Sunday, April 27, 2008
Cute huh?
Ohh and I figured out how to add my name to the end of posts, this one was the first one I made...gonna make a better one, but was thrilled to figure it out. Am working on making my own template....fun figuring it out.
Baby Showers
Baby showers...sigh, super hard to attend one. I love my niece so much and that is the only reason I made an effort to go. Was so hard to sit there watching all the gifts being opened, all the ooooing and ahhing. Followed by the onset of every 'mother' there talking about their pregnancies, their showers....I felt so out of place. I couldn't chime in, I couldn't picture myself sitting in the center chair....I couldn't breathe at one point.
The shower happened to be held at a church, the sanctuary easily accessible. Just after the cake was cut I slipped out and made my way through the dark sanctuary to a bench to lick my wounds in private. I couldn't go back to the shower, I heard several asking where I was...I heard whispers and could feel the sympathy ooze my way. Finally almost everyone left. A well-meaning sister in law made her way to the sanctuary to 'console' me. Teresa doesn't know what I was feeling, she tried to make me feel better I guess...but those comments I had just posted about...the "God has a plan", "maybe he will do something else for you", "maybe a child will land on your doorstep". I couldn't be angry about her.
The baby is due sooner than we thought, she has a follow up US this week to firm up the date.
And if that wasn't hard enough, I am planning the shower for my other pregnant niece. I volunteered...I KNOW what was I thinking? I was thinking how much I love Brad and Kita, I was thinking how much he has done for me during this past year, I was thinking how he cried for me one day when we were talking about his baby to be...and he was crying for me, he wished I could have a baby too. He is that special! He is more than my nephew, he has always been one I could depend on for anything, he does it because he loves me as much as I love him. That is why I would do this most difficult thing...love conquers all, well at least most.
The shower happened to be held at a church, the sanctuary easily accessible. Just after the cake was cut I slipped out and made my way through the dark sanctuary to a bench to lick my wounds in private. I couldn't go back to the shower, I heard several asking where I was...I heard whispers and could feel the sympathy ooze my way. Finally almost everyone left. A well-meaning sister in law made her way to the sanctuary to 'console' me. Teresa doesn't know what I was feeling, she tried to make me feel better I guess...but those comments I had just posted about...the "God has a plan", "maybe he will do something else for you", "maybe a child will land on your doorstep". I couldn't be angry about her.
The baby is due sooner than we thought, she has a follow up US this week to firm up the date.
And if that wasn't hard enough, I am planning the shower for my other pregnant niece. I volunteered...I KNOW what was I thinking? I was thinking how much I love Brad and Kita, I was thinking how much he has done for me during this past year, I was thinking how he cried for me one day when we were talking about his baby to be...and he was crying for me, he wished I could have a baby too. He is that special! He is more than my nephew, he has always been one I could depend on for anything, he does it because he loves me as much as I love him. That is why I would do this most difficult thing...love conquers all, well at least most.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Givin' it up...to Him!
Monday...Scott comes in (after multiple calls through the day), he almost seemed to be bouncing when he walked. He says that he has never felt like he is right now, and couldn't imagine working anywhere else. We talked about some of the other jobs that he didn't get and how they would not have been anything like he has now. We talked about how sad and angry we were when a door was closed. We thanked God that He gave Scott the job that would be the best all the way around. He knew that this job was coming, we would have settled for anything to get him closer to home. But, HE knew....He knew what we needed - and he gave it to us on his time, not ours.
Tuesday...We both are lighter, we both are talking and laughing and he said something to me that was so true. He said he forgot 'this us'. He forgot that we are corny and giggled at the silliest things. He forgot that we hugged just to hug and copped a feel sometimes. He forgot that we joked and laughed. We had been in such a place that we hugged just to console each other, we talked about what was wrong - not what was right. Few things made us laugh and giggle, our nightly chats that use to end in a great snuggle and laughs...for a long time I was asleep by the time he got in bed and there was little talk. I forgot about this us too, I like this us...love this us. Last night we fell asleep wrapped up in each other instead of only our feet touching.
Wednesday....He just called, his voice sounds so different. He is happy. He is going to his brothers to work on his computer. His family lives only a few minutes from his job. He works with 3 men and 1 woman. He says they are all super nice and the guys like to play games online and some of the ones that he plays. He has only made 'friends' at one other job and that was in Myrtle Beach. No where else has he felt like he had real friends where he could invite over or go out with. I just hope they have nice wives :).
So that is where we are with his job. We are beyond happy with all aspects of it. It is funny how just one thing...one big thing, but one thing can flip it and we went from despair and sadness and anger to happiness. It happened in one breath.
May 8th I see the neuro doc, praying he will fix me so I can get back to normal. I would love to go back to work...out of this house.
I read a blog yesterday. I respect her opinions and honestly felt some of what she was feeling during the lowest of times. She doesn't understand why God lets things happen, why He lets His children hurt. She doesn't believe in Him at all. She experienced one of the worse losses a women can experience. 36 weeks she lost her child. I can't imagine her pain, and I understand her doubt. I agree that when people hear you have went through something and say "God has a plan"...it angers her and me.
It is hard when a woman says "Maybe God doesn't want you to have children", it makes me angry! Why chose a 15 year old to have a baby, why does He chose her over me!? It confuses me when I read that If I delight in Him, He will give me my hearts desires. I don't understand.
But, I do know that He loves me and that He is on time all the time. Even when I push and shove Him away, He pulls and holds me in His arms. Once I gave Him my heart, I am His and He won't let go. Even when I don't understand His ways, I am so confused that I doubt my heart...even then He shows me love and compassion.
Others had posted to her that He is real and that He loves her. Her heart is closed to Him right now, am sure so many are praying for her. I understand how she feels, I have asked all the same questions.
His grace is sufficient. He is there always, we have the choice to take it to Him or do it ourselves. Looking back on my life my toughest time was when I thought I could do it alone.
I am giving it all to Him, and yes, I have done it many times before to only jerk it back when I think it isn't happening how I want it to.
Dear God, I am giving you my burdens. You have the power to make all my prayers come true, and also the power to give me peace if my prayers are not going to be answered how I want. God you know that my heart is consumed with having a child. A child that I would give back to You, a child that would know Your love and grace and power. Lord, You know that my back can't handle a pregnancy as it is, couldn't handle the day to day care of a baby. I am praying for healing in my back, give this new doctor the discernment to make me better and to prepare my body for a child. Fixing my back will be the one thing that will help fix the rest of my body. I will be able to exercise and lose weight and be a better representative of You. God Scott will be such a great father, he loves You so much and he will take the time to teach him or her about You. Be with my friends Lord, keep them safe and bless them with their heart's desires as well. There are few going through IUI's and at least one just went through an IVF. Dear Lord, You gave these doctors the knowledge to do these procedures and help fertility challenged women have a child. Bless them and make their efforts fruitful. Be with my family, bless them with good health and lots of happiness. Thank you Lord for all you have done in my life, lead us to the right church and let us find a great church family. Bless Leslie and Burt, Colin and Jack Henry. Leslie's grandmother is sick with cancer and the entire family needs Your touch to grant them peace and clear minds so they can agree on her treatment. I ask all of this in Your precious name, Amen.
What a friend we have in Jesus,
All our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
Everything to God in prayer!
Oh, what peace we often forfeit,
Oh, what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry
Everything to God in prayer!
Have we trials and temptations?
Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged—
Take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful,
Who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness;
Take it to the Lord in prayer.
Are we weak and heavy-laden,
Cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge—
Take it to the Lord in prayer.
Do thy friends despise, forsake thee?
Take it to the Lord in prayer!
In His arms He’ll take and shield thee,
Thou wilt find a solace there.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Steps
Week went by so fast. I made a grocery list, went to 4 different grocery stores and bought over 300 bux in groceries...never done that. I had to change a lot of things, tossed a lot. My diet has to change for my diabetes sake.
Ohh did I forget to mention...am on Insulin now. 3 huge needles a day. I am getting used to them but still, Insulin...how did I get there? How did get from taking metformin 5 or so years ago to treat my PCOS, to upping the dose because my sugars started increasing....to taking Insulin 3 times a day. How did that happen!?!
So, let's just tally this up...
PCOS (google it if you wanna know more)
hypertension...on 3 medications for that yay
hyperlipidemia...yay to Lipitor!
diabetes...nuff said
back pain...taking Lyric.a, pain medication and cele.brex
hypothyroidism...woot on Syn.throid
all that together equals....
no doctor in his right mind will ever try to get me pregnant
which equals....well, that is obvious and there is no point in stating the obvious.
I have been thinking about this all week. You know how you can close your eyes and picture what you will be doing next year for Easter. You picture your child picking up eggs or you on a vacation somewhere nice. I close my eyes and I can't see past tomorrow. I can't see past this back pain, the bottle of insulin in the frig, the next finger stick, the next hand full of pills for this or that. Sure, I have plans...such as a wedding for a friend in September. I am not focused on how much fun it will be to spend time with friends, how beautiful it will all be...I am wondering if I will be able to walk without pain, stand without leaning on someone, if Scott doesn't go who will drive me - will I be able to drive?
But, maybe that is a good thing? I should be looking at the next step instead of ten steps away...since those steps are dependant on the next step taken. (if you are confused....I am right there with ya)
I guess I am in the process of taking the next step. Fixing my sugars - via healthier eating and medications. I can't exercise which is so important in diabetes but getting rid of the pain will lower the sugars and hopefully get me to where I can exercise. Losing weight and moving will help fix all of it.
I am being more strict on my intake, I have to...my dreams hinge on it, my health...last chance, 2009 is coming like a freight train and if I don't do it now...it will be too late.
I am doing this 10 pounds at a time. Every 10 pounds is a step.
I am waiting for neurodoc appointment, to take away my pain.
On a sweet note, babies are coming....Cara is already having some contractions. A fellow blogger got her long awaited BFP....CONGRATS to her, I am happy when just any ole person gets pregnant (well, most of the time). But...when it is someone who knows the road, felt the pain...gets pregnant it gives hope to all of us that are still hoping.
I had a great dinner at my mom and dads today. It felt like home, they are back downstairs. Several from my family was there and we all ate good and I got to stretch out on moms bed and just enjoyed being home.
We left and rode down to Gilboa church, beautiful as usual. Found an odd bush and took a pic, so pretty. THEN...we get home and hear a bird...crazy loud scary bird! Finally we saw it in the tree next door and it was a peacock! I couldn't believe something so big could fly but it sure took off and took my breath with it.
All that beauty, God blessed me with all that beauty today.
Ohh did I forget to mention...am on Insulin now. 3 huge needles a day. I am getting used to them but still, Insulin...how did I get there? How did get from taking metformin 5 or so years ago to treat my PCOS, to upping the dose because my sugars started increasing....to taking Insulin 3 times a day. How did that happen!?!
So, let's just tally this up...
PCOS (google it if you wanna know more)
hypertension...on 3 medications for that yay
hyperlipidemia...yay to Lipitor!
diabetes...nuff said
back pain...taking Lyric.a, pain medication and cele.brex
hypothyroidism...woot on Syn.throid
all that together equals....
no doctor in his right mind will ever try to get me pregnant
which equals....well, that is obvious and there is no point in stating the obvious.
