On the first day of Christmas...

We had christmas today at my inlaws...was a great day. I am so blessed to have them in my family. If I never have a child...I am still blessed.

I must tell Jesus

I must tell Jesus all of my trials,
I cannot bear these burdens alone;
In my distress He kindly will help me,
He ever loves and cares for His own.

I must tell Jesus! I must tell Jesus!
I cannot bear my burdens alone;
I must tell Jesus! I must tell Jesus!
Jesus can help me, Jesus alone.

I must tell Jesus all of my troubles,
He is a kind, compassionate Friend;
If I but ask Him He will deliver,
Make of my troubles quickly an end.

Tempted and tried I need a great Savior,
One who can help my burdens to bear;
I must tell Jesus, I must tell Jesus:
He all my cares and sorrows will share.

pictures

Sunrise

This was one of the pictures from Santee...was sunrise! The trip was good, a lot of rest. I missed all the business that used to accompany a trip to Santee. I did enjoy my parents and brother a lot though! More pictures to come.

Inquiring minds...

wanna know what Camera I am using. I am using the Canon Digital Rebel XT SLR...hoping Santa brings me the newest Canon for Christmas.

I LOVE it!

Ta Ta for now

I am bouncing in my seat - if possible. My heart just skips a beat every time I think of tomorrow.

Tomorrow - my parents and I hit the road.
Tomorrow- family will start trickling in from day to day.
Tomorrow- as we pull up into the drive way and daddy unlocks the house I will run (in my best and least painful run) to the back glass door, down the steps of the deck...down the familiar path that I can walk in the dark with no lights...down the wooden pier to the end and take a few deep breaths as I look out across the lake that my family has visited since I was about 10. (My father fished there with Roland Martin long before I was born).

I loved the beach, but there is something about this lake. Santee Cooper in South Carolina. Lake Marion to some. This is the true meaning of vacation. We used to stay at this judges house my dad knew, then dad met up with this woman called Gaynelle ( couldn't make that up if I tried!). She is a super sweet lady, she has a daughter named Little Gaynelle :p...still not kidding. She lives in a house with a helicopter pad, huge hunting land...just awesome. She has a house she rents out - mostly to hunters, but her and mom and dad hit it off and we started going there every year...two or more times a year. It isn't fancy by any means - the judges house was and it kind of made us all work harder to be neater and such. While we still like it clean, no one freaks out if you run in with sand on your feet or so excited about the crappie you just caught that you run through the house with it dripping a little :). It is homey, has a pool table for those rainy days or those way too hot days....also great for those 3 a.m. pool tournaments!! We have had more than 20 staying. There is a piano too and some of my favorite memories have been hearing Mark play the piano and make it sound in tune. Johnny too has that talent.

Mom and dad loved Santee so much they bought a house there, we all loved it. Then dad got sick and he sold it. But we always had the Clarendon Club! But we haven't been there really in almost 10 years I guess. We stayed at Johnny's place a few times...but nothing is like this house.

TV is just local chanels, it is 10 miles from the highway I think and unless you have your cell phone you don't have to worry about phone calls. I just can't wait.

I have packed enough yarn to knit and crochet a blanket to cover the house haha. Camera is ready to go too - I promise some pictures. I can't wait to spend some time with family and hopefully catch a few fish.

I will post soon as I get back! ((HUGS))

one of our biggest catches!! HOOOOGE catfish!

umm did I mention there are gators there and we swim in that water!?!?!

Brad and his big catch...that was about 15 years ago - aww

Daddy and Johnny in front of 'our' house...yumm at the fish fry!

you know you wanna be there too!!

I wish I were alone.

I wish that I were the only one in the world who prayed for God to answer my prayer tonight...you know that prayer about us having a baby.

I wish that it was just me who couldn't drift right off to sleep without sighing...thinking about the empty room down the hall.

I wish it were only me who got choked up seeing an old friend after a few years when they asked me about our kids.

I wish on every star above that I alone avoided the baby aisle like satan himself was going to jump out at me if I dared to turn my buggy in that direction.

I wish I were alone.

Why can't it just be me who gets that knot the size of Alaska in my stomach when mother's day approaches (father's day too)?

What I wouldn't give to be the one who smiled when the "We're pregnant" announcement was made...to just sneak out shortly to my car to let the stream of tears fall.

If it was just me there would be no need for IVF or reproductive endocrinologists, fertility clinics, fertility drugs, shots. Others wouldn't feel like they have road the 'wand' so many times they should get frequent flyer miles!

If it were just me, the pain wouldn't change. I still would feel empty. Whoever came up with the quote misery loves company should have put an asterisk there to say * except for people with infertility*. I wish that something silly or creative brought me together with these wonderful people I have met here and there. I am saddened that our first thread of communication started from pain that can't be described properly.

I wish I were alone.

I wish I were the only one who watched their husbands ache to be called daddy and it hasn't happened.
I wish it were just me who declined baby showers due to self preservation.
I wish it were only me who felt left out of the PTA, potty training, swimming lessons, 'family' time, and the spit up club where they wear it like perfume or something.
I want to be the only one who sees some stupid commercial and cries or some movie...heck even some cartoon movie like Meet the Robinson's (which I will deny to have watched more times than Officer and A Gentleman, Ghost, Pride and Prejudice all together...I can deny it this is my blog!).

I wish I were alone....

But I am not.

So many precious people I have met (here and in person) share this struggle.
I am not the only one who buys things here and there ... having the hope that one day our child will need this.
In that same respect I am not the only one who eventually gives it to someone when that faith wanes.
If on mother's day - all the tears from every woman longing to be celebrated as well were collected we could fill a few Olympic sized pools easily - I am not alone.
Even when we don't tell others, I know I am not alone in feeling almost like I am suffocating as Christmas inches closer and closer.
I am not the only one who has every intention of buying real gifts for the children in my life and sometimes stuff cash in a card and hand it over.
I am not the only one unfortunately who avoids the mall at Christmas like a man avoids the tampon aisle. This girl likes to shop, but my heart can't handle the lines of strollers filled with the cutest little faces all waiting to tell Santa what they want for Christmas.
I know that it isn't just me who bites her tongue (most of the time) until it bleeds when well meaning relatives (mostly old aunts for some reason) tell us "Just relax - don't think about it...your cousin's mother's uncle's nieces twice removed sister went on vacation and got pregnant...she relaxed". *For those times I can't bite my tongue I reply..."ummm Aunt Millie...her husband didn't go on vacation with her - he was in jail remember? When they get Valium for the ovary problem I have and it will help - lemme know!"

I am not alone.

I could list every person I know and have encountered that share this *ugh stuck for a word that can express it...sigh - nothing* sadness and it would take me all night and day and then some to put them all here. But you know you have some of those people who you just feel like you have joined elbows with and are walking on and on. And when one of us get discouraged and weak, tired, angry, confused, broken...we know that we are being carried by the others in our chain of elbows. We know that someone is lifting us up in prayer, just thinking about us, calling or writing...something. We all wish that no one had to experience this with us - that we carried this burden alone - we all wish it. *Wish in one hand and poop in the other - see which one fills up first...my brother in law says all the time* But we are here. Some days are better than others, some things we can handle and some things are so heavy we can't take another step.

So many have inspired me and carried me when they didn't even know it.

It is 2:30 in the a.m. Pillow is soaked, Scott is snoring, I gotta pee (sure you wanted to know that). (Pillow is soaked with tears...not pee - I know Burt would have said something smart about that!) I go tomorrow for the second nerve block, this one did good for about 2 weeks and it was like someone flipped a switch on Monday or so...and I am back to walking like the hunchback and saying 'oy' way too much. Pain meds aren't touching it; physically I am back where I was. But that ray of hope that I can have days where I can think outside of the pain, where I can drive, where I can make love *sorry Misti, Cara and other family...I know you really didn't want to know that*...that has helped me emotionally and mentally more than anything.

