"It just isn't fair" from a 5 year old

Ok, let me tell ya'll, I am in love with me some Caleb! That is Chris' son and we have been here all week almost and he has gotten so attached to me. Never does he miss a chance to go to walmart or John's work...or any where that includes a road trip - no matter how small.

Well, he hasn't left my side pretty much all week other than to go home at night. Soon as he gets here in the mornings he is all over me....super cute, I wanna just take him home. Chirsten used to be like that, but she is a little older and likes being on the disney site and can't change the channel from animal planet or a cooking show.

Him and I were here alone the other day and I was showing him pictures of Italy. *get your kleenex available*

He said "Hopie...when are you gonna marry uncle Scooter?"

I giggled and said "I married him a long time ago! "

confused he said "How long ago?"

"Almost 19 years!"

his eyes opened wide..."WOW, that is a long time - if ya'll are married why don't you go ahead and have babies??"

my heart kinda skipped "Well, we haven't been able to."

"Well, there are other people not married as long as you and they have babies - just go ahead and do it!"

"Caleb, the doctors have tried to help us have a baby and so far God hasn't given us one, but we are looking at other ways."

his eyes all scrunched up "Well, that just isn't fair that you don't have a baby - mommy has two babies and you have none - that just isn't fair!"

trying my best not to cry "Well, we are about to try even harder to have a baby."

"I am glad, I hope you have a lot soon. You and Scooter are a great uncle and aunt - ya'll will make a great mommy and daddy!" Caleb said it so matter of factly

"Do you really think so?"

"Yep I sure do, ya'll play games and Scooter is fun. I think you should have a boy too...I will like a girl but ya'll need a boy" Then he went back to flying his x-box plane like we just had the most normal conversation!

I tried my hardest to hide my tears so not to think he hurt my feelings or anything...later when I told Scott I couldn't hold them back at all. Scott looked at me and said he was having a problem with his eyes...they were leaking...haha. That conversation was with a 5 year old...sigh

Having that conversation with him just reaffirmed our decision to adopt.

The real breaking news :)

For two weeks Scott and I have been talking about adoption. Well, we have talked about it for a long time - but these past two weeks it has been every day, deep, serious talkS. We have always felt that even if we had a biological child, we would still want to adopt. Scott is adopted (by his father - his mother is his bio mom). We have a cousin that is adopted. I worked in WIC and saw the foster children and newly adopted children coming through so happy with their new families.

These last two weeks, deeply thinking about it, praying about it - talking about it has brought this peace. It hasn't been like an ah-ha moment...it came gradually, warming us from the inside out. I can't explain it fully, words just aren't enough. But it just feels right.

I never wanted to adopt and have that child think they were plan B. I think we have been working on plan B for all of these years and adoption has been our real plan A from the beginning.

I just don't think we are meant to 'birth' a baby. Right now every person who thought/said "don't say that" or "don't lose faith" or "that's not true!" take it back. Really, take it back. Take back what you think is the right or godly response and hear my heart. I quoted this from Rebeka. Down the road, God may change that but right now He has really laid it on our hearts to adopt, to share all we have to share with a child.

What does all of this mean really??? Fostering to adopt is a possibility. We are looking at different local agencies for adoption. I have a dear friend who is possibly going to put us in touch with a woman who is pregnant who is considering adoption. It is amazing how possibilities are opening up...they were there all the time, our eyes and hearts just weren't ready for them.

God's time Hope...He really does have a plan.

Please pray for us as we start this walk. I am praying our families are as open to all of this as we have became. I know our families love us and will love our child, but there are always those seeds of doubt...sigh. I am making an all about us kind of scrapbook to send to Jami so she can share 'us' with this woman. I know most agencies need them as well. It is so hard to condense 39 years of life, almost 19 years of marriage, large families and friends...God...all of that into a few pages. Please pray for God to give me the words to say...the ability to let others see Him in us and that they fully see our heart.

I guess this is the biggest reason for the quiteness *sorta* lately. I didn't want to really share what we were thinking until our hearts were fully into it and we knew we were ready.

