Long story...

Short version!

I can't sit here very long so I will make this short and...well, just short.

I am still in the hospital, I am going home tomorrow I HOPE. Still having a lot of pain but not as bad as yesterday morning but still worse than before the surgery. He has me on some high powered steroids for the inflammation, which he thinks is causing the pain and such. They seem to be working but my sugars have been really high reaching 597 at one point. They are giving me insulin to help with that.

Thank you for all the visits, calls, flowers and prayers...they mean so much. I can't wait to be home to be in my own bed and to wear my own clothes.

He still believes things will be better and I do too. He was very disappointed that I am not doing better, but he said his hope and prayer is that things will get better soon. He discussed the possibilities of this being a scenario before the surgery but said it was very unlikely to happen...only 5-10% of patients have this type of outcome. I should have warned him about my recent luck :)

Misti, thank you for the call yesterday, I talked to mom and she said you had called her too. I really appreciate you calling your dad for me too...I was so sad that I hadn't heard from him and it hit me that he could be out of town and was so glad to hear he was. He called back again this morning, he always makes me smile. He did say he has cut his finger really bad and was gonna find some duct tape to fix it right up LOL. I love you...and you could have let me live in fantasy thinking Lil was saying HOPE in the background haha..jk, one day SOOON she will be saying it over and over!

Today's the day..

I am not toooo nervous, but as the time ticks closer I can feel palpitations :) Thank you all for your prayers and I know HE will get me through this.

Peace...

Faith..

Faith is trusting what the eye can't see.

Eyes see the prowling lion. Faith sees Daniel's angel.
Eyes see storms. Faith sees Noah's rainbow.
Eyes see giants. Faith sees Canaan.
Your eyes see your faults. Your faith sees your Savior.
Your eyes see your guilt. Your faith sees his blood.

Your eyes look in the mirror and see a sinner, a failure, a promise-breaker. But by faith you look in the mirror and see a robed prodigal bearing the ring of grace on your finger and the kiss of your Father on your face.

Video worth sharing..

I was reading a blog the other day and saw this video, well worth sharing.



Then I get this email from a friend...really made me think. I know God speaks to us in many different ways, and maybe God is speaking to me through a friend.

I just wanted to tell you about a dream that I had, it really was more like a vision. So vivid, and when I woke, I believed it. In my dream, I was at church and they said we had a guest speaker who was there to talk about faith and how God always follows through(After Ayla was home from the NICU my husband and I talked to our church on this very subject)Anyway, you and Scott walked up to the front and began to talk about your journey with God through the TTC process. You had FOUR beautiful children. FOUR! They had come from a family who didn't care for them properly and you and Scott adopted them. Hope these are the children th were created for you and Scott, they looked like you and immediately called you Mommy and Daddy. You were saying that you now understood why you hadn't conceived, you had children but just needed to find them. You and Scott and your children were happy and complete. You also spoke of your stroke and felt that at that time that was god's way of stopping you from taking the TTC further - you were meant to find these children. There were 2 girls and 2 boys. I hope you don't think I'm crazy. I was so touched by the realness that I felt - I just needed to share with you. I feel like God was talking to me, that He wants me to guide you in the direction of fostering/adoption. You have babies Hope, they're waiting for you!!

Tomorrow

Is the big day! I went for pre-op yesterday and had the other MRI. If anything is worse or changed, he will call today and discuss it...otherwise I will see him tomorrow at 11. I am nervous, but I have faith that this surgery will make all the difference.



Twice we have found a car that we wanted but had to talk about it and went back the next morning and it is gone! SOO frustrating. So we are still down a car and Scott will have to go on his own after my surgery to look. He found the VW on his own, so I am sure he can do this too.



I went to church with mom and dad on Sunday, Tommy and Little John and Korey were there too. I took a song to sing just in case, and they asked me to sing. I walk up to the front, and being as I can't feel anything in my right foot I didn't realize I hadn't cleared the alter and tripped...yep my greatest fear happened. I hope my skirt stayed down *UGH*. I scraped and bruised my leg, but I did sing. I probably sounded horrible, it hurt soooo bad. I sang I bowed on my knees and cried Holy. Mom loves that song and it was one I felt led to sing.



I have been battling the devil lately, he has made me feel overwhelmed, made me feel like God is putting more on me than I can handle. God is going to get me through this surgery and take away my pain, God will deliver us from this accident and make everything ok, He will make a way for children, He will direct us to a church, He is FAITHFUL!!



