Thursday, May 01, 2008

Day full of tears....some great tears though!

I was sent to watch a video, warned explicitly before hand that I would need some tissues. I didn't watch the video at first, I started reading the blog associated with it from the beginning and was drawn in for so many reasons.

This tiny 3 pound baby, such a small vessel to be used by God to bring hope and renewed faith and trust to all those who have the pleasure of glimpsing into her life and those who loved her most.

This journey started this morning, I woke up wondering why and how and all those questions I ask and have asked since stepping foot in this valley. I had a dream last night (no not about an alligator) and it was a dream that is hard to shake when you first wake up. I was angry at the doctors because they weren't fixing my back. I was angry at my brother for having a stone (kidney or gall I can't recall) and it was my doctor who was taking care of him instead of me. I was angry that we both were in a hospital bed and all he would do for me is give me pain pills but was taking all stops out to fix my brother. I yelled at the doctor telling him that I can't have this baby until he fixes my back. He kept telling me to give him time, I said I do not have any more time, I am 18 years pregnant ( I know..crazy) and that if he doesn't fix my back so I can birth this baby that I might lose him and I won't ever get another chance. I woke up and reached for the phone, I was calling the doctor to tell him I am so angry. I looked at the phone and almost laughed at myself, what if I had called him haha.

But, in reality I can't pursue pregnancy until my back - and other health issues are under control. So the frustration from the dream persisted through the morning.

I read a devotion today about where does my help come from? I know that there are times I don't look to God. I look to a doctor, a friend, a book, something on TV sometimes and I know that there are times when that is where God is pointing me, but sometimes that is where I want Him to point me. I need to call on Him first and foremost - ALL the time. My faith and trust in him has been less than perfect - far less that perfect. I have to trust that HE does have a plan, and it isn't a plan B! He knows what is stumbling around in my mind before it hits the page or comes out of my lips. He knew that today would be filled with tears and crying out loud and renewed trust and faith in Him and His plan for me and my life. Psalm 146:5, "Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the LORD his God." He is my help and my hope.

So after waking up and almost calling the doctor, reading this BLOG from the beginning to the end...tears, laughter, prayers and more tears....I am here, this place that is peaceful and trusting in Him to hear my pleas and to answer my prayers according to HIS plan A! I don't know how long it will last, but I feel to sustain this peace I have to be thankful for it daily, pray for Him to refill my cup every morning.

I almost feel like in my dream...the doctor was God telling me to be patient, He's not forgot me but there is a time for me and He is taking care of everything.

This little baby girl, so precious holds in her tiny hands the power of healing. Through her mother and her father and her sisters the faith and amazing heart they display makes me want to be a better child to our Heavenly Father. Trust isn't knowing that He will make things happen the way we want, it is believing that He knows what is best and He holds us in the palm of His hands in good times and sad.

I can't imagine this journey that Angie the mother went through, she had times that she yelled at Him, I sure have been there. But come on guys...He is GOD! He can handle it and still loves us and He is the same, yesterday, today and tomorrow. I had felt soooo bad telling my mother that I was angry at God, that I yelled at Him...she is such a saint, but I had to tell her, she kept saying trust, believe, have faith that He has a plan...I didn't want to hear that while I was angry at Him! But reading Angie's blog gave me peace about it, He can handle us being angry. Imagine His spirit when we come back to Him on our knees loving Him, thanking Him, asking Him to forgive us...I can imagine that He cries for us when we hurt, and sheds tears as well when we are asking Him to forgive us in our times of anger and unbelief.

This is a video about broken dreams and it has such a powerful message. (tissues required)

This video is the one I was sent to watch. This baby girl is the daughter of a member of the group Selah. Their video is amazing, they wrote the song while she was still pregnant. It is beautiful.

*double box of Kleenex required*

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