I have been thinking about this all week. You know how you can close your eyes and picture what you will be doing next year for Easter. You picture your child picking up eggs or you on a vacation somewhere nice. I close my eyes and I can't see past tomorrow. I can't see past this back pain, the bottle of insulin in the frig, the next finger stick, the next hand full of pills for this or that. Sure, I have plans...such as a wedding for a friend in September. I am not focused on how much fun it will be to spend time with friends, how beautiful it will all be...I am wondering if I will be able to walk without pain, stand without leaning on someone, if Scott doesn't go who will drive me - will I be able to drive?
But, maybe that is a good thing? I should be looking at the next step instead of ten steps away...since those steps are dependant on the next step taken. (if you are confused....I am right there with ya)
I guess I am in the process of taking the next step. Fixing my sugars - via healthier eating and medications. I can't exercise which is so important in diabetes but getting rid of the pain will lower the sugars and hopefully get me to where I can exercise. Losing weight and moving will help fix all of it.
I am being more strict on my intake, I have to...my dreams hinge on it, my health...last chance, 2009 is coming like a freight train and if I don't do it now...it will be too late.
I am doing this 10 pounds at a time. Every 10 pounds is a step.
I am waiting for neurodoc appointment, to take away my pain.
On a sweet note, babies are coming....Cara is already having some contractions. A fellow blogger got her long awaited BFP....CONGRATS to her, I am happy when just any ole person gets pregnant (well, most of the time). But...when it is someone who knows the road, felt the pain...gets pregnant it gives hope to all of us that are still hoping.
I had a great dinner at my mom and dads today. It felt like home, they are back downstairs. Several from my family was there and we all ate good and I got to stretch out on moms bed and just enjoyed being home.
We left and rode down to Gilboa church, beautiful as usual. Found an odd bush and took a pic, so pretty. THEN...we get home and hear a bird...crazy loud scary bird! Finally we saw it in the tree next door and it was a peacock! I couldn't believe something so big could fly but it sure took off and took my breath with it.
All that beauty, God blessed me with all that beauty today.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
A few wedding pictures
This is the lovely bride Jennifer and her son Jakey
This is Scott and Chirsten...she loves her uncle Scooter!
Finally husband and wife sealed with a kiss!
'Our' mother in law Lena and Jennifer
Me and my Chirsten...she has this way about her that melts away any sadness that might be in my day with just one hug and that toothy grin.
Caleb and John, Caleb is my other source of sunshine....he gives the best hugs! John my father in law is pretty great too!
The in-laws...a great example of love and family...and marriage.
Brothers
a picture I retouched...they are so pretty together!!
me and my babe!
The Lail Males!!!
aww such a pretty minature bride!
And such a handsome ring bearer!Operation Baby...still have hope
Operation baby seems to have stalled. The back problems limit almost all types of intimacy. Can't get pregnant without exposure... :)
Mostly I have been ok with it since the prayers answered about the job. It was just what we needed, it restored hope.
Then there are days...have I ever mentioned how much I hate some commercials. I could list them and most people who are trying to conceive will agree that they are like little daggers tossed through that black box right to my heart and uterus.
I admit I watch some soaps, not as regular as in the past...but enough to keep up with the stories. It sickens me recently how some of the women are so flippant with getting pregnant. It is like they put the baby and say...their career on a scale and try to rationalize which one is best for their future. I know these are fictional stories, but they happen every day in real life. I can not reconcile in my mind and heart how wonderful women...loving and long for a child can go barren and women who I am sure have good qualities but they don't' want a child, they don't want to share a son or a daughter with the love of their lives....they get the blessing of a tiny human being that shares her ears and his eyes....they get it!?! They get it and chose to throw it away.
January 2009 is rapidly approaching and I promised to myself that on my birthday in January that I will give it up, no more meds, no more special doctors, no more temping and checking cervical mucous. No more hope for a child of my womb. That will be the end of that dream, but the beginning of another...adoption. People say it so easily..."why don't you adopt"? Like it is something you can just do. Like you can walk into the hospital and say ok, I want to adopt...ohh that one with the head of hair and soft round nose.
I wish it were that easy, I think about all the babies that have been ab.orted and how many women and families would have taken them and they would gladly take the new title of mommy or daddy. If all those babies were still in this world, it would probably be so much easier to find a child to adopt.
Ugh...anyways...I am waiting now until my new insurance kicks in to initiate with the RE. This insurance pays like the last for infertility. I really feel like he won't do much for me until my back is fixed. So I will do whatever is necessary to fix it with this new doctor. Our appointment for last week had to be rescheduled to May 6th.
So now I am going to work on losing weight, have lost 20 pounds since Christmas and that is a lot for someone who can't exercise. I have to get my sugars under control which is hard to do with all the pain.
On the health front...bah. last 3 days I have been nauseated and vomiting. My sugars have been so high...347 was the highest yesterday. I don't know if I have a bug or what, but under penalty of making Scott mad...I will call the doc tomorrow and see what he thinks. I really think it may be my thyroid. My temps are ranging from 96 to 97. While the 97's aren't new to me, last night when it was at it's lowest was when I was the sickest. I was sweating like I had a fever but was so cold to the touch and sore all over like it was a fever. Today is better though.
Just as an aside: baked potatoes are great when I am sick, those and salty lays chips or saltines. Apple juice is also something I can keep down. Scott went to Wendys and got me a tater and whew...it has stayed down and makes me hope this is over.
We went to the in-laws yesterday. Scott helped his dad do a lot of things and I just crashed on the couch. Lena was like a little angel to me. She fixed dinner and made me a comfy place on the couch. She brought me anything I needed and even gave me some pepcid :).
Things will be ok though, I got God on my side and he has blessed me with so much!
Mostly I have been ok with it since the prayers answered about the job. It was just what we needed, it restored hope.
Then there are days...have I ever mentioned how much I hate some commercials. I could list them and most people who are trying to conceive will agree that they are like little daggers tossed through that black box right to my heart and uterus.
I admit I watch some soaps, not as regular as in the past...but enough to keep up with the stories. It sickens me recently how some of the women are so flippant with getting pregnant. It is like they put the baby and say...their career on a scale and try to rationalize which one is best for their future. I know these are fictional stories, but they happen every day in real life. I can not reconcile in my mind and heart how wonderful women...loving and long for a child can go barren and women who I am sure have good qualities but they don't' want a child, they don't want to share a son or a daughter with the love of their lives....they get the blessing of a tiny human being that shares her ears and his eyes....they get it!?! They get it and chose to throw it away.
January 2009 is rapidly approaching and I promised to myself that on my birthday in January that I will give it up, no more meds, no more special doctors, no more temping and checking cervical mucous. No more hope for a child of my womb. That will be the end of that dream, but the beginning of another...adoption. People say it so easily..."why don't you adopt"? Like it is something you can just do. Like you can walk into the hospital and say ok, I want to adopt...ohh that one with the head of hair and soft round nose.
I wish it were that easy, I think about all the babies that have been ab.orted and how many women and families would have taken them and they would gladly take the new title of mommy or daddy. If all those babies were still in this world, it would probably be so much easier to find a child to adopt.
Ugh...anyways...I am waiting now until my new insurance kicks in to initiate with the RE. This insurance pays like the last for infertility. I really feel like he won't do much for me until my back is fixed. So I will do whatever is necessary to fix it with this new doctor. Our appointment for last week had to be rescheduled to May 6th.
So now I am going to work on losing weight, have lost 20 pounds since Christmas and that is a lot for someone who can't exercise. I have to get my sugars under control which is hard to do with all the pain.
On the health front...bah. last 3 days I have been nauseated and vomiting. My sugars have been so high...347 was the highest yesterday. I don't know if I have a bug or what, but under penalty of making Scott mad...I will call the doc tomorrow and see what he thinks. I really think it may be my thyroid. My temps are ranging from 96 to 97. While the 97's aren't new to me, last night when it was at it's lowest was when I was the sickest. I was sweating like I had a fever but was so cold to the touch and sore all over like it was a fever. Today is better though.
Just as an aside: baked potatoes are great when I am sick, those and salty lays chips or saltines. Apple juice is also something I can keep down. Scott went to Wendys and got me a tater and whew...it has stayed down and makes me hope this is over.
We went to the in-laws yesterday. Scott helped his dad do a lot of things and I just crashed on the couch. Lena was like a little angel to me. She fixed dinner and made me a comfy place on the couch. She brought me anything I needed and even gave me some pepcid :).
Things will be ok though, I got God on my side and he has blessed me with so much!
Friday, April 11, 2008
Life goes on...
Time sure flies…even when you ain’t havin fun!
Last weekend was my brother in laws wedding, it was beautiful and I wish them so much happiness. But it all – including the shopping for a dress and shoes the week before took so much out of me. I haven’t done much over the last few days. I have been so wiped out.
The air is lighter around us though, the thought that after Thursday he won’t be climbing that mountain to work in Asheville. Such a relief! Before we found out about this job, we decided to keep track of how much we spend on gas. We planned on getting a pre paid gas card so we knew we had all the money we needed for gas..as we felt we were spending more on gas than anything else. 9 days and we have put in 294.00 in gas! That is like 30 bux a day – that is CRAZY!
Just so happy that we have a lessened gas bill to look forwards to, along with better insurance, more time together, more enjoyment at his job, more time off…just so many positives in this new job.
Other things going on…Cara is about to have her baby…really soon I think. She is excited. I spent some time with them recently and Illan is growing up and is so smart. He is talking so much and is sooo cute, that chubby belly and those legs are so darling.
Marquita and Brad are happy and the pregnancy is going great. They are due in June and Lisa and I are going to give them a baby shower. Kita looks so cute pregnant. Brad is so doting on her, he loves her so much. Her and Cara both are having girls….Ida and Italy will be the first names.
Misti is due in June too I think. As far as I know things are going good with her pregnancy. They decided not to find out what they are having and make it a surprise. If afforded to opportunity to be pregnant – I think this would be my decision as well. Leslie did it with both of her pregnancies and it was really sweet and it made for a great surprise. I saw some pictures of Lily and she is growing too, she is losing all her baby fat and is getting tall and so pretty.
Mom and dad are doing good, they moved back downstairs – FINALLY! Dad is feeling better but still has his days. Mom still needs her oxygen at times, but I think she will feel a lot better now that she is down stairs. IF I am feeling up to it I am going to try to plan a few family get togethers.
This is all on the family and such.
Last weekend was my brother in laws wedding, it was beautiful and I wish them so much happiness. But it all – including the shopping for a dress and shoes the week before took so much out of me. I haven’t done much over the last few days. I have been so wiped out.
The air is lighter around us though, the thought that after Thursday he won’t be climbing that mountain to work in Asheville. Such a relief! Before we found out about this job, we decided to keep track of how much we spend on gas. We planned on getting a pre paid gas card so we knew we had all the money we needed for gas..as we felt we were spending more on gas than anything else. 9 days and we have put in 294.00 in gas! That is like 30 bux a day – that is CRAZY!
Just so happy that we have a lessened gas bill to look forwards to, along with better insurance, more time together, more enjoyment at his job, more time off…just so many positives in this new job.
Other things going on…Cara is about to have her baby…really soon I think. She is excited. I spent some time with them recently and Illan is growing up and is so smart. He is talking so much and is sooo cute, that chubby belly and those legs are so darling.