I withdrew from a lot of things, the devil got me to think I needed to handle things on my own. He does that! He really made me think that things would be easier if I just drew from my own strength not involve friends and family or God. My strength is nothing without those three resources. My friends can sympathize and empathize, they can be impartial and caring and give the best advice. My family are my rock, Scott and the rest unconditionally love me and will be there for me if and when I need them. And God is my everything, He is THE One! I just have to remember that my strength isn't me, it is within me. My family, friends and God are IN me and I have to draw from that not from self.



I really appreciate all the emails and calls during this time, it has meant a lot to know that I am thought of :)

Ever feel...

Like you just can't take one more thing? I know that everyone has issues...but lately I swear I have more issues than Time Magazine! Infertility, family, wreck...ohh goodness I could go on and on. Sometimes I have to wonder what I have done to warrant all these things that are soooo difficult in my life. Some days I can just look up and really believe that God won't give me too much, that He knows my limits...but today, I am feeling like my cup is over flowing...and not the cup of blessings. All of these difficulties make the blessings harder and harder to recognize.

Just please say a prayer for me tonight, my heart, mind, body and spirit feels so weary. Scott thinks that this surgery will really make me feel better and if I don't have to deal with all the pain that the rest might not seem so bad. I hope he is right. I have been praying, but things seem to be spiralling and it is like He isn't hearing my prayers....I know I am being dramatic, but every day something else gets piled on.

Stressful weekend

We spent all day Saturday and Sunday looking for a car. I hated looking for our first one, but this one is even worse. First, we LOVED the car we had...so our bar is set pretty high. Second, we have a deadline really and we can't do much until Geico gets their gecko in gear and sends us the check. But, last...is pushing through the pain! Riding in a car is so painful already...but getting in and out of cars, riding for close to 14 hours straight has been excruciating. By the end of the night Saturday I was in tears, Scott was hurting so bad as well. Just to wake up groggy Sunday morning (from pain medications that were necessary to take to sleep the night before) and do it all again.

Saturday we were chased by several sales men, one in a golf cart. That really turned me off, Scott too. I mean...we were still in our car and were being chased! So, we thought if we go out on a Sunday afternoon no one will be open and we can 'look'. Plus it was pouring the rain, lots of lightening so we thought we were safe. Umm, NOPE! We pull into this dealership and as we pull in we see a guy jet out in his yellow golf shirt, we thought maybe he was just running to his car. Surely they wouldn't be open on a Sunday and even more...surely he wouldn't be running out in the rain. Running, YES running...he was as big as Scott and we got tickled...every time Scott would slow down he would run harder like he was catching up. We drove maybe the length of a football field and turned the corner to go down an aisle and there he was, red faced, dripping of rain waving at us. Then we thought maybe something was wrong, so Scott rolled the window down and he started his spiel. Scott rolled the window back up mid pitch and we drove away.

We think we found a couple to chose from, waiting now for the check to come. SIGH.

I honestly don't know how much longer I can handle this pain, I thought I could just deal until the surgery but after the weekend...hurting soo much, my days are consisting of waking up in pain, dreading that first step on the floor, walking around my house in pain pain pain, then taking a pain pill to go to bed. I don't want to see people, talk to anyone...just want to get to the 25th and get it over, that surgery has to work...I have to feel better. I can't live like this. UGH

July 25th

That is the date of my surgery. I have to go on the 23rd for pre op. I am nervous, but hopeful that this will be my cure all. I have faith in my doctor, he has such a great personality and seems very smart. He seems very concerned and feels he can really help me. I hope so, I pray so.

There has been so much going on lately, my life has been crazy. I think about why these things have happened. I wonder if God is testing us, if me starting to sing has ticked the devil right off and he is making things around me hectic. I have no clue about the why's. But...I do know God will take care of me...of us. He has a reason for everything and I have to cling to that.

I do know all my prayers about my family are being heard. I can feel my relationship with some family getting back to normal. Maybe better than normal...smiles.

Funny how I can accept things...to most would seem worse than infertility, but that is the one thing that until I am face to face with my God...I probably won't understand.

