretty little red/purple flowers.

This was a flower garden across from my in - laws. They always have some great beds...nice people too.

Hydrangea leaf peaking out.

Ooo hostas pokin' their way up out of the ground....I love hostas!

a weeping cherry tree in my inlaw's yard. They have some awesome gardens!

Flats of pansies that didn't get planted at the Lena's house, but they sure are still pretty and are gonna get planted SOOON!

Some bloom on a bush by their house, only one on the bush...not sure what that was!

I think these are paperwhites? I am terrible with plant names...just know they are pretty!

Are these called paper pinks then?? haha...I crack myself up...probably only myself too :)

I love this tulip tree. It makes me miss my friend Jodi who died way too young. A mutual friend of ours lost her dad about this time of year. We both loved this tree and the friend had just built a house and their yard was just grass mostly. And since this blooms around the time of his death, thought this would be a pretty reminder of life. I am sure Joyce loves this tree - I see it planted and growing big in her yard. This has been 7 or 8 years ago, and now when this tree blooms I think of Jodi and her life and how our beautiful friendship was such a blessing to me.

Another pic of the tulip tree.

Speaking of tulips....one growing by the pond.

I am SO sane!!!...that is what the docs said!

It has been a long week. To say the least! I had slipped in the shower, went to the ER (that is a story for another day....GRRR) So I made an appointment with my pain doc; Tuesday morning I went for an injection and mri of my back. The injection went fine, the MRI showed that I did indeed tear some scar tissue - blah. He said all that I can do is continue with the increased pain meds. And vallium to relax my muscles. Talk about LOOOOPY!

I get done there around 9ish (went in at 630 !). I head to the psych doc for the eval. I wasn't told it would be an all day thing. I had another appointment at 11 with my GP so we had to break the psych eval up a little. I had to take this test that had these wacked out questions on it. Like do I hear voices that no one else does? Do you feel like you are being followed or talked about. Do you love your mother....some of them soooo strange. I only had to answer 370 questions, he said I didn't seem manic or crazy so the other 400 I didn't have to do...THANK GOD!

I figured that that was a useless test and I went to my GP while they graded it and such. I only let my GP write rx's for me. It is a pain sometimes, but I take so many different things I just don't want anything screwed up. I walk in and get weighed and in 3 weeks I gained 14 pounds!!! Impossible!!! He checks my legs and ankles and feels it is fluid. I didn't realize how swollen my ankles were. So he rxed me a fluid pill and I have to monitor my weight for 2 weeks. YAY something else to worry about. I noticed I was short of breath a lot more lately and he said that was why.

So I leave there to go to lunch then to the quack doc again and I go to get out of the car and my right leg (the one that is my trouble leg) gave out. I stepped out onto the cement and I had NO control over it. Was so strange. I got a big boo boo on my knee and my ego. I still can barely walk on it...I think the numbing meds in the injection might be causing it. If it is no better tomorrow I will call the pain doc.

I go in and 2 docs came in to go over my verbal/communication part - which I didn't know they were really paying attention to what I said lol . And to go over the test. They both feel that mentally I am doing good and that I have goals and realistic expectations of my future with this stimulator. That while I want to go back to work, the likelihood is low but to be able to have some normalcy in other areas will compensate for the loss of work. He asked about my support system and of course there is Scott and certain family members and friends. Too, he asked if the only stress in my life was my chronic pain and things associated with that, and I told him that infertility hurts worse than the physical pain sometimes.

Then we talk about the test. I almost giggled when they pulled out this big graph and stuff. Then he started telling me what the test told him. OMGOSH....it was so right on the button! That when someone hurts me or upsets me that I internalize it or talk to someone not involved instead of confrontations. That I am very emotional - I cry at the drop of a hat - SOOOO TRUE! That I like things so - so and if they are not that way I wig out.....TRUE! That the pain has restricted my life and it makes me angry. That I am depressed about it but have outside sources that make me not be so depressed that I can't cope. Ummmm...I am not schizo or any major mental disorders....essentially I am extremely normal given the circumstances.

I asked why they make ppl do this and he said if I was having severe mental issues that I might think that the box is sending messages to the government or to space and I might try to physically take it out; and that makes sense. Also if I were extremely depressed and got the box and it didn't work that I might feel that I want to die or hurt myself. Because there is a risk of this not doing anything.

So after that long day, I have been home in bed most of this week. That silly fall out of the car pulled a muscle I think. I am going to mosey around tomorrow hopefully getting some of my strength back.