Marquita and Brad are happy and the pregnancy is going great. They are due in June and Lisa and I are going to give them a baby shower. Kita looks so cute pregnant. Brad is so doting on her, he loves her so much. Her and Cara both are having girls….Ida and Italy will be the first names.
Misti is due in June too I think. As far as I know things are going good with her pregnancy. They decided not to find out what they are having and make it a surprise. If afforded to opportunity to be pregnant – I think this would be my decision as well. Leslie did it with both of her pregnancies and it was really sweet and it made for a great surprise. I saw some pictures of Lily and she is growing too, she is losing all her baby fat and is getting tall and so pretty.
Mom and dad are doing good, they moved back downstairs – FINALLY! Dad is feeling better but still has his days. Mom still needs her oxygen at times, but I think she will feel a lot better now that she is down stairs. IF I am feeling up to it I am going to try to plan a few family get togethers.
This is all on the family and such.
Friday, April 04, 2008
That's what friends are for...(I promise not to sing it)
A friend emailed me to ask how she could help. How can she make any of this any better...my reply:
You just did.
Skies were as black as night lately. I looked back through the darkness trying to find where I went wrong, what I did to put myself...and unfortunately Scott and close friends in this dark place.
Having faith it just adds another layer to it all in a way. Believing that He truly holds it all in His hands and molds it and makes it what it is...believing all of that causes the believer to at times blindly go about life.
Things go great - praise Him.
Things go bad - praise him... there is a song I love called I will praise you in this storm by Casting Crowns. I heard it, sang along with it...believed and echoed the words and their meaning.
Then the storm took a turn - nasty, dark, bitter...did I mention dark turn! It was like umm well, ok this storm is not going away. Did the check list of my Christian walk and the list of yes checks far outweighed the no ones.
So what is it? Is it me? What did I do? What did I not do?
Bitterness snuck in, anger tagged along. Doubt and confusion wasn't far behind. It was getting crowded in my little world and it wasn't all fluff and flowers and sunshine.
My first mistake - letting them all take a seat at my table. But, my defenses were down, happiness in our own personal lives were at an all time low...those black dark emotions came in like they had reservations in my soul or something.
My second mistake - staying there. Bringing those around me in to it too, instead of clawing my way out to meet them in the sunshine. They tried to bring their own but it was a mandatory check at the door.
So I gave anger the control - or maybe it was bitterness...either way I became a passenger of sorts. I got resentful of others living their happy little lives not noticing that I was in a downward spiral. I stopped talking to my God consciously at least, there were no prayers, not one utter of a please, Jesus, Dear Father - nothing for weeks. Big change from praying every day all through the day - from the "whew, thank You God for helping me find my wallet" to the all out on my knees praying for all sorts of things - thanking Him. NO praise music, no church. I told my parents I didn't want to hear how He loves me and He has a plan...I couldn't take it.
So...for a few weeks that was me. I at least had Kari and my friend Leslie - my true faith partners who knows every detail of my life pretty much. Both carry similar crosses that I carry, for some reason they were my lifelines. Not Scott really, not my family, not other friends...they were it.
Then just as this storm lets loose, Leslie has a baby - I can't lay all of this at her doorstep. She has a 2 year old and now a new son. Really all of this really got swirling when our trip to be there for the birth of Jack Henry was canceled. I needed her, I love our calls...but I needed that release, ahh moment...that whatever we get when we share the same space with a person who loves you flaws and all and we don't even have to talk about 'stuff ', just laugh and be silly and love on those precious babies. Make fun of Burt and Scott, we get the inside jokes. There are things that happen with us that no one else on this earth would find funny or interesting but us. That trip being taken away was like a levy breaking. It wasn't the beginning to say the least, but it was in ways the beginning of the end...if that makes sense.
Then after that clear cut NO, one after another came. Cascade of events - those we had really no control over happened. That is when it happened, my faith got tossed out there on the edge and it started 'teetering' as you put it and I had no clear answer how to get it back on safe ground.
Few if any family read my blog, so I knew the only ones that would know what was going on were Leslie and Kari and a few others that lifted me up when my elevator was broken. I didn't want family really to get into it with me. Some are so opinionated about everything and all I needed was to add an argument on top of all that was already on top of me.
So strangers left messages on my blog, they have no idea what those fresh breaths of air did for me. They kept me breathing, they prayed when I couldn't, so unselfish with their time and prayers for someone they know only by a few entries here and there.
Kari...she understood. That was all I needed to hear from her, Hope I understand. I am here, my prayers are yours...I understand. I will never ever be able to repay her for all she did for me.
I felt horrible that I couldn't help you, couldn't encourage you, I tried a little but D I am so sorry that my reserves were spent and I was living on credit for a few of those days. I had another friend who lost her father, was planning her second IVF and she went in for some blood work cause she was sick and bam...pregnant while on a break. It made me believe, it made me start pulling my faith back a little. Then....she lost it. WHY!?! I was sooooo angry with God for allowing this to happen. For giving her the feelings that her dad asked God face to face and He gave her her fathers wish. I can't even explain my feelings.
Then it happened. Kari hit a low, way low. If you could have read the email I sent her you would have laughed so hard - I will have to find it. Here I was so mad at God for taking her strength from her dang it, I needed her! But while I was trying my best to encourage her, to be there for her...you know what happened...I started believing my words. I was given my prayer back, and when it came back it was like a flood.
I was on the upswing I felt, but still nothing in my personal space changed. No baby. No healing in my back. No job for Scott. No happiness at all inside my four walls. As much as I was feeling more alive, I still looked in my hands and they were empty.
Then Kari and I talked, and I don't know if you have heard her voice, but it is one of those voices that when she is happy oooo you can hear her smiling long before you can see it. But, when she is sad....it has to bring tears to angels to hear her sweet voice not happy at all. But all in all, she took me by the hand and we walked in this valley together - different hurts, but the same deep
dark valley that I guess God knew that I needed someone to walk with me and not just throw me a rope now and then from the mountain tops.
Well, as much as I failed this trial...God revealed himself to me clearly yesterday. He knew I was struggling. He knew that without something that touched me, that touched Scott...I would stay lost in this valley for a long time. The longer you stay in a valley the harder it is to get out I think....no, I know.
Scott drives 1 1/2 hour to his job. It isn't just the distance, it is the driving almost straight up a mountain to get there. The benefits suck to say the least, and if we had no health things going on that wouldn't be a big deal but umm...we could have paid half of our house off with the copays and deductibles we have bills for last year alone. We have no family time but on the weekends. It was just horrible every day for him.
He interviewed for many jobs, some interviews were stellar and we just knew. Then one after the other we got the letters "just wanted to let you know, we are going with another candidate, good luck in your job search...blah blah blah". One of these we were so sure about, seemed perfect, just never thought he would not get it. Shortly after the trip fell through to see Leslie - he gets the e-mail.
That was one of a few things weighing on us, that made things 'teeter'.
Thursday, he got a call from the college he interviewed at earlier in the week. We weren't that excited - it was a blah interview, nothing exciting. They didn't ask for references or the numbers or names for any of his bosses at previous employers. And when he was leaving he said he would have the transcripts from college to her by Wednesday. She said don't worry about it. So he really thought it was a wash. He was sick and wasn't into being all to impressive.
So Thursday night we were in Hickory and a short cut from Sam's to Kohl's is through the college parking lot. So we drove through there and we joked how he surely didn't get this job...blah
Well, about 2ish he calls :
"Hope, are you sitting down?"
"Yes, what is it?" (I was standing in the kitchen heating up late lunch.)
"Are you really sitting down?"
"How did you know?....no I am not sitting - just tell me!"(I knew he had meetings all day, they knew he interviewed and today they were going to make some new offers - so I thought maybe they were gonna triple his salary COUGH COUGH)
"No Hope, sit down dang it!"
"Ok ok, is it good or bad?"
"Well, you will have to tell me" (he sounded nervous!)
"Ok, I am sitting...tell me" sigh
"Well, how would a job at the college being the systems admin be?"
I dropped the phone and lost my breath...I couldn't talk to him really!
"HOPE!? HOOOOPPPPEEEE??? you ok???"
crying by now..."Yes honey I am so ok, better than I have been in a long time."
"Babe, don't make me cry - I gotta go in here and tell them I am quitting and I can't cry!"
"I am sorry hon...but this is the one thing, that one personal all about us yes that I needed to see that sun shine, it has been so long since we had anything to be happy about"
"You did it now I am crying too...I gotta go will call you later"
"I love you Scott, I am as light as air - that weight is gone."
"I love you too babe, celebrate tonight."
State benefits - which rock, salary almost matches what he makes now, with the less driving and gas it will make it well worth it. He gets all those school days off, retirement and such. The insurance alone will be worth it. I have 12 scripts a month and my copays are 40 and 65...and with the state benefits the copay will be 10 and 15! So that alone will be HUGE! Plus insurance is free for him, 50ish bux for me and we were paying 300 bux every 2 weeks at his old job.
SO yeah...been flittin around like an idiot...just about to bust. If you have read my blog lately it has been dark and so sad...not like me, but it was me.
No matter if nothing else happens for a while...this was that one thing we needed to just get us out of that hole. He will drive 15 minutes to and from work, no more 1 1/2 hour up a flipping mountain (LITERALLY!) and there were always sooo many wrecks...but now, he will be home by 530 instead of 7, leave at 8 instead of 630. He has worked for 3 different colleges and that atmosphere is his FAV by far.
I know where this came from, I don't understand why He does what He does. Why He lets those who love Him so much, suffer (I know you hate that word). Got so many why's for Him. But, for right now...air is all I feel. Faith is coming back, praying is becoming natural again, Christian music again fills my car and house.
Praying isn't all about speaking the words out loud or in your mind. He knows our houghts...even those that flit by so fast that we don't really know we thought them. He knew what I needed, what Scott needed...what WE needed. He knew that the job we freaked out about was nothing compared to the one He gave to Scott. I wanted to send God my watch for a while...time moves backwards almost in my world and I want Him to know how I was feeling. But He knew.
He Knew.
He answered a prayer that I didn't even realized I prayed.
I did pray it. On my blog I hoped and prayed for it.
Others prayed for it...for me.
I am breathing deeper.
My eyes are opening wider.
Hope is my name, but it is also a bright red thread in the rope that keeps me hanging on to life and love and dreams.
That job shouldn't have been his.
*no references were called
*no previous bosses were called
*no transcripts sent - which were stated as a requirement of the application process
*he was sick and the interview wasn't exceptional
*we had already counted it out
BUT
God was his reference and HE had to have made Scott seem exceptional in their eyes.
God made them see all the potential stated in his resume' and they didn't need to talk to bosses.
God filled the requirements on His on for the application.
God blinded them to Scott's cough and sniffles and showed them he was exceptional.
God didn't count it out - and He is the supreme counter!
I feel like God let us think that we weren't praying maybe. Maybe He wanted to show us that even though we didn't ask for it...He knew what we wanted.
What I do know:
He never left.
It wasn't dark here, my eyes were closed. How can I experience darkness as a child of a King when He is the light?
When my faith is broken, I have people who possess the faith to carry me to the Father.
When my faith is broken, all I have to do is look around and open my eyes to the light and His light is the balm that will heal my broken faith.
When my faith is healed, in one instant - I mean in a flash of a light...bitterness, confusion, anger and all of those negative feelings seem a distant memory.
