Thursday, January 03, 2008

Left or Right God? shock.

I bought the tests last night before eating Chinese. SAD - I used one test in the restaurant. BFN...and still I said to myself all night...ohh it wasn't FMU, it still could be wrong. I can make myself cling to nothing - actually something I KNOW is not happening and let my heart break a little more. Sucks Sucks Sucks!

So yeah, I wake up around 5 this morning my temp took a leap and my heart pounded...I peed on that stick and sat there with my blurry eyes, trying to will a line to show up. None did...well, except for the control lines of course. It wasn't that I really expected a BFP, but so many negative things have happened lately that I though, I hoped that this would be that one thing that trumped every bad thing that has happened. Wrong.

Then I did my devotion this morning..crossroads. My friend has accepted her crossroad and that the straight lane has ended, in 2 weeks she will turn left or right. I want that definitive decision. I want God to tell me that He wants me to get off this road I have been on for 15+ years and just accept that I need to turn right or left! I am not one of those Christian women who are tuned in or can read the signs easily...I need a big ole Neon sign saying HELLO HOPE...YA NEED TO TURN AROUND, TURN RIGHT, TURN LEFT...something. I guess I am slow.

So all day, I walk into the bathroom - and you know you do it too if you have ever taken a pregnancy test - and picked the test up from the trash and turn it 10 ways to Sunday and nothing. All day, I walk back into my bedroom and fall on my knees praying for some answer...left or right God...left or right??? Left...give up completely, Right...adoption or foster care. Come on God...You know I have to hear it, see it plain as day. Do I stay on the road before I do it for one more year like we planned? I am tired, I am so weary. Every bfn chips away at my soul and as much as I hate to admit faith, my core belief that my God is good. Does that make me horrible to say that? Makes me feel horrible I can tell you that.

I heard this song today and it makes me feel renewed to think like this...

The wind blows
The child wakes
The years go
The heart breaks
The rains come,
the castle falls
You lose hope
The soul cries
The fears grow
The time flies
Life goes on,
but through it all

Be strong, don't be afraid You're not alone in this world
Be strong, take courage and fly'Cause now's the time to stand
Walk in the promised land of life
Be strong

A road ends
A dream dies
You breathe deep
And realize
To press on,
you must believe
The Lord knows
The tears dry
You find hope
You live life
You look back,
and finally see peace

Feel the wind blow on your face
Taste the victory of grace
Touch the joy of freedom Knowing you have overcome...

1 comment:

  1. Hope~It will happen for you and Scott whether it is biological or not. God is just waiting for the right child that needs you. Just think, one day you will look into the eyes of a child and it will call you mom and you will think back of all the times that you got the BFNs and you prayed and prayed. Your dream will come true!

    Love you!