fun with Chirsten and Caleb

We went to Scott's parents and there were Chirsten and Caleb. They are so much fun. I wish some days I had an ounce of their energy. Caleb is turning 4 this week and he is just soooo smart. It seems both of them walked and talked early, and Chirstens teachers are always talking about how smart Chirsten is, she is usually ahead of all of the other kids in her class. She gets her smarts from me HAHA.

The kids though, are going through a lot of things. In spite of all of the issues with their parents...and the mothering of the grandmother...they are good kids. They are well-behaved, smart, beautiful children. It scares me sometimes how they will be when they get older, they get everything and I do mean everything they ask for...and reality is not going to be like that.

They love Scott...I have never seen kids act like they do around him. Scott has always been scared around kids and now he just plays and acts like they are his own kinda and it is so heart warming to see it.

Speaking of energy....

On a lighter side..

This crazy dog just steals my heart more and more every day. She has calmed down a lot and when Scott isn't home she comes and lays her head on my leg....sooo sweeeeeet. Lots of slobbery kisses too. Her and the cat has finally started playing...

so funny!

Yesterday Lily and Misti came for a visit...Lily is so photogenic.

the last one was her holding the clothes I had gotten her...looks like she likes 'em huh?

She is sooo cute.

Then today...we finally get a car. Funny we started out Scott wanted nothing but a Jeep...NOTHING else would do. Well, 4 weeks later, he and I talked and we didn't think that the jeep would be too kid friendly and that is our future one way or the other...so this is what we got. VW Passat Wagon...lol far from a jeep! It is so nice, all leather and just an all around sweet ride.

Days are...

so unstructured since I haven't been working. I never thought I would miss work but I DO! Too much free time, time to think, time to just dwell on so much!

I woke up this morning with a high temp...NOOoo not a fever, a higher basal body temp, meaning maybe I ovulated this month, will see how it carries out. I don't think it happened, but who know...God does!

I think I am ok, then I watch something on TV, go into a baby store, walk down the babyfood section in the grocery store, and I wanna be able to tell my mom I am pregnant like the girl on TV, I want to go buy new clothes and spend way too much on my child, I want to get baby food and diapers and formula and bottles...ugh. I sit reminded of my empty spot that no well meaning family member can make go away...just this week was told again..."If it is meant to happen...it will happen" I wanted to say sure, and it must be meant to happen that I hang up on you...CLICK. See how that would make them feel?? People just don't get how excruciatingly painful infertility is...every day, every hour...some days every minute. This morning sitting on the porch watching the dog play, thinking about how much my child would enjoy this puppy...crying, and the only way I can think to get the pain across...to somehow explain this is - to me, I have experienced a death....my most deepest desire....no my child has died. That sandy blond haired, blue eyed baby boy I have dreamed about, secretly bought clothes for and toys and such for, has died. He was as alive in my heart and soul and mind as any other baby, but lately I have realized that the chances of that baby being in my arms...being anything other than a dream are very slim. I know that may sound dramatic, but getting to the point of foster care and adoption has came at the high price of acceptance...acceptance that my Isaac isn't going to be. And before all my Christian - God can do anything - family and friends think I have given up on God's power.....I haven't, but clinging to this hope has made me wait 17 long long years before I could say ok, there is another way. I still know that once a month or so...I will think ooo I am 2 days late, could it be...then emotionally go through that whole process again. I wish God would do the writing thing on the wall, or a dream, or some way have told me a long time ago, thousands - maybe 10's of thousands of dollars ago that I was not going to have a child. Funny, when family and friends thought we just don't manage money well, we blow it a lot...most of the time we were privately seeing a specialist, doing tests, buying meds that insurance wouldn't cover. We aren't Burt, that is for sure...love you Burt :), but now that we have given up that quest...our bank accounts look better, bills are paid on time and ohh gosh we have some money in Savings!!

Before I end this, ALL the love in my heart that I have had for my Isaac is still there, some days it consumes me...today is one. But, my heart is open to a gift, to a child that may need me, need my love, my silliness, my laughter, my tears, my arms, my home, my family, my God, my everything. I know that all I have I could and will give to whatever child God sends my way. This is His plan, I am but a pawn. I know that Scott feels the same way, he is the one that opened my eyes to all of this when he said that God may have a child out there that needs us just as much as we want a child. He said that maybe our plan isn't just to have a child, but to save a child.

One day at a time, Lord Jesus, that is all I am asking from you...

What new life can do...

It can cure the funk!

And I have been in quite a funk lately, culmination of a lot of things, but a funk none the less. So what do you think my dear sweet loving *cough* husband does...takes me to get this...