I have to have a beta done before they will do it, the meds and the fluoroscope can be detrimental to a baby. I would endure whatever pain I had to for them to come back and say we can't do the block you are pregnant. Which I know will not happen - Aunt Flow...Aunt Millies sister is visiting ha ha.

This is a crazy post I know. I was watching the clock and when it is all one number like 11:11 or 2:22 or 1:11 I say an extra prayer. It was 1:11 am and I started praying for family and friends, for Amanda and the craziness she is being put through, for Rebekah to fill up that beautiful nursery, for Robyn to not go through this next IVF and still be in the ranks of 'married - no children'. I had so many I was praying for and I asked God to just let me be alone in infertility land, I could take it. Lord - I can do anything with You in my life. Yeah, I knew that was like asking for a money tree to sprout in my yard with enough seedlings to start my own forest...don't ask for that tree...I have asked many times and I just don't think it is happening.

I should be in bed - well I am in bed but I should be asleep. Well it is 3:15 I better turn this off. If you got down this far - it isn't that I don't want you here...as in my life...I just wish you weren't HERE..you know...here where our arms are empty.

Random picture post...

I got a new lens for my camera and have been playing a little with it. I saw the cat in the yard and sat on the poarch and thought I would zoom in a bit. Aww he is licking his lips...how cute...NOT



Not so sweet...he has a MOUSE...poor thing, gross...I even yelled gross!

That is when he looked up at me like I was stealing his prize...ick

This a picture at the lake, the trees and water was so pretty - it was so warm that day...

This was another picture that day...wished I was out on that boat. This girl LOVES to fish!

The rest of these were just some random pictures I took here and there. I love this tree in our yard, the leaves are always magnificent!

I was taking some pictures of dads flowers and spotted this honey bee. He raises bees so I am sure it was one of his. Just loved catching it and the bumble bee too.

This picture was taken at Kobe's in Hickory after eating dinner there for Chirsten's 8th birthday. Aunt Shirley, Lena, Scott, Me, Caleb, Chirsten, John and Amanda. I am so blessed that Scott chose to share his wonderful family with me.

Little this and that...

The block afforded me the ability to go to the beauty shop! I haven't been able to really sit in the chair and lean back in the chair to wash my hair...so I got my hair cut, put on some make up and enjoyed my scalp massage!

The beach was amazing. Rest and a little shopping can nearly cure what ails ya!

I tried out my new lens and took this shot of the moon...soo much fun!

• first and foremost - Jubilee blessed my soul, spirit, heart...whew, all that and everywhere in between! The music was amazing, songs that speak right to where I needed some healing. The preachers preached right to me! My cup runneth over! 4 words impacted me the most...In EVERYTHING give Thanks!! I was 'not so gently' reminded that He puts things in my life for a reason - good or bad. For every bad thing there are two (or more) good things and that one bad thing gets more powerful and I forget to be thankful.
  
• Time with my mom was a balm like none other. I don't always have extra money to spend on her, but watching her eyes light up is worth it all. Snuggling up with her, talking to her about silly stuff or her favorite - God stuff. Laughing so hard with her that tears flow and sometimes even snot (I am sure you wanted to know that). Watching her getting lost in thought while staring at God's ocean. Hearing her sing How great Thou art softly. As a teen thinking that my life would be so much more fun when I get out of the house and away from mom...and now as a grown woman grasping for every minute to spend with her. Sitting with her in church, watching her eyes well up with tears and seeing them splash down her cheeks. Some people when God moves them praise the Lord, they raise their hands, stand up...my mother sobs, she cries like a baby...can't control it kind of cry - and that is me too!

• Time with my Aunt Louise and her daughter Lori and granddaughter Courtney was wonderful too. We are so much alike. We laugh with our whole bodies! Sometimes not even knowing what we are laughing at - but still cackling. Courtney and I are a lot alike too I think, she is silly and loves to make people smile and loves the Lord with all our hearts. She is a homebody too, she would rather be with family than anyone else in the world. We pulled pranks on each other and everyone else...including Scott haha. I really want to start spending more time with her.
  
Mom and Courtney...she is so sweet...well, they both are!



Courtney and me.




• The weather was divine...never below 70 and always sunny skies. The pools were warm and we swam outside and inside even at night. The dolphins were playing, kids running on the beach...so wonderful. The hotel was the best hotel ever. We had a 3 bedroom condo and it was perfect. The staff and food was great, and my only complaint was parking and all the golfers. Though mom made them fun too...we would get on the elevator with a group of them and the elevator would say..."This elevator is going down". My mom would giggle and say we might be going down now but one day soon Jesus is gonna be taking us up! I just don't know if those golfers knew what to say. She left gospel tracts everywhere.


• But the best was time with the Huggins. Colin and Jack Henry are dolls, Colin has grown up so much. He has such a great big vocabulary and he almost always uses full sentences. He would say I want to see the dragon, mommy or Guess what I want for Christmas Hopie. Ask him if he liked something and he would say Yes I do mommy....so cute. Him and Scott played a lot...they were so funny together. But hugging Leslie and Burt, spending time with them...having dinner, laughing and catching up was more than amazing. We couldn't get enough of them...they took us to the Mellow Mushroom for pizza - AHH best ever! Colin is in LOVE with Scooby Doo and he kept saying he wanted the doughnut Scooby Doo...I was like what?? FINALLY Leslie told me he wanted the grown up Scooby Doo movie. Burt couldn't find it so Scott went through the movies at Wal-Mart and found it - you should have seen his eyes. Ooo we love them so much.

This is Jack Henry...look at those eyes. He is such a good baby, Colin is so cute with him too!

Colin and I shared extreme air heads...super sour! We had fun. Oooo look at them eyes! I could just eat him up!
Leslie and Jack Henry...he looks so much like her. Gosh it was so good to just hang out!
Colin and Daddy Burt...he is such a good daddy but don't tell him I said so...as you can tell his head is big enough HAHA!

The best/worst part of the trip...goodbye hugs and lovin'. Scott just can't stop talking about Colin and how he has grown and how smart he is. Scott said his favorite cartoons as a child was Scooby Doo too! We love them all so much, Scott and I had our share of tears heading back to the hotel that night. Hating that we miss a lot with the boys. Praying for a child soon so they can sorta all grow up together. I learn so much from Leslie and Burt, they are such great parents and they have so many of the same styles and such we would love to use with our own children.

Scott and I got to spend some wonderful time together *wink*. We laid down in bed about 9 one night and fell asleep just snuggling and slept until 11 the next morning.

I really was wonderful, leaving was the worst part...I miss it all. But I came home with a smile, feeling more like me than I had in a LONG time. The block is wearing off but knowing there can be times without debilitating pain has renewed a lot in my heart.

******************************
Ok...just got back from the doctor and he walked in, looked at his chart, looked back up at me then said Hope?? What's up with you?? You have had a hair cut, got make up on and wearing something other than sweats - AND you are smiling! I just laughed and told him how I felt better with the nerve block and that just knowing that there is something that will give me relief even if just for a short time has changed my whole aspect. I told him that the new doctor laid it out, didn't sugar coat anything...just said it how it is! He told me that the nerve was damaged, that there was scar tissue and inflammation and this was going to be something I deal with for the rest of my life. I guess that should have been upsetting...but I found relief in having something definite said to me. The false hope of well, maybe it will get better in a year, ... blah blah blah...that was so hard because every day I woke up saying ok Lord, is this the day?

The block has worn off pretty much but even that little bit of relief was enough to change - well let me be me again. I think it is next week I go for the next one. I never thought I would be excited to get stuck with a huuuge needle.

