It has been a long week. To say the least! I had slipped in the shower, went to the ER (that is a story for another day....GRRR) So I made an appointment with my pain doc; Tuesday morning I went for an injection and mri of my back. The injection went fine, the MRI showed that I did indeed tear some scar tissue - blah. He said all that I can do is continue with the increased pain meds. And vallium to relax my muscles. Talk about LOOOOPY!
I get done there around 9ish (went in at 630 !). I head to the psych doc for the eval. I wasn't told it would be an all day thing. I had another appointment at 11 with my GP so we had to break the psych eval up a little. I had to take this test that had these wacked out questions on it. Like do I hear voices that no one else does? Do you feel like you are being followed or talked about. Do you love your mother....some of them soooo strange. I only had to answer 370 questions, he said I didn't seem manic or crazy so the other 400 I didn't have to do...THANK GOD!
I figured that that was a useless test and I went to my GP while they graded it and such. I only let my GP write rx's for me. It is a pain sometimes, but I take so many different things I just don't want anything screwed up. I walk in and get weighed and in 3 weeks I gained 14 pounds!!! Impossible!!! He checks my legs and ankles and feels it is fluid. I didn't realize how swollen my ankles were. So he rxed me a fluid pill and I have to monitor my weight for 2 weeks. YAY something else to worry about. I noticed I was short of breath a lot more lately and he said that was why.
So I leave there to go to lunch then to the quack doc again and I go to get out of the car and my right leg (the one that is my trouble leg) gave out. I stepped out onto the cement and I had NO control over it. Was so strange. I got a big boo boo on my knee and my ego. I still can barely walk on it...I think the numbing meds in the injection might be causing it. If it is no better tomorrow I will call the pain doc.
I go in and 2 docs came in to go over my verbal/communication part - which I didn't know they were really paying attention to what I said lol . And to go over the test. They both feel that mentally I am doing good and that I have goals and realistic expectations of my future with this stimulator. That while I want to go back to work, the likelihood is low but to be able to have some normalcy in other areas will compensate for the loss of work. He asked about my support system and of course there is Scott and certain family members and friends. Too, he asked if the only stress in my life was my chronic pain and things associated with that, and I told him that infertility hurts worse than the physical pain sometimes.
Then we talk about the test. I almost giggled when they pulled out this big graph and stuff. Then he started telling me what the test told him. OMGOSH....it was so right on the button! That when someone hurts me or upsets me that I internalize it or talk to someone not involved instead of confrontations. That I am very emotional - I cry at the drop of a hat - SOOOO TRUE! That I like things so - so and if they are not that way I wig out.....TRUE! That the pain has restricted my life and it makes me angry. That I am depressed about it but have outside sources that make me not be so depressed that I can't cope. Ummmm...I am not schizo or any major mental disorders....essentially I am extremely normal given the circumstances.
I asked why they make ppl do this and he said if I was having severe mental issues that I might think that the box is sending messages to the government or to space and I might try to physically take it out; and that makes sense. Also if I were extremely depressed and got the box and it didn't work that I might feel that I want to die or hurt myself. Because there is a risk of this not doing anything.
So after that long day, I have been home in bed most of this week. That silly fall out of the car pulled a muscle I think. I am going to mosey around tomorrow hopefully getting some of my strength back.
Scott had to call that therapist today to make sure what I was saying was true. (Since he couldn't meet with the doc on Tuesday) As far as Scott being supportive and us having a great relationship. The doctor seemed surprised that I speak so highly of my in laws and my family and how they have been so supportive. He said that things like this sometimes puts such a strain on every day life and relationships that they don't survive. If anything my relationship with Scott has thrived. My relationship with my mother and father in law has been amazing and has gotten deeper than I ever imagined. My own parents have been amazing - even with all of their health issues, they have been such a rock for me. Brad has been such a source of strength for me as well. I have wonderful friends that have been prayer warriors on my behalf, have been there for me when I have not been the best of friend.