Scott had to call that therapist today to make sure what I was saying was true. (Since he couldn't meet with the doc on Tuesday) As far as Scott being supportive and us having a great relationship. The doctor seemed surprised that I speak so highly of my in laws and my family and how they have been so supportive. He said that things like this sometimes puts such a strain on every day life and relationships that they don't survive. If anything my relationship with Scott has thrived. My relationship with my mother and father in law has been amazing and has gotten deeper than I ever imagined. My own parents have been amazing - even with all of their health issues, they have been such a rock for me. Brad has been such a source of strength for me as well. I have wonderful friends that have been prayer warriors on my behalf, have been there for me when I have not been the best of friend.

This week I have spent a lot of time in prayer as well. A blog I LOVE and follow My Charming Kids . I somehow clicked on her little button and discovered Twitter. So I get updates from her and on Stellan all day and night. Every time I feel my phone vibrate, I am so terrified it might be something bad. This baby and his family need all of our prayers. The mother has an amazing heart, her strength and faith are inspiring. I even had Scott crying about him and their family. My prayer life has been strengthened through this though. I have cried and prayed for him, prayed in general more this week than I have in a long time. God deserves better than I have given Him lately. I am so glad He is a forgiving God. I have felt His spirit so much lately. There is just something about praying at ohhhh 4 am, when the earth is just starting to wake up, yet it is still so dark that your other senses are heightened since you can't see. It is just a sweet time to spend with my Lord. I understand now why my mother used to go outside to her prayer 'stump' before the sun came up to pray. [It was really a stump in the corner of the yard. It was an old apple tree that was cut down....I remember her coming in some mornings with her knees dirty and wet from the morning dew...I get it mamma...I get it]

Also...Rebekah....ooo sweet blessed Ben and Rebekah are riding a roller coaster. No doubt God has sent them a baby, easy huh? God never said it would be easy, just that we would never be alone. So things are still trying to knock them off their ride, but they are strong, their love is strong and their faith is strong. Pray for them, and if you have some extra moooolah they are taking donations for their adoption fees - which are crazy considering the circumstances!!

Ohh and Alex and Jill have FINALLY been blessed with a pregnancy! I am just over the moon happy for them. They are such a cute wonderful Godly couple. They are going to make wonderful parents. WOO HOO, don't cha just love great news like that!

Let's see....hmm, I went and took some pictures of Illan and Ida. Ida is so photogenic, Illan is too when he sits still. Cara would put him where we wanted him and before I could aim and shoot he was across the yard. I will post a slide show at the bottom. Ida just loves the camera...and vice versa!

Caleb had his birthday party last weekend. He is so super cute. I wasn't sure if I could be there...and apparently that was ok as long as his best buddy Uncle Scooter came! HAHA. I guess it should hurt my feelings that he loves Scott so much, but it doesn't. When it is just me there, Caleb loves on me....like Tuesday he fell asleep with me, but as soon as Scott got there - hmm who is aunt Hopie?? Tears might well up in my eyes when they run past me to tackle Scott, but they are tears of joy...tears that my heart melts at how much they love him. Tears that fall knowing how great of a father he will be given the chance. Tears because I know he loves those two as much as if they were his own. Tears that know when we leave them will be joined by his, because he loves them and wishes the impossible.

ANYWAYS...It was so funny watching him. I would catch him searching to see if Scott was watching him while he bowled. Caleb is just like Scott, and Chris too...he loves anything computer/video game related. He is gonna be a geek just like his daddy and uncle!! Poor thing! It was a fun party. Everyone was there pretty much. It was a little uncomfortable at first, but everyone loves that boy and wanted him to have the best day possible.

I will post some pics of that too at the bottom.

Chris' wife Jennifer is about to have her baby any minute. She seemed so miserable at the party. She is like 13 months pregnant haha. I am sure that is how she feels anyways. I hope and pray that the baby comes soon and she doesn't have a hard time. She is having a little girl...and they are naming it Hopie Grace...haha, just kidding. Lyric Grace Lail.

I miss my Huggins. I miss living across the street and being able to just hop over and say hi, see the kids, harass Burt. I miss them being able to come over and eat with us, watch big brother or American idol. SIGH. I wish they were here or I was there. I wish I had a friend like her here. I wish the ride wasn't so long and hard on me. UGH I keep wishin' and hopin' and ....can't remember the rest of the song.

I hope this surgery comes fast and it helps enough to make it worth it and enough to change my life in a good way. I would just love to be able to drive, heck....I would just love to be able to take a walk.