Dear Precious Lord, please forgive me for any shadows of doubt that has entered my mind and heart, forgive me for anything that might hinder my prayers. You are faithful to take care of me. Please be with my family as this turmoil continues, grant peace to each of them and let them see Your power to make things right. Jesus, be with Ellen as she works hard to take care of her bills, please give her a job close to her family so we can share our lives. If it be Your will dear Lord, please let a good Christian man come into her life and be the one she will share it with until You come to take us all home. Precious Saviour please touch Scott's back, let it be something they can fix with medications or therapy. Help us find the right car for us, help the insurance adjusters expedite all the paperwork so this ordeal is put behind us. Be with the doctors as they decide how best to take care of my back and other health issues. Ohhh sweet Jesus, please be with Leslie as she begins this new pregnancy, let it be a girl...she needs a girl Lord. Ease her morning sickness and give her that peace that everything will be fine. Make a way for us to get together soon, I need her...You gave her to me as a forever friend, one I can be myself with fully. Take care of Burt and Colin as well. Be with all my friends on FC, Clark has been sick Lord, touch his sweet ears. Robyn has been in the throws of buying a house, and also preparing for another IVF. Michelle, her and Jared are expecting really soon, You blessed them with this baby, make the delivery easy and the baby healthy. Shannon has been dealing with a lot lately, please let things settle down for her. Be with all the girls there, they deserve Your blessings Lord. Let them all know they can lean on You, let them see You through me Jesus. Grant Kari's desire to become a mother again, she is so faithful Lord, she loves You with all her heart and knows it is Your will that has to be done and in Your time. Be with Lily as she teethes again, give Misti and Brady all they need to comfort her and ease her pain. Lastly Lord, keep touching my sweet Mom, touch her lungs and let her get off the oxygen. Take care of Dad too, he is worried so much about mom. Dear Lord, I know I have asked for so much here tonight, but I know You can do it all and more. Thank You for all the blessings you have given to me, be with us dear Lord, strengthen us so we can better serve You. I ask all of this in Your precious Name....Amen

Ello...Mam, your car is totaled.. :(

Well, finally we have gotten some news about our car...and as the title of this post explains...it is totaled. SIGH. I hoped it would be really, I didn't want a nearly totaled car fixed up. But, it still is sad...we loved that car! Here are some pics:

My car...so pretty, before the wreckage...ugh, I loved my car!!!

So the adjuster called and told us it was totalled. It was in pristine shape before the wreck, and had a lot of options, so we have equity in it THANK YOU LORD! Means we have money for a down payment at least. We basically are breaking even. We are getting enough to pay off the loan and basically make the same down payment we made to begin with.

Still waiting to find out when my surgery is. I have called to tell them that I haven't heard anything...grr.

Back Surgery...approaches!

Yesterday I went to see Dr. Maxi, he was very nice and very concerned. He looked at the MRI and he showed me what is causing my pain and numbness and pins and needles. He tested my leg strength, was concerned with how weak my toes and foot and leg is. He suggested SURGERY EEEEK. But, I sorta expected it...my other back doctor wanted to do it but I put it off.

So here I am, waiting for the girl to call me back with some info. It will either be next Friday or the following Monday. He put ASAP on the order, so I knew it would be within the next 2 weeks. She called and asked me my preference and said she would call me back after lunch with the details.

I am nervous, but more anxious to get this pain gone. He said that 90ish % of patients pain will be gone, he is worried about how long I have let this go. That the nerve damage may be permanent. That scares me, I can't deal with this for the rest of my life...ugh.

Family...cure for what ails you!

It is so true, life has been crazy lately...I don't wanna make a list...but here goes: Mom's surgery, family feud, my back, wreck...ok I will stop, that list could go on and on :).

But, I walk into the place where the family get together is being held and within minutes...all that went away, all that I could think of was...wow, this is my family! I am so blessed! Let me list who all was there :)

Mom, Dad, Tommy, Johnny, Todd, Lisa, Cara, Randall, Illan, Scott, Me.
Louise, Elmer, Lori, Mike, Tiffany, Courtney, Anthony, Roy, Anissa, Charlie, Tabitha, Matthew, Holly, their son.
Ed, Gladys, Timmy, Tamara, Jessica and Ryan.
Ray, Nancy, Little Ray, Julie, Eli and Samuel.
Steve Erb and his dad.

There was also Tiffany's boyfriend, Lori's friend Lee, another friend (choir director at their church) his wife and son, Jessica's boyfriend, Gary, Philyaw (stand up base player), friend of Todd's playing the guitar, his wife and mother, Leon Milligan, some dude playing the mandolin.

Ohhh wow, there were 52 people there!!! And there were about 11 I can think of that didn't come that would have made 63!!! It was so funny, my uncle Ed...he is shy and doesn't go many places and he was looking like he was leaving so my cousin Lori asked him if he was, and he said "Biggest crowd I have ever been in...and my belt breaks!" HAHA It could have only been funnier if he had said it while his pants were around his knees!

It was so much fun, all these kids running around learning who there cousins are - big and small. Ray's boys took up with me right off...sitting on my lap and listening to the music. I even got hugs when they left. It was so sweet.