This is Sandy Sue Caroline and here is her story. She is 7 1/2 months old, her previous owner Chuck got her when she was 2 months old. He has an older black lab and after 5 months of trying, the older lab Ebony stayed out of sorts disconnected while Sandy was there. So he put an ad in the paper to 'interview' people to take her. She is registered AKC, he paid 250 bux for him, but was giving her away to the right family. He explained to people when they called that she was an inside dog. The woman he chose picked her up Thursday night and called him later that night frantic. She put her outside in a fence and left her. When she got back the dog had jumped the fence and she wanted to know if Sandy had jumped a fence before. Chuck said, she has never been in a fence before! He told her he was coming to get her and so he did. It was just meant to be, when we got there, there were 20 messages on his answering machine about her and he had set up times with a lot of folk, had talked to a few already too. But, as soon as I walked in, Ebony and Sandy were all over me and he said they really don't do that. Then Sandy...exhausted by the night before lays on my feet and falls asleep! We thought we would be talking to him and then leave and then he says he feels that we are perfect for her and would we want to take her home. Oooo I was so excited. He gave us all of her paperwork with her heritage and registration and such, then handed us two bowls full of toys an another collar. He hugged and loved on her and then we loaded her up! Ebony even jumped in the car to go.

He offered us the crate that she uses and we took that as well. She is house trained, does a few commands, and is crate trained to stay in their while we are gone and such. Luc never used a crate, but he never was destructive. I don't know if we will use it as much, but we'll see.

So this morning I got up at 6 and she came running with not one...but two toys in her mouth! I don't know how she did that. So we played in the house for a bit, she is so good at fetch and then we walked outside and played until she did her binnnness.

Henry....not so happy, he won't even sit long enough to even talk to the dog. He didn't come out from under the couch until I took her outside, soon as we walked back in...zooooooooooooom. Poor cat, I know he hasn't ate or drank all night...not to speaking of poooop or pee...at least he better not have under that couch!

Hoping today ends our car search, Scott really wants something better to drive up and down that mountain. UGH I would rather take Scott shoe shopping....and that is saying a lot.

Poooor Henry...last time I really touched him and then he jetted as soon as he saw Sandy :(

Ohh and a new frig can help with the funk too...:) New Samsung black frig...yay me!

Party went well

The cake...so cool!!



Daddy and his brother Leon....between them they can smell a cup of coffee 8 miles away! Thank God I got my mammas nose! :)





Daddy Debra and his brother Junior....look at those ears!



Aunt Betty with my sweet mommy!

Chris came to celebrate his fishing/golfing buddy.

Sweet brother Todd.

Me, brother Johnny and Todd singing...was fun!

Daddy and Lisa

Me and my poppy!

Me and my oldest brother Tommy.

Lil and her pops Johnny my brother :)

Newly weds Bradley and Marquita

Cara, Misti and Lily all smiles!

Chef Susie...actually she did do so much. Her job and other things has kept Susie from being at many family functions, and she has been really missed. Her smile is contagious, she makes people feel good, she helps out in any way, she is just such an important member of this family, her absence has been felt. She was my best friend growing up. *good memories - sigh :)*

this was by far my favorite picture of the night! China doll looking I think. Just could eat her up...




The party was very good. Not as many people came as I had hoped, but the ones that needed to be there were there I guess. It was so great to see daddy with his family and I look forward to more get together soon. I have talked about a family day and will get more into that in another post.

Happy birthday my dear Poppy, words can't tell you how proud I am to be your daughter, how much I love you and respect you...and appreciate you. *sniffles*

BUSY...sigh..and my poppy

Colins birthday party in Myrtle Beach, Todd has a heart attack, my birthday, we moved Scott back to NC, our Anniversary, Scott started his new job, Illan born and now this party! I am just so overwhelmed. No matter what I do the party is gonna happen, I was late getting out invites, really wanted to find more people that knew daddy back when to come, but I have just ran out of time! Thankfully this time I have more help with the other stuff. Misti and Lisa have been God Sends! Ooo will have to do something nice for them.