I am registering for classes at the local college. I have really enjoyed taking pictures and want to take classes towards an associates degree in photography and the business of. Funny, Cara said she was going to take some classes for the same thing! If it is something I really feel passionate about maybe her and I can make a business of it. Who knows.

Well, it is 2 am, my sleep patterns are crazy right now. I have not been able to get to sleep at a normal time in 2 weeks. I have been up past 5 am a couple days. I finally go to sleep and sleep until lunch time or so. And then I am always asleep when Scott gets home, he is worried...I think it is just a medication thing.

Precious-ness!

Remember when...

We thougth a thousand...a million - a billion was a lot???

I tried to wrap my brain around a trillion -

This is the one that hits me the hardest:

One trillion dollar = no personal income tax for 8 years. Yes everybody could live without paying income tax for 8 years.
(income tax source http://www.taxfoundation.org/news/show/250.html)

Total bailout commitments = 9 trillion dollars
= USA could be personal income tax free for 72 years!! Yes that means at least 2 generations.

(source NYTImes http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2009/02/04/business/20090205-bailout-totals-graphic.html)

Would eliminating personal income tax have been a better strategy to lift the country out of depression? I think so, do you?

"…….if you started the day Jesus Christ was born and spent $1 million every day since then, you still wouldn’t have spent $1 trillion."

$1,000,000 counted out $1 per second, non-stop, without a break, would take you just over 11-1/2 days to finish.

$1,000,000,000 counted out at $1 per second would take you 31.7 years to complete.

$1,000,000,000,000 counted out at $1 per second would take you 31,709 years and a few months to complete.

BREATHE!

Going back in history 1 billion seconds will take you back just over 31 years. So you will probably say that 1 trillion seconds will go back, [what?] to the dark ages? WRONG!

Going back in history 1 trillion seconds would take you back…[Are you sitting down?] to 29,000 B.C. Did you get that? That’s 29,000 years before the year 1 A.D

Remember, 1 trillion seconds ago it was 29,000 B.C.

1 trillion dollars could fully buy all of the following companies together.

1. Microsoft
2. Apple
3 Google
4. Wallmart
5. Coke
6. Pepsi
7. and still have 32 Billion left

How about supporting our girl scouts? 1,000 boxes of girl scout cookies for every single citizen in this country!

1 trillion dollars could buy back all the foreclosed homes from 2007 and 2008.

A stack of $1000 bills 4 inches thick, is one million dollars.

A stack of $1000 bills 358 feet high, is one billion dollars.

A stack of $1000 bills 67.9 miles high, is one trillion dollars.


Well, for those who wanted change, well change is what we will have left in our pockets.

A-HA!

40 year old eggs may not be rotten quite yet :)

Allyouwhohope blog

Isn't that a kick in the pants!

Pink is so your color honey!

My husband indulges me sometimes way too much!

"Honey, you should feel how this lip gloss from Bare Escentuals makes your lips tingle."

"No thank you hon, I am a manly man and I surely do NOT wear lip gloss."

"Come on, we are in the car going home - who will see?"

"NO way Hope, ya can't make me!"

"But honey, it makes them feel soo good, it is dark...I won't even be able to see it."

"Fine, but I don't like this and you can't blog about it."

"Ohh babes, you know I would never!"

leans over in the dark - his face lit only by the dashboard lights.

"Turn your head this way a little, the bumps might make me stick it up your nose - you don't want that."

he growls lowly under his breath as he turns his head towards me.

I get a big ole dollop tiny amount of glittery pink lip gloss and slather it on his purty lips.

"Now rub 'em together to get the full effect."

He does the manly chap stick rub.

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?"

doing everything in my power to hold in my giggle.

"HUH?"

"Ohh my gosh, my lips are burning - what is that stuff?"

"It plumps the lips - isn't it great!"

"NOO, it isn't great it is burning when I breathe and my lips feel swollen like when you get Novocain."

I can't control the belly laughter quiet giggles.

"I'm donna tick yo butt. Now I tant eben talt wite!"

The next 20 minutes I am rolling in the car, he keeps talking but I can't understand him. Every word he says makes me laugh that much harder. My sides are killing me. WHEW

BUT IT ISN'T OVER!

We get almost home (about 20 minutes later) and we planned to stop by the pool to get a public swim schedule. By this time, my laughter had subsided and things were normal - well, normal for us.

Dark in the car. I forgot about the bright powder pink hardly noticeable yet glittering lip gloss. He gets back in the car with the schedule and as I turn on the interior light to read...something catches my eye. Hmm, bright light pink hardly noticeable yet glittering lip gloss you might ask? YES!