Tamara...she is precious. She is Timmy's daughter. I gave her my spare camera and she took some great pictures. She is about 9 or so I think. I am going to go pick her up and keep her one night soon.

It was awesome, when people walked in....hugs everywhere. It was just what the soul needed, the light in my mom and uncles eyes was shining so bright, you could tell they were so proud of their children, so happy to see all their family - almost all - having fun, laughing, singing and just spending time together. It was good to see Roy and Timmy laughing, knowing they hadn't seen each other in years...same thing with a lot of the family. Everyone came up to me, so thankful that Lori and I got all of this together. Also, they said they will be at the next one...YAY. I am going to call Jackie and see how the plans for the Clark reunion are going, if nothing much I am gonna offer to help so the ball doesn't get dropped. I think it really was a success. I have memories that I will cherish forever, memories of this day...Mike getting hit with a water balloon, Matthew's little boy dancing to the music and eating watermelon. Memories like Mom, Nancy and Gladys all up singing What a Friend We Have in Jesus, or Anthony playing guitar with Todd, Timmy riding off on his Harley, me getting scolded for taking Louise's and Gladys' pictures. Sooo many more...I hate some of the family missed those memories...I hope they made their own today.

We are trying to plan the Christmas get together...probably will be at moms...winter time has to keep people in the house and no one has a house big enough to fit everyone. Or, we might have it at the same place....was super nice, had a big couch and lots of room for everyone. We are going to talk about it some more. I am sure we could decorate it pretty for Christmas...hmmm I think that will be perfect!

Even though Scott and I both were hurting so much...it was so worth it. I sang too...Child of God of course....for Lori and Todd and I sang How Great Thou Art. Todd really out did himself tonight as well, everyone enjoyed his singing and he had some great musicians with him. A stand up base guy, banjo guy, guitar guy and mandolin guy....they really have such a great sound and have fun doing it too. They had a booking up the road so after they ate and played a bit they had to leave. This is one of the best groups Todd has had.

Ok, am so sleepy...thank God for spell check...just sent an embarrassing email to Ellen...sure it was chock full of typos...forgot to proof it before I sent it *sigh*.

Will post pic tonight or tomorrow.

YAWN...

Hope

P.S. Just did the spell check....none! woo hoo...I can sleep type!

Family get together...ahhh

I loveeeeee getting together with family, and today is going to be such a great time. I know some can't come but they will be missed sooooo much, hopefully next time.

Pig Picken'...lol, sounds kinda gross if you think about it, but it will be delish. Lori and I spoke a couple times this week and she said she had bought 7 (I think) Boston Butts (HAHA JAMI!) and that a friend who owns a BBQ restaurant there in Marion will be coming to prepare them...yummy! I know mom made her famous slaw, mac and cheese (homemade kind), corn on the cob and baked beans. Lisa is making her famous potato salad, brownies and some kinda of cake. I am making a chocolate eclair (ok, Scott makes it :) ), green bean casserole, tomato-yellow pepper-onion-cucumber mix in an olive oil vinagrette, anddddddddd Lemonade with cherries! And I know Louise is making stuff, Gladys, Nancy, Julie...who knows what all will be there...and I will be sick tonight I bet! Worth it, so worth it.

I promise to take lots of pictures, I just think pictures are so important!

Eddie, Ellen...you both are going to be missed so much, I love you!

On a side note....finally got the rental car, which is a blessing. We had a little get together last night mainly for Parker D, but was good to see familiar faces show up. Chris came and brought his x-box 360 and Jonathon came, their cousin. He was the one that introduced Scott to Grandmaw...and then she introduced him to me :). Jonathon was also married to my niece for a while and they have two children together. Little John, Korey and Parker D came...we ordered pizza and I fixed some things, and the 'big boys' as Korey called them played in the living room and him and I went into the bedroom and played football and racing. Chris fixed milk shakes for everyone and then we all called it a night. Korey came and gave me the best hug and lovin'. I usually have to beg or even steal a hug from him, not this time...was so sweeeeeet.

Lastly, God is so good, I was reminded this morning in an email that He never fails us and even in our darkest times...He is the light that guides us out of the valleys. I was at mom's yesterday and I always seem to let it all out with her, and was telling her how it seems like it is one thing after another and I didn't understand it. She encouraged me of course, and I always leave her feeling better...but reading Ellen's email this morning was manna for my heart and soul. I can't wait for her to move closer...just something about her that makes me want to spend time with her and get to know her better. Maybe it is because she has had so many things going on in her own life, yet she finds time to encourage others, maybe it is because she loves our Lord, maybe it is because I can see family in her eyes, maybe it is because we share a name, maybe it is because she is just comfortable?? Maybe all those things and more!!