No matter what, it will be fun...lots of fun. I am just so blessed my daddy ... my poppy is still here with me. He has not had it easy. His dad died when he was really young, then his mother ran off and left him and his brother with his grandfather who was then killed so Daddy and Leon pretty much did it on their own. He had rheumatic fever as a child which affected his heart. They didn't' know that until later on in life...he was working for Hanes and went to the doctor and they found that both of his valves were in really bad shape, nothing helped and in 1991 he had open heart surgery and they did the rare thing...replaced both valves at one time. He did well and survived the surgery. But the ticking of the valves nearly drove him mad...or should I say that his fear of not hearing them. He was then diagnosed with atrial fibrillation and started on Coumadin - which means lots of blood work every month. Then about 5 or 6 years ago, he was getting so weak and he went to see the doctor and Dr. Hearon...who I adore...said he needed a pacemaker...and not just any ole pacemaker...a bi ventricular one! Only put in in larger hospitals. My dad protested to go to Baptist Hospital in Winston, his step father went in for a simple surgery and died there from a staph infection. We all, me included convinced him that that is rare and it won't happen to him. He went in for the surgery, should have been a 2-3 day ordeal...nope. Because of the Coumadin (blood thinner) he spent over a month in Winston. He came home and things were going good. He finally was released to be able to do things, and went fishing in Santee, SC. He was on the boat reaching up to the dock to pull himself up and the boat jerked and he felt a little something around the pacemaker, and within 24 hours he was in intensive care with a staph infection. He went to the hospital in Columbia. The doctor called and my mom and I got in the car and raced to the hospital. The doctor told us to come right away that he wasn't doing well. We get there and he barely can talk, he is shaking with the worse chills I have ever seen. The doctor came and got me and said he couldn't get much info from dad because he was not with it due to the fever and such. I told him that he just had a pacemaker put in a few months back and they said it had to come out and he walked away calling doctors and such. But, I knew this was a special pacemaker, not just anyone could take it out. So I called doctor Hearon and he told me to stop them, not to let them do anything or they would kill him! Then he said let me talk to the docs there. I carried my cel to the doctor and after 10 minutes they were loading him up to go to Winston Salem Baptist Hospital to do it. Family met us there and at one point the doctors told us he may not make it through the night and wanted us to be prepared. They took the pacemaker out, put in a pic line (like an IV sorta...goes in a large artery and can stay for a long time) and put a pacemaker on the side of his neck...STRANGE! He was in the hospital for a long time 2 more months and they transferred him to Hickory again. Then because I worked with Dr. Hearon, arrangements were made that he could come home with me, with a pump and injections and every other day trips to the hospital for dressing changes. My mom and I gave him shots in the belly and flushed Heparin through his pic line and mixed his antibiotics and such every day...twice a day. Finally we took him back to Baptist and they put the pacemaker on his right side and he has done pretty good since.

We are all just blessed to have him still here. I can't wait to celebrate his 75th birthday!

more pics

WOOOOOOOOOPSIE DAISY!

Precious is a baby..

New life

Today at p.m. Illan Daniel Miller was delivered into this world. He weighed 6 pounds 15 ounces and was 19 3/4 inches long.

Cara started having contractions late Sunday night and went to the doctors Monday at 1 pm. They opted to send her to the hospital for observation at first, but then admitted her. The doctor said Illan wouldn't make his grand appearance until today at the earliest. So all went home to get sleep and prepare for the big day. Lisa stopped and picked me up so I could be with her today and there were no feelings of I don't want to, I can't do this...none of what I feel typically when a baby is being born.

We get there, Cara isn't talking, she is hurting so bad...and I will say it...she was plain EVIL! :) Not once to me, but to others including the nurse lol. Time goes sooo slow, they talked about Pitocen and epidurals and about that time...Misti, Brady and the sweetest little girl ever...Lily arive. Every time I see her I gasp. She is so beautiful, and her eyes...are so striking. See what I mean:

There is nothing touched up...the blue is the blue of her eyes. I did black and white the pic though...just thought that was a neat thing :)

I knew I couldn't pick her up, and I was hurting soo bad in my back that I didn't oooogle over her like I usually do when I see her. I wanted to, I didn't...sigh, All the way home all I could think about was what if Lily remembers I didn't play with her or hold her...lol...I know, next time I see her she will forget about this time. Once Scott gets settled in his job....I hope that Misti and I can do things together...if nothing but hang out. I want Lily to run to me, to hug my neck, to hold out her arms for Aunt Hopie.

OKOKOK...
I know this post is supposed to be about Illan...but look at her...

Ok where was I?

They give her the Pitocen at around 11 and then about 12ish they break her water and give her the epidural. She dilated to an 8 by 130 and her contractions are 2-4 minutes apart. OOOoo getting so close. I sat down beside Cara and held her hand, she was hurting sooo bad. The only time before Illan was born that I cried. I hated to see her hurting. I leaned down to kiss her hand and told her that if she needed me in there that I would come. Then her and Randall said that if he couldn't handle it...could I come in. I can't tell you how that made me feel. Ok, I did cry again then.

