Wednesday, June 18, 2008


Sorry for the lapse in posting. I have also been lacking in the commenting department, but hope to catch up over the next few days.

Over the last few days it has been ... I don't even know how to describe it. Culmination of several things has pushed my sadness of not having a child to the nth degree. Of course the side kick to that is my mind starts racing with scenarios of seeing a new RE, start actively pursuing adoption, should I start temping and charting again. All of this coming at me with the intensity of a locomotive going at top speed.

Then I am snapped back to reality with the sharp edge of this chronic pain and maybe I should just swallow the big girl pill and accept the title mother will never be associated with my name. But the side kick to that is it will also mean that Scott will never be a father and that is the most unacceptable option. UNACCEPTABLE GOD!

I have the best father, so does Scott. That alone should make for a great father's day. It surely takes the edge off, but this special day is my most difficult - it trumps mother's day. The church service was hard on Scott, seeing his brother with his children was hard, seeing other fathers wearing their father of the year smiles was hard. We didn't speak about it, first year we didn't cry together about it. I don't know if he is just used to it or trying to be strong for me - or if like me he sobbed alone in another room.

I was holding Italy yesterday. While holding her I would whisper in her ears about things we would do together when mommy goes back to work. How I would read to her, sing to her, teach her to crochet and knit. How I couldn't wait until she started talking and walking. I told her I have so much love in my heart for her and I will cherish every moment together.

Within seconds of them going home I fell onto my bed in a bundle of heart brokenness. All that I will do with Italy, I want to do with my child.

All of this longing and sadness and feelings of failure and grief could be changed into the most intense love and devotion with a breath of our child. The intensity of these feelings is so overwhelming. Could you imagine the power they would have if longing changed to fulfillment, sadness to unmeasurable joy, failure to success and the grief of unrealized dreams changing to ecstasy of motherhood?

People don't understand the pain of infertility. They gloss over it like it's similar to having a cold or a broken finger. Sure it is aggravating and painful for a while - but you get over it. You forget about it.

And as difficult as it is for them to understand it, it is sometimes equally difficult to explain it. Especially to women who can look at sperm and get pregnant.

It is like you have two men sitting at a table - let's say DAviD HOFfMANY and NOrbiT A-DAlaDe. David had breakfast and lunch, Norbit hasn't ate for days. David appreciates the meal, he eats and rubs his full tummy and walks away. He knows that when he wants to eat, he is pretty much guaranteed a good hot meal. Norbit has been wanting this meal for what seems like forever and nothing but a good hot meal will satisfy his hunger. He watched David eat and expects a similar plate of food brought out to him. It is just the normal expected thing to have a meal when you want it; especially when you have paid extra for the same meal here at Cafe Furtilitea. When David left, Norbit did eat his left over bread and eggs from his plate, but all it did was fuel his hunger. Norbit waits and waits, the Maitre RE comes to his table and tells him that everything will be just fine, he will see to it. He opens his jacket, trying to discreetly show him these pills and injections that will help Norbit quench his hunger. Norbit's stomach growls and his throat is dry from nothing to drink. He thinks to himself that he would be more than happy with a meal brought in from another restaurant. He would love and enjoy that meal as much if not more than one he even cooked himself. He watches as almost all the others in the Cafe get their meal and then head for home, happy and content. Norbit looks around and he feels all alone. The Maitre RE has failed, his waitress named Uterosa can't seem to get it together and Chef Ovarita can't get anything else out of the kitchen. They start to dim the lights signaling it is almost closing time. Norbit is close to giving up on a meal. For some they think Norbit is over dramatic, but they don't realize this is a meal for the heart and not the stomach. Norbit can live on bread and water, he can even get a little satisfaction of eating from someone else's plate on occasion. But his heart is empty, and that hunger never goes away and has only one specialty on the menu that will quench it. He knows it can be prepared in a variety of ways and preparation isn't what is most important.

I know that might sound silly. (no might to it huh?)

As always, I will get out of this place...I just have multiple reservations and even though the accommodations pretty much suck - I keep coming back again and again. I am amazed at how warming it is at times to enjoy the fruits off someone elses plate. It is when I have to give the fruit back that I come back to reality.

BLAH! :) And this too shall pass, He has a reason and a plan and a purpose...all of this can't have been experienced for nothing - He has a miracle on the horizon. I have to believe that or drown.



  1. I feel your pain. I really truly do. The valley you're in was the same valley I was in and out of for most of last year. I would have good and bad days. The good days were ones without crying, the bad days were REALLY bad. It's like you just can't get over it. you try. you confess. you give it to God. you get angry. you get sad. Nothing quenches the pain. I KNOW. The world is full of injustice and we're a part of it. My only encouragement for survival is to keep pressing through. Wake up every morning and say, "Lord, today is a new day."

  2. I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time. IF sucks. And no one can every truly understand, until they have gone through it.


  3. I don't think that your descrition sounds silly at all. It makes perfect sense.

    I will be praying for you as you go through the valley and I will specifically request a few more peaks. I don't know if we'll get it but it can't hurt to ask right?

  4. Oh, I think we are sharing thought waves. It is so hard to just let go but at the same time, when we do it feel so much better.


  5. Just a little note to say I love you and He will make you a mommy one way or another. I will see to it! LOL Well as much as I can anyway.

  6. I'm so sorry you're feeling down right now. It's sooo difficult to not get stuck in the Bog of Infertility. Ugh. Sending lots of hugs your way!

  7. Good luck to you in figuring out your path from here. I wish you peace with whatever decision you make.

  8. I think it makes sense too. The pain of infertility is so hard for outsiders to understand, nclm

  9. Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry. I'm sorry this place even exists and that so many of us have repeat reservations to go there. It stinks, doesn't it? If I could use my magic wand to get us the heck out of here, I would. Just know that you're not alone.

  10. I can't pretend to "know how you're feeling" but you describe your hurt and pain so vividly and honestly that we can get a glimpse of your sorrow. You are in my prayers and I'm sending big hugs right at you. Italy sounds like a lucky girlie to have you in her life!

  11. Just sending you hugs - I wish this wasn't so terribly painful. Remember God will always be there for you, you can be angry at Him or lean on Him or cry all over Him. He will be there. And this strong desire & love in your heart for a child will lead you. (((Hugs)))