When my faith is healed - my eyes are opened and the weight of the sadness is lifted - I feel light as air.
But, all that being said - it is like I am waking up after a long sleep and am unsteady in my surroundings, almost have the feeling of too good to be true. That is satan trying to make me close my eyes again. I won't say never, that is a long time. But, as for now...me and my house, my life, my heart is overflowing with light.
How does it all happen - the darkness, the spiral, the separation? Being on the other side...that is easy. The light, accepting it, believing, honoring and opening up to it is the difficult part. But once you get there - it makes the ride worth while - dark cold speed bumps and all.
So you ask me what you can do? You did it....you reached out when you saw a friend in need. You cared. You didn't care from a distance you took the step to become part of the rise and fall in this ride of life. There are not many people who really truly are more than fair weathered friends. When you go through life those friends that were there for you in the dark times are the friends you will remember, you will cherish and unconditionally love. We have all sorts of friends - all are needed, happy time friends sometimes are the best they don't require much maintenance - just be happy and all is good. I love those friends too. But those friends who don't mind getting dirty, getting their hearts filled with hurt for their friend...who care enough to say - hon what can I do and mean it...those friends are friends for life. Even if we never spoke again for whatever reason (hope that doesn't happen) but in my minds book of friends you are right there on the smaller list.
I can't believe I wrote so much - I think I will post this as a blog post too lol. I wanted to post yesterday about the job but had no time and today the same. Scott's brother is getting married tomorrow and all week has been hectic.
I know we are from different places, different faiths - and like religion and spirituality are different - faith and religion is as well. You echo my feelings and thoughts on so many things (more eloquently I might add). From the first post I read of yours I felt connected.
I am rambling now I think, well...I probably past that way up there. It is late and I am going to bed to get up for the wedding .
*******************************
There were so many that posted that really touched my pain and heart. People don't know how a few words - even from strangers can make a difference. I compare it to something else I experienced in life. My brother past away 8 years ago March 31st. I had bowed out of many funerals thinking my presence wouldn't make a difference. I stood in the receiving line, shaking so many hands and hugging so many necks. Their few words spoken to me made the days around his death bearable. I remember so many that came through the line, faces of old friends I hadn't seen in a long time. A lot didn't even know Mark, they came to share their love for our entire family. They may never know how much it meant to see them and hear their words, I can't even explain it. I make it a point to never miss a funeral/receiving if possible. Because as much as I remember the faces of almost everyone that came through that line - I have a little ache for the ones that I know that didn't come. Granted, they probably had good reason - but still it hurts.
I say all that to say this...strangers, best friends, whoever - if you have a moment please send your friend, your coworker, your neighbor, your family ... even another stranger - send them a note or even a prayer their way - you just never know how it will effect their lives. What might seem insignificant to you may mean the world to them.
With that......YAWN - good night!
You just did.
Skies were as black as night lately. I looked back through the darkness trying to find where I went wrong, what I did to put myself...and unfortunately Scott and close friends in this dark place.
Having faith it just adds another layer to it all in a way. Believing that He truly holds it all in His hands and molds it and makes it what it is...believing all of that causes the believer to at times blindly go about life.
Things go great - praise Him.
Things go bad - praise him... there is a song I love called I will praise you in this storm by Casting Crowns. I heard it, sang along with it...believed and echoed the words and their meaning.
Then the storm took a turn - nasty, dark, bitter...did I mention dark turn! It was like umm well, ok this storm is not going away. Did the check list of my Christian walk and the list of yes checks far outweighed the no ones.
So what is it? Is it me? What did I do? What did I not do?
Bitterness snuck in, anger tagged along. Doubt and confusion wasn't far behind. It was getting crowded in my little world and it wasn't all fluff and flowers and sunshine.
My first mistake - letting them all take a seat at my table. But, my defenses were down, happiness in our own personal lives were at an all time low...those black dark emotions came in like they had reservations in my soul or something.
My second mistake - staying there. Bringing those around me in to it too, instead of clawing my way out to meet them in the sunshine. They tried to bring their own but it was a mandatory check at the door.
So I gave anger the control - or maybe it was bitterness...either way I became a passenger of sorts. I got resentful of others living their happy little lives not noticing that I was in a downward spiral. I stopped talking to my God consciously at least, there were no prayers, not one utter of a please, Jesus, Dear Father - nothing for weeks. Big change from praying every day all through the day - from the "whew, thank You God for helping me find my wallet" to the all out on my knees praying for all sorts of things - thanking Him. NO praise music, no church. I told my parents I didn't want to hear how He loves me and He has a plan...I couldn't take it.
So...for a few weeks that was me. I at least had Kari and my friend Leslie - my true faith partners who knows every detail of my life pretty much. Both carry similar crosses that I carry, for some reason they were my lifelines. Not Scott really, not my family, not other friends...they were it.
Then just as this storm lets loose, Leslie has a baby - I can't lay all of this at her doorstep. She has a 2 year old and now a new son. Really all of this really got swirling when our trip to be there for the birth of Jack Henry was canceled. I needed her, I love our calls...but I needed that release, ahh moment...that whatever we get when we share the same space with a person who loves you flaws and all and we don't even have to talk about 'stuff ', just laugh and be silly and love on those precious babies. Make fun of Burt and Scott, we get the inside jokes. There are things that happen with us that no one else on this earth would find funny or interesting but us. That trip being taken away was like a levy breaking. It wasn't the beginning to say the least, but it was in ways the beginning of the end...if that makes sense.
Then after that clear cut NO, one after another came. Cascade of events - those we had really no control over happened. That is when it happened, my faith got tossed out there on the edge and it started 'teetering' as you put it and I had no clear answer how to get it back on safe ground.
Few if any family read my blog, so I knew the only ones that would know what was going on were Leslie and Kari and a few others that lifted me up when my elevator was broken. I didn't want family really to get into it with me. Some are so opinionated about everything and all I needed was to add an argument on top of all that was already on top of me.
So strangers left messages on my blog, they have no idea what those fresh breaths of air did for me. They kept me breathing, they prayed when I couldn't, so unselfish with their time and prayers for someone they know only by a few entries here and there.
Kari...she understood. That was all I needed to hear from her, Hope I understand. I am here, my prayers are yours...I understand. I will never ever be able to repay her for all she did for me.
I felt horrible that I couldn't help you, couldn't encourage you, I tried a little but D I am so sorry that my reserves were spent and I was living on credit for a few of those days. I had another friend who lost her father, was planning her second IVF and she went in for some blood work cause she was sick and bam...pregnant while on a break. It made me believe, it made me start pulling my faith back a little. Then....she lost it. WHY!?! I was sooooo angry with God for allowing this to happen. For giving her the feelings that her dad asked God face to face and He gave her her fathers wish. I can't even explain my feelings.
Then it happened. Kari hit a low, way low. If you could have read the email I sent her you would have laughed so hard - I will have to find it. Here I was so mad at God for taking her strength from her dang it, I needed her! But while I was trying my best to encourage her, to be there for her...you know what happened...I started believing my words. I was given my prayer back, and when it came back it was like a flood.
I was on the upswing I felt, but still nothing in my personal space changed. No baby. No healing in my back. No job for Scott. No happiness at all inside my four walls. As much as I was feeling more alive, I still looked in my hands and they were empty.
Then Kari and I talked, and I don't know if you have heard her voice, but it is one of those voices that when she is happy oooo you can hear her smiling long before you can see it. But, when she is sad....it has to bring tears to angels to hear her sweet voice not happy at all. But all in all, she took me by the hand and we walked in this valley together - different hurts, but the same deep
dark valley that I guess God knew that I needed someone to walk with me and not just throw me a rope now and then from the mountain tops.
Well, as much as I failed this trial...God revealed himself to me clearly yesterday. He knew I was struggling. He knew that without something that touched me, that touched Scott...I would stay lost in this valley for a long time. The longer you stay in a valley the harder it is to get out I think....no, I know.
Scott drives 1 1/2 hour to his job. It isn't just the distance, it is the driving almost straight up a mountain to get there. The benefits suck to say the least, and if we had no health things going on that wouldn't be a big deal but umm...we could have paid half of our house off with the copays and deductibles we have bills for last year alone. We have no family time but on the weekends. It was just horrible every day for him.
He interviewed for many jobs, some interviews were stellar and we just knew. Then one after the other we got the letters "just wanted to let you know, we are going with another candidate, good luck in your job search...blah blah blah". One of these we were so sure about, seemed perfect, just never thought he would not get it. Shortly after the trip fell through to see Leslie - he gets the e-mail.
That was one of a few things weighing on us, that made things 'teeter'.
Thursday, he got a call from the college he interviewed at earlier in the week. We weren't that excited - it was a blah interview, nothing exciting. They didn't ask for references or the numbers or names for any of his bosses at previous employers. And when he was leaving he said he would have the transcripts from college to her by Wednesday. She said don't worry about it. So he really thought it was a wash. He was sick and wasn't into being all to impressive.
So Thursday night we were in Hickory and a short cut from Sam's to Kohl's is through the college parking lot. So we drove through there and we joked how he surely didn't get this job...blah
Well, about 2ish he calls :
"Hope, are you sitting down?"
"Yes, what is it?" (I was standing in the kitchen heating up late lunch.)
"Are you really sitting down?"
"How did you know?....no I am not sitting - just tell me!"(I knew he had meetings all day, they knew he interviewed and today they were going to make some new offers - so I thought maybe they were gonna triple his salary COUGH COUGH)
"No Hope, sit down dang it!"
"Ok ok, is it good or bad?"
"Well, you will have to tell me" (he sounded nervous!)
"Ok, I am sitting...tell me" sigh
"Well, how would a job at the college being the systems admin be?"
I dropped the phone and lost my breath...I couldn't talk to him really!
"HOPE!? HOOOOPPPPEEEE??? you ok???"
crying by now..."Yes honey I am so ok, better than I have been in a long time."
"Babe, don't make me cry - I gotta go in here and tell them I am quitting and I can't cry!"
"I am sorry hon...but this is the one thing, that one personal all about us yes that I needed to see that sun shine, it has been so long since we had anything to be happy about"
"You did it now I am crying too...I gotta go will call you later"
"I love you Scott, I am as light as air - that weight is gone."
"I love you too babe, celebrate tonight."
State benefits - which rock, salary almost matches what he makes now, with the less driving and gas it will make it well worth it. He gets all those school days off, retirement and such. The insurance alone will be worth it. I have 12 scripts a month and my copays are 40 and 65...and with the state benefits the copay will be 10 and 15! So that alone will be HUGE! Plus insurance is free for him, 50ish bux for me and we were paying 300 bux every 2 weeks at his old job.
SO yeah...been flittin around like an idiot...just about to bust. If you have read my blog lately it has been dark and so sad...not like me, but it was me.
No matter if nothing else happens for a while...this was that one thing we needed to just get us out of that hole. He will drive 15 minutes to and from work, no more 1 1/2 hour up a flipping mountain (LITERALLY!) and there were always sooo many wrecks...but now, he will be home by 530 instead of 7, leave at 8 instead of 630. He has worked for 3 different colleges and that atmosphere is his FAV by far.
I know where this came from, I don't understand why He does what He does. Why He lets those who love Him so much, suffer (I know you hate that word). Got so many why's for Him. But, for right now...air is all I feel. Faith is coming back, praying is becoming natural again, Christian music again fills my car and house.
