Friday, March 06, 2009


Today is my brother's birthday. In less than 30 days will be the anniversary of his death. He was 35. I miss him. I regret, ohh how I regret not being a better sister, friend. Hindsight is 20/20 and sometimes that isn't a good thing. I thought we had time. I thought I could be mad and then make up and laugh about it later. I thought he would grow out of it. I thought he would wake up one day and addiction would lose it's hold. I thought when that happened we could be normal again. Normal for us was laughing, crying when he pulled my hair. Normal for us was sneaking out of school so we could go fishing. Normal for us was sitting side by side on the piano bench taking turns playing or playing one of those silly songs together. Normal for us was fighting - with one of us getting in trouble with mom. Normal was arguing and tossing a salad on his head with a big ole slice of cucumber stuck on his forehead with ranch dressing. I thought we had time. My heart breaks missing him. I called my mom this morning to tell her I loved her and that I know that today is hard. She broke down crying. She wasn't sure if anyone remembered. I spoke to Misti in an email and she was having a sad day and realized that it probably has to do with missing him. I can't remember his voice, his laugh. I remember his eyes, his dark brown eyes. He bounced when he walked. He could play the piano like no one else, all by ear - never a lesson. He was so smart. He always hugged his mom. He smoked constantly...every picture we have almost, has a cigarette in his hand or mouth.

I wouldn't want him back here, he was in pain and his addiction caused him pain beyond what we can comprehend. Mark LOVED his family and for this addiction to cause him to do some of the thing he did - I know he hurt over it, he had a soft heart. I wouldn't want him back because I know he is sitting with Jodi (my best friend who past), they both are laughing. He has probably been playing the piano with his uncle Lee Ervin playing the fiddle. I am sure he has pranked a multitude of angels. He has probably talked Jesus into going fishing. See, I don't want him back here because he was a sinner saved by grace and he is in Heaven. He is there with his baby that was murdered during an abortion. He left his wife when he found out. He has no more addiction, no more pain, no more tears and no more heart breaks. I love you, I miss you, I can't wait to see you.

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  1. Wow, Hope. I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine life without my brothers...they are my best friends. Praying for your family on this day of remembering your brother.


  2. I'm sorry you have to live without your brother for now. I can imagine that losing a sibling would be very, very hard. It is only our siblings who know just what it was like to grow up the way we did.

    So sorry for your loss.