The nurse came in and asked us to step out that she needed to check her and then WAhhh la... 2:10 or so...she was dilated a 9...almost 10 and said we would have a baby soon. I could hear her having Cara push and breathe. Then came the doctor at 2:28...4 minutes before the baby was born EEEEK. I snapped a pic of the clock as soon as I heard them say...here he is! Needless to say Randall made it through and I didn't go in. Then I run to the door and turn the video part of my camera on and record his first cry...awww such a precious sound. Someone said, you go 9 months waiting to hear that cry then a life time trying to keep them from it :)...ok I just made that up...pretty good huh?



We finally get to go in...I say finally it was like 14 minutes after the birth...lol We go in and they are handing him to Cara.. Cara looked 100 % different than when I had seen her 30 minutes earlier. She is smiling, happy and talking! Yawning a lot too though. She hands him off to Randall...he reluctantly takes him, worried about hurting him. AWWW
Then...it was my turn...I was the first non parent person to hold him...felt sooo special! He was so tiny wrapped up in that big ole blanket. He is just too cute for words. He has Randalls mouth, My eyes..lol and Caras face and ears. OOOooo I could just eat him up.

Then the rest of the family held him. I finally got through to Scott at 5ish I guess. He insisted on coming there to see the baby and Cara, he loves her so much. And of course to see me. Here is Lily touching him...aww

I really was fine, so happy for her, not one selfish thought until...until I saw my sweet sweet husband walk through the doors. He worked 9 hours today drove almost 3 total and still wanted to share this with me. He came in, could tell he had been crying a little. He walked into the room, lots of people still in there and he came to me and just hugged me so tenderly. The baby was in the nursery, so he didn't get to hold him. But there he stood...this man who would be...who will be such a great daddy, and his arms, his heart, his whole being void of a child. I feel so responsible...and yeah say it all...it isn't my fault, blah blah blah blah blah. We walked to the nursery, held our emotions and then said out goodbyes and as soon as we got to the car...sobbing ensued. I don't understand it, I don't guess I am not supposed to or ever will. All I know...my wonderful, sweet, loving husband deserves the title DADDY! SIGH..sorry Pity party over...

All in all it was a wonderful day. Illan is happy and healthy, his first night on this crazy earth. I hope to spoil him, love him and let him know...I will be there.

Illan, one day you may read this...doubt it, but you may. You have such a cute little butt...ok made you blush. But, you have beautiful skin, hands, feet, ears, mouth and nose. Your mommy and daddy are so happy to have you here finally. Your grandparents and cousins and aunts and uncles are just so in love with you already. You will have so many people there for you while you grow up. Jesus loves you baby boy, I hope you cling to Him and His promise. Not only does he love you, but so do your Uncle Scooter and I!

Ok.... I have written a short book. But, so many emotions I had to get them down.

17 years, Illan, 75th birthday...big week!

Scott and I celebrated 17 years being married on Saturday the 10th. I still can't believe it has been that long that we have been married. Life itself has had ups and downs, but US...WE...have went from strong to stronger every day. We don't argue, we don't fight, we hold hands, we kiss, we tell each other we love the other every day...multiple times a day. I don't know why God blessed me so much with Scott. I dated some very nice guys...but seeing some of them lately has made me even more glad that Scott came ....or was sent to me. 17 years, if we had had a child to begin with, he/she would be a Junior/Senior in High School!! OHHH GOSH I am so old. I could literally be a grandmother by now if I had a baby during our first year...*SHIVER*


Illan Daniel is on the way!

About 2:30 dad steps on the porch to tell me that Cara is being admitted to have the baby. I think he came to tell me so I wouldn't be so emotional...such a sweeet daddy.

I am really excited. I plan on going there soon as Scott gets home. My back is out, but I think it will be ok.

If they think he will come tonight, I plan on spending the night with Lisa...would hate for her to do this all alone. Cara is so special to me and I just have to put any negative feelings behind me and be 100 percent there for her.


Daddy is turning 75 on the 23rd...WOW. I have been late starting the plan for a party...it snuck up on me. I need to call Misti and Lisa and hmm who else to get some help planning and organizing. I told Daddy today we were having a party...no way I could keep it from him, I needed to know some things for the party and the only way to get the info was to ask him. We planned it for the 23rd, but Todd is going to be out of town...so now I am wondering if we shouldn't have it on the following Sunday....the 25th. SIGH.

Well, gotta get some things done for dinner and get ready to go see Cara. Really am going to try and keep this up more.

