Her and I were chatting on Yahoo and I sent her a link to this blog that has links to hundreds of other blogs and out of those hundreds....God sent us to the same one!
KARI: we had the most heartfelt three hour lunch i think i've ever had.
the four of us...perfect strangers...reaching out to each other in an effort to help.
she had undergone an IUI the very day before on Saturday, yet, she ended up ministering to me in ways she'll probably never understand. i was so amped on talking her through the ropes...giving her advice...pumping her up with stats...high-fiving her on giving herself shots...telling her all the ways she could better evaluate her physical condition...
....and it became painfully evident to me -- she simply didnt need it....
....her heart was as still, and crystal-clear as a placid lake at sunrise.
she had it.
she not only had it....she owned it.
she had allowed herself to be captured by His everlasting peace...
KARI: ...and i was captivated by her...or God in her...this freak thing that was going on with her...
she was a boisterous, energetic, fun, outgoing, adorable 29-year old girl....yet in the weirdest way i've ever seen...perfectly quiet at the same time. her brain....was quiet. her heart....was still. her soul....was...at....rest....
...and my heart ached instantly for all of it...
HOPE: oh my gosh I am sitting here reading the same blog....bawling!
KARI: out of 200 choices for blogs how did we end up on the same one
HOPE: I can feel how her mind is going crazy and how fast she probably typed all of that...raw, it is just wow....and for us to be on the exact same one OH wow....i love you!
KARI: i want what she has
KARI: that peace
KARI: how do you find it
KARI: how do you get it
KARI: how do you receive it
KARI: i just dont understand
HOPE: I dont' even know how to ask for it...i feel so .... so much I can't give it a word
HOPE: I have to read this again and again and mabye something will click, something will give way to the peace I want, and if you find it first send me the map!
KARI: girl i have been seeking for so long
KARI: and i am no where near it
KARI: ive tried so many different approaches and at this point I am contenplating acceptance of a neverending hunger/desire just to move on
KARI: ....and i was fully dumb-founded. so deeply grateful for her witness....yet feeling so vile for the emotional freakshow i've put on over the last 9mths. my endless kicking and screaming and STRAIN and discontentment and finger-pointing at God. when i could have just as easily traded it all in....for what she has. what on earth was i thinking. it's MINE already...but i locked it out. i stiff-armed it all away. and i was left with the raging storm in my heart...and the endlessly choppy waters....and the black skies....
HOPE: I know what you mean, feel every word you just said....and sometimes I think I am on the edge of it...almost there and is it God letting me cling to hope, is it the devil saying I have to keep on trying....UGH
KARI: i "know" this is true
KARI: i "know" that peace is mine
KARI: i just can't seem to figure out how to grab hold of it
KARI: I didn't say it... it is her blog, a quote
HOPE: this girl kills me...oh wow, I am leaving her a message...I don't know how to grab it either, I think I am getting there....then SMACK...I get eggwhite CM and I think oooo a sign..*rolling my eyes*
KARI: I KNOOOOOOOWWW
KARI: i start to feel like i am gaining control, and then smack + OPK and hope of another IUI BFP
HOPE: I know, I read her blog and I feel like such a failure at faith in a way....I don't know how to really explain it.
HOPE: I had peace...I had it, I was wrapped as tight as anyone ever has been...it was about my surgeries and that things were going to be ok...but when that all hasn't happened in MY timeframe....that peace slipped away little by little until I feel like this pit is forever
KARI: it is so hard though to stay encouraged when you can't seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel
KARI: there is no "answer" in sight
KARI: it is so hard to trust
KARI: i know that is terrible and i know we both "trust"
KARI: but to let go and trust
KARI: that is so hard
KARI: at least for me it is
HOPE: That is what I told Scott today....it is hard to pray and to have faith when the answer always seems to be no, this last year everything seems to be no...it is like why keep praying and asking and then feeling let down.
HOPE: and I know we have to pray we have to be faithful but it is hard some days
KARI: i hear ya
KARI: i wonder when you give up
KARI: like you said...
KARI: so many nos, when do you just throw your hands up and admit defeat?
HOPE: the death was actually mine...a painful dying of my will...i could have learned faster...i could have cried 'uncle' sooner...but my CONTROL just wouldn't give way. so some deaths are slower than others...and sometimes we choose our torture. but under His watch -- we will all eventually die to self.
HOPE: THIS is what I have to do....give up MY control ugh....easier to copy and paste than to do it that is for sure!
KARI: "but each Christ follower (if you'd consider me that all along) has the day when they experience the depth and agony found during a crisis of faith. a crossroads. a decision.
will i hinge my devotion...on winning my way?
can i say thank you...while losing everything?
will i believe what i cannot feel?
will i surrender...
even though, only a fool would go on fighting a war
...when all of his weapons have been stripped of him"
KARI: "it took 46 months for me to realize, surrender isn't really a choice.
take away my swords and shields and strength...
...and my options are pretty limited.
i had met my match.
to say i had lost control puts it too simply. it sounds so elementary.
but control is all i've ever had.
and so my loss is infinite. bottomless. consuming.
almost as deep as my loss of fertility.
KARI: i am speachless
KARI: "my fight had become a cosmic battle of control.
the baby was secondary.
though the baby was the catalyst.
46 weeks of:
ovulation predictor kits.
....only to end up exactly...where i would be...had i never lifted a finger...."
KARI: double wow
HOPE: lol she has one post called the Grand Diva...gonna read it right quick...why haven't I seen this blog before dang it???
HOPE: ohh not a post....a blogger looks like a grandmother
KARI: chills again
KARI: "i pulled out my journal this morning and at the top, as i do every morning, wrote the date.
December 31, 2007
day #365 of 365.
praise the LORD, i exhaled.
but the devotional led me to I Peter 5:10 --
And the God of all grace,
who called you to his eternal glory in Christ,
after you have suffered a little while,
will himself restore you
and make you strong,
....though we suffer....
He is all grace.
He is all glory."
HOPE: so while i don't necessarily mourn God's plan and His perfect love for us....
i realized that i still fully mourn the loss of human hope and expectation.
HOPE: and besides writing like she does.....she is beautiful! dang it I hoped she was a hag in a way...lol jk!
KARI: r u looking at the hair cut pics?
HOPE: lol yes
HOPE: dang it quit following me
KARI: stop following me!
KARI: ewwwwwww, weird!!!
HOPE: you have to be like over my shoulder seeing what I type
KARI: too funny!!!
KARI: i think god wrote this blog just for u and i
HOPE: oh my gosh....have you started on my plug of the day yet???? I think she was in my bathroom tonight when Scott and I had this discussion
HOPE: am gonna add that sermon to my favs and listen tomorrow...sigh
KARI: well it was good having a cry with you!
KARI: Im going to go back there when im not so tired
HOPE: Kari...thank you...for being there, for always being there when I need you....I know it is God putting you there, but thank you for being there!
KARI: my pleasure, really
HOPE: have a great night...you will be in my prayers tomorrow...