Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Happy Birthday to ummm .... me

39 - just wanted to get that out there right off the bat. It was actually yesterday but I just couldn't post...was an up and down day for me.

39...ugh. I was asked how old I will be next year and before I could really think about it...I said 40...40!!! 10 more years and I will be *gulp* 50! Where did it go? Time??

You know that hill people say you are over sometimes...I swear I just felt me crest it!

I have a book that I filled out when I was in high school about to graduate. Where did I see me at 40?
Married - check!
Great car - ummm thanks to an uninsured motorist that destroyed my car - NO...we bought an Explorer (hate it).
Big house - ummmm no...small 2 bedroom 1 bath house that is desperate need of updating.
Teaching music in the school system - umm nope. I met Scott fell in love, got married and got a job full time - school part time and not in teaching :(.
Travelled to Italy and Hawaii - LAUGHING HARD...barely been out of NC/SC...I am so boring!

wait for it....

wait....



wait...


3 children. ummm *tears* didn't happen. Biggest regret is not going ahead with more intense treatments when we found out making love didn't make babies for us. Though it took 10 years and a different doctor to tell me about PCOS and that is why I have no baby. Still angry at my regular OBGYN who refused to test me even though I asked. I trusted him.

If I had these 10 years to do over - I would beg, steal ... ok not steal but borrow every dime I could to make it happen and not think ok....we got tons of time, we will take the less aggressive route and see what happens. NADA happened.

If I had these 10 years to do over - I would hold people closer, hold my tongue a little tighter and forgive without hesitation.

If I had these 10 years to do over - I wouldn't take for granted my ability to walk and bend and sit...I would take better care of my body and my health.

If I had these 10 years to do over - I would sing every chance I had to praise my Savior instead of letting fear of failure and feeling like I was standing in the shadow of others in my family keep me from it. He is worthy of my praise, He gave me a talent that I have not used until recently.

If I had these 10 years to do over - my brother would have never spent one day without knowing his sister loved him before he died. I would have pictures of him and I laughing and just being together.

I don't have those 10 years to do over. In those 10 years though, I have discovered a love that every day I thought it couldn't get better but it does, he is my best friend, my heart. I rebuilt my relationship with God...how did I ever make it to 30 without having this relationship???? I found a best friend who makes me smile and when I am with her I just feel invincible! Why did I ever move away from her???? ugh. I found best friends online as well, of all places huh? A group of women who have wore or are wearing my shoes and walking that road of infertility. They amaze me every day.

In those 10 years, I have laughed, cried, felt love that is amazing, made friends, new family, held babies (that was something I hadn't done since Parker was born). I went to Chicago, Washington and other local places. I have seen several new babies born into our families. I learned to knit and love it, I picked back up crocheting and love it. I learned to scrapbook and to be creative.

Life ain't so bad. My best friend Jodi that died at such a young age - 35 - from a terrible, painful disease would talk to me every day and tell me not to worry so much about her....it could be worse. What an outlook - it could be worse. When I look at my life that way ohh goodness - YES it could be worse, my life is wonderful compared to what I consider worse. THANK YOU JESUS!

You know....I could get pregnant early this year and have triplets and then I could check off the last one .... I just heard Scott's heart stop!

2 comments:

  1. Happy birthday Hope. Thanks for dropping by my site. Your post made me weepy. Nothing like the years rolling by to reiterate to us the things that really matter

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