Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Back update SIGH

I am reading a book by Charles Swindoll about Esther.

In the book Esther in the Bible - God, prayer, praise, heaven - NOTHING God related was mentioned at all in this book. But, even though His name wasn't mentioned He is alllll over this book of the Bible.

I went to the doctor yesterday...was blah. The back doctor by the way.

He walks in, shakes my hand and here is how it goes...
"Hey Hope, how are you doing?"
"About the same I guess - no wait better because the infection is gone!"
"How is your pain?"
"Same as last month, though I have fallen a few times and have bruises up and down my legs - wanna see??"

He looks at my legs and takes notes - I hate when they take notes, I wonder if he wrote "She actually shaved her legs today!"

"So what is the plan doc? I want my life back, I want to work, I want to be able to pick up more than a gallon of milk without wincing."

"Looking at your last scan and since your symptoms have not improved and maybe a little worse - I hate to tell you but the nerve damage may be permanent"

I am a big crier - so my eyes fill with tears, he hands me a kleenex and proceeds to tell me that pain management is my course for a while. I am still stuck on permanent damage and barely hear what words comes from his mouth.

"What about physical therapy? Can I do that and maybe get some strength back and some stability back?"
"Well, I don't recommend it - I am afraid at this point that you may push it to far and hurt yourself further"
"But, I can't sit here and do NOTHING...please let me do PT!"
"I will write an order for 4 weeks and it isn't going to be running on a treadmill or biking - just heat/cold/US therapy and some minimal stretches and exercises."
"I will take anything that might veer us off the single avenue of pain management"

Soo...that is where I am. I got home, and was quite upset but tried to not let Scott know. I just don't know how I can deal with this all my life. How can I even have a child if I can't pick them up or heck...carry one in my belly??? Just a little heart broken about the pain and about the baby thing. I am still keeping my appointment next month with the gyno/RE but I am sure they are going to be really reluctant to help me at this point...and well, I will be 39 in a few short days and that makes me a year from old. Sorry if anyone that reads this is 40 but I am being dramatic..I know 40 isn't old but in the ttc world it sure seems like it is!

I got a great email from my nephew and nieces mother....God knew what I needed to hear and He gave her the words. It really made me feel so much better to read...will post part of it here

I know it is hard to see past what our flesh wants allot of the time, but remember that Gods gifts are sometimes spiritual and not physical. I may wind up just being a great SINGLE mother who trust in God, and counsels others...or maybe I will be a great singer and my testimony will touch somebody that way. I don't really know. All I can do is trust that whatever he has in store for me, will be the greatest thing I could ever have. I understand that great things don't always come easy. Some of the greatest things in life, requires great sacrifice. I'm learning to be self-LESS and to embrace others happiness. Even if it mean I have to sacrifice my own for a while.

This is from a new Christian...she is going through so much but I really believe she has something great in store.

I have had some great comments lately that have made me smile inside and out.

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