*A baby is God's way of saying...life should go on!*

God is on time...all the time.

We prayed for God to lead us, and it really felt like he led us home to NC. We didn't know what was in store, how we would do it...but we did it. I came home just before Christmas. Scott turned in his notice to work until January 31st. Well, January 25th or so came and he had no job...we can't be without insurance, a salary...we just have too many things going on. So we questioned our move, our faith wavered and Scott even asked to have his last day extended until the end of February. What we thought was an unfortunate not possible...ended up being a blessing. He had a third interview on Monday with the job that was on top of his wish list. He felt really good about it, but he has had the same feelings with a few of the interviews. So all week we have been thinking about ways to make money in other ways, stressing about what we are going to do.

Late last night, we were at Scott's mom and dads house. Scott and his dad ran out to get dinner and my phone rings. The man asks for Scott and I tell him he isn't here can I take a message. That is when our world changed...our prayers answered...our faith renewed...The man said, I am calling from One Who Serves....I know he had to hear me gasp and get all giddy. I told him he should call Scott on his phone and then paused and asked him if it was good news. He then said...and you could tell he was smiling...I hope Scott thinks this is good news!! YAY. I sat on pins and needles waiting for Scott to call me back. FINALLY he called and said, Guess what?? I played dumb, and he told me that we had a decision to make! "WHAT? You didn't tell him yes?" I asked Scott. Scott told me that Gordon...his new boss :) told him not to make a decision until Scott and I could sit and talk about it. I thought that was so thoughtful! So Scott has called him this morning and left a message for him to call him back. Once Gordon gets Scott's answer, they will send him the contracts and such. Scott starts work Monday.

God was right on time! Scott needed a break from all the driving and stress that we have had to deal with during this transition. He got almost 2 weeks. Thank you GOD!

This just finally marks the beginning of this chapter of our lives. Once we get a few things done to the house and he gets a month or so under his belt at work, we will start welcoming foster children into our home in hopes to adopt. I get so excited talking about it, thinking about it. YAY.

Now if God will just lead us to our new Church. We have visited a few and none have been the right fit. I feel we were spoiled by Grand Strand...I just don't know how we will find a church even close to giving us everything that we received there. But, God has a plan!

I miss my church so much, I miss Burt and Leslie and Colin sooo much. We spent so much time together, I feel like I am slipping back into that rut of just staying home and not doing much of anything. Now that he will be working and I am doing some scrapbooking for some friends...making a lil money I hope....we will get out and look up old friends.

A new year...

A new year, new house (sorta), new church, new jobs, new (old) resolutions. I hope this is a year for lots of new things, people, places and kept resolutions.

As far as resolutions...of course the diet/weight loss one. I also had these:

-make a budget and stick to it.
-be a better wife, daughter, friend, aunt and Christian.
-sing more
-read my Bible and make more time for God.
-stop with the clutter!

This last week has been difficult. Scott is in Myrtle Beach working, and it was so hard to see him go and being by myself without him has been terrible. We will be married 17 years next month and I am so used to him being there...I just can't stand being without him.

He has had interviews, but nothing has came of them. He did get a call back yesterday from one job that the man that he interviewed with has quit/fired/something and the one that they are hiring to replace him wants input on who gets the job Scott is applying for. Then he got a call from a woman in Winston Salem, Wachovia bank. She says she is very interested in interviewing him. It is a bit further away than we wanted but the salary is nearly double what he makes right now...sooooo we are considering it.

The house is starting to come together. I have wayyy to much crap. And so much has to be done still to the house. But, until Scott is here and life is back to normal, it will have to wait.

I have had family over a bit since being home. I made some mexican soup and Mom and Dad, Misti and Brady and Lily came over. It was so nice, Lily is so funny. She got so sleepy but fought it so hard. She would fall while walking every few steps, but get up and her eyes would roll a little and walk/fall again. I needed it a lot while Scott was gone, my 2 brothers came by one night and ate with me...oops 2 nights. We fried catfish, onion rings, taters and slaw...YUMMMMY.

I have Henry...my Christmas kitty and he is soooo much fun. He will lay down beside me and roll over on his back and paw at me to rub his belly...just like a puppy. Sooo cute.

We haven't started any thing yet on the foster/adoption road. The lady I spoke to said it would be best if Scott had a job here before we get too deep. I am working on paperwork though.

We are keeping Chirsten and Caleb tomorrow....I am so excited. I haven't wanted to take care of any child for so long unless it was my own. But, I have to get over that...and they are so dang cute!

Hey Kari! ((HUGS))