Praying isn't all about speaking the words out loud or in your mind. He knows our houghts...even those that flit by so fast that we don't really know we thought them. He knew what I needed, what Scott needed...what WE needed. He knew that the job we freaked out about was nothing compared to the one He gave to Scott. I wanted to send God my watch for a while...time moves backwards almost in my world and I want Him to know how I was feeling. But He knew.
He Knew.
He answered a prayer that I didn't even realized I prayed.
I did pray it. On my blog I hoped and prayed for it.
Others prayed for it...for me.
I am breathing deeper.
My eyes are opening wider.
Hope is my name, but it is also a bright red thread in the rope that keeps me hanging on to life and love and dreams.
That job shouldn't have been his.
*no references were called
*no previous bosses were called
*no transcripts sent - which were stated as a requirement of the application process
*he was sick and the interview wasn't exceptional
*we had already counted it out
BUT
God was his reference and HE had to have made Scott seem exceptional in their eyes.
God made them see all the potential stated in his resume' and they didn't need to talk to bosses.
God filled the requirements on His on for the application.
God blinded them to Scott's cough and sniffles and showed them he was exceptional.
God didn't count it out - and He is the supreme counter!
I feel like God let us think that we weren't praying maybe. Maybe He wanted to show us that even though we didn't ask for it...He knew what we wanted.
What I do know:
He never left.
It wasn't dark here, my eyes were closed. How can I experience darkness as a child of a King when He is the light?
When my faith is broken, I have people who possess the faith to carry me to the Father.
When my faith is broken, all I have to do is look around and open my eyes to the light and His light is the balm that will heal my broken faith.
When my faith is healed, in one instant - I mean in a flash of a light...bitterness, confusion, anger and all of those negative feelings seem a distant memory.
When my faith is healed - my eyes are opened and the weight of the sadness is lifted - I feel light as air.
But, all that being said - it is like I am waking up after a long sleep and am unsteady in my surroundings, almost have the feeling of too good to be true. That is satan trying to make me close my eyes again. I won't say never, that is a long time. But, as for now...me and my house, my life, my heart is overflowing with light.
How does it all happen - the darkness, the spiral, the separation? Being on the other side...that is easy. The light, accepting it, believing, honoring and opening up to it is the difficult part. But once you get there - it makes the ride worth while - dark cold speed bumps and all.
So you ask me what you can do? You did it....you reached out when you saw a friend in need. You cared. You didn't care from a distance you took the step to become part of the rise and fall in this ride of life. There are not many people who really truly are more than fair weathered friends. When you go through life those friends that were there for you in the dark times are the friends you will remember, you will cherish and unconditionally love. We have all sorts of friends - all are needed, happy time friends sometimes are the best they don't require much maintenance - just be happy and all is good. I love those friends too. But those friends who don't mind getting dirty, getting their hearts filled with hurt for their friend...who care enough to say - hon what can I do and mean it...those friends are friends for life. Even if we never spoke again for whatever reason (hope that doesn't happen) but in my minds book of friends you are right there on the smaller list.
I can't believe I wrote so much - I think I will post this as a blog post too lol. I wanted to post yesterday about the job but had no time and today the same. Scott's brother is getting married tomorrow and all week has been hectic.
I know we are from different places, different faiths - and like religion and spirituality are different - faith and religion is as well. You echo my feelings and thoughts on so many things (more eloquently I might add). From the first post I read of yours I felt connected.
I am rambling now I think, well...I probably past that way up there. It is late and I am going to bed to get up for the wedding .
*******************************
There were so many that posted that really touched my pain and heart. People don't know how a few words - even from strangers can make a difference. I compare it to something else I experienced in life. My brother past away 8 years ago March 31st. I had bowed out of many funerals thinking my presence wouldn't make a difference. I stood in the receiving line, shaking so many hands and hugging so many necks. Their few words spoken to me made the days around his death bearable. I remember so many that came through the line, faces of old friends I hadn't seen in a long time. A lot didn't even know Mark, they came to share their love for our entire family. They may never know how much it meant to see them and hear their words, I can't even explain it. I make it a point to never miss a funeral/receiving if possible. Because as much as I remember the faces of almost everyone that came through that line - I have a little ache for the ones that I know that didn't come. Granted, they probably had good reason - but still it hurts.
I say all that to say this...strangers, best friends, whoever - if you have a moment please send your friend, your coworker, your neighbor, your family ... even another stranger - send them a note or even a prayer their way - you just never know how it will effect their lives. What might seem insignificant to you may mean the world to them.
With that......YAWN - good night!
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Hellllo up there!
All of last week I was sick. It has to be the drafty air and the damp coldness here in this pit - BLAH!
Finally I can breathe through my nose, the sneezing fits and coughing have eased. Those two things were the hardest to handle - back pain is multiplied to the nth degree when you sneeze!
Being sick causes you even more alone time - which sucks. But, I can't blame people - who wants to be exposed to someone sick!?! I definitely wasn't online either, not that they can catch it - but the trek to the living room from the bedroom seemed impossible.
Good days.
Bad days.
Bad days.
Good days.
Seems to be kinda off an on like that lately. I feel like I am coming out of this crap and I am then amazed at how something so little - such as a commercial - you know the ones - just sends me tumbling backwards. So I thought that I would watch something on the movie channels that had no baby-family-mommy-daddy-grandkids-Easter-blah blah blah- commercials. I watched Dexter on Showtime. A newish series about this guy, who kills people - but only bad people. That should keep my mind off of all my problems huh? Well, to a point - but he was adopted through foster care and of course those bits riled me up.
So I thought hmmm there is another series about Henry VIII. History should keep me busy. Multiple reasons I stopped watching The Tudors - almost pornographic but everything in that crazy kings life centered around him having an heir. Not just any heir...a MALE heir. His wife Catherine had him a daughter - not good enough. She then miscarried every child after that. He had an affair - she had a son - but he was illegitimate so it wasn't so simple. Then that son died. He found another woman, he got an annulment of his first marriage, married Anne and she gave him a daughter - not good enough. I am getting so angry I had to stop watching - that and boy the 1500's was all about sex and not just sex but sex with any ole woman they wanted.
I ended up googling Henry VIII and got the rest of his story - he had a son finally and in turn got his heir.
Boy, that was all a bunch of stuff no one really wanted to know.
There are days I pray and pray hard, weeping and just begging for peace, for answers and for others. Then there are days I feel that bitter anger that is always there just not always prominent.
I can't remember the last time I was in church. It used to be that I could say I can't remember the last time I wasn't in church. I have been sick, good excuse I guess. I didn't even go to church for Easter. I don't think in my whole life I have missed an Easter Sunday. EVER. :(
The longer you stay out of church the easier it is to stay out of church.
I got my sermon from my mom yesterday that I can't expect anything from Him if I am not in his favor. I just said ok mom, agreed with her and let it drop - all the while thinking how I was the good Christian, I did what I was supposed to do. I sang, I prayed, I was faithful to church, I witnessed, I did my devotions, studied...all the things I was supposed to do. I wasn't doing them to get something from Him really - I did them because I believed, I trusted, I wanted to do anything that would bring Him glory. Even when I was hurting, confused, felt lost in all the sadness that has been in my life - I was faithful. I believed He had a plan. I rode it out, until the straw that broke the camels back was tossed into my boat and I started taking on water.
Mom says he was testing me to see how I would react to Him in my dark days. I feel like I did great for a long time - longer than I expected, or anyone else really knows. I kept thinking - one more day God and I know you are going to pull me out. I feel You God holding on to my hand...I am not slipping. Then the days turned into weeks, the weeks turned into months...I felt my fingertips slipping. Just a little at first.
My grip went from my hand tight around His wrist and His around mine - to being palm to palm.
I still felt secure, but the time was still bad, darkness was below me and it was tugging hard. But, my Father is strong and faithful - He won't let go.
Maybe I got comfy. I felt my hand slip and all that held me to Him was a grip between our fingers.
Before I knew it, and at this point I am unsure of the catalyst - but I was here. Alone. If this was a test - I failed. But, He knows my weaknesses, He knows my strengths. Why would He let me get to that place when He knows all there is to know about me. He knows my tomorrow, so He knew I would be here. If He loved me so much why would He not save me from all of this?
Scary huh?
Most days I am better. Not saying I am back on solid ground, but I can pray. That is a big leap from where I landed a time back.
Some days though I am bitter, I am ugly, I roll my eyes, I am sarcastic and want to look for the cameras that are filming this joke that is not funny to me.
Sigh - I am such a drama queen. I hope to read this next year and have been let in on the punch line. I hope that I am back to being me. I hope that my dream about a child is realized or squashed for good - in a way I can accept it and just move on. I hope that I am taking long walks with Scott without pain. I hope his drive to work isn't up a mountain. I hope this pit is filled with faith and love and prayer and optimism and all things happy.
I hope.
I am Hope...ha, I kinda get why my brothers all called me Hopeless growing up.
Having hope is a good thing though right? If I had none - that would be dark and empty.
Finally I can breathe through my nose, the sneezing fits and coughing have eased. Those two things were the hardest to handle - back pain is multiplied to the nth degree when you sneeze!
Being sick causes you even more alone time - which sucks. But, I can't blame people - who wants to be exposed to someone sick!?! I definitely wasn't online either, not that they can catch it - but the trek to the living room from the bedroom seemed impossible.
Good days.
Bad days.
Bad days.
Good days.
Seems to be kinda off an on like that lately. I feel like I am coming out of this crap and I am then amazed at how something so little - such as a commercial - you know the ones - just sends me tumbling backwards. So I thought that I would watch something on the movie channels that had no baby-family-mommy-daddy-grandkids-Easter-blah blah blah- commercials. I watched Dexter on Showtime. A newish series about this guy, who kills people - but only bad people. That should keep my mind off of all my problems huh? Well, to a point - but he was adopted through foster care and of course those bits riled me up.
So I thought hmmm there is another series about Henry VIII. History should keep me busy. Multiple reasons I stopped watching The Tudors - almost pornographic but everything in that crazy kings life centered around him having an heir. Not just any heir...a MALE heir. His wife Catherine had him a daughter - not good enough. She then miscarried every child after that. He had an affair - she had a son - but he was illegitimate so it wasn't so simple. Then that son died. He found another woman, he got an annulment of his first marriage, married Anne and she gave him a daughter - not good enough. I am getting so angry I had to stop watching - that and boy the 1500's was all about sex and not just sex but sex with any ole woman they wanted.
I ended up googling Henry VIII and got the rest of his story - he had a son finally and in turn got his heir.
Boy, that was all a bunch of stuff no one really wanted to know.
There are days I pray and pray hard, weeping and just begging for peace, for answers and for others. Then there are days I feel that bitter anger that is always there just not always prominent.
I can't remember the last time I was in church. It used to be that I could say I can't remember the last time I wasn't in church. I have been sick, good excuse I guess. I didn't even go to church for Easter. I don't think in my whole life I have missed an Easter Sunday. EVER. :(
The longer you stay out of church the easier it is to stay out of church.