Just an aside...HUMMUS IS DELISH! I had never tasted it, and while at the beach we went to the Mellow Mushroom for pizza and tasted it and wowza! We loved their pizza too, we ate lunch there on the way home and though Scott said he would NEVER eat hummus again, I made him taste it and he ate more than I did - HE LOVED IT! So today we found a new place in Hickory Jason's Deli and it was the best salad bar EVER (I have capped a lot of words in the paragraph huh?). They also had red pepper hummus - slurp. Speaking of hummus, we stopped by Sam's and lo and behold they were sampling hummus! This cranberry hummus and the roasted red pepper...we bought both!

Ok gonna load up some pictures of the trip and post them for ya's. I really don't know what all I said in this post because I had to leave for the docs...will probably think of more later. This was really done the next day.

*************************************

Friday night we went with John and Lena to get some Christmas decos for the yard and some things for the kids for Christmas. Holidays are SO hard. Scott and I would have to visit the tile aisle to keep the tears from drowning us. (we were in Lowes - they have great decos) When we left in our car, I told Scott how I wished that along with Chirsten and Caleb - John and Lena were decorating for our children. They are such great grandparents and while I fear losing my own parents before my child knows them, I share that same fear about John and Lena. They are such a blessing to me, more than in - laws. I love them so much. I know that some don't have that blessing of a great set of in laws, I do. They treat me like one of their own. John is a big picker on-er. Him and I go at it 24/7 when we are together. I tell him he is my favorite father in law...haha he is my only.

This is Saturday and we had a great day. We woke up and went with John and Lena to Boone/Blowing rock and the shops on the parkway. It snowed some while we were there...so pretty. We found some great deals and I found a beautiful purse...red! I am usually a simple black or brown purse. My most favorite is my black Coach purse. But I saw this in the Bass outlet and had to have it. Tag said 84 bux...that is a bit for me right now and I just knew I wouldn't spend that on a purse while I wasn't working. Well, there was a sign that said 60% off...hmm that is getting better! I had a 5 dollar off coupon and also a 20% off coupon. The cashier let me use all three discounts and I got the purse for 27 bucks. I am so excited.

Bought the kids a few things, I could have lived in oshgosh. When we do have kids (notice I said when and not if) Scott is gonna have to keep the keys/credit cards/cash/bank cards/checks locked up somewhere... I LOVE shopping for my kiddos. Had a great time shopping for Colin and Jack Henry at the beach.

I am gonna hit send soon...it is 1:20 am on Sunday morning. I can't sleep so I thought I would finish this up.

Boo

Figured it was Halloween so I would Booo ya!

Someone said you know you are hooked when you think about blogging and other bloggers when you are no where near a computer! me=hooked!

The last month or so has been pretty intense. My pain level jumped after a cold I had. I guess all the coughing and sneezing strained my back and I just could barely function. I was ill, cranky and just down right anti-social!

I was supposed to be going to IL for a wedding and I kept trying to tell Scott the pain wasn't that bad - I could make it. Finally the Sunday before I was to leave he made me promise to call the doctor. I went and had another MRI and saw the doctor. He upped some of my medications and added oxy_con_tin. I am petrified of narcotics - addiction is in my family and I don't want that battle. But I was hurting so bad, I knew I needed something. My doctor referred me to another surgeon who also is over a pain clinic. I went to see him this past Friday and after 822 bux I walked out with a smile on my face...ok it was a drug induced smile, but I felt better than I had in at least a year!

The doctor said that the MRI showed the nerve was inflamed and irritated. He said with that and the scar tissue from the surgeries I will more than likely always have to have pain control. He and my primary doctor discussed the spinal stimulator and decided to try the nerve block first. They put me on a table and my butt was up in the air...attractive mental image I know :), shot me up with some meds and then put some medications - including a steroid into my back to block the pain from getting to my brain.

I read my post op papers when I got home and missed the part that I would feel better for the first few hours due to the numbing medications and anesthesia...but it takes 3-7 days for the steroids to start working. I felt so good that night. The next day was a family reunion and I over did it...sigh. I rested though the last two days and am feeling some better. Not Friday night better but still better than I felt before the block.

I am hoping that this will be the ticket. He said he will give me three and if they help, that is indicative that the stimulator will help as well and will be permanent. They don't like giving me steroids due to my diabetes.

I do think about the blogs I follow all the time. I plan on catching up and hope to leave some messages here and there.

Gotta update my blog theme too...thinking snow - ohh we got some on our mountains today!! How crazy is that!?!

Thanks

For all the encouragement. I detest getting in that frame of mind.

Dad visited the doctors today and they didn't see anything new, just he is being really slow at getting over the funk he had. He called me and we talked for about an hour yesterday - unlike him really, but he was at the VA hospital in Asheville and they were being extremely slow. We just chatted about random things, I asked him about going to Santee fishing maybe in a month or so and he seemed so disinterested. Besides all things God, fishing and golfing are his passions. I just don't know how to react to it. SIGH

Other than that, we started a strict budget for the Mr. and I. The effects of me not working have caught up with us financially and we have got to do something. So, I created an Excel spreadsheet budget thingy and already am amazed at how much we spend. We aren't changing too much this month just really watching where it is going and then November 1st, we will pass out from the lack of money in our bank account and where it went. YUCK!

Spending tomorrow with Lena...kinda strange, her and I have gotten so close. And as Kooo Kooooo as this may sound...I actually love being with my mother in law. Go ahead call me crazy!

Anyone else have trouble deciding what to watch with all the new things on TV? So much I wanted to keep up with but have no time to really watch them. I asked Scott when Hero's and Lost was coming back on and he said..."Um, Hun...already on!"

I am making the cutest afghans! One is for Caleb and it is a spiderman web looking one - super cute! I have to have a few going at once because I get bored working on the same thing over and over. I have made some hats and scarves for some kiddos in IL that I am going to see soon. Umm, I have found a super cute hat and poncho to make for Italy and Ida Hope.

When miss Rebekah gives me the colors she wants I am gonna start on her baby blanket...here it is - can use whatever colors you want - thought some lime-ish green would be pretty in there somewhere too!

hmm guess that is all.

Scott and Hope...

Sitting in a tree
K-I-S-S-I-N-G
First came love,
Second came marriage,
Then here comes Hope pushing...umm, well...nothing.

From the time of my first crush (Steve Penland a friend of my brothers...I was like 10 and he was like 25...but he was so cute!) Anyways - we all have had that said about us, we believed that is how it happens. I followed the rules dang it, where is my flipping baby carriage!?!

I have been trying, I have been praying. I want some peace until things are right to start our adoption journey. But then I have days like today or yesterday and I just feel my heart is broken and that every day it breaks a little more.

Friday we got Italy, we went to John and Lena's (our inlaws) and spent the night with her...and with the Chirsten and Caleb. Italy was fussy - first time being fussy with us. She is teething and had a little cold. But the no sleep and worry and her being high maintenance was worth it just to see her little smile the next morning when we woke up.

Saturday afternoon after the kids had left, I gave her a bath and was getting her ready to go home. John and Lena came into the bedroom and all four of us were hanging out with Italy passing her around basically. John was the biggest hit, she just laughed and cooed and flirted with him...it was precious. John loved it too. I sat back tears teetering feeling the crushing weight of the realization that this isn't our time really. This isn't PawPaw John entertaining his granddaughter. This wasn't my baby hanging out with her daddy and MawMaw. This wasn't a memory to write down in her baby book. She isn't mine. Ohh I would love for her to be, you should see her!