"Honey, umm..."

Before I could get anything out he hits his forehead with one hand and wipes his lips with the other.

"No wonder the guy at the desk was giving me strange looks!"

"You do wear it well baby cakes, pink is so your color."

side splitting laughter ensues - along with glares and growls from the driver of the vehicle.

The Isaacs

Ok, I am drawn to them already because of their name...Isaac -when we have a child and if that child is a boy will be his name. Boy oh boy if you ever get the chance to hear them sing - don't miss it. Such a blessing, such beautiful singing, such heart touching testimonies...one of those foot tappin', shout amen-ing, praise the Lord and pass the tissues kind of concert.

They are a blue grass gospel group. They are a family. The mother, son and two daughters sum up the vocals. They have 3 others that play other instruments but the vocals are perfect. So many songs they sung touched my heart, made me cry and just kept me singing.

This song is one that I heard a while back but can't listen to it because it makes me do that ugly cry thing.

It is called Yours and Mine. The daughters and the mother sing it to each other. It makes me remember a conversation with my mom. She cried telling me how she wishes she could have a child for me, could take away the pain of being empty. She is so amazing to me, I don't know what I would do without her. She is my hero.

Anyways, here are the lyrics and the daughters sing first and the mother sings what is in parentheses. I love having a mother that shares my pain and my joy.

I hope I didn't wake you (It's never too late)
My heart is so broken (Honey, It'll be OK)
I wish you were here now (I wish I was too)
Don't know what I'd do without you

(chorus)
If I could take the hurt all away
I'd gladly walk in your shoes
I'd rather it be happening to me than you
I'd love to turn your tears into laughter
And all of your rain to sunshine
But since I can't take it
Let's make it yours and mine

I heard from the doctor (I heard the bad news)
Oh I am so frightened (I've been praying for you)
I don't understand it (Sometimes life isn't fair)
Seems like more than I can bear

(chorus)

I'll laugh with you, cry with you
You know I would die for you
Together we can make it through

(chorus)

Since I can't take it
Let's make it yours and mine.

They were just great. Here are is a picture from that night and a small sorta video. I wish I had gotten all of It is well, whew.

edited to add...yes, the man's red shirt says 'Granny's Kitchen'...

Miracles

I know they are every where. Most days I believe it without question. I admit though, I wonder where, when, if the one miracle I have prayed for will happen.

The last 4 months my cycle has been amazingly normal. 29-31 days, obvious changes in cervical mucous. N O R M A L! We haven't tried, but my mind and heart are running in 19039 different directions. So, I scheduled an appointment with a new RE. He is also a gyno, so I will be getting all that female stuff done. My sister having a mass on her ovary that was cancer also spurred this appointment.

We don't know what will happen, if the doctor thinks I could even carry one with my back. But, I do want to know if he thinks my eggs aren't fried yet - being I am 40 n0w...UGH.

If they are, we have someone in mind to ask to carry a baby for us. We have prayed about it and talked to our parents and we think this might be a possibility. The thought of a baby having Scott's eyes and my little ears is overwhelming.

If they can't be used, then that is how God wanted it and we will go full steam in another direction.

When I really started thinking about it this week, it seemed every where I turned - miracles were being discussed. One mother got a mail from her insurance asking her if she wanted to participate in some programs that are available for her son with special needs. They could send heart medications and other assistance since he has heart disease. The title of her thread was 'She didn't get the memo'...the memo was her baby was healed of his heart problems before he was born. A miracle no doubt. She couldn't wait to send that memo to show how great our God is. Then another came home with her Samuel - a miracle from God and the song on her blog sung of miracles. I watched a DVD from our church in Myrtle Beach and sure enough - miracles.

Fertility/infertility is a winding road. I make a turn sometimes and feel like it is all over and I should just veer off the road completely. Then the next curve wakes all those baby dreams up and sigh!

Ok, got a few other things to post, so I will go onto them.

