Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Happy Birthday to ummm .... me

39 - just wanted to get that out there right off the bat. It was actually yesterday but I just couldn't post...was an up and down day for me.

39...ugh. I was asked how old I will be next year and before I could really think about it...I said 40...40!!! 10 more years and I will be *gulp* 50! Where did it go? Time??

You know that hill people say you are over sometimes...I swear I just felt me crest it!

I have a book that I filled out when I was in high school about to graduate. Where did I see me at 40?
Married - check!
Great car - ummm thanks to an uninsured motorist that destroyed my car - NO...we bought an Explorer (hate it).
Big house - ummmm no...small 2 bedroom 1 bath house that is desperate need of updating.
Teaching music in the school system - umm nope. I met Scott fell in love, got married and got a job full time - school part time and not in teaching :(.
Travelled to Italy and Hawaii - LAUGHING HARD...barely been out of NC/SC...I am so boring!

wait for it....



3 children. ummm *tears* didn't happen. Biggest regret is not going ahead with more intense treatments when we found out making love didn't make babies for us. Though it took 10 years and a different doctor to tell me about PCOS and that is why I have no baby. Still angry at my regular OBGYN who refused to test me even though I asked. I trusted him.

If I had these 10 years to do over - I would beg, steal ... ok not steal but borrow every dime I could to make it happen and not think ok....we got tons of time, we will take the less aggressive route and see what happens. NADA happened.

If I had these 10 years to do over - I would hold people closer, hold my tongue a little tighter and forgive without hesitation.

If I had these 10 years to do over - I wouldn't take for granted my ability to walk and bend and sit...I would take better care of my body and my health.

If I had these 10 years to do over - I would sing every chance I had to praise my Savior instead of letting fear of failure and feeling like I was standing in the shadow of others in my family keep me from it. He is worthy of my praise, He gave me a talent that I have not used until recently.

If I had these 10 years to do over - my brother would have never spent one day without knowing his sister loved him before he died. I would have pictures of him and I laughing and just being together.

I don't have those 10 years to do over. In those 10 years though, I have discovered a love that every day I thought it couldn't get better but it does, he is my best friend, my heart. I rebuilt my relationship with God...how did I ever make it to 30 without having this relationship???? I found a best friend who makes me smile and when I am with her I just feel invincible! Why did I ever move away from her???? ugh. I found best friends online as well, of all places huh? A group of women who have wore or are wearing my shoes and walking that road of infertility. They amaze me every day.

In those 10 years, I have laughed, cried, felt love that is amazing, made friends, new family, held babies (that was something I hadn't done since Parker was born). I went to Chicago, Washington and other local places. I have seen several new babies born into our families. I learned to knit and love it, I picked back up crocheting and love it. I learned to scrapbook and to be creative.

Life ain't so bad. My best friend Jodi that died at such a young age - 35 - from a terrible, painful disease would talk to me every day and tell me not to worry so much about her....it could be worse. What an outlook - it could be worse. When I look at my life that way ohh goodness - YES it could be worse, my life is wonderful compared to what I consider worse. THANK YOU JESUS!

You know....I could get pregnant early this year and have triplets and then I could check off the last one .... I just heard Scott's heart stop!


  1. Happy birthday Hope. Thanks for dropping by my site. Your post made me weepy. Nothing like the years rolling by to reiterate to us the things that really matter