When we took her home, I cried all the way there. I tell Kita and Brad about her cold and what we did for her teething. Then watched as they carried her into the house. I want to see her all I can, but the pain of giving her up after a few days is so hard. I swear I heard her last night and started to ask Scott if he would check on her. Lena even said she thought she heard her twice. I got in bed and finally had my true meltdown. Held by the best husband ever made. He wrapped me up and soaked up all my tears and fears and told me he loved me and for a short period of time all was right with my world. You have probably realized that I am a drama queen to a point - I cry at commercials sometimes!!

My daddy isn't doing well. He has always been a rock. He is a smallish man, but he was a giant in my eyes growing up and even up until the last month or so he was invincible. He had pneumonia a few weeks ago and was in the hospital for a week. He thought he was feeling better and they let him come home. He has been so weak. This man who took care of two gardens, plowing, planting, picking...he did it all. I saw him on Sunday and was concerned. So I went and spent the night with them on Tuesday night - they LOVED that by the way :). I watched him when he walked and after every step he trembled. He held onto things when he walked. He stayed in bed most of the day.

Will he know my children? He told me he was tired and didn't know how much longer he could do this. I told him he still had a lot to do for our Lord and he has to teach me his pickling tricks. He smiled and then I said and you got to hang around to teach my children how to fish, tell them stories about Jesus, how to make things grow..so much. He didn't say a word, he didn't look at me. I just snuggled up with him and silently cried. He couldn't hear me crying anyways - he listens to the TV at maximum volume...and ALWAYS on Fox News!

I am blessed to have such great in laws, I get comfort knowing our children will have them...but my dad and mom...*GASP* I never dreamed when I was K-I-S-S-I-N-G in the tree that I wouldn't get to push the carriage. I always pictured my daddy out on the boat showing our child how to put the worm on the hook, or how to put the minnow on so it won't flip off and catch a big ole crappie. I want memories made of them coming in with a huge haul - or one skinny catfish. My daddy knows the Bible and teaches so well, I want him to teach our child things that will form his faith and make his love for God be stronger than any love in their lives. WHERE IS MY CARRIAGE!?!?

sorry for a blah post

Maybe this will turn it all around. My daddy walks in from being outside. He has coaxed these two baby chicks (they have lots of hens and roosters and they have babies - such a sweet sound baby chicks) he has coaxed them to eat out of his hand. Well now they are bigger and they jump on his lap to eat. He goes and gets fancy parrot food! Well, I was laying on the couch with Italy sleeping and all of a sudden I hear this gurgle gurgle and I look up and there stands my poppy with a chicken in his arms smiling from ear to ear. I busted out laughing at him and mom saw it and of course she shooed him out with it. He feels like crap and still tries to make those around him happy...best dad ever.

not much going on...

Hard to post regular when there isn't much going on. Had bronchitis, went to doc got meds almost over it. See B-O-R-I-N-G!

I feel like I am standing still. I am moody. Some family (and I use that term loosley) has forgotten what it means to love their kids without limits - especially when they are only 5! I can't talk about it, I just don't want to put it out there in the bloggerverse and one day he might see it or worse his dad and step mom sees it and I am sure it will make things worse.

I need a recharge or something. I have an exciting trip next month to a friends wedding. A friend I met on line actually. There are 11 of us that were TTC and we met and while there were a lot of women on that board, we all just clicked. I will be seeing at least 4 of them, maybe more! Kari and I will sing at the wedding, Jami is the Matron of Honor - it is all just a wonderful time to be had. I so NEED this!

Then almost as soon as I get home, Jubilee by The Sea will be happening! Talk about some recharging! Some of the best singers and preachers, missionaries gather at my old church in Myrtle Beach SC and if that all wasn't enough...the cherry on top of all of that...heck she is the whipped cream and chocolate too...I get to see Leslie and Burt and the boys! *whew got all teary eyed thinking about that*

November...another thanksgiving.
December...another Christmas and Scott's birthday.
January...another birthday for me.

Another year gone by. empty.

Snippet

I don't even know how to snippit this!

First, I didn't get Memphis last weekend. Due to some family things, we felt it was better to put all of our focus on Chirsten and Caleb.

They are going through so much right now. My brother in law and his wife and her son have made some decisions concerning the kids that have had reprecussions I don't think they expected. What started out to make some of us so angry has really turned into a blessing that some things are out and sadly for my brother in law it backfired from what he wanted/thought would happen.

But, Caleb and Chirsten will never forget all of this and shouldn't have to be going through it. They are two of the best behaved children I have ever been around, they are super loving and they never hesitate to do what it takes to make me smile. Pray for them, they need it so much. Pray for Amanda their mother, she is really a great mom and while we had our differences in the past...a lot of them were my own *you're having a baby and I'm not* kind of differences, she has matured and grown as a mother, woman, friend, and child of God.

Chris needs your prayers as well, he is close to losing his son's love. Chris has always had so much love from his family and he loved family time together. He has changed so much in the past year, I wish I could say for the good. They are out of church (I don't think church has ever been a part of her life). She is pregnant and the way it stands now that baby will never be a part of our lives.

Pray for John and Lena my in laws, they are having such a tough time. They love their grandchildren so much and would move heaven and earth to keep them safe. They are good Christian people who have tried to keep the kids in church and teach them right and wrong.

The kids have people praying for them so much, evil better watch out when you have God's children praying. Chirsten was just saved last year, and she loves to tell it!

Scott and I have both been sick all week with a fever, sore throat and coughing. I was the glorious recipient of a migraine mid week as well...thanks Dad! (I think I inherited them from him!) My dad was in the hospital with pneumonia for several days! He is home doing much better. My brother's house was broken into while he was out of town...he is obsessed with 100 dollar bills and had a roll of them in his bedroom. When him and his wife got home someone had taken the roll and a 1932 100 dollar bill that was in laminate. The detective got some prints - the theif(s) took the laminate off and left it on the floor. We went to the zoo with the kids on Saturday, got there and there were NO wheelchairs left (forgot it was labor day weekend) so I had to walk the entire zoo - C R A Z Y! I made it but took pain pills and slept for nearly 2 days straight. Still very sore but would have done anything to make those kids smile after the week they had.

hmm We had a birthday party for my mother on Friday night last week, was really fun. It was gonna be little but it grew and grew, which I am glad it did...she loves getting and giving love!

I will post pictures soon, have so many to choose from.

Please pray for Shannon too, she is so close to her wedding! Can't wait til she gets a box in the mail from me :)

Please pray for Kari, she is considering IVF and there are things that concern her.

Please pray for Christina and Carla, dear friends who are about to have their babies.

Please pray for Robyn - she is about to have her FET. She also has a praise, she had a scan and is 5 years cancer free! PRAISE THE LORD!

My friend Michelle lives in LA and is without power and such, she has a 1 year old!

ok this was longer than what I thought it would be...

Name Game

I have had so much going on in my life - and funny it isn't really anything to do with Scott or me really. Yet the concern and the pain of it is as real as if it were our own children going through it. I will post a snippet of it later.

Until then....

I am pooped so thought this would be a lazy day post :)

The Name Game
1.Your rock star name (first pet, current car): Rusty MG (couldn't make that up if I tried)

2.Your gangsta name (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite type of shoe): Black Cherry Clog

3.Your Native American name (favorite color, favorite animal): Purple Cat

4.Your soap opera name (middle name, city where you were born): Ellen Morganton

5.Your Star Wars name (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 of your first name): Hopil...hmm that could work

6.Superhero name (2nd favorite color, favorite drink): Green Tea (didn't fake this, I love lime green and love me some southern sweet tea!)

7.NASCAR name (the first names of your grandfathers): John Tom...not a great NASCAR Name...at least it isn't Dick Trickle :o

8.Dancer name (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy): Lucky 3 Muskateers

9.TV weather anchor name (your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter): Rhyne Rochester

10.Spy name (your favorite season/holiday, flower): Spring Daisy

11.Cartoon name:(favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now): Cherry PJs

12.Hippie name (what you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree): Frosted Flake Willow

13.Movie star name (first pet, first street where you lived): Rusty Jenkins

Your turn!