Mark

Today is my brother's birthday. In less than 30 days will be the anniversary of his death. He was 35. I miss him. I regret, ohh how I regret not being a better sister, friend. Hindsight is 20/20 and sometimes that isn't a good thing. I thought we had time. I thought I could be mad and then make up and laugh about it later. I thought he would grow out of it. I thought he would wake up one day and addiction would lose it's hold. I thought when that happened we could be normal again. Normal for us was laughing, crying when he pulled my hair. Normal for us was sneaking out of school so we could go fishing. Normal for us was sitting side by side on the piano bench taking turns playing or playing one of those silly songs together. Normal for us was fighting - with one of us getting in trouble with mom. Normal was arguing and tossing a salad on his head with a big ole slice of cucumber stuck on his forehead with ranch dressing. I thought we had time. My heart breaks missing him. I called my mom this morning to tell her I loved her and that I know that today is hard. She broke down crying. She wasn't sure if anyone remembered. I spoke to Misti in an email and she was having a sad day and realized that it probably has to do with missing him. I can't remember his voice, his laugh. I remember his eyes, his dark brown eyes. He bounced when he walked. He could play the piano like no one else, all by ear - never a lesson. He was so smart. He always hugged his mom. He smoked constantly...every picture we have almost, has a cigarette in his hand or mouth.

I wouldn't want him back here, he was in pain and his addiction caused him pain beyond what we can comprehend. Mark LOVED his family and for this addiction to cause him to do some of the thing he did - I know he hurt over it, he had a soft heart. I wouldn't want him back because I know he is sitting with Jodi (my best friend who past), they both are laughing. He has probably been playing the piano with his uncle Lee Ervin playing the fiddle. I am sure he has pranked a multitude of angels. He has probably talked Jesus into going fishing. See, I don't want him back here because he was a sinner saved by grace and he is in Heaven. He is there with his baby that was murdered during an abortion. He left his wife when he found out. He has no more addiction, no more pain, no more tears and no more heart breaks. I love you, I miss you, I can't wait to see you.

March...already? Where did Christmas go?

I went with my parents and Johnny to Santee to let the men folk fish and ma and I sat on the porch enjoying rocking in the rocking chair and watching the boats go by.

They didn't catch many fish, but Johnny and my dad had some good time together. While there it was my father's 78th birthday and my parents 54th wedding anniversary. I am so blessed to have them both still in my life. He has such extensive health issues - it amazes me all he does.

There was no internet...which at first sent chills up my spine, but I was able to read 2 books...one awesome and the other pretty good too. I read 90 minutes in Heaven and wow! I also read Love Letters, it is a story about a man in the early 1900's that assists a war buddy in writing letters to his love. It is a little slow in places, but over all good. It was written in the early 1940's. I love old books....and old movies.

I did figure out how to get yahoo on my blackberry, and I was able to check my mail and such on it. But, I couldn't figure out the browser so that was about the extent. Ohh and facebook was available. It did open my eyes to how much I depend on this thing for entertainment and communication. My neice called me ... to get reception I had to close one eye, stand on my tippy toes and hold it out to the sun (just kidding but reception was dicey). My niece said she was gonna call me every day 'til I called her back...which made me smile, then she said here is my number - I know you are writing it down and starts to say her number. I hit 44 to replay and get my pen and paper and start to write it down 828...and the message ends. I giggled at her, she is so much like me...dramatic and animated most times. So I waited for her to call me back being she said every day and she has lied to me, lied lied lied...haha, just kidding. I do know she has a life and a busy one at that. Lily is an imaginative, active, creative, giggling little sweet girl that I know keeps her on her toes. Now she has Simon, he is around 9 months now I think. I am sure he is keeping her busy too. Plus she works from home, breastfeeds...and like a lot of us has a husband :) which means lots of work!!

She is a great mom and even though she is so busy she still offers to help me or take me somewhere. Not only her, but a few other people. They offer to bring me dinner, take me shopping, clean my house and I always turn them down.

In reading this book 90 minutes in Heaven, I took a lot from it but one of the most touching thing was this.

In the book he was in the hospital for 109 days, mostly flat on his back with this contraption on his leg. He was angry, he was depressed...he didn't understand how God would let him glimpse into heaven and then bring him back to earth. So many emotions that left him appreciative of the love and care he received but also the feelings of not deserving and not wanting to be a burden to anyone. His Christian life led him to serve others, to be there for them. That was his ministry. He was talked to by a friend and realized that letting others be there for him, help him was their ministry - their labor of love done through Christ. Things as simple as letting someone bring him magazines or a milkshake. The reaction from those that loved him after being able to help in some way was so touching.

There is so much to get out of this book but that is something personal for me. During all this stroke/back time of my life I repeatedly turned down friends and family when they offered to help me. From the simple things of dropping by or to the big things of cleaning my house or bringing a meal. I feel bad that I didn't let them do things. It wasn't that I didn't want them to really, it is just I didn't want to be a burden. I loved being the one to do things, and it just wasn't me to be on the other side.