I also wanted to talk to Keta. She is married to Brad, she is black. Scott and I have always been open to adopting outside of our race or bi racial. I wanted to ask her how she would feel if God sent us a baby that shared her race. She smiled and said she would be more than ok with it. She is so special to me. When they got married, Scott and I actually said we thought that maybe God sent her to us (besides giving Brad the best wife ever) to help us share her history and educate us on things we won't know. She has a precious family and I am sure they will welcome our child with open arms as well.

Things are still new and at the beginning for us. Scott is anticipating a promotion at work and we should know soon if that is really going to happen. If it does we plan on moving closer to where he works as this new position will be intense and possible longer hours some days. But, he loves his job...he loves offering advice on purchases and having some aninomity in some areas. He is very hands on, and this promotion will possibly take away from that and give him more administration type duties. But, his boss said he can reconstruct this position and delegate some of the paperwork aspects. So until this is all decided we are doing all we can before taking the bigger steps. Even if something happens and they decide to do away with this position (which was the plan before Scott got there - but he has impressed them and they are reconsidering) by the end of July the wheels will be turning.

Several people have opened our eyes to adoption - mostly here in blog land. Rebekah is definitely one of them. Go to her blog...you can't help but smile as soon as you see her header! Just go...you will see what I mean. One of the others is Glenna, her faith for and obedience to God humbles me. She amazes me with her complete trust in Him. She and her husband just adopted. At the last minute it almost all fell through. Most - including myslef - would have been crushed to the point of anger and rage at God...not Glenna. Even in the uncertainty God shown through her like a beacon to me. She gave Him the glory for all of it, she cried out to Him and He heard her earnest prayer...and He answered with a beautiful baby boy. I have never spoken to her and probably never will, but my heart was inspired by her, broken for her when I thought all was lost. Then my heart sang and my eyes wept when I read that our prayers were answered. It was like I was there, like she had been in my life forever and I really felt the anticipation, the potential heart brokenness and the joy of everything turning out wonderfully.

Thank you all for your prayers and for the prayers you will pray for us. We really feel them.

Here is the first page of our scrapbook, I am working on the rest this week. I thought it would make me so emotional to do it...and it has to a point but the biggest emotion I am feeling is anticipation for His miracle to be worked in us. I just feel like all of this is going to happen soon.

Soo....I think that is it, thanks again for all of the comments and prayers - I am not at home so I can't really read feeds, but will try to respond to some posts tomorrow.

Italy's first photo shoot :)

I wish I could do this professionally - but then I would wanna take the babies home and not many parents would like that *sigh*

My favorite is the one with their hands on her back...and the one with Brad holding her...he is such a good daddy. And sorry there are so many - there could be 228 - which is how many I took. I culled them down to 68 for them and 20ish for here...tough man...it was tough!!

aww loved this pic with her mommy holding her head :)
Her daddy loves her so much
awwwww

They make such a pretty family...and a pretty baby :)
little angel
if I could tell you how many times I have kissed these toes!
teeny tiny butt
sigh...ahh

sweetness

isn't that precious!

look at that chubby belly
goodness
sweet little smile - and no she didn't poot
angelic
sweeeeeeeeeeet head of hair

daddy holding her tiny feet
I couldn't help but show her jazz hands...haha
happy lil family
so funny sitting her up...she didn't care for it too much

look at that chubby face
whew...I just love her
tiny feet get me
she was getting hungry and I caught this shot of her trying to suck daddy's thumb!
tiny little ear

BREAKING NEWS.....

BREAKING NEWS :::













In 2009 the government will begin

locking up all the mentally ill.





I started crying when I thought of you.

Run little buddy, RUN!!!!





a little haha just thought we all might need it!

It's a boy!...

*BABY NEWS and PIC BELOW*


My niece Misti gave birth finally *smiles* to a bouncing baby boy. It was kinda funny, I talked to her the night before and we laughed how she might wait until the 4th of July and by early the next morning she was in full blown labor. His name is Simon Oliver and there are a couple pictures on Lily's blog. I hope to get to play with him soon. I bet Lily is loving having a new baby around.