Haha

DMS'ing

*DMS...During Menstrual Syndrome


I have started to post several times. LET ME WARN YOU AHEAD OF TIME - I HAVE MY PERIOD...whoremoans are running wild through my system!

I can't get this girl out of my mind. I am calling the mother tomorrow to hopefully get her for the weekend.

*More common opinions given by others:
-You will get too attached and then she might leave.
-You don't know what kind of people they are.
-You don't want to get involved with this situation.
-Why not just call social services and let them take care of it.
-You have so much on your plate...are you sure you can handle this?
-She will break your heart.

I heard them, my head was spinning so fast after meeting her and hearing the things this little 4 year old girl had to say. From an hour after meeting her she was calling me mommy and the kids were her brothers and sisters.

After a while the mommy thing didn't startle me as much.
This little girl didn't know me, she didn't know the emotions I would feel having that coveted title replace my name.

I thought about what everyone had to say. Every morning I wake up and she is the first thing I think about. I wonder if she has breakfast, if she got to take a bath and put on pretty clothes. I may be obsessing but I don't think so.

My heart is open to her. I am not trying to be her mother. I am not trying to save her from this horrible family life...well, I guess sorta I am.

I just think that having the mind set that I would get attached, my heart will break is selfish. For me...not saying everyone would be, but for me...it would be selfish. What if God said...I can't send my Son to die for their sins because it will break My heart.

I don't think this will be a long term situation. This child has parents - granted one is in jail and the other ... well, I just don't feel right putting that out there. I feel she will be moving back to where her family lives. Even if I don't get to see her again - she has the memory of a great day with me and my family. Maybe she won't forget that.

So, despite some well meaning advice, I hope to get her Friday night through Sunday. I don't think she has ever been to church so I plan on taking her.

Pray for me - it will be hard.
My heart will probably break.
I know I will get attached.
I know that Scott will love her too.
I know the possibility of never seeing her again.

I know that someone loved me enough to take a chance.
I know that God has turned me every which way to show me this is the right thing to do.
I know that she will enjoy every thing she experiences with us.
I know that I want her to see the love of God through us.
I want her mom to know that I am not trying to take her child, just wanting to give her some love and nurturing she is not getting right now.
I know, without a shadow of doubt that God is wanting me to do this.

Pray for her and her baby sister and her older sister and the baby that the mother is carrying.

I am going to try to be more consistent in blogging. I have lost track since Italy has been in my life, she is with me quite a bit and when she is here...I can't take my eyes off of her. She is uber special to me.

I woke up this morning saw a news story about a local girl that was lost being found - I cried.
I watched part of a soap opera - I cried.
Stupid commercial came on - I cried.
My friend Leslie calls me and we hang up - I cried.
I went to her facebook page and saw the pictures of her, Burt and the boys - I cried.

Unfortunate for me, the last cry wasn't alone. Scott came in and thought someone had died or something. I couldn't even talk at that point. I miss them so much and I see what I am missing out on with the kids and they are growing up with out me. I miss my friend *GRRR CRYING AGAIN*. Scott hugged me asking me to tell him what was wrong - he was almost in tears thinking something horrible had happened. In that ugly crying voice I bellowed..."I HAVE MY PERIOD!" He had the kahunas to LAUGH at me. What was he thinking?

I had a long talk with my niece, I can't tell you how much it means that we are getting back to talking to each other and enjoying every minute. Yep...love her.

There are some things going on with Scott and I that has put our adoption plans off a little longer. When they kind of settle down I will tell more and we will hopefully get back on track. I called the social worker and told her I would call her next month to reschedule.

I have thought about the people I have met her a lot, I keep ya'll in my prayers and even if I am not here I am praying for you.

Thank you...and a request...

Thank you all for the encouragement - you are all the best!!

I will post more later...

I met this little girl...kind of random, my brother's van ran over her...she is more than ok in that aspect...Thank GOD the van straddled her and she got a bump and some hair on her head scraped off.

Last minute my brother asked me to take her swimming with the kids and I said yes - even though I was sure her mother...not knowing me from Eve probably wouldn't let her go. Without hesitating and with very little communication (a sentence at most) she sent me out the door with her 4 year old little girl. The mother is pregnant and has a 1 year old...she also has an older child but she is not with her.

I will post more about little Memphis when I feel more comfy about it. Just really pray for her and her mom and family. Pray for me .. that the Lord will give me answers and a clear path. My heart is breaking for her and I think I know what to do and then I don't.

This is her...the picture doesn't do her justice.

Bam

The weekend was a long one. We were coerced into staying Friday night as well with the in laws. Caleb and Chirsten were staying and all Caleb had to do was say...Uncle Scooooooter *smiles*

When the highs come they are so great, dulls the memory of the low times. Scott and I are so full when we have the kids with us, for the last month or so we have barely had a day without someone being with us.

Last night the low came - I guess a low, we sat alone in our car. No car seats. No singing. No laughing. No are we there yets. No fighting. Silence.

We had just left my moms and were about 10 minutes from home. I don't even remember what Scott said to trigger it but the flood came.

Nothing could stop it.

He apologized for saying something about our lack of children, expressing how sad it makes him as well and POW right in the kisser!

He said I am sorry for making you think about it.

Tears streaming, we passed a sign for the fair. We passed a huge tree. We passed an ice cream shop. We passed a car place that had old hot rods.

Everything triggers a thought. I won't be taking our child to the fair, won't be putting up a tire swing anytime soon in a big tree, no sharing a triple decker ice cream and no sharing Scott's love of old cars with our child. I truly believe it is coming - if I didn't I don't think I could function really.

False hope? This is one time where I think any hope is better than none.

I told him not to be sorry, I don't think there is an hour in the day that something doesn't remind me I am Hope, wife, sister, daughter, friend, aunt...not a mom. He talked about having Caleb and how he just hung on everything Scott had to say. He wanted to know how to play this video game and he sat up on Scott's lap and unlike most kids...watched and drank it in while Scott actually played the game and describing the how to's. UGH

The most random things open those thoughts up.

We sat in the car for about 20 minutes after getting home talking about it. He doesn't say how he feels about it much, but he let it all out last night. He cried, he talked about it and I realized he thinks about it as much as me...he is just a little more manly and doesn't let it get to him I guess.

The last thing he said is that he thought about how if we had a baby when we first started trying they would possible be graduated from high school. They would possibly go to the college he works at. They would be so proud to have him as a father.

What ifs suck!

What if we had a child when we started?
Would we have moved around so much?
Would we have been healthier?
Would I have had all my problems if I had a child that kept me active and healthy?
Would we have moved to Myrtle Beach? *the thought of never meeting Leslie makes me cringe!*

WHAT IF!?!?!

But, we are here.

We are madly in love, have crazy but great families, beautiful friends and have finally became thankful for the babies in our life. We can't get enough of them. We are seeking His will. We are just us, but praying for a bigger us. We are trusting in His plan. As painful as the waiting is, as heart wrenching it is to give back the kids, as hard as it is to sit in an empty house...we are trusting in Him. Even though we shed tears and cry out that we don't understand...we are at His feet feeling His hands on our head comforting us saying I love you, I have a plan, trust in Me.

What is your biggest trigger to make you remember the emptiness?

So much to say ... so little time

I have got multiple posts to post, just can't fit it all in today.

Still need to post about our trip to the orphanage my mother grew up in.
Need to post about Friday night at the Waldensian Festival in Valdese. If you know what beach music is, shagging (the dance not the act :p)...my brother got the Tams there to play...was AWESOME!
Need to post about some other things too...

