Confusion

I don't understand sometimes.

I had a rough weekend. Friday I woke up...got out of bed and spied an unused pregnancy test and thought hmm why not? I am addicted right?? So I pull out a cup and diddle in it and then drop the 4 drops in the peepee well. I watch it start to saturate the test window and of course that is when the dog started going crazy to go pee herself. So I took her out, grabbed a towel and washcloth for my shower and walked back in to the bathroom. I had forgot about the test...had been no more than 10 .. MAYBE 15 minutes. There is was on the side of the tub. I nearly fell when I picked it up and saw this...

I looked at it and didn't have to turn it, hold it up to the light, NOTHING...there were 2 lines there! Then I thought...whatever - I just went through this last month but it was after I left it for 1ish hours. There was no way it was even close to an hour. So I get in the shower, crying and praying that this was the real thing. I haven't had my period, but no symptoms. I would get giddy then literally pop myself in the forehead telling myself to STOP IT!!

This was all around 11 ( I know...it was a late morning sleep in ). I sit on it, I can't go anywhere so I can't get another test...so what do I do??? And so about 5 I call Scott and tell him and ask him to pick me up REAL tests from Wal-mart....and then sent him a pic of the test and he freaked too. He was so excited, he got home and we went through all the what ifs, all the ooo this is perfect timing and how good God is and we knew He would answer our prayers...then.

Then...I worked up some pee and took the 'real' test. NEGATIVE...not even a hint of a line. HOW??? I could barely breath, much less speak or type. My heart was broken, my sweet husband was broken as well. He hurt for me more than himself I think. I felt like I had failed him one more time, and wished I hadn't told him and snuck to get my own test later.

And yes, I did use the second test to retest with FMU, but it was a waste of tests! I will NEVER buy a dollar tree test again. This is the second time..actually the third time. The first was Easter almost 2 years ago.

I was inconsolable for 2 days, I tried to just brush it off but it is hard. That is my biggest problem is letting go of that hurt. I heard a song today that The sorrow is so deep, but God can soothe it. But, if I don't let it go....how can He? But, letting go of the pain of infertility is almost impossible. Everywhere I look there are children, pregnant women, some painful reminder that none of those things are part of my personal world. Snow is coming - benign thought to some...but all I can think of is how I won't be out playing with my child in it! I pray and wish and hope that I can let it go, but I can't. I admit it. Seems there is nothing that can release it.

I try and I have moved from hurt to anger when people say that my faith isn't strong enough, or I am not trusting God enough. It is hard not to tell them how I feel, but mostly I bite my tongue. I KNOW my God knows what He is doing, I know He can do anything - I don't doubt that He loves me and wants to make me happy - I just can't see His plan as clear as He sees it and that cloudiness leaves me with hope that MY plan is HIS plan.

All of this and then a friend who just had her second IUI got her beta back today and it was negative. My heart breaks for her, I talked to her as she was going in for her blood work and the hope in her voice was intoxicating. I think I wanted it to be positive almost as badly as she did. For that time following her blood draw I prayed and cried to God begging Him for her, and then she lets me know it is negative.

I don't understand. She is so faithful, her heart is so precious and she loves Him and is such a wonderful Christian woman...I don't understand why I haven't been blessed - but why Lord has she had to suffer this pain. I guess it goes to show that faith and trusting has nothing to do with this trial. They are ready to give up, I am praying they don't. The next step is injectables and I really feel this is what it is going to take. I hope they at least try once, but that is between them and God.

I was better today until I got her news, then I went to spend time with my mom and my cousin Lori and her/our family. It was what I needed. My new baby cousin was there, and he is sooo cute. I wish I had taken my camera.

I am ok, it is those random commercials of fathers and their child, or the threat of snow, or looking through a family album that can really get to me. Scott seems to know when that is too - he hears me sniffle or he just feels that little dagger too.

I am going to see a new doctor in February. I hope that even with my back problems that the doctor will go ahead with fertility treatments. I guess we will see.