Friday, June 27, 2008
Ok, let me tell ya'll, I am in love with me some Caleb! That is Chris' son and we have been here all week almost and he has gotten so attached to me. Never does he miss a chance to go to walmart or John's work...or any where that includes a road trip - no matter how small.
Well, he hasn't left my side pretty much all week other than to go home at night. Soon as he gets here in the mornings he is all over me....super cute, I wanna just take him home. Chirsten used to be like that, but she is a little older and likes being on the disney site and can't change the channel from animal planet or a cooking show.
Him and I were here alone the other day and I was showing him pictures of Italy. *get your kleenex available*
He said "Hopie...when are you gonna marry uncle Scooter?"
I giggled and said "I married him a long time ago! "
confused he said "How long ago?"
"Almost 19 years!"
his eyes opened wide..."WOW, that is a long time - if ya'll are married why don't you go ahead and have babies??"
my heart kinda skipped "Well, we haven't been able to."
"Well, there are other people not married as long as you and they have babies - just go ahead and do it!"
"Caleb, the doctors have tried to help us have a baby and so far God hasn't given us one, but we are looking at other ways."
his eyes all scrunched up "Well, that just isn't fair that you don't have a baby - mommy has two babies and you have none - that just isn't fair!"
trying my best not to cry "Well, we are about to try even harder to have a baby."
"I am glad, I hope you have a lot soon. You and Scooter are a great uncle and aunt - ya'll will make a great mommy and daddy!" Caleb said it so matter of factly
"Do you really think so?"
"Yep I sure do, ya'll play games and Scooter is fun. I think you should have a boy too...I will like a girl but ya'll need a boy" Then he went back to flying his x-box plane like we just had the most normal conversation!
I tried my hardest to hide my tears so not to think he hurt my feelings or anything...later when I told Scott I couldn't hold them back at all. Scott looked at me and said he was having a problem with his eyes...they were leaking...haha. That conversation was with a 5 year old...sigh
Having that conversation with him just reaffirmed our decision to adopt.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
aww loved this pic with her mommy holding her head :)
Her daddy loves her so much
if I could tell you how many times I have kissed these toes!
teeny tiny butt
isn't that precious!
sweet little smile - and no she didn't poot
sweeeeeeeeeeet head of hair
I couldn't help but show her jazz hands...haha
happy lil family
so funny sitting her up...she didn't care for it too much
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
My niece Misti gave birth finally *smiles* to a bouncing baby boy. It was kinda funny, I talked to her the night before and we laughed how she might wait until the 4th of July and by early the next morning she was in full blown labor. His name is Simon Oliver and there are a couple pictures on Lily's blog. I hope to get to play with him soon. I bet Lily is loving having a new baby around.
The picture is of Italy though... I went there today to spend the afternoon and take some pictures. I got home and this was the first one I got to 'play' with and it turned out so cute. She wasn't as cooperative as I hoped, she did not like being naked at all!! We had to put her diaper back on and feed her, make her sleepy, get her to sleep and then sneak it off after we got her on the fur haha. The fur was the jacket her mommy wore at their wedding. After we almost were done...Italy shared her yellow bladder juice with the jacket and we all had a laugh. Two seconds earlier and she would have peed on mommy haha.
I will post more later and will post some other news then too...am on the upswing of Emotionville...and I attempted to cancel future reservations - we will see how that goes.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Over the last few days it has been ... I don't even know how to describe it. Culmination of several things has pushed my sadness of not having a child to the nth degree. Of course the side kick to that is my mind starts racing with scenarios of seeing a new RE, start actively pursuing adoption, should I start temping and charting again. All of this coming at me with the intensity of a locomotive going at top speed.
Then I am snapped back to reality with the sharp edge of this chronic pain and maybe I should just swallow the big girl pill and accept the title mother will never be associated with my name. But the side kick to that is it will also mean that Scott will never be a father and that is the most unacceptable option. UNACCEPTABLE GOD!
I have the best father, so does Scott. That alone should make for a great father's day. It surely takes the edge off, but this special day is my most difficult - it trumps mother's day. The church service was hard on Scott, seeing his brother with his children was hard, seeing other fathers wearing their father of the year smiles was hard. We didn't speak about it, first year we didn't cry together about it. I don't know if he is just used to it or trying to be strong for me - or if like me he sobbed alone in another room.
I was holding Italy yesterday. While holding her I would whisper in her ears about things we would do together when mommy goes back to work. How I would read to her, sing to her, teach her to crochet and knit. How I couldn't wait until she started talking and walking. I told her I have so much love in my heart for her and I will cherish every moment together.