BUT, I have pulled a muscle in my shoulder (assuming that is what it is) and it hurts like crazy. Been doing ice and heat and it is easing up some.

I will post a little about today since it is fresh in my mind and there are no pictures to add to it.

I had Italy today, aww. But, I really wasn't sure how I would do with this stupid (insert your favorite explicative here)shoulder! Misti came over and helped a lot, she fixed lunch and while Lily and I did a scrapbook she cared for Italy. At one point Misti had them both in her arms bouncing lightly on a big exercise ball and put them right to sleep.

Shortly after Misti got here it was all I could do to hold back one of those ugly, nose running, face exploding, loud...did I mention ugly cries. When she had Lily I had thought I would have been pregnant around that time too. I pictured her and I taking them on walks, changing diapers and feeding them...laughing when one of our children burped or tooted. But here we sat on separate couches changing diapers, her with her beautiful children and me with another child that isn't mine. I think the pain of not having a child is gone sometimes but maybe it really isn't.

Ok, just had that ugly cry.

SIGH

I can close my eyes and see me with Lily and Italy and Simon...God I will make a great mom I promise, let me prove it to you please....ugly cry continued.

The shoulder is why I haven't been on really and it is crazy how much I think about fellow bloggers and things I want to say when I can't get on really. Typing one handed has taken about an hour to type this much.

We are going to my mother in laws tomorrow for the night - canasta night with the ladies from her church.

love to you all

I am still alive...I think :)

What a weekend!



Sunday morning we got up, got dressed with all intentions of going to church...we got in the car about half way there and I realized the clock said 11:23 and we were still about 10 minutes away. So I decided that we would not go into the service and interrupt everything...so we all went back home and got out of our church clothes and put our picnic/swimming clothes on. We stopped at mom and dads and picked up Lisa, Corey and Shay and Cara and Brad along with their families created a caravan to the lake.

It was so fun listening to the conversations between the kids. Corey and Caleb had met before but it had been a long time ago. Chirsten and Shay just met and got along really well. Chirsten is 7 1/2 and Shay is 8.

They all were so much fun, wanting to know how many minutes til we get there, how much should they count...I immediately thought of that movie - are we there yet haha.

Scott was a champ. When we got there and finished our picnic lunch he got in the water and stayed there the whole time with the kids. He tossed and swam with them all. He was the diving board, the holder of goggles, the retriever of water balls, my eagle eye...he was awesome. He enjoyed them so much.

Brad and Caleb became quick friends, they were inseparable most of the time.

The babies were so cute, Ida slept most of the time but Italy did get her toes in the water. Illan was a little apprehensive but I think he finally decided he liked it. All of the kids listened to us, behaved so well...It really was a stress free outing.

We get home and the girls take a bath and we all make our own pizzas and made super chunky chocolate chip cookies. They had a blast.

Corey is such a sweet kid, he is super competitive...when playing the x-box if he was losing he wanted to change games haha. He has these amazing blue eyes and a wild imagination. He has an endless supply of energy too. He gave me hugs which I LOVED! I loved having time with him and hope to get to spend more time with him soon. I felt so sad for Little John though, he said I was the first family member to want to take Corey for the day and Corey is 5 now. I had to apologize to him for my distance as well, explaining how raw the feelings and emotions are when you can't have a child. It is amazing how the decision to adopt has started to heal those.

Shay is Little John's girlfriends daughter. She is 8 and a talker! At first she said she didn't want to spend the night with us, she had only met me once before. I told her she could make her mind up after we went swimming. While we were out in the water together she swam up to me and said...well, I have been thinking and I think I do want to spend the night with ya'll. *SMILES* She was a great kid, her and Chirsten helped me with the baby a lot. She is a cutie pie too!

Caleb, oh what to say about him. He is such a sweetie. He says the cutest things and has an infectious laugh. He came in to the bedroom the first night and said...You know, uncle Scooter isn't fat..he just has a big belly...haha. He slept between Scott and I and he would put his hand on my face so softly just touching it. Then he would sit up and lean against one of us and just drift off to sleep. He is so well behaved and played so good with all of the other kids. Every once in a while he would run to find me and hug me telling me he loved me and then once he said he wanted to make sure I was ok and that I knew he wanted to spend time with me too...just the kids were so much fun haha. He took up with Bradly right off too, I am glad. I could just eat him with a spoon!

Chirsten is that sweet little girl that wants to help do everything. She helped so much with Italy and helped keep the kiddos in line. She wanted to love on the cats so much and they just were not having much to do with it. She has such an imagination and is super smart. She is becoming independent, I miss those days when she needed help to do this or that. She loves Scott so much, she wanted to sleep with me so Caleb was sleeping with Scott. Well, when he got tired he wanted to snuggle with me...aww. Then Chirsten didn't want Scott to sleep alone so she slept in the big chair beside our bed so Scott could sleep with us. She has a super big heart. She loves her brother so much too, she is protective of him. Though Chirsten did buy slime...and it is on everything in my living room ... accidents happen! She was so scared she was going to be in bad trouble...but looking at her with that toothy grin, I couldn't be mad at her!

Italy was awesome as usual...gosh that baby is too precious!

Monday evening came and it was time to let the kids go home. Brad took Shay to her dad's and we had the rest in our car. He also took Italy home which made me sad of course, but I had to hold it together for the rest of the kids! We took Corey to his dad and Little John and Tamara were both so sweet and thankful for spending time with their kids.

Then we headed to take Chirsten and Caleb home :(. We get half way there and Caleb had to pee...and when he has to pee you better stop cuz you got about 2 minutes before there is trouble! Scott pulled over on interstate and let him pee...was funny. I made a little video of them as we were going home. They are so cute...



Then we went to John's work to let the kids give him so loving...plus we had him some apple cobbler. I told them to hide in the back seat (third row) and we would have PawPaw John open up the back telling him that what we brought him was in the back. Chirsten said..."We might give him a heart attack!" I told her nooo, he would love it. She then said..."But he is old-old!" HAHA I took that video too...



Caleb was crying when we took him home, he said he wanted to go back home with us but his daddy wanted to spend the day with them today so they couldn't. I think he wanted to go to his pawpaws too. It broke our hearts to leave him, but we knew we had to. Scott and I got in the car and both of us broke down, hugged and cried how much we loved them and that we want to spend more time with them. We wish they were ours...they are such great kids.

Today I slept until 10, woke up and ate breakfast took my meds then fell asleep in the chair! I got back in bed and slept until 5:30!!! I had a lot of pain but I would do it over and over to spend time with all of them. It was hard to come home and the silence was deafening. I loved the sound of running, yelling and playing floating through our house. It felt right, it felt normal...it felt wonderful.

I am tired, sore, broke (who knew 5 kids would cost so much!), have a messy house, empty frig, finger prints on everything, cheerios EVERYWHERE, pair of kids shorts, one kid sock and a bottle.

I am all of that and more...but I would do it all over again, anytime. It was an amazing time.

Thanks for your prayers...I know you prayed for me, I made it through it all!! WOO HOO!

Here are pictures to the lake...enjoy! I decided to post them to another blog so if you don't want to see pictures you don't have to see them :)

Say a lil prayer for me...

Ok, if you guys don't hear from me by Tuesday morning...you might wanna send a search party, or you can call the local mental Hospital - Broughton in Morganton - I will be there.

Why? So glad you asked.

Well, for the last two weeks I have been trying to plan a weekend with Chirsten and Caleb before school gets started. I also wanted to have a play date with Chirsten and Lily. Things went this way and that and finally we all had some firm plans.

Today after taking mom to the orphanage she grew up in, we came home and headed to get the munchkins. I called and Chirsten answered. She asked with much anxiety...Hopie...when are you comin to get me!? *heart melted*

I told her I was on my way.

