A friend posted about this verse recently. Jealousy is something I can usually push down and 'pray' it away. Possessions, money, great jobs even good health is something I am rarely envious about. I would love to have some - ok all of those things but not to the point of being jealous.
Children...that on the other hand is the one time that green monster is bigger than me. I try to just ignore it but it seems that is when it gets stronger. I have to face it head on and pray and deal with it or it will grab hold and not let go. There are those that get pregnant around me that I am genuinely happy for. Especially those that have shared infertility with me. But there are times I hear about someone being pregnant and my heart pounds and my eyes swell with tears - and I do cry out to God WHY!? Why not me, why not Scott...why not Kari or Jill...or any on my blog roll or my circle of friends that are wanting a child.
I belong to a fertility message board, I used to be there daily and all over the boards. I found a group of friends there that have forever changed my life. For over a year that site was my source of knowledge on things infertility. It was a community of women trying anything and everything to have their dream. Lately though it has been tough going there - some are pregnant with number 3. Few...very few are still childless and the signatures with babies and toddlers decorate every page. It is hard to go there and read anymore, not really because of jealousy but it is more like a mommy board now than the wannabe a mommy board. Maybe I will feel different when it is my turn.
This verse really encourages me to do better in this area...who wants rotting bones!?!
I hope everyone has a GREAT Memorial day weekend. We are going to a pig pickin on Sunday with my family. I posted pics last year, it was so much fun...and boy am I in the need for some fun.
::Sending Love:: Your words resonate deep within me. I have only come out of my slump in the last month. There is NOTHING easy about what we've gone through.
ReplyDeleteI've gone through every emotion from rage to heartache and as the years progressed it was harder and harder to rejoice with those rejoicing, when it came to pregnancy. When my best friend told me she was pregnant for the second time, last year, I couldn't help but weep (she joined in). I hear you about the message boards too...once women get pregnant it's like they completely forget about what the journey was like. Hang in there. I feel your pain.
oh, and what the heck is a "pig pickin"?
I think it's totally normal for us to feel some jealousy during this painful journey. Especially since when we finally decide to start trying to have a baby and realize
ReplyDelete(2 yrs down the road) that it's going to be harder than we thought, everyone around us (so it seems) gets pregnant just by thinking about it. :)
It's always good to keep those feelings in check though, so thank you for reminding us of what the Word says about it. Rotting bones...yuck! Gives us a pretty good visual, doesn't it?
I love your honesty girl...
Hey Hope...what's pig pickin?? :)
My husband and I had this conversation today. It took us five ears to have a child. I know that I am blessed but I still want just one more. Anyway, I was out today and saw this woman smack her child because she moved the cart 4 feet. 4 feet! I was enraged and launched into my "why would God let her have children but not give me another one" routine. Every time that I do that I know that it is a sin, that it not my place to question God's motives. I just seem to handle envy so well, except in this area.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the scripture verse, I suppose that I will need to commit that one to memory.
(Nacom commenter) I totally understand what you're saying. I have seen the green eyed monster quite a few times recently. It's not that I'm not happy for them, but hearing their joys make my heart ache because I want it to happen to me. I like the verse about the rotting bones.
ReplyDeleteIt's bunches of high quality pork bbq (the pig part) old bluegrass and gospel music (the picking part) and lots of people and desserts (my favorite).
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