I got my sermon from my mom yesterday that I can't expect anything from Him if I am not in his favor. I just said ok mom, agreed with her and let it drop - all the while thinking how I was the good Christian, I did what I was supposed to do. I sang, I prayed, I was faithful to church, I witnessed, I did my devotions, studied...all the things I was supposed to do. I wasn't doing them to get something from Him really - I did them because I believed, I trusted, I wanted to do anything that would bring Him glory. Even when I was hurting, confused, felt lost in all the sadness that has been in my life - I was faithful. I believed He had a plan. I rode it out, until the straw that broke the camels back was tossed into my boat and I started taking on water.
Mom says he was testing me to see how I would react to Him in my dark days. I feel like I did great for a long time - longer than I expected, or anyone else really knows. I kept thinking - one more day God and I know you are going to pull me out. I feel You God holding on to my hand...I am not slipping. Then the days turned into weeks, the weeks turned into months...I felt my fingertips slipping. Just a little at first.
My grip went from my hand tight around His wrist and His around mine - to being palm to palm.
I still felt secure, but the time was still bad, darkness was below me and it was tugging hard. But, my Father is strong and faithful - He won't let go.
Maybe I got comfy. I felt my hand slip and all that held me to Him was a grip between our fingers.
Before I knew it, and at this point I am unsure of the catalyst - but I was here. Alone. If this was a test - I failed. But, He knows my weaknesses, He knows my strengths. Why would He let me get to that place when He knows all there is to know about me. He knows my tomorrow, so He knew I would be here. If He loved me so much why would He not save me from all of this?
Scary huh?
Most days I am better. Not saying I am back on solid ground, but I can pray. That is a big leap from where I landed a time back.
Some days though I am bitter, I am ugly, I roll my eyes, I am sarcastic and want to look for the cameras that are filming this joke that is not funny to me.
Sigh - I am such a drama queen. I hope to read this next year and have been let in on the punch line. I hope that I am back to being me. I hope that my dream about a child is realized or squashed for good - in a way I can accept it and just move on. I hope that I am taking long walks with Scott without pain. I hope his drive to work isn't up a mountain. I hope this pit is filled with faith and love and prayer and optimism and all things happy.
I hope.
I am Hope...ha, I kinda get why my brothers all called me Hopeless growing up.
Having hope is a good thing though right? If I had none - that would be dark and empty.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Sharing this pit
Monday started off like most days lately - sleeping in until lunch time (and I hope to hear back from the doctors about that SOON). I checked my email and there was something short and sweet (not really sweet...why do we say that?) from a friend. The short few words were something like please read my blog. I went....title for the day was We're Done! My heart jumped into my throat....before I read further I was saying out loud - they have one more cycle, they still have meds....why God let her find out about the endo and that the endo was what kept her from getting pregnant for the last 5 years. Why God do that and then even with extreme measures You don't let her feel her dream forming in her womb...ugh WHY!?!?!
I was angry, I literally stomped around this house at one point...and stomping is not easy in the current status of my back.
I was hurt, she has been a God send to me...literally He had to of sent her to me - out of all the people on all the fertility websites we chose the same one. God...yeah He did that. And now He is letting her hurt and basically join me in this pit of discontent, confusion, anger, pain, hopelessness ... did I mention this was a pit!?! Kari can't be in a pit....she is Kari! But...look there she is!
I was confused. This woman is such a woman of God. She prays, she sings, she leads, she witnesses, she stands up for Christ and His word. Why then put her through this. Are we not taught from a young age...behave and do what your dad says and you will get a treat, or something special. Our daddy's always came through - I remember the coke and Reese's cup almost ever day. She is our Father's child, she has behaved...she deserved a treat!
I was sad. Here I am...her Christian friend - one she depends on to pray for her to lift her up to God when she has no strength to do it herself. Well, I am in the flippin same pit and I can't lift myself up much less someone else. So I cried out to Him....give me my prayer back so I can pray for her. God I need my prayer back. This carried over to Tuesday. Standing in the shower (stop picturing me naked - not a pretty site anyways), I cried and begged Him to let me help my friend. I prayed for God to give me my prayer back. Later that day, I was sitting on the couch, my mom calls and says Hope...watch channel 11 and listen to this sermon about Hope. I was sad dang it, I didn't want to hear a preacher - I am mad at God for not giving me my prayers back at least so I can pray for others. But I said "Ok mom, I will watch it". I had no intentions of watching...but guilt won me over and I watched.
He preached about Hope, how without it and faith we are lost. How if we get resentful and bitter towards God and stay in that place for long it eats away at our souls. He said even in the sad, bad times we should rejoice and praise him. I yelled (I hope people can't hear me outside - if so there will be men with a white jacket here soon so I must type faster) -YELLED at the preacher...how can I rejoice at such a time as this??? How? Almost as soon as I said that he asked his congregation to bow their heads for prayer. I rolled my eyes and said I can't pray. Then he pointed at the camera and said all those watching in their living rooms close your eyes and pray. It was like he was pointing at me, and heard what I said. I closed my eyes and visions of me crying out to God for my prayer life back, begging him to let me pray for Kari - she needs me God...she needs You! I was praying so hard to get my prayers back...then - ton of bricks on my head. Did ya read what I wrote? I was praying to get my prayers back. I will say it again - it took me a while too. I prayed to get my prayers back. I am such a dork - I was praying all along. Then it all just came out like a flood...praying for Kari, for friends and family and Scott and all kinds of others.
I wrote her an email that rivals most emails. Wanting it to be all about her, all about her healing...and dag nab it it helped me as well. She read it and we talked last night for a couple hours. She and I are getting out of this pit together.
I prayed.
I wish I could say that I was totally ok and back on track. The storm still rages, but He is the anchor that holds me. I still feel like He has forgotten me, I still feel like my life is rocking back and forth.
There is that little light shining down, the pit doesn't feel as deep - thought that might be cause it is cramped in here with Kari and her big ole self.
I laughed so hard with Scott the night before. I hadn't laughed in a long time it felt. He came to bed and I put my ice cold feet on his legs and back and he screamed like a little girl. We both laughed and laughed. I think that was the first break in all of this - a simple belly laugh.
I was angry, I literally stomped around this house at one point...and stomping is not easy in the current status of my back.
I was hurt, she has been a God send to me...literally He had to of sent her to me - out of all the people on all the fertility websites we chose the same one. God...yeah He did that. And now He is letting her hurt and basically join me in this pit of discontent, confusion, anger, pain, hopelessness ... did I mention this was a pit!?! Kari can't be in a pit....she is Kari! But...look there she is!
I was confused. This woman is such a woman of God. She prays, she sings, she leads, she witnesses, she stands up for Christ and His word. Why then put her through this. Are we not taught from a young age...behave and do what your dad says and you will get a treat, or something special. Our daddy's always came through - I remember the coke and Reese's cup almost ever day. She is our Father's child, she has behaved...she deserved a treat!
I was sad. Here I am...her Christian friend - one she depends on to pray for her to lift her up to God when she has no strength to do it herself. Well, I am in the flippin same pit and I can't lift myself up much less someone else. So I cried out to Him....give me my prayer back so I can pray for her. God I need my prayer back. This carried over to Tuesday. Standing in the shower (stop picturing me naked - not a pretty site anyways), I cried and begged Him to let me help my friend. I prayed for God to give me my prayer back. Later that day, I was sitting on the couch, my mom calls and says Hope...watch channel 11 and listen to this sermon about Hope. I was sad dang it, I didn't want to hear a preacher - I am mad at God for not giving me my prayers back at least so I can pray for others. But I said "Ok mom, I will watch it". I had no intentions of watching...but guilt won me over and I watched.
He preached about Hope, how without it and faith we are lost. How if we get resentful and bitter towards God and stay in that place for long it eats away at our souls. He said even in the sad, bad times we should rejoice and praise him. I yelled (I hope people can't hear me outside - if so there will be men with a white jacket here soon so I must type faster) -YELLED at the preacher...how can I rejoice at such a time as this??? How? Almost as soon as I said that he asked his congregation to bow their heads for prayer. I rolled my eyes and said I can't pray. Then he pointed at the camera and said all those watching in their living rooms close your eyes and pray. It was like he was pointing at me, and heard what I said. I closed my eyes and visions of me crying out to God for my prayer life back, begging him to let me pray for Kari - she needs me God...she needs You! I was praying so hard to get my prayers back...then - ton of bricks on my head. Did ya read what I wrote? I was praying to get my prayers back. I will say it again - it took me a while too. I prayed to get my prayers back. I am such a dork - I was praying all along. Then it all just came out like a flood...praying for Kari, for friends and family and Scott and all kinds of others.
I wrote her an email that rivals most emails. Wanting it to be all about her, all about her healing...and dag nab it it helped me as well. She read it and we talked last night for a couple hours. She and I are getting out of this pit together.
I prayed.
I wish I could say that I was totally ok and back on track. The storm still rages, but He is the anchor that holds me. I still feel like He has forgotten me, I still feel like my life is rocking back and forth.
There is that little light shining down, the pit doesn't feel as deep - thought that might be cause it is cramped in here with Kari and her big ole self.
I laughed so hard with Scott the night before. I hadn't laughed in a long time it felt. He came to bed and I put my ice cold feet on his legs and back and he screamed like a little girl. We both laughed and laughed. I think that was the first break in all of this - a simple belly laugh.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Stuck in a Pit...grr
I picked up the book by Beth Moore - Getting out of the pit. I bought this book a few months ago after the suggestion of a wonderful singer told me how it helped her get out of her pit of fear and pain. I started reading it again and one of the first chapters was about feeling 'stuck'. Funny how one of my last posts I said...I feel stuck!
I want to get back to praying every chance I got - which was multiple times a day. I open my mouth to say please Lord and I stop...I just stop. Stuck. Am I getting comfortable in this pit and taking up residence? My radios were always on a christian/gospel station. I haven't turned on a radio in weeks. The one in the car is on some pop station now. Hasn't been changed. All I have to do is hit the first programmed button and it goes straight to Joy FM. STUCK.
My mom calls and tells me to watch a preacher on TV that is giving a good message. I say sure to not hurt her feelings or make her think I am spiralling...but I leave it on TLC to finish watching some home makeover. I am not spiralling, I am at the bottom. Stuck in this pit. I keep waiting for some thing to happen, some thing to make me fall on my knees and pray ... that is all I want to do is pray. I feel like if I can get back to there at least the rest will just come back on it's own.
I want to feel that connection with God that praying gives...that it sustains.
I feel like I am here........................... ............................God is way over there and that gap can only close if I can pray. I wanted to pray for a friend who had a failed IUI cycle, I wanted to pray for Scott while he was sick, I want to pray for my own healing, I want to pray for my brother in laws wedding, I want to pray for my parents. I just want to pray to thank Him for a beautiful day, for my daffodils blooming so pretty in my yard. I have a prayer list that is filled with family and friends and strangers. I look at that list almost daily and I can't find the words that used to come naturally.
HOW DO I GET IT BACK? I do want it back. I want out of this pit, I want that relationship with God back.
I read the book on the way to a birthday party for my nephew. He is 5. He is beautiful. He hugs and kisses Scott and I, and no matter the mood it elevates us above any sadness that this party is not for our child. On the way there I had put down the book as we got off the interstate. The gift shuffling across the back seat with each turn, its' movement not interupted by a child saftey seat snuggly attached. The huge blue bow on top struggling to stay on not being pulled at by a nosey toddler in the back seat.