*insert first witty comment from her* I am so glad you are coming soon, pawpaw has been grumpy all day and has been a butthead! We did have a lil talk about saying butthead on the way home.

So we get there and after a little snafu with the booster seats we finally got on the way home about 8. We went to Wal-Mart to get some foods and a 'toy'.

Chirsten and I were walking and she looked up at me and said...My uvula is itching! And she proceeded to cough....pointing at her throat! When did six year olds start knowing where their uvulas were???

We bought fruit and fruit and oh fruit! They both chose reasonable toys and we head home. Scott tooted in the car and they called him tooter scooter all the way home :)

Soon as they get here it is 999 miles an hour after the cats - who wanted nothing to do with them at first...but they are coming around.

So you maybe wondering why I am concerned for my mental and physical situation this weekend. These two kids are fun and sweet...no big deal. Anyone can handle two kids.

This is where it gets a little crazy.

I called my nephew Little John (not so little...30 years old) and asked if we could have Corey on Sunday until Monday. And then we asked if we could have his girlfriends little girl too since Chirsten and her are about the same age. Ok...4 kids...twice the fun ... it will be ok huh. Umm well, Sunday night I also get Italy for the night.

EEEK Yeah...going from barely babysitting one child to having 5 at one time??? What was I thinking???

Thinking, I wish had been doing this all the time and not letting my heart hurt.

So in the morning we are getting up and going to church. Then afterwards we are going to get come picnic fixings and head for the lake with Lisa, Cara, Randall, Illan, Ida Hope, Brad, Marquita, Italy, Little John, Tamara, Corey, Tarmara's daughter, Scott, Me, Chirsten and Caleb....hmm I am glad I typed that out...I dont' think one bucket of chicken is gonna get it!!

After the lake those that are going to be with us are coming back here and chilling out. Then we are making pizzas...I am rolling out the dough and having bowls of fixins and letting them do their own. Then the boys are going to play x-box and hang out in the den while the girls and I are going to do a makeup/hair thing and be princesses for the night. I think we might do a facial mask thing too. One of my favorite memories with Misti was putting on one of those masks and talking and laughing laying on the bed under the ceiling fan. We fell asleep and the mask like super dried to our skins...was so funny. So we will try that without the drying under the fan.

Monday after Scott goes to work - me and the five kids are going to the park for a little play time then to my moms. When we get there I bought some water balloons...ok 100 balloons! We are going to have a water balloon fight. I also bought a slip and slide...one of the double ones...so they will get to play with that too.

Then Monday evening, Misti and Lily, Simon and Brady are coming over and Lily and Chirsten and I are going to do a scrapbook for Misti and for my mom too.

Then at some point we will be taking the kiddos home, returning Italy to Brad and Marquita and come back to our empty home.

sigh

I finished Simon's blanket...will take a picture of it...turned out super cute.

I want to keep them all.

Scott just came in here with red eyes, Caleb wants to sleep with him. I was so sure that he would want to sleep with me and Chirsten. I am glad though he wants his uncle Scooter. While at Wal-Mart Scott and I held hands watching them sort through the toys. He whispered - this is what it will be like when we have our kids. I have never heard him say anything more than one but a couple times. It worried me that he may only want one. We talked about when we adopt our first child we want to go almost immediately through the process again for a second child.

*watching Meet the Robinsons. It got to the part where the peanut butter and jelly went all over the prospective parents. They left and on the way out they said "he is not the kind of child we want." Scott pouted his lip and said that is the kind of kid I want. 1. He LOVES PB and J. 2. He loves anything science. 3. He gets to ride in a space ship and Scott loves all things space as well.

If you have never seen this movie...watch it, even though it is a cartoon it does evoke lots of feelings and emotions.

Ok, got to go to bed...I don't know if we will sleep for the next two days!

I will post pics and details about the visit to the orphanage and the reunion of fellow homeless children.

Have a blessed weekend....pray for me! *smiles*

Wednesday?? where did Monday go???

Sheeesh.


I am feeling a lot better today. I umm...*blush* think the exacerbation of my back pain was due to umm... severe constipation! I am an every day kinda girl and it was almost 8 days...so yeah, that would make anyone's back hurt.


My mother spent many years in an orphanage. The alumni get together once a year and they are having this 'reunion' this weekend. She is excited to show me where she spent a good part of her childhood, her and her brothers. She wants me to see the friends she had there and a few she still is in contact with.


I also have a play date planned with little miss Lily :) We are going to scrap book the pictures we took at the babybonanza. I have been gathering some stickers and paper and such so she should have fun. I hope to get some finger paints to maybe do a hand print or two for her mommy and grandmommys. I plan on getting Chirsten and Caleb too, they are more crafty than me sometimes...and I am not kidding. Chirsten can knit and she has been for about a year or so. She isn't super fast but she can cast on and do a scarf - knitting all of the stitches. She has tiny hands - she is only 6.


I need to call Brad because starting Monday I am supposed to be babysitting Italy YAY! I haven't seen her all week and am having withdrawels...haha.

I am really jonesing for some Huggins time too...can't help but get all teary eyed just thinking about how much I miss them...how could I not!? Look at them...

They took me to prison!

Ok, I am out now...and I wasn't 'in' jail really - just visiting.

I know I have told ya'll that my dad and mom have a service there monthly and my dad goes weekly for a Bible study. Well, my dad has been bugging me constantly to go sing and today I did.

I sung But the blood says you can...and of course Child of God.

You may have wandered
From the path you were on
Found yourself lonely and lost
A long way from home
The guilt deep inside says
That you've gone too far this time
That you can't be forgiven
And there's no need to try - but

(chorus)
The blood says you can
Put the past on behind
Your sin will be covered
And your pardon signed
Satan tells you it's hopeless
And that you can't go back home again
But the Father is waiting with arms open wide
The blood says you can

We've all made our choices
That became our mistakes
And stood in the ashes, the bridges we've burned
The pain and heartaches
But the blood of Jesus
Does what nothing else can do
There's a place called forgiveness
And there's room there for you - 'cause

(repeat chorus)

(bridge)
When you're reminded of mistakes that you've made
Just remember the price has been paid - and

It was strange, I only practiced Child of God 'cause that is what daddy wanted me to sing. But I actually dreamed about this song last night. I woke up to find the CD and it wasn't in my box. I went to feed the fish and there it was laying on the couch!

There were tears and raised hands. I have never been a part of a prison ministry but it really touched my heart. There were probably 30 there. It is the part of the prison that is minimum security, so people are just walking around. As they came in they hugged my dad and mom and told them how much they are a blessing to them...it was so awesome to see how they respond to my sweet parents.

I almost cried through the whole service...mostly because something has happened in my back and I can't sit or stand without intense pain...grr. I am calling the doctor tomorrow. This just started Thursday morning.

I also cried because dad gave his testimony of when he was saved...it always makes me cry.

I know the men there have done something to get them there. But I can't think of a better time to give them the plan of Salvation - they are alone, they have minimal contact with family and some none at all. My parents give them Bibles...not little New Testemants or a tiny Bible...they give them a full size big lettered Bible! I know they have given out at least a hundred...and they live on social security! I don't know how they do it...wait, YES I do...God!

I really am miserable so I am going to go lay down. My mind keeps screaming at me that this isn't good...who would give you a baby!?! HE HAS A PLAN HOPE...*SMACK*...yes, He has a plan.

He is my strong tower

I heard a story today...one I have probably heard before. But my heart and soul was accepting to hear it this time.

A father and a daughter was walking along on a beautiful day, side by side. Suddenly the little girl falls and scrapes her knee. The father scooped her up and kissed her and took her home. He put ointment on the scrapes and comfort her to make things better. The little girl hugged her daddy and thanked him.