Oooops, really this is the last thing :) Burt and Leslie and Colin came home safely from St. Barthes! But, they didn't come home alone! Let me set the story up haha. She leaves for St. Barthes...taking her tampons with her, expecting her period anytime. One day passes...no aunt flow, two days passes...nope. She goes to buy a home pregnancy test, all written in french no less...takes it, and though she can't read the instructions....there are two lines, and she is pregnant! Ohh goodness I am so happy for them, they are such wonderful parents to Colin, and I love them all so much. I so hope this is a girl, but Colin is so precious...another one kinda like him would be just as great. They are gonna kill me again and NOT find out the sex....AUGH! But, honestly I have been thinking if I ever get pregnant....I think I will let it be a surprise as well. Kinda fun, and I already know if we do....I would be a stinking boy..*smiles*

OK, have to get off here and get stuff ready! WILL MISS ALL THAT CAN'T COME!

Love,

Hope

It is official...

They had no insurance. It infuriates me to think that she is driving that car...or he is with no insurance still! How irresponsible of the officer to let her leave. So now our uninsured motorist policy has to kick in. It is people like them that cause insurance premiums to be so high. UGH

Am so ill can you tell????

Happy 4th of July! and update on our wreck adventure!

I hope everyone in my life has a great day. We pretty much have stayed in bed all morning, still aching from the wreck. We are going to Scott's parents to grill out. Johnny called and invited me and Scott to the Valdese get together, so we will stop by there on the way home I think...according to how we feel. Scott's back is really bothering him.

We are both kind of still in shock of it all. We have never been in a wreck, so we really had no clue how things would go. But, we did assume since it wasn't our fault...it would go a little easier than it has. We had a bad feeling that the other driver didn't have insurance. The information given to the police has ended up being false. First, the insurance is non existent. I don't understand how she could give that information and then drive the car off. I thought if you didn't have insurance, you couldn't drive the car. You can't even get a tag without car insurance. So how was the tag legal? Besides the fact that the owner of the car has two outstanding warrants out for his arrest...and they knew it was his car...why did they not impound the car?? The officer put the wrong address in the computer, she put circle instead of Ave. and that made a big difference. The circle was near my parents and the Ave. was near town. When Scott went to get them to fix a few things on the police report, they told him about the arrest warrants. SIGH

We had been trying to call the girls number, they guy and her live together. Her number keeps saying The Verizon Wireless number you have reached is not accepting incoming calls...BLAH BLAH BLAH, probably changed the number or disconnected it. We did call the work number and she does work there, but she hasn't been at work. I was hoping she just gave the wrong information, and really just wanted the insurance information we need. Integon Insurance, their supposed insurance company called yesterday and said there was a policy in 2005 but it has lapsed. He is going to go through the DMV tomorrow to see if there is any other insurance on that car. So tomorrow we will know all the information and will know if our insurance will have to pay. Also, the adjuster is going to look at the car to determine if the car is totalled or if it can be fixed reasonably. We were told that it was totalled, the air bags alone are close to 4 grand to replace. The amount to fix the car has to be 75% or less of the value of the car or it will be considered totalled. It has taken a toll on us both. I hate the thought of losing our car, but I don't want a car that is compromised, so it scares me that the car may be repaired.

Yesterday, Scott was hurting very bad...he took his meds the doctor gave him. As soon as he got back from the doctor his work started calling. As much as Scott just wanted to rest, he got on his computer and started working. They called at least a half of a dozen times. I felt so bad for him. The insurance people were calling just as much, the adjuster, car rental place. It overwhelmed him and he looked up at me and said he can't handle all of this. He teared up even, we are both so overwhelmed. It should be simple, we were the ones that were hurt, we didn't cause this but we are suffering in more ways than one. We pay premiums for our insurance and think when we need it...it will be there for us. Well, that little lizard that is so cute on TV...just wanna hug him...I would like to strangle him about right now. We have Geico by the way.

We had planned to go to a cook out at his moms then go up on the mountain and watch fireworks from there...but we have no car, we feel like we have been ran over by a semi and after paying to see the docs, paying for medications and anticipating paying for a rental car...we are just going to eat at his moms and come back to Valdese and if we are up to it...watch their fireworks. This holiday sucks in a way, but I can't let it! I am blessed to have my family, to have Scott...we weren't seriously injured in this wreck and hopefully our insurance will finally get on the ball and get things taken care of.