This week I have spent a lot of time in prayer as well. A blog I LOVE and follow My Charming Kids . I somehow clicked on her little button and discovered Twitter. So I get updates from her and on Stellan all day and night. Every time I feel my phone vibrate, I am so terrified it might be something bad. This baby and his family need all of our prayers. The mother has an amazing heart, her strength and faith are inspiring. I even had Scott crying about him and their family. My prayer life has been strengthened through this though. I have cried and prayed for him, prayed in general more this week than I have in a long time. God deserves better than I have given Him lately. I am so glad He is a forgiving God. I have felt His spirit so much lately. There is just something about praying at ohhhh 4 am, when the earth is just starting to wake up, yet it is still so dark that your other senses are heightened since you can't see. It is just a sweet time to spend with my Lord. I understand now why my mother used to go outside to her prayer 'stump' before the sun came up to pray. [It was really a stump in the corner of the yard. It was an old apple tree that was cut down....I remember her coming in some mornings with her knees dirty and wet from the morning dew...I get it mamma...I get it]
Also...Rebekah....ooo sweet blessed Ben and Rebekah are riding a roller coaster. No doubt God has sent them a baby, easy huh? God never said it would be easy, just that we would never be alone. So things are still trying to knock them off their ride, but they are strong, their love is strong and their faith is strong. Pray for them, and if you have some extra moooolah they are taking donations for their adoption fees - which are crazy considering the circumstances!!
Ohh and Alex and Jill have FINALLY been blessed with a pregnancy! I am just over the moon happy for them. They are such a cute wonderful Godly couple. They are going to make wonderful parents. WOO HOO, don't cha just love great news like that!
Let's see....hmm, I went and took some pictures of Illan and Ida. Ida is so photogenic, Illan is too when he sits still. Cara would put him where we wanted him and before I could aim and shoot he was across the yard. I will post a slide show at the bottom. Ida just loves the camera...and vice versa!
Caleb had his birthday party last weekend. He is so super cute. I wasn't sure if I could be there...and apparently that was ok as long as his best buddy Uncle Scooter came! HAHA. I guess it should hurt my feelings that he loves Scott so much, but it doesn't. When it is just me there, Caleb loves on me....like Tuesday he fell asleep with me, but as soon as Scott got there - hmm who is aunt Hopie?? Tears might well up in my eyes when they run past me to tackle Scott, but they are tears of joy...tears that my heart melts at how much they love him. Tears that fall knowing how great of a father he will be given the chance. Tears because I know he loves those two as much as if they were his own. Tears that know when we leave them will be joined by his, because he loves them and wishes the impossible.
ANYWAYS...It was so funny watching him. I would catch him searching to see if Scott was watching him while he bowled. Caleb is just like Scott, and Chris too...he loves anything computer/video game related. He is gonna be a geek just like his daddy and uncle!! Poor thing! It was a fun party. Everyone was there pretty much. It was a little uncomfortable at first, but everyone loves that boy and wanted him to have the best day possible.
I will post some pics of that too at the bottom.
Chris' wife Jennifer is about to have her baby any minute. She seemed so miserable at the party. She is like 13 months pregnant haha. I am sure that is how she feels anyways. I hope and pray that the baby comes soon and she doesn't have a hard time. She is having a little girl...and they are naming it Hopie Grace...haha, just kidding. Lyric Grace Lail.
I miss my Huggins. I miss living across the street and being able to just hop over and say hi, see the kids, harass Burt. I miss them being able to come over and eat with us, watch big brother or American idol. SIGH. I wish they were here or I was there. I wish I had a friend like her here. I wish the ride wasn't so long and hard on me. UGH I keep wishin' and hopin' and ....can't remember the rest of the song.
I hope this surgery comes fast and it helps enough to make it worth it and enough to change my life in a good way. I would just love to be able to drive, heck....I would just love to be able to take a walk.
I am registering for classes at the local college. I have really enjoyed taking pictures and want to take classes towards an associates degree in photography and the business of. Funny, Cara said she was going to take some classes for the same thing! If it is something I really feel passionate about maybe her and I can make a business of it. Who knows.
Well, it is 2 am, my sleep patterns are crazy right now. I have not been able to get to sleep at a normal time in 2 weeks. I have been up past 5 am a couple days. I finally go to sleep and sleep until lunch time or so. And then I am always asleep when Scott gets home, he is worried...I think it is just a medication thing.