I was walking along...alone I thought. I fell and my uterus got all scraped up. I thought I was all alone so I didn't let anyone pick me up and make me all better. I cried out to my God - why did you let this happen to me, why would you allow bad things to happen to good people? I didn't wait for an answer, I let Him take care of me in almost every other road in life...but infertility was a road I thought I was allowed to walk down alone.

For almost 18 years I felt I was alone there, asking him over and over WHY? I didn't sit still long enough to let him answer.

The answer has came over the last few weeks.

My child, it isn't that I allow things to happen to you. Just like the little girl with her daddy, he didn't allow her to scrape her knees. He never promised her bad things wouldn't happen, he just promised his unconditional love; that he would be there to scoop her up and heal her wounds. That is My promise to you, to pick you up and hold you while you cry and heal you according to My plan.

I have finally let Him pick me up and answer my questions why. I believe we have a child out there, maybe not even conceived yet. He has shown me how much love we can give to our family's babies, shown us that our doubts of being able to handle some things were unfounded. I allowed him to open my heart to other things as well, but the biggest of these has been adoption.

When I am reading about success stories, or stories in progress...I feel Him.
When I am looking through the agencies paperwork...I feel Him.
When I make lists of things we have to do to prepare...I feel Him.

I don't know why it took so long for me to realize the bad things aren't His fault, even when we are right beside Him we can fall. His promise comes in the outstretched arms that wrap around us and hold us tight.

When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee. Isaiah 43:2

One day closer

I have recovered from the baby extravaganza! Then wicked aunt flow visited again! I don't know what that is all about...it is almost gone today so that is nice.

I got some info from 2 of the agencies we are looking at. I called social services to talk to a social worker about a home study and what all I needed to do, the cost and such. We are excited to think that every day is one day closer.

We do need to do some things to this house before the home study. Also I told her a little about my health issues and she said information from my doctor may be required.

I hate putting it off for any amount of time, but it looks like September...the first week before we can really have everything in order. Really that isn't that far down the road, now that I think about that...eeek I hope we can be done by then!! :o

I keep hearing that song "freak out" in my head...haha

Today I spent it with my parents...I love them! Cara brought Ida Hope by and I got to feed and hold her. She is so pretty, I feel so much love for her and Illan too. Cara has turned out to be a good little mommy.

Well, I am zonked and am going to bed a little early. Speaking of early...do ya think it is freakishly early for us to be considering furniture for a nursery??? SIGH

Always a bridesmaid...

Wait...I did the bride thing!

I meant always an Aunt...never a mommy...sigh

This weekend was full of highs and lows. Misti and I had a play date planned, well, a meet and greet date kinda. Mom found out and wanted to cook us all breakfast and have all the great grands there.

I was so excited, I woke up early Friday morning so I could go get Italy...but I got up and as soon as my feet hit the floor I feel heavy and dizzy. I thought I just got up too fast and when I got in the shower, it was all I could do not to lose the previous nights dinner. I got out...had to lay down. There was no way I was gonna miss this.

I wanted to see Simon and I just wanted to have some family time.

I got up and got ready, Scott said I looked like a ghost..which you can tell in the pictures..SIGH. We got going down the road and I felt it, I grabbed a walmart bag that was in the back seat and nearly filled it. I started feeling ok until Scott said...your bag is leaking! UGH...I fortunately found another bag and rode the rest of the way to get Italy and then to mom's covered in vomit. NASTY. I washed up and mom gave me a different shirt and for the most part I felt better. I don't think it was a bug...I think it was something to do with my meds.

It was all overwhelming. I walk in and Mom has Simon, Lily is with Misti and Scott brings in Italy. I go get cleaned up and there comes Cara with Ida Hope and Illan. I didn't know which baby to pick up first. At first it was so overwhelming I couldn't think...I just enjoyed. At one point I had two babies in my arms, no at 2 points haha. Italy pretty much slept through it all, poor Ida Hope had a sore stomach and Simon just took it all in...such a good baby.

Mom wasn't feeling too good so she went to lay down for a while and we all crashed her bedroom and took pictures of her with the kids. She enjoyed it so much. Illan and Lily stole the show though, every time Illan would walk into the kitchen Lily would laugh so hard and look back telling us "he did it again"...it wasn't funny but her laughing was what was sooooo funny. She laughs with her whole body.

Then when Illan would walk away from her she would tell him "No, No, No, No"...we thought he was doing something then Misti went to check and she said "come back" haha. Slowly people start to leave and it is Misti, Lily, Simon and Scott, Italy and me. Dad left to take mom to work. Lily and I were playing around a bit, she actually gave me some lovin :)

It was when things got quieter, when Misti went into the kitchen with Lily...I was holding Simon and Scott had Italy...our eyes locked on each other and both of us failed miserably at holding back the tears. This all feels so natural.

My arms are full, but empty of my own child. It drives home that I am meant to be a mommy. I just thought it was supposed to be done a certain way - God had different plans.

It was hard to say goodbye to all the excitement. We went home and had our night with Italy. I don't sleep much when she is here, not necessarily because she is awake...but I watch her, rub her face and talk to her, kiss her little fingers and toes. Friday night she slept in her boppy thingy, but Saturday I just had to have her in bed with us. She slept cradled in my arms all night. She woke up to eat and to have her diaper changed and then went right back to sleep...in my arms.

Saturday I had promised Chirsten to bring Italy by. We get there and boy Chirsten and Caleb have a fit over her, they held her and fed her and talked to her...it was so sweet. Their daddy and his wife are expecting a baby and they both will be such great siblings. Jennifer actually came by and at one point the baby started crying and Jenny got her and she calmed right down. We are hoping she has a girl too.

Sunday came and Brad called wanting to come get her. I had just taken my shower and gave her a bath...I was rubbing her down with baby oil and brushing her hair when he called. It was like someone woke me up, I actually sat up and felt this lump in my throat and had to catch my breath. I know this isn't my child, I know she has wonderful parents...but for some reason Sunday morning I kind of forgot I guess.

Brad came and we had packed all her stuff together. She had ran out of diapers but I had kept 3 last time so I was safe. Scott was threatening to use a maxi pad and duct tape...SILLY SILLY MAN!

I heard Brad come in and I had put her in her carseat already, she fell asleep. I carried her into the den and Brad started loading her stuff into his car. I held her up to me while he was doing that and my heart was breaking. I can almost imagine the pain in the stories on TV about how hard it is to experience an adoption gone wrong.

Brad came in to get her and I tried not to cry, but I did. I know she isn't mine. I would never step over that line but am I getting too attached...is that possible? I love her so much and would give anything for her to be mine, but I know that won't happen...she has great parents. I am the aunt dang it. After she left I had almost 2 hours of tears and thought I would take a nap...it was about 2:30. Umm, I woke up practically this morning! When I did wake up I told Scott we were out of diapers.

I think baby sitting her will be easier and I really look forward to that. Seeing the look in Brad's eyes when he saw her after the weekend was so sweet. She has so much love for her from so many people.

All of this just reaffirmed our decision for adoption. I think maybe God gave us this time with Italy to show us we will be good parents, that it will all come naturally. There always has been that fear that maybe there is a reason God hasn't given us a child and that it might be that we would suck as parents. Now I know better...I know Scott will be so attentive, I can handle fussiness and feeding and all that baby stuff.

We are waiting for packets of info from 3 different agencies. I am excited. I am nervous. I am anxious. We are looking at baby room furniture and accessories.

Going through the pictures we took on Friday and over the weekend was soothing in a way. One of my favorite pictures is me holding Simon, he is laying on my chest asleep. He is precious.

I know I just did a picture post, but I can't help but post some of Friday and Saturday...I won't post them all...maybe :)