The picture is of Italy though... I went there today to spend the afternoon and take some pictures. I got home and this was the first one I got to 'play' with and it turned out so cute. She wasn't as cooperative as I hoped, she did not like being naked at all!! We had to put her diaper back on and feed her, make her sleepy, get her to sleep and then sneak it off after we got her on the fur haha. The fur was the jacket her mommy wore at their wedding. After we almost were done...Italy shared her yellow bladder juice with the jacket and we all had a laugh. Two seconds earlier and she would have peed on mommy haha.

I will post more later and will post some other news then too...am on the upswing of Emotionville...and I attempted to cancel future reservations - we will see how that goes.

Sorry...

Sorry for the lapse in posting. I have also been lacking in the commenting department, but hope to catch up over the next few days.

Over the last few days it has been ... I don't even know how to describe it. Culmination of several things has pushed my sadness of not having a child to the nth degree. Of course the side kick to that is my mind starts racing with scenarios of seeing a new RE, start actively pursuing adoption, should I start temping and charting again. All of this coming at me with the intensity of a locomotive going at top speed.

Then I am snapped back to reality with the sharp edge of this chronic pain and maybe I should just swallow the big girl pill and accept the title mother will never be associated with my name. But the side kick to that is it will also mean that Scott will never be a father and that is the most unacceptable option. UNACCEPTABLE GOD!

I have the best father, so does Scott. That alone should make for a great father's day. It surely takes the edge off, but this special day is my most difficult - it trumps mother's day. The church service was hard on Scott, seeing his brother with his children was hard, seeing other fathers wearing their father of the year smiles was hard. We didn't speak about it, first year we didn't cry together about it. I don't know if he is just used to it or trying to be strong for me - or if like me he sobbed alone in another room.

I was holding Italy yesterday. While holding her I would whisper in her ears about things we would do together when mommy goes back to work. How I would read to her, sing to her, teach her to crochet and knit. How I couldn't wait until she started talking and walking. I told her I have so much love in my heart for her and I will cherish every moment together.

Within seconds of them going home I fell onto my bed in a bundle of heart brokenness. All that I will do with Italy, I want to do with my child.

All of this longing and sadness and feelings of failure and grief could be changed into the most intense love and devotion with a breath of our child. The intensity of these feelings is so overwhelming. Could you imagine the power they would have if longing changed to fulfillment, sadness to unmeasurable joy, failure to success and the grief of unrealized dreams changing to ecstasy of motherhood?

People don't understand the pain of infertility. They gloss over it like it's similar to having a cold or a broken finger. Sure it is aggravating and painful for a while - but you get over it. You forget about it.

And as difficult as it is for them to understand it, it is sometimes equally difficult to explain it. Especially to women who can look at sperm and get pregnant.

It is like you have two men sitting at a table - let's say DAviD HOFfMANY and NOrbiT A-DAlaDe. David had breakfast and lunch, Norbit hasn't ate for days. David appreciates the meal, he eats and rubs his full tummy and walks away. He knows that when he wants to eat, he is pretty much guaranteed a good hot meal. Norbit has been wanting this meal for what seems like forever and nothing but a good hot meal will satisfy his hunger. He watched David eat and expects a similar plate of food brought out to him. It is just the normal expected thing to have a meal when you want it; especially when you have paid extra for the same meal here at Cafe Furtilitea. When David left, Norbit did eat his left over bread and eggs from his plate, but all it did was fuel his hunger. Norbit waits and waits, the Maitre RE comes to his table and tells him that everything will be just fine, he will see to it. He opens his jacket, trying to discreetly show him these pills and injections that will help Norbit quench his hunger. Norbit's stomach growls and his throat is dry from nothing to drink. He thinks to himself that he would be more than happy with a meal brought in from another restaurant. He would love and enjoy that meal as much if not more than one he even cooked himself. He watches as almost all the others in the Cafe get their meal and then head for home, happy and content. Norbit looks around and he feels all alone. The Maitre RE has failed, his waitress named Uterosa can't seem to get it together and Chef Ovarita can't get anything else out of the kitchen. They start to dim the lights signaling it is almost closing time. Norbit is close to giving up on a meal. For some they think Norbit is over dramatic, but they don't realize this is a meal for the heart and not the stomach. Norbit can live on bread and water, he can even get a little satisfaction of eating from someone else's plate on occasion. But his heart is empty, and that hunger never goes away and has only one specialty on the menu that will quench it. He knows it can be prepared in a variety of ways and preparation isn't what is most important.