Within seconds of them going home I fell onto my bed in a bundle of heart brokenness. All that I will do with Italy, I want to do with my child.
All of this longing and sadness and feelings of failure and grief could be changed into the most intense love and devotion with a breath of our child. The intensity of these feelings is so overwhelming. Could you imagine the power they would have if longing changed to fulfillment, sadness to unmeasurable joy, failure to success and the grief of unrealized dreams changing to ecstasy of motherhood?
People don't understand the pain of infertility. They gloss over it like it's similar to having a cold or a broken finger. Sure it is aggravating and painful for a while - but you get over it. You forget about it.
And as difficult as it is for them to understand it, it is sometimes equally difficult to explain it. Especially to women who can look at sperm and get pregnant.
It is like you have two men sitting at a table - let's say DAviD HOFfMANY and NOrbiT A-DAlaDe. David had breakfast and lunch, Norbit hasn't ate for days. David appreciates the meal, he eats and rubs his full tummy and walks away. He knows that when he wants to eat, he is pretty much guaranteed a good hot meal. Norbit has been wanting this meal for what seems like forever and nothing but a good hot meal will satisfy his hunger. He watched David eat and expects a similar plate of food brought out to him. It is just the normal expected thing to have a meal when you want it; especially when you have paid extra for the same meal here at Cafe Furtilitea. When David left, Norbit did eat his left over bread and eggs from his plate, but all it did was fuel his hunger. Norbit waits and waits, the Maitre RE comes to his table and tells him that everything will be just fine, he will see to it. He opens his jacket, trying to discreetly show him these pills and injections that will help Norbit quench his hunger. Norbit's stomach growls and his throat is dry from nothing to drink. He thinks to himself that he would be more than happy with a meal brought in from another restaurant. He would love and enjoy that meal as much if not more than one he even cooked himself. He watches as almost all the others in the Cafe get their meal and then head for home, happy and content. Norbit looks around and he feels all alone. The Maitre RE has failed, his waitress named Uterosa can't seem to get it together and Chef Ovarita can't get anything else out of the kitchen. They start to dim the lights signaling it is almost closing time. Norbit is close to giving up on a meal. For some they think Norbit is over dramatic, but they don't realize this is a meal for the heart and not the stomach. Norbit can live on bread and water, he can even get a little satisfaction of eating from someone else's plate on occasion. But his heart is empty, and that hunger never goes away and has only one specialty on the menu that will quench it. He knows it can be prepared in a variety of ways and preparation isn't what is most important.
I know that might sound silly. (no might to it huh?)
As always, I will get out of this place...I just have multiple reservations and even though the accommodations pretty much suck - I keep coming back again and again. I am amazed at how warming it is at times to enjoy the fruits off someone elses plate. It is when I have to give the fruit back that I come back to reality.
BLAH! :) And this too shall pass, He has a reason and a plan and a purpose...all of this can't have been experienced for nothing - He has a miracle on the horizon. I have to believe that or drown.
Saturday we went to the funeral. Walter's wife Faye just never changes, she was one of the first people I saw. She was handling it very well I thought - but you know how people can hold it together for a while on the outside.
Then I saw Susie, my heart just skipped at seeing her almost collapse in my moms arms hugging her so tightly. It was hard to keep my composure when she came to hug me. I just can't imagine her pain.
It was nice to see some of Susie's family that I hadn't seen in a long time. When I was a child we spent a lot of time together and now we are all grown up.
The service was beautiful, heart easing which is what the family needed. The pastor was a long time friend of Walters and the family. The sincerity of his words were felt, he knows he will see Walter again in Heaven. The main point of his message was for us not to focus on just what we lost, but think what Walter has gained. A new healthy body free of pain and able to breathe with no assistance. He has sat down and talked with our Heavenly Father, he was greeted by loved ones that we all miss. Think about what we have gained by knowing him and Walter will always live on in each of us.
We went to their home after the service, intending to only stay a little bit and give them the food mom had cooked. I knew better :) Before everyone had even gotten there, Faye had fixed mom a plate of food and they sat and talked and talked. We were there until about 6 pm, it was nice.
Why do we let time fly by and only make the effort when something happens?
On the way home, mom and I talked about old times and mom asked if I thought Faye would move to Morganton to be close to Susie. I told her that would be wonderful for Susie and Faye, and mom said it would...and how it would be so great if her and Faye could be best friends again.
In the sadness of loss, sometimes it brings healing. You realize how fleeting time is, how people you love are worth more than things or words. Forgiveness comes - sometimes without speaking the words it just comes.
