Thursday, January 10, 2008

*WARNING - Pity Party going on...BYOB*

Desires of my heart...

My mother called me after watching a sermon on TV and the verses escape me but she said I should write the things down that I want the Lord to bless me with and pray over them daily. The list is long, the years praying for them have been long.

I got news today from Brad and my mother that Cara is having a little girl. As of right now, she plans on naming her Ida Hope. Ida was my great grandmother...and it starts with an I...just like Illan. Hope...I guess that is obvious. I am touched needless to say, how special is it to have new life named after me! She will be the second actually, the first was a girl that I had never met before...she came into the lab and we had a connection and though I only met her once, it was intense and we prayed together and cried together...she later called me and told me that if her child was a girl...she was naming her after me. She had a girl and named her Ashton Hope.

It is raining is raining inside it feels. Truly detest days like these. Pity parties SUCK! I could write a million times God give me a baby and I have probably prayed it that many times...and He never answers, He never even says no...or am I clinging to the prayer, to that hope of a child so tightly that I can't hear Him say NO!?!

Go figure as soon as my cycles get normal I decide to temp and chart...and the very month that i decide to do that my cycles go bye bye again! I seriously thought God was letting my cycles be normal as a sign that I should start trying again. 18 days, I will be 39. I guess menopause is around the least then I will know the answer is NO ... not just NO but smack me in the face no baby in your belly ever NO!

That would almost be better than that ounce of hope that drives me insane...I am so insane.

My body sucks it has failed me in so many ways...ugh have I mentioned I hate days like this???

I have a great husband, wonderful friends, great family, I have a house and food and water...blessings are abundant. I guess I am greedy to ask for more.

*My hearts desire list...
A child
The house we want
My back to be healed
Scott to find a better job close to home

just a few

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