I know that might sound silly. (no might to it huh?)

As always, I will get out of this place...I just have multiple reservations and even though the accommodations pretty much suck - I keep coming back again and again. I am amazed at how warming it is at times to enjoy the fruits off someone elses plate. It is when I have to give the fruit back that I come back to reality.

BLAH! :) And this too shall pass, He has a reason and a plan and a purpose...all of this can't have been experienced for nothing - He has a miracle on the horizon. I have to believe that or drown.

Time Flies

Time flies.

Saturday we went to the funeral. Walter's wife Faye just never changes, she was one of the first people I saw. She was handling it very well I thought - but you know how people can hold it together for a while on the outside.

Then I saw Susie, my heart just skipped at seeing her almost collapse in my moms arms hugging her so tightly. It was hard to keep my composure when she came to hug me. I just can't imagine her pain.

It was nice to see some of Susie's family that I hadn't seen in a long time. When I was a child we spent a lot of time together and now we are all grown up.

The service was beautiful, heart easing which is what the family needed. The pastor was a long time friend of Walters and the family. The sincerity of his words were felt, he knows he will see Walter again in Heaven. The main point of his message was for us not to focus on just what we lost, but think what Walter has gained. A new healthy body free of pain and able to breathe with no assistance. He has sat down and talked with our Heavenly Father, he was greeted by loved ones that we all miss. Think about what we have gained by knowing him and Walter will always live on in each of us.

We went to their home after the service, intending to only stay a little bit and give them the food mom had cooked. I knew better :) Before everyone had even gotten there, Faye had fixed mom a plate of food and they sat and talked and talked. We were there until about 6 pm, it was nice.

Why do we let time fly by and only make the effort when something happens?

On the way home, mom and I talked about old times and mom asked if I thought Faye would move to Morganton to be close to Susie. I told her that would be wonderful for Susie and Faye, and mom said it would...and how it would be so great if her and Faye could be best friends again.

In the sadness of loss, sometimes it brings healing. You realize how fleeting time is, how people you love are worth more than things or words. Forgiveness comes - sometimes without speaking the words it just comes.

Susie and her family knew time was short for them and Walter. It doesn't make death easier really, but it affords you the time to talk and express love and in your own heart and soul say goodbye. We are not all granted that time. I think about my brother. He was there one night, gone the next morning. There was so much I would have liked to have said. He was 35, you just don't expect a 35 year old to be gone.

Don't miss a day to tell people you love how you feel. Don't let hurt feelings or anger fester and make your heart cold to someone. Talk to them, get it all out and let it heal. It is too late after they are gone. Sadly, I speak from experience.

James 4:14 Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away.

Pick an emotion...

It seems this week I have been visited by every emotion on the spectrum. Saturday Italy was born - all sort of emotions that day and the days following. Cara had Ida on Monday. I really am happy for both of them, I think I had more smiles and those warm your heart moments than the 'other' feelings.

I spent way too much time at the hospital and I paid with my back and a headache. But, it was worth it. I could never replace those moments, and I wouldn't have missed them for anything.

Today my mother called to tell me that Walter had passed away. I had talked to Johnny on Sunday so I knew it was close, Hospice was called in. But, I thought I had time to go see him and get one of his great big hugs. Time isn't promised, I regret putting it off.