Susie and her family knew time was short for them and Walter. It doesn't make death easier really, but it affords you the time to talk and express love and in your own heart and soul say goodbye. We are not all granted that time. I think about my brother. He was there one night, gone the next morning. There was so much I would have liked to have said. He was 35, you just don't expect a 35 year old to be gone.
Don't miss a day to tell people you love how you feel. Don't let hurt feelings or anger fester and make your heart cold to someone. Talk to them, get it all out and let it heal. It is too late after they are gone. Sadly, I speak from experience.
James 4:14 Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
I spent way too much time at the hospital and I paid with my back and a headache. But, it was worth it. I could never replace those moments, and I wouldn't have missed them for anything.
Today my mother called to tell me that Walter had passed away. I had talked to Johnny on Sunday so I knew it was close, Hospice was called in. But, I thought I had time to go see him and get one of his great big hugs. Time isn't promised, I regret putting it off.
I wept for Susie. Susie went to school for her RN degree, working so hard to get it. It was later in life, but she worked so hard to reach her goal - besides that she is so good with patients. I am sure the personal touch part came easy to her.
There was a reason God inspired her to get her degree. Though I am sure she never thought that she would use her skills to keep her dad comfortable during a time that the doctors had said would be a difficult death. Over the last year Susie has spent more and more time there. It was almost an hour away from her work and home, but many times she would leave work and go there. Johnny said that the last four days Susie barely slept, she was with him day and night doing whatever it took to keep him comfortable.
If it hadn't been for Susie, some other nurse would have done much of the work. She wouldn't have been personally invested. I totally respect Hospice nurses - I don't know how they do it. But God prepared Susie for this.
They said it would be a difficult death with all of his health issues. But, he went peacefully. That is such a blessing.
I talked to Johnny today and he told me some of what happend over the last 24 hours and that Susie is taking it so hard. I asked to speak to her and as soon as I heard her voice I broke down crying again. I love Susie so much, I can't imagine how she is feeling. She is always the strong one, she is always the shoulder to lean on and I am sure she still wants to be that for her sisters and her mom. I am so glad she has Johnny.
I told her that Scott and I would be coming there over the next two days. She would be there for me. Mom, Dad, Scott and I plan on going Saturday for the service.
Scott and I went to eat at moms today - yeah we do that a lot! Cara was there with the baby and Illan, and the baby is sooo cute, head FULL of dark hair. Then here came Little John, Parker, Tamara and her daughter.
Little John was so heart broken. Little John (though he is 31 now!) has the most tender heart of any man I know. His love is so pure and so sweet. He crashed on mom's bed and he started telling mom and I about his feelings and regrets. He cried and was almost sobbing midway through. I got up and laid down beside him, not sure what to say - but I wanted to comfort him some how.
He said he failed his granddad and he should have went to see him more, spent more time with him. This handsome young man was broken, his heart hurts so much. He said he has one pawpaw left and that he was going to be around so much that dad was going to get sick of him. :)
Mom really feels Walter was saved, they used to all sing and go to church together when we lived in Gastonia. So, Little John has the comfort of knowing he will see him in Heaven some day!
Everyone had left and finally dad got home from the prison. They let him out in the evenings...JUST KIDDING - haha, he teaches a Bible study there once a week :).
Cara and her family came back just after Dad got there. Daddy held Ida Hope and when Randall got her out of the car seat, she screamed and screamed - daddy got her in his arms and she calmed right away. He held her for the longest time.
I couldn't breathe.
I had to close my eyes and count to ten.
Still when I opened them the tears fell.
All I could think about at that moment was my sweet precious daddy may never hold my child. That is a real possibility. In all reality, he shouldn't even be here. I have to stop this train of thought because I just can't coherently talk about it.
Father's day is Sunday. I think this is harder than Mother's day for me. Because I know it is ultimately my fault that Scott is not celebrated on this day. Yet another train of thought I can't continue writing about.
Yeah....I have no makeup on and look like crap - but just look at that sweet baby :)
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
She is so alert and aware of things going on around her. Up until they put that goop in her eyes her eyes were wide open. Oooo so pretty!
Marquita's mom, Lisa and Auntie Hope
Mommy and baby - awwwww I asked her how she was feeling, and her c-section isn't bothering her at all. I asked her how she was feeling about being a mommy and she said "I feel like I am dreaming, I am overwhelmed but in a good way." I love her!
look how long! seems longer too me than her actual length. aww a shot on her thigh :(
I am so in love with this baby already. She stole my heart when she was only a few minutes old. I have a feeling her and I will be best buds! I gotta get better, I have a lot of spoiling to do :)