Monday, May 12, 2008

Mother's not all bad :)

Mother's day was one of the easiest in a long time. I think I went into it with a different frame of mind and heart. Although, the Mother's day service was rocky from start to finish. We get there a couple minutes late, kinda on purpose...knowing the flowers were handed out before the service stars. And it isn't one of those "mothers stand up" kinda things, the children of the church walk down the aisles handing ladies their rose. So hard to shake my head no to a child not understanding why tears are in my eyes.

The choir had started singing already, so I spied my moms purse and we sat down beside her seat. Other family was at church too, there were quite a few church members there as well. Music was over, announcements far so good.

Then they did the gifts for the oldest, youngest and most children in attendance. Not so bad, still holding it together pretty good! The pastor stands up and started his sermon - preaching on Hannah and Samuel. About how she prayed for God to send her a son and how God had. Tears formed but nothing toooo overwhelming. I glossed over some of the sermon in my mind, just wanting to get through the service without running...ok not running in my shape - hobbling out the door.

I let my defenses down, all things sane left my brain and anger and hurt took control. The last 10 minutes of the sermon I was tearing apart every thing he said -
There is nothing like the prayers of a mother. Insane self: so are you saying my prayers don't mean as much??
Becoming a mother is a precious gift from God. Insane self: I guess I am not worthy of this gift huh??
Babies crying or talking in the service. Insane self: this is not where I need to be, can they not do something with them??
We gave out roses to the mothers before the service, we have some left so we will let the mother's enjoy their rose during church and the 'others' can have one as they walk out. Insane self: *maybe not so insane...this was inconsiderate!* I am walking out during the last prayer.
I didn't make it out during that last prayer, distracted by the pain in my back. So as the pastor has the door blocked, I made my way in line hoping to just get out the door. I get up there and not only does he try to get me a rose, he YELLS over through the line for his grandson to bring me a rose "Bring Hope a rose, She can have one too.." "For who?" his grandson asks. "HOPE, you know Ruby's daughter." UGH
Here Hope, take a rose, you can have one too. Insane self: No thanks, give it to another mother.
Noo, here Hope you really can have one...we have some left over it is ok. It was all I could do not to say something really curt and rude, but I just turned to walk out and he shoved a rose in Scott's hand. Scott was taken aback by it all and just carried the rose with him as I basically ran/hobbled to the car. He gets in and tells me he loves me and is so sorry. My father had went home sick, so my mom got in our car to ride with us home. She didn't know what to say either. Awkward silence til we got to the house. Fortunately, it was only about 3 minutes away.

Mom cooked dinner for the family and didn't invite people just cooked in case her children and grandchildren came to tell her Happy Mother's day. I was more than ok at this point, I walked in and saw my dad laying down with a migraine and my heart breaks that he isn't feeling well.

I opened the Sunday paper as mom got food ready. I knew I had sent a Mother's day message in for her, so I wanted to find it to show her. I figured it would be ohh like a 2x2 pic and the message in black and white....ohhh was at least 5x5 and in color! It was really pretty, I shoulda took a pic of it. It made her cry and my sil too. She actually liked the picture I chose, usually she doesn't like her pictures.

Mom cooked a huge pot of spaghetti and a salad and some potato salad. Little John and his girlfriend came, along with his son and his sons friend and her daughter. It was nice to have kids in the house. Mom didn't think to get rolls so she had several packs of hotdog buns so she buttered them and toasted them in the oven...just as good as any roll!

Tommy and Teresa came along with Todd and Lisa. Tried my best to get a hold of Johnny with no luck. Mom loves having her family around.

Brad called to tell his Maw Maw happy mother's day, her best friend :)

So, overall my day was good. I fell off the wagon during church but not toooo badly. My mother in law was sick so we didn't get to see her, hopefully tomorrow. Scott woke me up...retract that...2 busy kittens woke me up! Scott always handles things with kid gloves on 'the day that can't be named'. He doesn't try to talk me into things, but was genuinely surprised I wanted to go to church.

I just pray so hard that this day isn't a source of pain for the rest of my life. I either want a child or peace...the child is my preferred relief for that pain.

I said prayers for all the women that are in my shoes, I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. I hope all of you had a good day, as tolerable as possible.


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  2. I enjoyed your conversation with "insane self." we've definately been there! Mothers days was always the hardest for us (so sorry about your "rose debacle."...that's horrible!) Just seemed like year after year everyone celebrated but us.

    This year marked our first real mother's day with the addition of Josiah (born 2.13.08 and adopted through Bethany).

    We enjoy reading the blog! We know exactly how you feel, so know that there is hope (even when it doesn't feel like it.)

    Praying for your family to grow by two feet! [grin]