Last year ended with a bang, the whole year really has been filled with disappointments, pain and just a lot of no's for answers, a lot of distance between me and those I love for various reasons...just one of the most sad years of mine and Scott's lives. Something we wanted badly...there has been a lot of things we want badly, but this one felt pretty sure it was going to happen and quick as a flash it was out of our reach within a flash.
It just makes me wonder why, ask God WHY? It makes me want to just give up, give in and not pray for anything I desire, not even ask. If I don't pray for it...ask for it, when it doesn't happen then maybe the let down won't be so dramatic...ya think?
So today we talked about how angry I am about last year, all the disappointments and how the disappointments are bad enough, but being a Christian...trusting in Him to answer my prayers...I am disappointed in Him as well....yuck, feels even worse to write it than it did when I said it earlier.
I caught myself several times today to start to pray and then stopped. I reminded myself I was ticked off at God and to get back at him I am gonna not pray today...yeah gonna teach God to say no to my prayers. How stupid do I sound????? DON"T ANSWER! But, as much as that is embarrassing to say...it is how I was from last night until about 2 hours ago. I got it all out at about 3ish today. Scott had to carry the bulk of it...well, maybe not. I yelled at God, I told Him that I just don't' get why everything I ask for...everything I pray for He says NO or doesn't seem to answer at all. I felt a little better getting it off my chest.
Then I saw Kari post that tomorrow she is going for her 2nd IUI...I didn't know that until then, and immediately my eyes welled up and I closed them and started to pray...halfway into that prayer I stopped abruptly and said...ohh no YOU don't...am not praying for something when all I get is a big ole no! I wasn't gonna be the reason Kari didn't get her BFP! I sucked up my tears and posted to her that I hoped that she would have a good day, that she would be in my thoughts. Didn't say I would pray for her....oooo I am horrible! I can't believe that I am putting this out here.
Well, the strangest thing happened. Kari got on Yahoo and we chatted a few minutes and then I sent her a link for this blog that has a gazillion links to other IF blogs - of allll types. I sent her that link and then I went there to see what was new and clicked on a blog link...one of a gazillion I tell you!
I start reading, start crying, start feeling that Holy Spirit tap me on the shoulder and tell me He was here, God was here and He never left me and even when I was being a brat....He knew my heart...and it was my mind and anger talking - YELLING at Him. So I read on, feeling every word this blogger had typed, conviction over things I had felt...but was so overwhelmed by the peace she found in someone else. I get almost to the end of a paragraph and Kari sends me a message on Yahoo...
kari: we had the most heartfelt three hour lunch i think i've ever had.the four of us...perfect strangers...reaching out to each other in an effort to help.she had undergone an IUI the very day before on Saturday, yet, she ended up ministering to me in ways she'll probably never understand. i was so amped on talking her through the ropes...giving her advice...pumping her up with stats...high-fiving her on giving herself shots...telling her all the ways she could better evaluate her physical condition...
....and it became painfully evident to me -- she simply didnt need it........her heart was as still, and crystal-clear as a placid lake at sunrise. she had it.she not only had it....she owned it. His peace.she had allowed herself to be captured by His everlasting peace...
kari: ...and i was captivated by her...or God in her...this freak thing that was going on with her...she was a boisterous, energetic, fun, outgoing, adorable 29-year old girl....yet in the weirdest way i've ever seen...perfectly quiet at the same time. her brain....was quiet. her heart....was still. her soul....was...at....rest....
...and my heart ached instantly for all of it...
OH MY GOODNESS...out of all the blogs listed on that page, she was reading the same one I was...and feeling the same things I was...chills not only from the bloggers talented heart wrenching post, but that God put us there at the same time...do do do do....
I will post our convo about that blog on another post, but during all of my reading then Kari posting to me...whatever I lost today, last night...whatever skewed outlook I made my own the past 24 hours...dissipated and my face hit the pillow with tears flowing and prayers begging for forgiveness, apologizing and feeling the heaviness I had carried just go away. God is good even when I am a bitter evil brat! Needless to say...Kari was the next prayer prayed.
I started this post way before I read this blog, just in case you wonder why the top part and the bottom part seems to be from two different people. I guess it sort of was...the bitter brat is taking a nap!
I have a lot of expectations of this year, I am claiming it as Scott and my year for good things. Just because we get a no, it doesn't mean that there isn't something else God has in store for us. I read somewhere that sometimes God lets us hurt before he heals. I am ready for the healing to begin! AMEN!
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