When we shopped for Caleb, Scott and I always feel the same things....oooo our child would love this, wish I was shopping for our son or daughter. I remember times when we would actually buy things for our 'child'. That has stopped. The box that had toys, a few clothes and other baby accouterments has stopped growing and for the most part the things in that box have found their way to other children and kid visitors.
We were handling it all very well, watching the kids run and bowl and yell for mommy and daddy to see the pins that they knocked down. Then there was the 3 month old baby there, friends of my nephews mother. She was so cute, being passed from woman to woman. Not me, I didn't offer my arms and wasn't asked to hold her. Then there were 3 women in my life sitting at our table talking about the sizes of their children at birth, they even tried to engage me in this conversation. I shoved a french fry in my mouth and blamed the hotness of it for the reason my eyes are tearing up. UGH
Just every day there is something that reminds me why I am here, why I am stuck. Whether it be a pregnant 15 year old walking through Wal-Mart or a young couple looking at vacation photos of them hiking and having a great time, or a mother swinging her child around in a circle not worrying about her back pain - because she has none. No matter if on some TV show where something grand happens or something I see in real life...something reminds me of my prayers...my personal for me prayers either being shut down or not answered. I get angry and am becoming bitter. What if I stay here? How bleak is that!?! I have become one of those the glass is half empty kinda girls. That has never been me. I have always been able to see the good, even the possibility of good.
I hope this book helps me, I hope the pit is temporary. I can't stand this - this pit disconnects me from people, God, life...and worse of all I think I have brought Scott into it with me. ... no think about it..I have brought him in it with me. :( Scary because he was always the one on the other end of the rope pulling me out. I even see the rope coiled up in the corner of this pit so even if there were someone up there....I hope they have another rope! EEEEEEK
The new medication he put me on for nerve pain is making me even more crazy. Today...I woke up at 12:30...pm not am! I went to bed Saturday night by 9. Actually was in bed around 8 took 2 pain pills and finally went to sleep by 9. It wasn't that I was laying there tossing and not sleeping...I slept 15 hours!!! I could have stayed asleep had it not been for Scott waking me. That has to be some world record or something. I was going to stop it on Friday but I thought I should wait until I talk to the doctor. I could go back to sleep right now I bet. UGH.
OK, book is written ha ha. I do feel better after posting here for some reason.
I want to get back to praying every chance I got - which was multiple times a day. I open my mouth to say please Lord and I stop...I just stop. Stuck. Am I getting comfortable in this pit and taking up residence? My radios were always on a christian/gospel station. I haven't turned on a radio in weeks. The one in the car is on some pop station now. Hasn't been changed. All I have to do is hit the first programmed button and it goes straight to Joy FM. STUCK.
My mom calls and tells me to watch a preacher on TV that is giving a good message. I say sure to not hurt her feelings or make her think I am spiralling...but I leave it on TLC to finish watching some home makeover. I am not spiralling, I am at the bottom. Stuck in this pit. I keep waiting for some thing to happen, some thing to make me fall on my knees and pray ... that is all I want to do is pray. I feel like if I can get back to there at least the rest will just come back on it's own.
I want to feel that connection with God that praying gives...that it sustains.
I feel like I am here........................... ............................God is way over there and that gap can only close if I can pray. I wanted to pray for a friend who had a failed IUI cycle, I wanted to pray for Scott while he was sick, I want to pray for my own healing, I want to pray for my brother in laws wedding, I want to pray for my parents. I just want to pray to thank Him for a beautiful day, for my daffodils blooming so pretty in my yard. I have a prayer list that is filled with family and friends and strangers. I look at that list almost daily and I can't find the words that used to come naturally.
HOW DO I GET IT BACK? I do want it back. I want out of this pit, I want that relationship with God back.
I read the book on the way to a birthday party for my nephew. He is 5. He is beautiful. He hugs and kisses Scott and I, and no matter the mood it elevates us above any sadness that this party is not for our child. On the way there I had put down the book as we got off the interstate. The gift shuffling across the back seat with each turn, its' movement not interupted by a child saftey seat snuggly attached. The huge blue bow on top struggling to stay on not being pulled at by a nosey toddler in the back seat.
When we shopped for Caleb, Scott and I always feel the same things....oooo our child would love this, wish I was shopping for our son or daughter. I remember times when we would actually buy things for our 'child'. That has stopped. The box that had toys, a few clothes and other baby accouterments has stopped growing and for the most part the things in that box have found their way to other children and kid visitors.
We were handling it all very well, watching the kids run and bowl and yell for mommy and daddy to see the pins that they knocked down. Then there was the 3 month old baby there, friends of my nephews mother. She was so cute, being passed from woman to woman. Not me, I didn't offer my arms and wasn't asked to hold her. Then there were 3 women in my life sitting at our table talking about the sizes of their children at birth, they even tried to engage me in this conversation. I shoved a french fry in my mouth and blamed the hotness of it for the reason my eyes are tearing up. UGH
Just every day there is something that reminds me why I am here, why I am stuck. Whether it be a pregnant 15 year old walking through Wal-Mart or a young couple looking at vacation photos of them hiking and having a great time, or a mother swinging her child around in a circle not worrying about her back pain - because she has none. No matter if on some TV show where something grand happens or something I see in real life...something reminds me of my prayers...my personal for me prayers either being shut down or not answered. I get angry and am becoming bitter. What if I stay here? How bleak is that!?! I have become one of those the glass is half empty kinda girls. That has never been me. I have always been able to see the good, even the possibility of good.
I hope this book helps me, I hope the pit is temporary. I can't stand this - this pit disconnects me from people, God, life...and worse of all I think I have brought Scott into it with me. ... no think about it..I have brought him in it with me. :( Scary because he was always the one on the other end of the rope pulling me out. I even see the rope coiled up in the corner of this pit so even if there were someone up there....I hope they have another rope! EEEEEEK
The new medication he put me on for nerve pain is making me even more crazy. Today...I woke up at 12:30...pm not am! I went to bed Saturday night by 9. Actually was in bed around 8 took 2 pain pills and finally went to sleep by 9. It wasn't that I was laying there tossing and not sleeping...I slept 15 hours!!! I could have stayed asleep had it not been for Scott waking me. That has to be some world record or something. I was going to stop it on Friday but I thought I should wait until I talk to the doctor. I could go back to sleep right now I bet. UGH.
OK, book is written ha ha. I do feel better after posting here for some reason.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Thank you
Needless to say I am so overwhelmed by the responses here, sometimes I forget that some people actually read the things I say. I almost wish I hadn't put it out there, but too late now I guess.
I don't really know what to say at this point. I wish I could tell of some miracle or wonderful thing in my personal life...nothing there. I am just numb really right now.
Someone said it is scary to be 'alone'. It really is. A friend called and we talked a bit, she had no clue what was going on in my life - had been a while since we had talked. We kind of caught up and she needed to go and she said Hope, please pray for this certain thing...we really need God's hand to take care of this. I didn't know what to say. Usually my response would be of course, I know He will take care of you, I will pray hard for the answer. I didn't know what to say so I just said I am sure things will be fine.
I want to pray, I want to feel like I am fruitful with my prayers.
Scott had another interview this morning with a different company. We didn't really tell anyone because I know they will say we will pray for it, and pray with you. My mom always tells me to fast and to pray when we want something. I did that last week when he had the interview with the other company...maybe that is why it was so tough. I took all these extra steps to please Him and .... nothing.
The replies here are touching and amazing to say the least. I opened my email one night and saw there were all these posts to me. I can't tell you how much I appreciate them and how they did help. I am researching my insurance to find out about talking to someone. I have never felt like I would ever in my life need to talk to anyone in this manner. I feel isolated, all my friends are Christians and are so close to God. I don't feel they can understand this distance between God and my heart. I love my friends and if not for them this hole would be so much deeper and darker. My bestest friend called today. I want to just go there and feel that closeness, feel that relationship we share and it's healing properties. Times like this make me regret moving back to NC. Friends I had here before moving to SC have moved on and I can't blame them really....with all that is going on I let myself fall further and further away from them. I didn't reach out. I didn't let them in.
If not for Leslie and Lisa and crazy as it sounds my mother in law and my parents and Scott - I really don't know what I would do. These people are physically in my life, these are my anchors that keep me grounded and keep me from feeling completely alone. I don't know what I would do without them. But, I can't let it all out with them. It makes me feel like I am not a good friend, wife, daughter, sister. Each of them have their own lives and all that goes with it. I don't want to add anything negative to their busy, stressful lives. So for the most part I put on the happy face and share a different part of what I am going through with each of them so no one has to carry it all. I am going to screw up one day and forget who knows what and get yelled at for not telling it all to begin with SIGH!
On the other side of that friend coin is my sister in Christ, someone who shares my faith and even when it is shattered and I am gasping for air she is that little light sent to share her breath, and when my faith is shattered she has enough for both of us. She is holding on to those pieces waiting patiently to help me put them back together. She has this voice that always sounds like she is smiling. She understand that it has to take a lot for me to get where I am. We have this similar level of faith in, love for, awe of our God. So she knows for me to feel so alone from Him...it takes a lot. She doesn't question me, she offers support. She doesn't tell me I just need to trust that He will take care of it. She listens to my pain and instead of telling me to pray when I can't...she prays for me. I have never touched her, I have never felt her hand in mine. But, I have felt her love and prayers and through her words I feel her hurt for me. Between Kari and Leslie they have shown such unconditional love to me...when they didn't have to.
There are all the other 'Divas' on this black box that have kept me smiling and show so much love to me. And all these women who I have never spoken to or even read their blogs that has posted to me...took the time to offer prayers and their words to someone they don't know. Some have been where I am and have lived to tell about it. :)
Thank you all.
I am taking steps to get out of this pit.
I want to pray and feel like He hears me.
I know that all is not black in my life.
I know I am blessed with love.
I felt the love from my niece and nephew through such tight, warm loving hugs this weekend.
I am climbing up.
I haven't doubted my salvation, I know He is real, I know He has done and will do miracles. I just feel like I am waiting in line for my miracle and all of the other lines are moving forward but my line...kinda stuck, passed over.
I don't feel like I deserve all of this sadness...but Scott really doesn't. I want out of this pit so he can be happy, so he can feel loved, feel like he has his life he wanted with his wife. I want to pray for that. Should I? Praying without expecting God to hear it..much less answer it... just doesn't mesh with what I was taught about praying.
Emotionally I think things are a little better. I am not sure if it is because of the numb feeling or that I am just handling it better. I am not sure if any who have read this blog felt that I might do something detrimental to myself. NEVER. I have felt the pain of that selfish act and would never put my family and friends through that. NEVER.
The skies are blue in NC today, sun is shining and I wish I could get a redo for the past 2 years yet still have the knowledge I have today. So much would be different I think.
Don't take for granted any everyday mundane thing you do such as walking to the mail box, sweeping the kitchen, washing laundry, picking up your niece or nephew, putting on your socks...I could go on and on. I never thought I would miss doing house work.
New back doctor next month.
New nerve pain meds started last week.
Waiting for the insurance lady to call back with answers to my questions.
One day at a time.
I don't really know what to say at this point. I wish I could tell of some miracle or wonderful thing in my personal life...nothing there. I am just numb really right now.