I wept for Susie. Susie went to school for her RN degree, working so hard to get it. It was later in life, but she worked so hard to reach her goal - besides that she is so good with patients. I am sure the personal touch part came easy to her.

There was a reason God inspired her to get her degree. Though I am sure she never thought that she would use her skills to keep her dad comfortable during a time that the doctors had said would be a difficult death. Over the last year Susie has spent more and more time there. It was almost an hour away from her work and home, but many times she would leave work and go there. Johnny said that the last four days Susie barely slept, she was with him day and night doing whatever it took to keep him comfortable.

If it hadn't been for Susie, some other nurse would have done much of the work. She wouldn't have been personally invested. I totally respect Hospice nurses - I don't know how they do it. But God prepared Susie for this.

They said it would be a difficult death with all of his health issues. But, he went peacefully. That is such a blessing.

I talked to Johnny today and he told me some of what happend over the last 24 hours and that Susie is taking it so hard. I asked to speak to her and as soon as I heard her voice I broke down crying again. I love Susie so much, I can't imagine how she is feeling. She is always the strong one, she is always the shoulder to lean on and I am sure she still wants to be that for her sisters and her mom. I am so glad she has Johnny.

I told her that Scott and I would be coming there over the next two days. She would be there for me. Mom, Dad, Scott and I plan on going Saturday for the service.

Scott and I went to eat at moms today - yeah we do that a lot! Cara was there with the baby and Illan, and the baby is sooo cute, head FULL of dark hair. Then here came Little John, Parker, Tamara and her daughter.

Little John was so heart broken. Little John (though he is 31 now!) has the most tender heart of any man I know. His love is so pure and so sweet. He crashed on mom's bed and he started telling mom and I about his feelings and regrets. He cried and was almost sobbing midway through. I got up and laid down beside him, not sure what to say - but I wanted to comfort him some how.

He said he failed his granddad and he should have went to see him more, spent more time with him. This handsome young man was broken, his heart hurts so much. He said he has one pawpaw left and that he was going to be around so much that dad was going to get sick of him. :)

Mom really feels Walter was saved, they used to all sing and go to church together when we lived in Gastonia. So, Little John has the comfort of knowing he will see him in Heaven some day!

Everyone had left and finally dad got home from the prison. They let him out in the evenings...JUST KIDDING - haha, he teaches a Bible study there once a week :).

Cara and her family came back just after Dad got there. Daddy held Ida Hope and when Randall got her out of the car seat, she screamed and screamed - daddy got her in his arms and she calmed right away. He held her for the longest time.

I couldn't breathe.
I had to close my eyes and count to ten.
Still when I opened them the tears fell.

All I could think about at that moment was my sweet precious daddy may never hold my child. That is a real possibility. In all reality, he shouldn't even be here. I have to stop this train of thought because I just can't coherently talk about it.

Father's day is Sunday. I think this is harder than Mother's day for me. Because I know it is ultimately my fault that Scott is not celebrated on this day. Yet another train of thought I can't continue writing about.

Yeah....I have no makeup on and look like crap - but just look at that sweet baby :)

Also, thank you for the comments on the song...those on here and in my email.

New Baby pics

She didn't like all the fuss around her at all - until Daddy got in there to hold her hand.

She is already a daddy's girl I think!

Paw Paw Todd, Maw Maw Lisa and Uncle Leon gazing at the new princess in their lives!

She is so alert and aware of things going on around her. Up until they put that goop in her eyes her eyes were wide open. Oooo so pretty!

Marquita's mom, Lisa and Auntie Hope

Finally getting a nap after all the passing around!

First bottle, he is gonna be such a great daddy.

Mommy and baby - awwwww I asked her how she was feeling, and her c-section isn't bothering her at all. I asked her how she was feeling about being a mommy and she said "I feel like I am dreaming, I am overwhelmed but in a good way." I love her!

look how long! seems longer too me than her actual length. aww a shot on her thigh :(

I am so in love with this baby already. She stole my heart when she was only a few minutes old. I have a feeling her and I will be best buds! I gotta get better, I have a lot of spoiling to do :)