Someone said it is scary to be 'alone'. It really is. A friend called and we talked a bit, she had no clue what was going on in my life - had been a while since we had talked. We kind of caught up and she needed to go and she said Hope, please pray for this certain thing...we really need God's hand to take care of this. I didn't know what to say. Usually my response would be of course, I know He will take care of you, I will pray hard for the answer. I didn't know what to say so I just said I am sure things will be fine.
I want to pray, I want to feel like I am fruitful with my prayers.
Scott had another interview this morning with a different company. We didn't really tell anyone because I know they will say we will pray for it, and pray with you. My mom always tells me to fast and to pray when we want something. I did that last week when he had the interview with the other company...maybe that is why it was so tough. I took all these extra steps to please Him and .... nothing.
The replies here are touching and amazing to say the least. I opened my email one night and saw there were all these posts to me. I can't tell you how much I appreciate them and how they did help. I am researching my insurance to find out about talking to someone. I have never felt like I would ever in my life need to talk to anyone in this manner. I feel isolated, all my friends are Christians and are so close to God. I don't feel they can understand this distance between God and my heart. I love my friends and if not for them this hole would be so much deeper and darker. My bestest friend called today. I want to just go there and feel that closeness, feel that relationship we share and it's healing properties. Times like this make me regret moving back to NC. Friends I had here before moving to SC have moved on and I can't blame them really....with all that is going on I let myself fall further and further away from them. I didn't reach out. I didn't let them in.
If not for Leslie and Lisa and crazy as it sounds my mother in law and my parents and Scott - I really don't know what I would do. These people are physically in my life, these are my anchors that keep me grounded and keep me from feeling completely alone. I don't know what I would do without them. But, I can't let it all out with them. It makes me feel like I am not a good friend, wife, daughter, sister. Each of them have their own lives and all that goes with it. I don't want to add anything negative to their busy, stressful lives. So for the most part I put on the happy face and share a different part of what I am going through with each of them so no one has to carry it all. I am going to screw up one day and forget who knows what and get yelled at for not telling it all to begin with SIGH!
On the other side of that friend coin is my sister in Christ, someone who shares my faith and even when it is shattered and I am gasping for air she is that little light sent to share her breath, and when my faith is shattered she has enough for both of us. She is holding on to those pieces waiting patiently to help me put them back together. She has this voice that always sounds like she is smiling. She understand that it has to take a lot for me to get where I am. We have this similar level of faith in, love for, awe of our God. So she knows for me to feel so alone from Him...it takes a lot. She doesn't question me, she offers support. She doesn't tell me I just need to trust that He will take care of it. She listens to my pain and instead of telling me to pray when I can't...she prays for me. I have never touched her, I have never felt her hand in mine. But, I have felt her love and prayers and through her words I feel her hurt for me. Between Kari and Leslie they have shown such unconditional love to me...when they didn't have to.
There are all the other 'Divas' on this black box that have kept me smiling and show so much love to me. And all these women who I have never spoken to or even read their blogs that has posted to me...took the time to offer prayers and their words to someone they don't know. Some have been where I am and have lived to tell about it. :)
Thank you all.
I am taking steps to get out of this pit.
I want to pray and feel like He hears me.
I know that all is not black in my life.
I know I am blessed with love.
I felt the love from my niece and nephew through such tight, warm loving hugs this weekend.
I am climbing up.
I haven't doubted my salvation, I know He is real, I know He has done and will do miracles. I just feel like I am waiting in line for my miracle and all of the other lines are moving forward but my line...kinda stuck, passed over.
I don't feel like I deserve all of this sadness...but Scott really doesn't. I want out of this pit so he can be happy, so he can feel loved, feel like he has his life he wanted with his wife. I want to pray for that. Should I? Praying without expecting God to hear it..much less answer it... just doesn't mesh with what I was taught about praying.
Emotionally I think things are a little better. I am not sure if it is because of the numb feeling or that I am just handling it better. I am not sure if any who have read this blog felt that I might do something detrimental to myself. NEVER. I have felt the pain of that selfish act and would never put my family and friends through that. NEVER.
The skies are blue in NC today, sun is shining and I wish I could get a redo for the past 2 years yet still have the knowledge I have today. So much would be different I think.
Don't take for granted any everyday mundane thing you do such as walking to the mail box, sweeping the kitchen, washing laundry, picking up your niece or nephew, putting on your socks...I could go on and on. I never thought I would miss doing house work.
New back doctor next month.
New nerve pain meds started last week.
Waiting for the insurance lady to call back with answers to my questions.
One day at a time.
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
I can't
I don't even know how to start this really.
Just in a low dark place in life right now. It is so dark I honestly can't remember a time over the last ... almost 2 years that was truly happy and carefree.
I don't remember a YES from God in these past 2 years.
I can't even remember how it feels to be pain free, to feel free to jump out of bed in the morning and get ready for work. I took for granted the freedom to do normal every day things. Hopping in the car to run to Target or the grocery store...heck Hopping would be nice!
Overwhelmed with the ability to remember every no over the last 2 years, every bad, sad, draining, heartbreaking NO handed down to me by my loving Father.
Occasionally everyone...everyone needs something to hold on to. Some answer of YES, some personal yes to span the distance between those devastating no's.
Granted, I have prayed for others, for healing, for their happiness, and of course their yes's ... their blessings are wonderful and to a point lift me up to hope for my own. I have watched as family and friends have prayers answered, their faith renewed or strengthened. I am not jealous of their happiness - I really don't think this is jealousy. It isn't their fault that I am where I am.
I know...yes, I know that God has blessed me with air, water, home, food, life...but for the most part everyone has that. My needs are pretty much met...I guess that should be enough. But sometimes...once in a while we all need a want - a personal, all about me, all about my family, heart soothing, soul rejuvenating, faith renewing answer of YES to a want. My wants aren't something extreme...family of my own, Scott a job closer to home, my pain to ease...it isn't like I am asking for some crazy unrealistic thing.
I thought time would soften this hurt, but it hasn't. Usually I get this overwhelmed and go through the anger, the hurt, the sadness finally making it to acceptance. I seem to get to acceptance and my faith is intact, my heart healing and I rest firm in the knowledge that my life and my whole being is in the hands of God.
I am stuck in anger, hurt and sadness. Within a time frame of a few days...I was bombarded with NO's. Not just the silence of not answering...which leaves hope. These were cut and dry...N-O! It wasn't just this job, if it was.... I think it would have never been this big of an issue in my heart and soul. When Scott got home that day that we found out he didn't get this job...half joking I said all we need now is a no to this certain prayer we had been praying and that will be the cherry on top. The next day...that cherry came. And it didn't stop there.
So here I am, feeling like my prayers, my wants are falling on deaf ears. I have never been one to expect the worse. I have always been one to see the potential, the possibility, the positive in most everything. Right now...I don't even feel like I can pray. I have even caught myself mid sentence saying Please Dear God....STOP IT HOPE...HE ISN"T LISTENING TO YOU! Maybe that sounds harsh or childish but I can't help but feel like my prayers are being redirected or aren't making it through the clouds.
It is difficult to see how all of this is impacting Scott. He works all day to come home to a wife that can't make love to him, can't really cook him a meal, can't lift clothes baskets to wash his clothes, barely keeping the house manageable. He never knows if he is coming home to a bucket of tears or a semi happy wife. He does know he hasn't came home to the woman he married...in the last 2 years pretty much, and he doesn't know when or if his 'wife' will be back. I am lucky he comes home at all huh?
If not for friends, for my mom and dad, for Scott I think I would just stay in bed all day every day. Most of my family and my in-laws know nothing of what we are going through. Honestly no one knows it all. I hate pity.
I know that He saved my soul...the anniversary of that is March 9th. Kinda ironic that that date would coincide with the lowest point in my Christian walk. I have only felt this alone one other time. Not alone from family or friends...but alone from His grace, His love, His tender care.
I can't pray.
I can't remember how faith felt.
I can't feel Him.
I can't see the light.
I can't find my way out.
I can't type anymore....I can't see through the tears.
Just in a low dark place in life right now. It is so dark I honestly can't remember a time over the last ... almost 2 years that was truly happy and carefree.
I don't remember a YES from God in these past 2 years.
I can't even remember how it feels to be pain free, to feel free to jump out of bed in the morning and get ready for work. I took for granted the freedom to do normal every day things. Hopping in the car to run to Target or the grocery store...heck Hopping would be nice!
Overwhelmed with the ability to remember every no over the last 2 years, every bad, sad, draining, heartbreaking NO handed down to me by my loving Father.
Occasionally everyone...everyone needs something to hold on to. Some answer of YES, some personal yes to span the distance between those devastating no's.
Granted, I have prayed for others, for healing, for their happiness, and of course their yes's ... their blessings are wonderful and to a point lift me up to hope for my own. I have watched as family and friends have prayers answered, their faith renewed or strengthened. I am not jealous of their happiness - I really don't think this is jealousy. It isn't their fault that I am where I am.
I know...yes, I know that God has blessed me with air, water, home, food, life...but for the most part everyone has that. My needs are pretty much met...I guess that should be enough. But sometimes...once in a while we all need a want - a personal, all about me, all about my family, heart soothing, soul rejuvenating, faith renewing answer of YES to a want. My wants aren't something extreme...family of my own, Scott a job closer to home, my pain to ease...it isn't like I am asking for some crazy unrealistic thing.
I thought time would soften this hurt, but it hasn't. Usually I get this overwhelmed and go through the anger, the hurt, the sadness finally making it to acceptance. I seem to get to acceptance and my faith is intact, my heart healing and I rest firm in the knowledge that my life and my whole being is in the hands of God.
I am stuck in anger, hurt and sadness. Within a time frame of a few days...I was bombarded with NO's. Not just the silence of not answering...which leaves hope. These were cut and dry...N-O! It wasn't just this job, if it was.... I think it would have never been this big of an issue in my heart and soul. When Scott got home that day that we found out he didn't get this job...half joking I said all we need now is a no to this certain prayer we had been praying and that will be the cherry on top. The next day...that cherry came. And it didn't stop there.
So here I am, feeling like my prayers, my wants are falling on deaf ears. I have never been one to expect the worse. I have always been one to see the potential, the possibility, the positive in most everything. Right now...I don't even feel like I can pray. I have even caught myself mid sentence saying Please Dear God....STOP IT HOPE...HE ISN"T LISTENING TO YOU! Maybe that sounds harsh or childish but I can't help but feel like my prayers are being redirected or aren't making it through the clouds.
It is difficult to see how all of this is impacting Scott. He works all day to come home to a wife that can't make love to him, can't really cook him a meal, can't lift clothes baskets to wash his clothes, barely keeping the house manageable. He never knows if he is coming home to a bucket of tears or a semi happy wife. He does know he hasn't came home to the woman he married...in the last 2 years pretty much, and he doesn't know when or if his 'wife' will be back. I am lucky he comes home at all huh?
If not for friends, for my mom and dad, for Scott I think I would just stay in bed all day every day. Most of my family and my in-laws know nothing of what we are going through. Honestly no one knows it all. I hate pity.
I know that He saved my soul...the anniversary of that is March 9th. Kinda ironic that that date would coincide with the lowest point in my Christian walk. I have only felt this alone one other time. Not alone from family or friends...but alone from His grace, His love, His tender care.
I can't pray.
I can't remember how faith felt.
I can't feel Him.
I can't see the light.
I can't find my way out.
I can't type anymore....I can't see through the tears.
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